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Thread: Not looking for a medical opinion, but just throwing this out there...

  1. #1
    Lady By Choice Leslie Langford's Avatar
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    Not looking for a medical opinion, but just throwing this out there...

    As those of you who have followed my posts in the past know, I am a card-carrying "Boomer" who has been crossdressing since my early teens, I reside in that purgatory ("Never Never Land"?) known as "DADT" along with my wife of many years, and I am now comfortable enough with my gender orientation that I have gone out in public in "Leslie" mode with no issues whatsoever for over 10 years now (time and opportunity permitting). "Aye, but there's the rub", as Shakespeare's Hamlet would have put it.

    I am fortunate enough that I am still in overall excellent health given my age. No aches, no pains, no back problems, no chronic conditions of any kind, and I take only minimal medications of the type usually associated with my age group. Recent blood work indicates that there are also no signs of impending diabetes, prostate problems or gastrointestinal issues, and my cholesterol numbers suggest that I can still continue eating cheeseburgers from time to time without guilt or remorse. But...and this is a big "But"...I have noticed a substantial spike in my blood pressure over the last few months despite no changes in my lifestyle or daily routine. My doctor is currently following up on this and has upped my blood pressure medication in the interim to see if this will make any difference, but she, too is puzzled by this sudden change as there are no other obvious outward signs as to why this is happening. But I do have a clue, and maybe others here can relate to this as well...

    My wife and I have had to wrestle with very high, unexpected dental bills that she has incurred over the past year...a perfect storm of several major events all happening within months of each other (two root canals, two crowns, a dental implant, periodontal work, multiple X-rays, routine cleaning, and a couple of cavities etc.)...all of this after years of just routine dental appointments with presumably no major issues on the horizon. In other words, we were totally blindsided by this turn of events, and not having the kinds of employer sponsored benefits that sometimes follow other retirees into their retirement years, all of this has been on our own dime, putting a major dent into our budget last year. I mention all of this T.M.I simply because my wife started to connect the dots here and suggested that perhaps the stress we were both facing over this unexpected financial hit might be the reason for this recent spike in my blood pressure. Personally, I don't think so as I am usually pretty sanguine and level-headed about such things, and take most of life's setbacks in stride...particularly those that I have no control over. But, it did get me to thinking...

    Yes, there is something that has stressed me out of late - big time: lack of opportunity to crossdress to the degree that I would like, and especially my limited ability to go out in public in "Leslie" mode over the past year. There, I said it!

    This situation has been brewing for some time now...5 years to be exact, and ever since my wife retired, causing us to be at home together pretty much 24/7 now. Yes, I do have some outside activities and so does she, but hers take her out of the house for maybe half a day at a time - tops, and certainly not enough time for me to get all dolled up (and maybe ready to go out) to the extent that I would like. It wasn't so bad in the early years of my wife's retirement...she'd go out of town for a few days at a time to visit friends or family members or maybe stay overnight at my son's or daughter's houses to babysit the grandkids, but all of that has declined sharply over the last couple of years. And yes, my wife does have several other health issues which have probably contributed to this slowing down of hers of late.

    So here I am caught between a rock and a hard place. Much as I sympathize with the challenges my wife is facing as the years take their toll, I'm not at that point (yet?), and part of me resents the fact that the ability for me to enjoy MY life on My terms (read: crossdressing more liberally) is being compromised not only by HER medical conditions but also her intransigence on this whole DADT thing. If this makes my sound like a whiner and/or a self-centred A-hole, I apologize in advance, but just nodding and smiling over this predicament I find myself in and going with the flow just isn't cutting it for me anymore - and maybe my body is telling me the same thing on a subconscious level in terms of my rising blood pressure. Sure, the "easy" answer would simply be to no longer accept this DADT straightjacket, but doing so would give rise to a whole host of other issues, none of which would be particularly conducive to lowering my stress level or the possibly related rise in blood pressure either.

    Can any of my fellow "Boomers" out there relate to any of this? Or else serve as a cautionary tale for others, perhaps?

  2. #2
    Senior Member michelleddg's Avatar
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    Leslie my sweet friend, sounds to me that your situation is not steady state, something has to give. We too are at home together most of the time and the understanding is that Michelle is off limits. Now, my wife is out of town almost as a rule a couple of weeks a year, and the understanding is that it's game on for Michelle. You used to have such windows but they're now rare at best. The third outlet is I have an annual one week hall pass each February for Michelle does Las Vegas. This goes a long way towards keeping my blood pressure down. Perhaps you could negotiate something similar. Far be it from me to suggest anything sneaky but if it comes to it you might seek a solo getaway with a palatable if not completely forthcoming alternative explanation. Not perfect but if the alternative is avoidable declining health then worth considering. We've seen plenty of precedent for this sort of cabal on this web site.

    Good luck, my friend. Hugs, Michelle

  3. #3
    its important mykell's Avatar
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    i remember you writing of outings, with the mrs. one time i thought, ????

    anyway ive moved past DADT, i brought up a conversation based on how i used to sell, ask for five...hope for three, in that conversation i asked to go to support functions, makeover, shave, conference, holiday party.....i have done all but the makeover, would be fun but low on the totem pole. our understanding was we keep this under the radar and she would prefer not to see mykell, which she has not unless she peeked under a left open browser.

    anyhow when i went to said events it was with the use of the dashboard vanity, crude but necessary, underdressed as much as possible and flip in plain site while in the car so to speak.

    wish i was as healthy as you....were not getting any younger so time is of the essence, i wish you luck in turning your dilemma into more leslie time.
    ....Mykell
    i dressed like a girl and i liked it! crossdressing...theirs an app for that

  4. #4
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    Are either of you of medicare age?
    If your income is low you may qualify for assistance with medical issues.

  5. #5
    Gold Member Lana Mae's Avatar
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    Leslie, best wishes with this as I am of no help! I am a late bloomer! My wife passed away before my full realization of all of this! Just a thought separate vacations? Hugs Lana Mae

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    Tracii, Medicare does not pay for dental or eyes! Wish they did I would have some new teeth and glasses! Hugs Lana Mae
    Life is worth living!
    "Foxy lady! You look so good!!" Jimi Hendrix

  6. #6
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    A word of caution: your post leans dangerously close to “blaming” your wife for your DADT situation. She could just as easily turn that around and blame you for wanting to dress like a woman. After all, there would be no need for DADT if you didn’t dress right? A lot of the girls here show a degree of entitlement in expecting their spouses to allow them to “express their gender”. Isn’t wanting to be with a cis-man just our spouses expressing THEIR gender?

    The bottom line is that you are both human beings with needs and flaws. Being in a relationship is finding ways of fulfilling BOTH partner’s needs. Sometimes that means compromise or even sacrifice. This doesn’t mean one person is getting the short end of the stick.

  7. #7
    Isn't Life Grand? AllieSF's Avatar
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    Leslie,

    I can relate to that personally. I had prostrate cancer in 2005, had it removed and suffered from 2 of the most common and unwanted side effects. I started dressing in late 2006 and went out into the wild for the first time in early to mid-2007 with a couple of members from this site. The reason I am who I am today (I am living full time with all the chemicals and plant physical changes), I believe, is because of the mental trauma of the whole process of dealing with having cancer and especially to the side effects. I am definitely like you, a person who can see the problem and quickly work through it if I can, or deal with it if I have to. n So, my issues (mental so to speak) are still there and may have had a negative effect on my health. Not high blood pressure, but rather a heavy dose of medical issues that require medical intervention, including multiple surgeries since the cancer related ones.

    Now on to you. I recommend that you take the time, money and special effort and courage needed and start determining if your reason for high blood pressure is the cause. First off based on someone else's wise recommendation, try getting out more often (special events, local support group that that has changing facilities (change in the car as you have done before (I did a lot of that when my son moved back in for a few years), rent a hotel room a few cities away, etc. Next, maybe start some therapy for your gender issues. You can actually justify that to your wife because you have a true and concerning medical condition that can be very dangerous with no apparent cause except for what you and your wife have discussed. Therapy is good despite many people's opposite beliefs, if you put everything, including honesty and completeness (tell them everything that you think may be a possible cause), into it. I think your wife would be acceptable to that. After the therapy or during it, then you will be better prepared to discuss your gender expression needs and simple out of sight ways of making that happen if she would give you more opportunities and ways to do that.

    If that doesn't work, maybe you need to take up a new hobby that gets you out of the house for those special meetings, overnight fishing trips, whatever. She may not like that, but what is important is your health and sanity, both of which if they are good, may help with your high blood pressure. Oh, You should tell your doctor what you think. He/she is not supposed to share that with anyone and he really should know because they can help you too. And I think that with the way you handle issues, the money issues and the frustrating and limiting DADT are the probable cause of your lifer threatening issue. Good luck and I hope my lengthy opinion helps.

  8. #8
    Aspiring Artist Kelly DeWinter's Avatar
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    Leslie

    I hear and feel for what you are saying. No one can help what happens to them as they age, we can only deal with things as the come.
    When you wrote
    ".... part of me resents the fact that the ability for me to enjoy MY life on My terms (read: crossdressing more liberally) is being compromised not only by HER medical conditions......"

    it can become something bitter if you let it fester and grow. Be creative and look for a compromise, have a talk with your wife even though you are in a DADT, sit down and say
    "hey I need some time on this day or this day, "
    Your post probably comes from a need to share and get it off your chest, just remember the good things about your marriage.

    Are there local groups you can get together with ?
    Kelly DeWinter
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  9. #9
    Member Genni's Avatar
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    Hi Leslie,

    I am a similar age (approaching 60) and also have recent blood pressure changes. I check it regularly and record it. As recently as last spring it was in the "good" range, at or slightly over 120/80. Then I put on 10 or 15 pounds over the summer and it climbed into scary territory - sometimes as high as 170 / 100+. I went to the doc in the fall and was prescribed BP meds, but I was confident the BP would come down with the weight. Well, I have now lost most or all of that weight and become much more physically active, but the BP is not all the way back to the good range. I don't feel like my other stressors have changed significantly over the year.

    As far as dressing goes, I cannot offer evidence that it hurts or helps me. I work in my home office in the basement. My wife never comes down as a concession to DADT, so I can dress at will.

    I certainly can not say that the stress of your DADT situation and limited dressing opportunities isn't affecting your BP. All I can say is that my blood pressure went up even though stress factors were relatively stable. That said, please do keep us posted if you find a way to get it back under control - by whatever means!

  10. #10
    Senior Member GretchenM's Avatar
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    It is entirely possible that the cumulative effects of the stressors are pushing your blood pressure up. All those expenditures can be very stressful as it is eating into your financial plan and that is always a major source of problems when retired - been there, done that.

    The lack of opportunity to address the dysphoria you feel by not being able to validate your feminine self and being confined to your masculine self can create a lot of accumulated stress as well. Perhaps it is time to seek a bit of professional help with finding ways to balance yourself again is needed. Problem is that costs money which adds to stress. Look for sources that provide help at low cost. They are out there. Perhaps joining a support group of some kind can provide some release. You reached out to us and that seems to me to be a call for help. We can help, but what you may need is face to face discussion with others in a similar situation.

    On the medical side, I would recommend you have your doctor order up a stress test. Even though you are in good health a sudden increase in blood pressure could mean you have developed a partial blockage in an artery somewhere. That is dangerous. If the test finds that there are no constrictions anywhere then you have eliminated that possibility. Move on to the next possibility. There may not be any easy answers other than an accumulation of several stressors that are ganging up to produce this effect. There could also be a slow buildup of depression over all the various difficulties in your life. Depression can be really sneaky.

    As Micki said, please don't blame your wife for your difficulties with expressing your femininity. That will just add to the stress. She has her rights just as you do and the two of you need to find a middle ground, a compromise based on a thorough understanding of your individual wishes, desires, and values. That may take some adjustments to her perspective as well as yours and letting a professional help guide you along that exploration is best so as to avoid saying and doing things that are really hurtful.

    I wish you the best of luck. It is solvable. But make sure there isn't a subtle medical issue developing first. Those are usually much easier to fix than the emotional ones.

  11. #11
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Leslie, u negleted to tell us what your doctor(s) think about your elevated blood pressure?

    They will have more practical answers!

    They put me on statins years ago for my hi cholesterol. Now, my cholesterol is normal but the statins also brought my blood pressure way down!

    Stress is a killer! U need to find the causes and DEAL WITH THEM!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  12. #12
    Gold Member Alice B's Avatar
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    Forgetting the medical aspects I can strongly relate to your wife retired and it's effects on your freedom to dress. Before my wife retired (she knows I like to dress) I could spend many a day dressed from 8AM to 6PM. Once she retired 2 years ago I don't. Just not comfortable with it, even though I am sure I could once in a while. My stress level has gone up, even though I can wear a bra and forms all day. All I can do is wait for when she goes on trips the dress 7/24

  13. #13
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    I'm a baby boomer as is my wife. I've been retired for a full ten years. During that time my wife continued to work. Not every day, but, enough days for Stephanie to spend the day en femme. Now, she is working less days. Yes, retirement can put a strain on the ability to dress as often as I want or need. She is not accepting. I have been able to accept that fact. My first taste of reduced femme time was when she developed breast cancer and took off from work for a year. Maybe it was the protective side of my being, her husband, that arose to the occasion. Now she is recovered. Now she is intentionally easing into full retirement mode. I get perhaps two to four days a month to be en femme. There is the prospect it may be zero days. Will I crack up? Will I have to reopen the discussion she tabled over thirty years ago? She knows I dress. In the 1980's when we had the last serious talk she said it was alright with her if I found a support group. There was none to be found. I don't know if she would still be receptive to her own proposal. I know being en femme around her is a non starter.

    Yes, I know your pain as to the cross dressing. If you're wife is unaware of the pain self imposed restrictions, then nothing can be solved. I suggest opening up a dialogue. You really do not need to dress in her presence. That ultimately may be counterproductive.

    However, we have no financial challenges. I can only recommend analyzing your income and debts with a qualified financial planner, if necessary, to establish a budget.
    Last edited by Stephanie47; 01-10-2019 at 07:45 PM. Reason: spelling

  14. #14
    Silver Member Leslie Mary S's Avatar
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    Leslie I have to go along with Lana Mae

    Quote Originally Posted by Lana Mae View Post
    Leslie, best wishes with this as I am of no help! I am a late bloomer! My wife passed away before my full realization of all of this! Just a thought separate vacations? Hugs Lana Mae
    I too am a late bloomer and widower.
    Leslie Mary Shy
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    _________________________

  15. #15
    A Sweet Girl Roxanne Lanyon's Avatar
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    Hi GretchenM

    My stresors are when I cannot be Roxanne! I LOVE being her, and revel in the femininity of it all!
    Last edited by Shelly Preston; 01-11-2019 at 01:15 PM. Reason: no need to quote a whole post for 1 line reply.
    As Sweet As I Can Ever Be

  16. #16
    Senior Member Read only Allison Chaynes's Avatar
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    You mentioned dental issues... not to scare you, but there are links between some dental issues and cardiovascular problems. I'd definitely check into it.
    Life is too short to be boring.

  17. #17
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    Roxanne, you really need to find time for yourself. Your wife, on the other hand, sounds like a lovely person but needs to seriously take better care of her teeth. The sheer number issues you describe could be indicative of depression, causing her to stop caring about her health. Regardless, as stated below those issues often lead to cardiovascular problems. Take care!

  18. #18
    Gold Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
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    Leslie.

    Our situations are somewhat similar. For years I worked a good deal of the time from home so had ample opportunity to dress. That ended for about 2 years due to a move into office based work. I then retired so now back to having plenty of home alone time. Two years later my SO retires so back to limited time which has been the case for roughly 3 years.

    The most time I can usually hope to get is 4 hours at any one time. Certainly not sufficient to put on makeup but I can usually dress fully otherwise. There's also other times when I have say 2 hours to myself so I content myself with putting on a skirt, top, forms and heels. While not idea they "keep me in touch" with that side of me.

    Fully dressing I manage by taking a solo holiday at least once a year for a week. If the star align twice. This allows me to go 24/7. Now this has obvious upsides, it's great to have that level of freedom to be out and about 12 to 15 hours a day, the downside is I can later get withdrawal symptoms and these need managing.

    As for managing stress, I take those short 2 hour opportunities which might happen 3 or 4 times a week, sometimes more and embrace them, I immerse myself in those moments and just enjoy the time. I try not to view it as lots of time I can't dress more that there's these opportunities that I can. I must admit that should for some reason an extended (if you can call 4 hr extended) opportunity fails to materialise I can feel a little deflated I simply say, hay ho, there's always the next time. Mindset plays an important part in just how manageable and fulfilling our dressing can be. Yes I'd love more but life is what it is and unless I'm prepared to risk all and come out to my SO then then I'll quietly go about my business and with good grace take what's on offer.

    Now I'm really going to depress you. The similarities extend to dental work. I recently needed two crowns. Treated under our wonderful National Health Service (NHS) the pair were done for........£256 ($328). Had I gone private, £1200. Root canal, taken from the web; A root canal is needed when your tooth has decay very deep inside it. It’s quite a technical procedure but is covered by Band 2 NHS dental work, which is £59.10($75.85)..
    Who dares wears Get in, get out without being noticed

  19. #19
    Silver Member ClosetED's Avatar
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    Leslie,
    Weight gain is a good possibility - adding on 4.5 kg / 10 pounds - will do it. A small change to renal function as well, such as taking ibuprofen or naproxen which can reduce blood flow to the kidneys by 10%.
    If you have a blood pressure cuff, check your pressure when dressed - if lower, maybe your doctor will prescribe that you need to do it more often for your health!
    If you need help to lose weight, the waist cincher / corset works and their are men's versions you can tell your wife that is what it is.
    Hugs, Dr Ellen

  20. #20
    Lady By Choice Leslie Langford's Avatar
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    Thank you, ladies, for allowing me to vent (rant?), as well as your valuable input on the topic that I raised here.

    michelle - You are a goddess in my eyes, and my heroine for the way that you have been able to get your wife on board in letting you be your authentic self from time to time with no questions asked and with no recriminations despite your continuing to push the envelope as you fully explore your feminine side and progressively check off all the boxes on your personal Bucket List. Expect a PM from me shortly to delve into this a bit more deeply as I am a mere grasshopper who has much to learn from you, my Shaolin priestess .

    AllieSF, Kelly deWinter, GetchenM, and Stephanie47 - Much love for your empathy and sage advice...it was all very comforting to read.

    Helen_Highwater - Appreciate your valuable input as well, but I was dismayed to hear by how much our vaunted (and often envied) Canadian Medicare system falls short compared with your British NHS benefits. Yes, we do have full Government coverage when it comes to all types of medical conditions and procedures, as well as non-cosmetic surgeries, all manner of tests, and extended rehabilitation and palliative care etc. This includes free prescriptions for youth under age 25 as well as seniors, albeit with an annual $100 deductible towards this in my home province. What is NOT covered, however is any type of dental work, and that is usually picked up by a person's employer (both private and public) for those lucky enough to be employed by an organization offering these types of benefits. Seniors such as my wife and I are SOL in this regard unless they have been lucky enough to have retired from an employer who continues to offer the same benefits (or sometimes a modified version) that they received while they were still working for them. As an aside, the grandmother of my daughter's best friend died recently at age 95. In her particular case, this meant that her former employer carried her benefits-wise for fully 30 (!) years following her retirement.

    Of course, all this begs the question as to why you Brits are saddled with the stereotype that many of you have such terrible teeth when the needed dental care to correct this is readily available, and for such a pittance in most cases.

  21. #21
    happy to be her Sarah Doepner's Avatar
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    Leslie,

    Health issues generally do not spring upon us suddenly but grow over time. There are often several contributing factors; diet, exercise, changes in sleep patters, changes in your ability to relax and shed some of the worries, etc. etc. Some of what you are facing may be just the normal, but unfortunate, path of adding the weight of more and more birthdays. Almost all of us here recognize there is something calming about being able to live, even for short regular periods, with our feminine gender up front. I used to get terribly cranky if those opportunities were blocked one way or another. I would attempt to find other ways to relieve the stress. Positive responses might have included working on projects or camping with friends, negative ones were either somewhat self destructive or at least damaging to my health or relationships.

    Your wife's retirement may have shocked her system as well. I can't tell if she has activities in her life that extend beyond facing medical issues, but it may be advantageous for her to look at finding something that might engage her in a slightly more active mental and/or physical state. You are a couple and solutions need to be found for both of you.

    But I have a scientific bent and suggest you find ways to dress a little more often to see what happens. You already have the control data set from the last five years. Your wife may not want to approve or like this, but if it proves to be a healthy choice in reducing the slow buildup of stress what can we say?

    Best of luck as you trod this path.
    Sarah
    Being transgender isn't a lifestyle choice. How you deal with it is.

  22. #22
    Aspiring Member Eemz's Avatar
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    Hey Leslie. I don't have any direct experience to contribute - but is it possible that your wife just hasn't realised you're not getting the time you need any more? You have a long-term DADT relationship, which means she knows you've been doing it and that it's important enough to you to continue all this time even in a DADT situation... she must know that need has not gone away, but maybe she doesn't know it's not getting met any more? Just a thought.

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