It’s a really long story and I won’t bore you with the details, but I haven’t been allowed to dress for a long time. My whole life has changed to a crazy extent, most people would say it’s good, but I still have this burning desire to dress. The “pink fog” comes over me and I can’t act.
I work a job in a field I didn’t study making 40k. She makes more. It shouldn’t bother me, but she brings it up often enough and the fact that my wedding contributions aren’t up to par are blatantly obvious. The job I work is in accounting. I always dreamed of something with so much more fulfillment, like teaching, or campaigning, or in the field of mental health, maybe writing, don’t know. I miss college so dang much. I miss the hope I used to have. I miss the endless possibilities, and mostly I miss my friends.
Dressing gave me a creative outlet. I was passionate about it. The effort I put into “passing” (even though I never really did) was something I would pour so much work and heart into that it gave me joy. It gave me something to get lost in and I loved it. I loved it the same way an artist loves to paint. Only I was the canvas and blush was my paint.
The worst part is I have absolutely no one to talk to about it. I’m so isolated. I’m in a new town with no friends, except my fiancées friends, but they don’t really count for this kind of thing, and coworkers I guess. I have so many emotions and feelings about my inner/past CD self and if I’m being honest some gender dysphoria and it’s all just moving so fast and I just wish for the love of goodness that my fiancée could understand, but she can’t and won’t. To her it’s unthinkable and unspeakable and has been since 2016.
I just feel so da n isolated that I just had to vent. I’m sorry I wasted your time. There’s just nowhere else for me to go about this.