Therapy update

[Karen's Secret]

A few months I posted that I finally made an appointment to be evaluated for PTSD as a result of my career field. By the second appointment I was diagnosed with chronic PTSD, and based on my occupational experiences, the therapist told me, "how can you not have PTSD." I was also very honest about my lifelong history of cross dressing and gender dysphoria. The issues related to managing PTSD are going well so we're currently spending a lot of time on the cross dressing/gender issues. The therapist's main point to me is that my issue is not the cross dressing or gender thoughts, but the guilt and shame I associate with them. She wants to work with me on shedding that guilt and shame.

I do have constraints on my ability to dress as no one at work knows, I don't go out publicly, and my wife (although accepting) does not want anyone to know.

I'm learning about the concept of mindfulness and radical acceptance as part of my PTSD treatment and the therapist believes that may help with the other issues as well.

I'm wondering if anyone has examples of concrete and intentional steps you have taken to deal with guilt and shame issues.

[docrobbysherry]

I was buried in them when I arrived here 10+ years ago. But, I think over the years of hearing from others here that my dressing doesn't hurt or really even effect anyone else, it finally drifted away!

[Rochal Tukque]

Hi Karen, I can totally relate I would like to offer for your consideration. We have a lot of Society programming that based on little fact and more of tribalism. Not to long ago men dressed more in the feminine like in Europe and now the whim of society has changed to the Macho male. Notice all the males in ED commercials have scruffy beards. Oh yes mr. Macho. I would suggest that you identify the sources of where you feel that guilt and shame is coming from and examine if it really has any merits or is it just base on the current direction all the fish are swimming. Hugs Rochal

[Teresa]

Karen,
It just takes time but it is possibly far easier if you have a wife/partner on board , I didn't so it was a continual battle and looking for ways to work round DADT .

To me the shame and guilt was hard to shake off until I came to terms with it and in order to do that I had to be out in the RW , the closet for me was like solitary confinement , I had no where to go and no one to talk to , at least you have taken the step to seek counselling .

At the moment you are looking for answers and pinning your hopes on finding the right label , at the moment they help you and your counsellor but there comes a time when the labels are a restriction , you have been labelled with , " Such and such !" so you possibly remain in that box or boxes . It's not until you pass through this stage that you find the boxes and labels are making very little difference to your everyday life . When you get out in the RW the people don't know or care about such things they base their opinions in what they see and how you present yourself .

The important thing is find yourself and believe in it , I know at times that is an uphill struggle . Take it in stages thinking each time what is the worse that can happen and can I deal with it . Believe me after a while you look back and can't take in how far you've come .

The bottom line is you shouldn't feel ashamed and guilty over something you were possibly born with , there's nothing you can do to change that so you have to learn to live with it and that goes for the people around you .

[GretchenM]

There is a lot of truth in what Teresa said. That feeling of shame sometimes comes from being reprimanded for not toeing the line with gender. Other times it may come from someone who punishes themselves for shifting gender feelings. That leads to guilt which can boost feelings of shame. A downward spiral occurs that can lead to self loathing. It is survivable, but life isn't a lot of fun. I did that for 59 years before I decided I had to do something because my world was looking very dark.

It took a lot of time to overcome an entrenched behavior like that. The first step was simply accepting the fact that I am not exactly a guy and the girl feelings and behaviors that burst into my consciousness was OK. It is the way I am and the solution is a matter of managing the blend of gender that forms my identity. In a society that isn't very accepting that is hard to do. So, I tried all sorts of different paths of expression that alleviated the discomfort (dysphoria) I felt without actually needing to go all the way in my expression. Of course, what works for you is individualized and dependent on how you experience the your gender. Personally, I rarely do the full expression, but that is me and may not be you. You need to explore to find what fits you.

But for me, realizing that I really have only one gender identity helped a great deal. When you think you have two, masculine and feminine, it kind of fractures your self concept. That makes dealing with it more difficult. Few males are exclusively masculine and the reverse is also true. Our identities tend to be a blend of masculine and feminine to various degrees, but it is still only one identity that has individual characteristics that, for you, is normal. Full MTFs (transwomen) that do not show some masculine traits when they are happily settled in the feminine world are pretty rare. To me, it appears to be a matter of blending the two gender forms our society works with in a way that is comfortable for you. When it is comfortable feelings of dysphoria should either disappear or reach a low level.

Of course, taking that public, if that is what you find you need, adds a whole new dimension and that can bring back the feelings of shame and all that involves. If going public is what you need, then I think most would agree that it is more a matter of doing it and finding that people don't run off screaming or dive behind the bushes. In fact, if you use a "blend in" approach most people don't pay attention. Just be sensible about where you go. It is all baby steps until you learn to walk.

[Beverley Sims]

With me it is something that dissipated over time.

I had little guilt or shame asmy girlfriends when I was twenty encouraged me to be like they were.

Constantly trying to look more attractive and self confident as each day passed.

[audreyinalbany]

One of the most helpful things in overcoming the guilt and shame is being a member of this forum. Interacting and learning of others' experiences and being able to discuss your thoughts and feelings here make a huge difference in lightening the "burden" that we share.

[Karen's Secret]

But for me, realizing that I really have only one gender identity helped a great deal. When you think you have two, masculine and feminine, it kind of fractures your self concept. That makes dealing with it more difficult. Few males are exclusively masculine and the reverse is also true. Our identities tend to be a blend of masculine and feminine to various degrees, but it is still only one identity that has individual characteristics that, for you, is normal.

I really relate to this statement. I'm going to give this some intentional thought.

[April Rose]

Getchen's post indeed has a lot of food for thought. I have been particularly interested in the younger generations concepts of nonbinary, bi-gendered, and gender fluid identities. Reconciling these with an idea of having one gender identity consisting of a variety of "masculine" and "feminine" elements could probably fill a book. But it is certainly well worth thinking about.

[Aunt Kelly]

Karen,
Some of the very same issues finally motivated me to pursue therapy. I went in with an open mind, but knowing that there was some PTSD that was nagging me still, 17 years after retiring from a career in emergency services, and some nagging uncertainty about my gender identity. I wouldn't even begin to suggest that your issues are even similar, but I will tell you that you're on the right path. Be diligent and honest. Your therapist can help you sort things, but the answers that matter will come from you.

As for the guilt and shame, there I might offer some insight. I get the sense that there's conflict between your need to express you fem self and the need to keep peace at home, and maybe protect you social and or career status. Those are valid concerns and resolving that conflict can be tough, but... recognize that those are purely practical considerations. Who you are is who you are, and there should be no shame in that. If you can separate those two things, things might be easier.

Feel free to PM, if you'd like to talk shop.

Good luck to you.

Hugs,

Kelly

[Nyla F]

Karen,
I went to a therapist for a while and this really helped me come to terms with my crossdressing and helped me to shed some of the guilt. I say "some" because my wife is not accepting. As for concrete an intentional steps:
1) understand myself better. I understand that this is an part of who I am (rather than a character flaw or failure). I understand why I crossdress, what I get out of it, how far I want to go. I am confident in my gender identity and sexual orientation.
2) accept this part of me, decide that I will no longer feel guilty about being this way. I stopped purging out of guilt (now only throw things out that I no longer like, such as most of my men's underwear!). I know it sounds a bit simplistic to say I just decided to not feel guilty, but that is how it seemed to happen for me. It didn't happen overnight, but being able to discuss it with a therapist definitely helped. Do you wan't to live the rest of your life in guilt? If you can't decide to not be a crossdresser any more, then the alternative is to decide to not feel guilty about it.
3) try to be more open to my wife about it, to the extent that she is able. We are mostly DADT, she doesn't want to talk about it. This still causes some anxiety, but at least I feel less guilt because I am willing to be more open about it. But I do still feel some guilt in the distress it causes her. You have a great advantage in this area having an accepting wife.

[JenniferR771]

And, Karen...try to join a CD support group. It is very liberating to talk with other guys who have similar experiences and feelings. And it is very helpful to talk with some of the wives that come to support group. It just feels amazing to be accepted.

[Helena]

Gretchen, Teresa and the others have given such good and thoughtful answers but I will offer my simple one.

Like Sherry, being on this forum helped immensely. Read thousands of posts, realised I wasn't doing any harm to others and felt happier. I was racked with guilt because it was largely sexual. As that went away the guilt and shame diminished.

My ex helped a lot, firstly by being accepting and helpful and then by actually getting me out of the door to a support group. Unfortunately, at that time I couldn't completely drop the years of shame and hiding, so was still being secretive which damaged relationship, so be as open and honest as possible with your wife.

Being out and about, being less hung up on labels, blending elements daily and being less concerned about others opinions helped me reach a comfortable plateau where I accept I am somewhere on the spectrum, the mix of male and female make me me.

My partner has had variety of therapies and one element is giving yourself permission to be a certain way.

[Stephanie47]

I'm wondering if anyone has examples of concrete and intentional steps you have taken to deal with guilt and shame issues.

Your description of your marital relationship is right on point with my relationship. DADT but no overt hostility. Happy to read you're taking steps to deal with your PTSD. I've been in one on one therapy and group therapy for the last eight plus years. It certainly has been helpful. My is war related combat issues.I have not brought up any issues of wearing women's attire to my counselor. I know she would be supportive from what has been said during our conversations. Long before seeking therapy for PTSD I had put my feeling of shame, guilt or however one wants to describe these emotions in a box. I looked back on my life. My negative feelings arose as a teenager who dabbled in his mother's lingerie draw. Totally confusing times. Hot blood guy lusting after girls, but, wearing his mother's clothes did not mesh.

I went to the best high school in NYC which was followed by the best public college in NYC. All motivated to be able to support myself and any future family. Then Uncle Sam got his mitts on me and turned me into something I had not expected. I did all those things men are called upon, i.e., service to your country. Unless you have been there and done that you really cannot understand the feelings that arise when you take a city kid or country boy and teach him to kill and maim. And, at the same time avoiding that result upon yourself. After you become of no use to the military you were tossed to be curb like garbage. Then you pick up the pieces and work hard, raise a family, and, do all those things society says you should do. A nice pat on the back.

But, alas, were people to find out you feel the need to wear women's clothing all is lost. Anything positive is lost. I reflected on my accomplishments and came to the conclusion that "I paid my dues!" I did all those things society said I should do. I have come to realize I am not the one with the problem. Others have the problem. But, there is always fallout. Their problem becomes your problem when there is the potential of being dropped as a friend or neighbor or member of the church. I have taken the position I do not want to stir the pot. I have to realize any fallout from my desires also falls upon my wife. My secret is now a shared secret.

Rightly or wrongly I figure I earned the right to be who I am. I look around at what is happening in this country, and, realize I am not the person spreading disharmony among the populace. It is those who do not want to accept others because they are not clones of themselves. They have the problem, not I.

[Laurie A]

For me it was acknowledging that there is nothing wrong with who I am. It sounds so simple, right? "There's nothing wrong with who I am" Had to keep repeating this mantra to myself for years, and gradually the guilt and shamed faded away.