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Thread: I feel so lonely

  1. #26
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    I agree with all the others here, put your cards on the table. If you are in doubt about this working out, I hate to say it but you might want get out now. Trust me after25 years of hiding and being miserable. Hupe you find happiness. Hugs Faith

  2. #27
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    The feedback here is pretty consistent and all makes sense. I'm wondering about motivations. At 25, you may feel like it's time to be set on your path with a wife, job, etc.; it can make you feel like an adult. Maybe it also makes your parents and/or friends happy. Perhaps you feel like you've already committed and it is too late to stop with marriage dates set, arrangements made and money spent. I'm wondering these things because I'm trying to figure out why you are planning on marrying at this time given the feelings expressed in your post. At your age, outside forces are often primary motivators as you have not lived enough to understand that it is the inside motivators that really count. Your adult life is just starting. Better to explore and learn more about yourself than to get tied up in a marriage that has you miserable even before it has begun. Getting married will not solve the problems, it'll make them worse. If you feel unhappy now, that is a really really bad sign Listen, there is no nirvana, life always has trade offs. If this sounded just like last second cold feet, I would be far more encouraging. Unfortunately, this sounds like a disaster in the making - for both you and your fiance.

  3. #28
    Gold Member Diane Smith's Avatar
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    I cannot add much to the excellent observations of the others here. I see too many red flags to believe this relationship will be successful and satisfying for you in the long run. Difficult as it may be, ending it now will be far easier than after there are marriage vows, co-mingled finances and possibly children in the picture. A good counselor may help you see your way through this.

    - Diane

  4. #29
    monica girly MonicaGirly's Avatar
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    Wow I’ve gotten so much advice and support here it feels really good to get it out I wish I could reply to all of you but there’s so many.

    For context I told her about my dressing after one year of dating. At first it was don’t ask don’t tell, and then the next year she found some selfies and forced me to purge everything.we spent three years long distance and have lived together for a year and a half now. Now she gets really negative and makes rude general comments anytime anything on tv or media mentions things like drag or cding. It’s an “absolutely don’t speak about it” topic. There’s a lot of other things that are good about the relationship. We laugh together and we travel together. We have fun and I know she loves me and my family, and Despite the fighting and differences I love her and her family too. Alaina R hit the nail on the head with her post on all of the stuff already being set and paid and what not (August).
    Sherii mentioned that I should find a hobby, and the thing is I’ve tried that. I’ve tried getting into things to fill the void but nothing does the trick. I’ve gotten super into watchin sailing Vlogs, I got really into philosophy, I got really into fitness( which was counter intuitive and its own story in and of itself)and right now I’m really into motorcycles. No matter what I try and hyper focus in on nothing is filling the void or taking the spot that cross dressing did. It was just something that was relaxing and made me happy.
    Sometimes we’ll be at the store and I can’t help but look at all the shoes(my favorite things to wear) and see if they have my size in anything. I think wearing heels is one of the things I miss the most.

    I know I have a lot to think about, but it really makes me feel good to know I have y’all here to talk to. Thank you for all of the wonderful replies and Thanks for reading, I know I have a bad habit of rambling.

  5. #30
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    ...."forced me to purge" and "rude general comments". Do you want to hear those continuously in your marriage? You can be alone without being lonely. But I wouldn't hang on to someone just to not be alone. You are young and in the prime of life.
    Embrace it.

    Ineke

  6. #31
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    I can sure relate to loneliness, and not having any friends nearby. I am 64, still single, no dating life, no guy friends even, no nice relatives even. Every lady i was interested in, had bad things to say about men who dress up. Not one was ok with it. I have never lived with a girlfriend either. I don't think you can crossdress and have marriage too with her. It gets stronger as we age, too. i try to suppress, and quit, and not dress for long periods, and purged 15 months go 99%, praying and working to not dress agian ever, for religious and social reasons, but i now have three dresses, and one pair of heels and a wig again, and undr things, pantyhose, but i keep it al in a box most all the time. The desire can wane for a whil , and i try to replace dressing with fishing, walking, sports, spiritual reading and prayer, and serving others, but am really a lonely isolated loner, in spite of it. i see couples and families all over, and feel very sad, that i never had that. I hope you will write your fiance' a long heartfelt letter, telling her you want her and love her, but cannot completely stop dressing, before the marriage. Being married to someone who condemns it, will eventually not work, and divorce can be the result. I have always been working poor poverty level, so women reject me , because i don't earn much, despite i give it 150% in the jobs and work i have done, blood, sweat and tears. I have three cats who are my friends now, and peace. Although it would be so welcome to have a dating life or wife, if there was an odd, unusually tolerant lady, i can see where i would have been divorced, if i had married the ladies i wanted. Single is lonesome, but a toxic embattled marriage is much worse. My parents were at war all the time, and it really messed me, and all my siblings up bad. All of us are single seniors, with no SO's. But again, peace in singleness, is preferrable to constant war in a relationship or marriage. Consider all.
    IT TAKES A REAL DRESS TO WEAR A MAN.

  7. #32
    Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    The job I work is in accounting. I always dreamed of something with so much more fulfillment, like teaching, or campaigning, or in the field of mental health, maybe writing, don’t know. I miss college so dang much. I miss the hope I used to have. I miss the endless possibilities, and mostly I miss my friends.
    Hi Monica,
    Others have given you very good advice, specifically related to dressing and your fiance. You will have to make your own decisions on if and when you decide to marry and whether or not you want to keep your dressing under the radar.

    This quote from you caught my attention. I don't know if you have finished college but it sounds to me like you need to focus a bit more on maybe more schooling, finding a different job, or outside activity that would fulfill your educational, social, and creative needs. It may go a long way to making you feel better. It is easier to change careers or make a physical move before marriage and/or family obligations. Just from what you have shared, you may end up making more money, or at least be happier if your day to day work life was more stimulating and to your liking.

    I focused on this because I have mentioned in the past that I have a FtM godson who focused his time and money on his transition but is very unhappy because he is now in his early 30's and has a dead end job and works a second job to meet his financial obligations. So now his gender fits his mind but his life is still not as he envisions due to the money, inadequate post high school education, (and lack of relationship) situation.

    You have a lot to think about. I hope you find your passion!!!! I wish you all the happiness.
    Last edited by char GG; 01-14-2019 at 09:51 AM.

  8. #33
    Aspiring Artist Kelly DeWinter's Avatar
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    Monica - Run, do not walk to the nearest relationship exit. You are setting yourself up for a LOT of future pain and misery. Uproot yourself and Move to the a large BIG City. Ney York, San Francisco, LA, Washington DC and spread your wings. The Economy is good for finding a job in accounting, After you move go back to school and study something you are passionate about. In the large cities you will find community support for TG/CD. And you will probably find some one who is more understanding.

    List 5 reasons to NOT leave this relationship ?
    List 5 reasons to NOT make a move to find support you crave.

    A canceled wedding is cheaper then a future life and misery that will probably end in divorce anyway.
    Kelly DeWinter
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  9. #34
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    Trust me on this one, you feel this way, because your fiancee doesnīt let you be who you are. I know that because I had not only one, but 2 relationships like that!

    I just got married when I found someone who let me be who I am! She doesnīt like my crossdressig (but try hard to understand it) but at the same time she has a lot of good things that overcome everything that could bother me.

    You have a whole life ahead of you, and believe me, she is not the only woman in the world! You will find a lot more in your journey. So, for your own sake, leave her. Yeah, it looks hard, but like yourself, be yourself, be the person you want to be first, and then, only then, allow someone to get in your life.

    Kisses

    Patricia

  10. #35
    Yeah Ok like whatever Tracii G's Avatar
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    I saw the words forced you to purge and rude comments so things like that make me sick.
    Who is she to demand you do anything? Would she stand for you to demand things of her and make rude comments? of course not she would raise hell.
    You aren't married and even then she has no right to demand you do anything.
    Just getting married will not fix any of this and after marriage it only gets worse with the demanding,I have been thru two marriages so trust me when I tell you this she thinks she runs your life now IT WILL be worse after marriage.

    Get a move on and find yourself first then a mate after that.
    Don't just settle for what is convenient at the present time because there are good women out there that will let you be you whatever "you" is.
    Last edited by Tracii G; 01-14-2019 at 01:56 PM.
    Head Executive Chief of the Dept of Redundancy Dept.

  11. #36
    A Sweet Girl Roxanne Lanyon's Avatar
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    You go, Traci Girl! You are so right! Thank the Lord I am divorced, in that respect! I can be Roxanne anytime I want to, and I sincerely love it!
    Roxanne Lanyon
    As Sweet As I Can Ever Be

  12. #37
    Yeah Ok like whatever Tracii G's Avatar
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    My two marriages went to hell in a hand basket and I know a lot about how women abuse men.
    I got to the point where I stopped being the patsy or taking their abuse.
    Really glad I got out of those relationships and I hate to see young guys fall into that trap and get used like that.
    Its just so unfair when they are actually trying to do the right thing.
    Head Executive Chief of the Dept of Redundancy Dept.

  13. #38
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    Monica, leave the relationship NOW. Patricia Campi's remarks and those of others are spot on! Love will not cure all! Too many of your sisters here have become miserable in their lives thinking that. You are young. Truer, understanding love will come in time. She is seriously controlling, now, and it will become worse once married.

  14. #39
    Gold Member Alice B's Avatar
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    You are young and you have a lifetime of choices ahead. The one you are about to enter does not appear to be thr correct one. Take a big step back, be honest with yourself and where you are and then make the choice. It is your life, not that of someone else

  15. #40
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    Do what you have to go make yourself happy. Live your life for yourself and find what makes you happy That doesn't mean leave her, it means that a serious discussion should occur. If she loves you shyhen the two of you might be able to work it out but...don't "try" to be the man she wants you to be. If she can't accept you as you are then she doesn't love you enough. There is someone out there that will love you just the way you are

  16. #41
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    I so badly crave a cd friend in real life around my age to help with the relating to what Iím going thru or have gone thru. Sometimes even with my family I feel no one understands, when the truth is I donít always understand myself

  17. #42
    Silver Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
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    Monica

    Quote Originally Posted by MonicaGirly View Post
    We laugh together and we travel together. We have fun and I know she loves me and my family, and Despite the fighting and differences I love her and her family too.
    You've brought another dimension into consideration, her family. Okay, you discuss things and come to an amicable arrangement. How do you think her family are going to take it? Are you going to have to keep it hidden from them. What happens if you have a blazing row, she storms off to mom and she outs you in a fit of temper?


    Quote Originally Posted by MonicaGirly View Post
    Alaina R hit the nail on the head with her post on all of the stuff already being set and paid and what not (August).
    August is a little over 6 months away. While you can't always cancel stuff without paying some penalty, this far in advance you'll stand a better chance than when it's 6 weeks away.

    If you're going to have that discussion and secure an agreement that needs to be sooner rather than later. If you then decide on the outcome of those discussions make a break of it, now is the time to do it. Leaving things to drift will only make it more difficult in the long run.
    Who dares wears Get in, get out without being noticed

  18. #43
    Aspiring Member LeannS's Avatar
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    Monica please don'r feel sorry for letting us know how you feel. Your sisters so to speak are here to give advice and listen.
    and here is my 2 cents I have come to realize that you should enjoy or love to be in the job your in (make life much easier) if your not find something that YOU enjoy you mentioned college go back and find you and what you want. Forget her if she can't get past what you make it is a bad sign. Please runaway from this it will only get worse the longer you are in this relationship. Oh it will end in a DIVORCE and if it does it does get expensive quick and not only for her think of the child support for the kids. Think about it the ball is YOUR court and its your serve. She is not the one for you!! you think you argue now wait it will get worse.
    Wish you the best Leann
    If you can't laugh and have fun you might as well go home.

  19. #44
    Member Diane Taylor's Avatar
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    Monica.....if you feel lonely now, you'll feel even more lonely if you're trapped in marriage where your wife is against your crossdressing. Think long and hard about that before you jump into a bad situation.

    Friends are another issue too. If they don't accept you, they're not really a friend. Maybe you could/should use your energy to find other CD'ers so that you'd have people to talk to who share your interests. AND...Ö.like many others here have said....we're here for you to talk to.

  20. #45
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    If you can channel all the energy you're putting into feeling lonely, unfulfilled, and frustrated into picking just one thing that fulfills you and then begin to take concrete steps towards realizing it, then you'll gain enough self-confidence to find the time to dress or to talk to your fiancťe about your needs. You might want to look at grad school, or choosing a different career path and figuring out what you need to do to get into it. As you do this, you will be making your own friends with people who share your interests.

    Please don't marry your fiancťe until you are happier with yourself. And the only person who can accomplish this is you.


    Re your fiancťe forcing you to purge everything: sorry but you need to develop a backbone. If you don't speak up for yourself and learn to negotiate with her, you will never have an equal relationship. Fix everything else in your life that is making you feel unfulfilled and as mentioned above, this will give you enough confidence to either negotiate with your fiancťe or leave the relationship.
    Last edited by ReineD; 01-15-2019 at 03:30 PM.
    Reine

  21. #46
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    Quote Originally Posted by MonicaGirly View Post
    I work a job in a field I didnít study making 40k. She makes more. It shouldnít bother me, but she brings it up often enough and the fact that my wedding contributions arenít up to par are blatantly obvious. The job I work is in accounting. I always dreamed of something with so much more fulfillment, like teaching, or campaigning, or in the field of mental health, maybe writing, donít know. I miss college so dang much. I miss the hope I used to have. I miss the endless possibilities, and mostly I miss my friends.

    Dressing gave me a creative outlet. I was passionate about it. The effort I put into ďpassingĒ (even though I never really did) was something I would pour so much work and heart into that it gave me joy. It gave me something to get lost in and I loved it. I loved it the same way an artist loves to paint. Only I was the canvas and blush was my paint.

    The worst part is I have absolutely no one to talk to about it. Iím so isolated. Iím in a new town with no friends, except my fiancťes friends, but they donít really count for this kind of thing, and coworkers I guess. I have so many emotions and feelings about my inner/past CD self and if Iím being honest some gender dysphoria and itís all just moving so fast and I just wish for the love of goodness that my fiancťe could understand, but she canít and wonít. To her itís unthinkable and unspeakable and has been since 2016.

    For context I told her about my dressing after one year of dating. At first it was donít ask donít tell, and then the next year she found some selfies and forced me to purge everything.we spent three years long distance and have lived together for a year and a half now. Now she gets really negative and makes rude general comments anytime anything on tv or media mentions things like drag or cding. Itís an ďabsolutely donít speak about itĒ topic. Thereís a lot of other things that are good about the relationship. We laugh together and we travel together. We have fun and I know she loves me and my family, and Despite the fighting and differences I love her and her family too.

    Sherii mentioned that I should find a hobby, and the thing is Iíve tried that. Iíve tried getting into things to fill the void but nothing does the trick. Iíve gotten super into watchin sailing Vlogs, I got really into philosophy, I got really into fitness( which was counter intuitive and its own story in and of itself)and right now Iím really into motorcycles. No matter what I try and hyper focus in on nothing is filling the void or taking the spot that cross dressing did. It was just something that was relaxing and made me happy.
    Sometimes weíll be at the store and I canít help but look at all the shoes(my favorite things to wear) and see if they have my size in anything. I think wearing heels is one of the things I miss the most.
    First of all...even without CDing in the mix no one should dump on anyone else for making less money than they are. Unless you want her to lord this over you for the rest of your life you need to tell her how it makes you feel when she talks about that kind of thing. If you are doing your best to contribute to your household, then she should have nothing to complain about. Maybe she is trying to encourage you in her own way to get a job you like better...maybe her statements are an attempt to push you in a direction that you might like better...but she needs to know that her methods are making you feel bad about yourself if that is what she is trying to do.

    Secondly, the way you describe your dressing, "I loved it the same way an artist loves to paint," how it was (and could be again) a creative outlet for you. The way you gush about your passion for it...that she would deny you that joy and light in your life is a huge red flag. Maybe she doesn't understand how much it meant to you but it sounds like she would deny it to you or mock you or deride you even if she did understand. She won't even discuss it with you. You might love her and the time you spend with her but if she makes you feel bad about something that gives you such joy (and isn't a criminal activity) then you have to seriously consider what it is that makes you happy. I mean just look at how you talk about your CDing and compare that to how you view your life now without it.

    It also doesn't sound like she is willing to make compromises in her own life. You say you can't talk about CDing but then when something about it comes on TV suddenly she has all kinds of (nasty) things to say about CDing. That's very curious to me. It's not a subject that you can bring up but if she wants to make snide comments then it's ok. I'm guessing there are other topics that are like this as well. Is there a particular reason why she is against CDing and forced a purge after finding a few selfies?

    You should see a social worker or some kind of councilor about all this for sure. Maybe she doesn't actually understand what CDing is and that it doesn't mean she's in 2nd place or something. That there's no need to be jealous or whatever. A 3rd party like a social worker or councilor would be able to help with that.
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  22. #47
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    Monica, refering to your post no. 29 I didn't mean you should find a hobby or activity to replace CDing, but as another thing you enjoy and would give you pleasure and satisfaction. I certainly didn't mean to give up CDing, that usually doesn't work. Many of us have tried and it usually comes back after a time. The best would be able to CD, (even partially), while doing another interest. Sherrii

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    Monica, I have been reviewing some of the posts and have two comments to add. You want to avoid divorce if possible it can be costly in $$$ and mentally. The other one is about jobs. Many, if not most, folks do not have the "dream job" they love going to each day. Even those who are lucky enough to have jobs they like will find things from time to time they hate. That's why it is important to have other interests you can get real enjoyment and satisfaction from where you are "the boss" and can do what you want when you want. And another comment, I don't think you have gotten one bit of bad advise in this whole thread. I wish you luck and hope things turn out for the best for you. From the number of replies you have received it is clear that a lot of folks care. Sherrii

  23. #48
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    Fishing has been my favorite hobby, and even more so than dressup. I also like bicycling and shooting basketball. CDing was making me more of a loner even than i am. I need to be more balanced. But the desire to dress up to the nines as a pretty women never fully goes away. I hope you have done some soul searching about possible being married to that woman who will not allow it.
    IT TAKES A REAL DRESS TO WEAR A MAN.

  24. #49
    New Member Alexis00's Avatar
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    Is there a possibility you and your fiancee could go to counselling and work things out?

    A concern would be she seems to be making ultimatums. Hard to sustain a relationship when everything comes down to "My way or the highway."

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