Therapy round 2

[JulesLynne]

Tonight is my first appointment for what I’m calling Therapy Round 2. My wife and I did about 6 or so couples therapy sessions after I revealed that I’m a CD. Things went pretty well and she’s mostly supportive. Over the past year, I thought that moving into a much less stressful and more enjoyable job would diminish my urge to dress... but it didn’t. As of last year, makeup, wig, and forms/padding were off limits for my wife and I was initially OK with that. I’m realizing that I really want to complete my transformation but I’m also terrified of pushing her too far and too fast. So I thought that a therapist could help. Our last one had never dealt with CD or transgender issues before, and this one supposedly does. So I’m looking forward to it and hoping for a positive outcome for my wife and me.

Wish me luck!

[docrobbysherry]

Please report back with the results of this session, Lynne! I'm sure many of us r interested. Good luck!

[missjoann49]

Please keep us in your thoughts and let us know how it goes and how you are doing. Take it slow one step at a time

[Crissy 107]

Good luck and let us know how you are doing.

[Shayla]

Good luck. When my wife and I were still trying to hold it together, we went to a Trans-positive therapist. Her (the therapist's) perspective and advice made my wife feel better about my needs, but she (my wife) could not break through her aversion to me CD-ing. (she would have been very open to a friend being trans/a CD, just not her husband). Sometimes their aversion to it is rooted as deeply as our needs for it...I don't want to sound negative- it certainly can't hurt. If the therapist can get your wife to come clean with her true concerns, etc, and then help you address those, it should help a lot.

[alwayshave]

Lynne, best of luck expanding your dressing.

[Rachelakld]

best of luck.
I remember when my wife thought there was 3 of us in a relationship, she wasn't too happy having another female in the house competing for my attention.

[Stephanie47]

With the absence of a full description I am assuming you're able to wear women's clothing in front of your wife, but, not those enhancements (wig/makeup/forms) which would wash away any outward signs of maleness. That may be the straw that will break the camel's back. Pushing it further than your wife's comfort level. You also run the risk of having your wife think you and the therapist are working against her limitations. Please realize marriage is a partnership. What happens if your wife is adamant against expanding your desires? If you're in the Washington, DC area, from the posts/threads over the years there seems to be a good number of ladies in the area to socialize with.

[Beverley Sims]

Don't use a therapist to help push your view on dressing on your wife.

Gradually dress over a period of 12 months or more and accept her limitations.

When she says no, slow down.

Also read others experiences on how they got accepted.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I thought that moving into a much less stressful and more enjoyable job would diminish my urge to dress... but it didn’t.

Interesting that you thought that. It sounds as if you thought of Cding being partly as a reaction to stress and tedium. I'd say it was more the opposite: that most of us dress more when we have time and freedom to do so.

Good luck either way!

[JulesLynne]

Great first session! She actually took the time to read through all my pre-screening questionnaires and therapy goals. My basic goals are to (1) understand myself and (2) figure out a way to better communicate with my wife and find a way for both of us to meet our goals. My fear is that our goals are probably not the same and there’s likely to be an uncomfortable disconnect.

I talked about my childhood and how I’ve always been attracted to certain types of womens clothing and never understood why. I thougt that getting a girlfriend in high school would change it, I thought that getting married would change it, I thought that getting a good job and having kids would change it, yet nothing did and I kept it hidden.

Last year I realized that I didn’t want to hide this anymore and I told my wife, went through counseling, and found that my wife was OK with some dressing and I thought that would be OK. She’s ok with MIAD and shaved legs. Neither of us wants to be discovered by our kids or neighbors, so my opportunities to dress are extremely limited. We don’t really have anyone to watch our kids, so our abilities to escape from the kids are generally limited to a couple days per year. Those are great opportunities for me to dress and she’s OK with that, but I don’t like using up our limited kid-free time to dressing, and I’m still not happy with her limits (no makeup, forms, wig), but I’m honestly not 100% sure what her limits are and she’s reluctant to talk about them... thus the therapy. I need to find another outlet. I also told the therapist that I’m concerned that every time I thought I’d reach what I thought would be my goal, that my goal seemed to shift more. 20 years ago I thought stockings would be all I need. 10 years ago I thought that maybe a skirt would complete the look. Then I wanted shoes and nicer dresses, and now I want makeup and forms. So what’s next? That scares me as well and I asked her “at what point does this become unhealthy for me?”

Therapist sees dressing as something that falls within the normal spectrum of gender and sexuality, and it could mean different things to different people. She remarked that dressing is infinitely healthier than so many other things she sees (husbands addicted to violent video games, sports, etc.) and that society seems to be more accepting of those unhealthy behaviors. In any case she doesn’t see any need to “cure” me which I found good. She also remarked that it would be healthy for me to both find an acceptable mechanism for me to further explore my dressing instead of trying to further repress it. Having said all of that, I don’t see her as someone who is going to solely represent me and try to strongarm my goals onto my wife. My wife knows about my counselor and wants to also participate. Like I said earlier, my #1 goal is communication and finding a way for us to be able to work through these issues as a couple so that neither of us has to repress anything.

Going back to other peoples comments (which I appreciate). On one hand, I absolutely agree that I need to respect her limits and concerns. Right now, I’m honestly not sure that I fully understand her limits and I’m afraid to push too far... thus the need for a therapist to help me gather my thoughts and communicate with her. I think I’ve been doing a good job with that and taking things slowly. But on the other hand, why is she the one who gets to set the limits? I don’t tell her what she can or can’t wear, and I don’t demand that she wear makeup (or not). Rant over.

I’m in the DC area and I think I would greatly benefit from some sort of support group. I understand if she’s not comfortable seeing me fully dressed. But why would it be impossible for her to allow me to attend a local support group or even go out dressed in some sort of safe and non-sexual environment. Side note: I still think that for her, crossdressing is subconsciously linked to being gay or sexually promiscuous. Last year when we talked, she had the notion that CDs meet up in shady bars and it’s all about sex. I’m sure that there are some people who fit into that category, but that’s definitely NOT me.

Anyone know of any DC area groups that might be able to help?

[phili]

(the therapist's) perspective and advice made my wife feel better about my needs, but she (my wife) could not break through her aversion to me CD-ing. (she would have been very open to a friend being trans/a CD, just not her husband). Sometimes their aversion to it is rooted as deeply as our needs for it...

Describes my situation. I love my wife, and the reason she gets to set limits is that she literally does fall apart and shrivel when I CD, and I feel a whole lot better about everything when I do not cause her that pain. So after 32 years of marriage, I have accepted these facts:
-being a CD is a thing- and it branches off into more often enough- it is a mystery to unravel and
-there is a big cost to unraveling it- takes time and changes all your relationships
-I am not leaving my wife- so I am accepting some limits- just like you do for children. Yes, certain deep feelings are never going to find a place for expression and reception, but I think that is a pretty common fact of life, and pursuing my deepest self is [as I concluded in teens and 20s] not a simple thing and therefore not likely to result in a better life over all. There are thousands of roads not taken in our lives, and I am comfortable with saying I am riding the horse I chose.
-I am still free enough to have days out which she frets about but not seeing me makes it abstract and therefore a shadow but not an anguish
-I am investing in self-therapy- shopping at thrift stores being a prominent one- where I am not alone and am claiming space to enjoy touching and imagining and then buying all the clothes I ever wanted to have. This works pretty well, and then when alone I simply dress up and enjoy it as if I was the girl I feel I am waiting for the world to arrive for a party I am holding!
-In this way I arrive at a state where I start to forget what I am wearing, and in that moment I realize what many females learn soon enough- clothes are clothes and life is life. But I accept the fact that I am like a teen girl getting to know the meaning of clothes, and evolving in my own private universe.
-I find self acceptance is a huge piece of this- and I am philosophical about the fact that as a male I am feeling a lot of what is assumed to be the province of femaleness. I glory in my breasts A cup, maybe? - no one gets it but me- but at least I get it! ;0)

[JulesLynne]

UPDATE - or more likely me just venting on the forums.

Today’s session went well and I’m really liking my therapist. She’s pretty realistic and seems to see both sides of this in that I NEED to dress but my wife understandably has a hard time with this and it’s not natural for her to embrace this side of me. We talked about some methods to start communicating better between us and I was fairly hopeful on my drive home. I got home and things took a huge downhill turn pretty quick. We were at the dinner table with the kids when my wife made an offhand remark about my dirty fingernails that are longer than hers... boys shouldn’t have long nails... ummm... OK, I guess I’ll go trim them... sorry I was out of town for several days, didn’t have fingernail clippers, and for some reason a brand new pair of fingernail clippers I bought last week mysteriously vanished from my bathroom before my trip. And it’s not like my nails were really that long to begin with. Later I found that one of my kids took them.

But I know her and I saw her look of disgust and disappointment. She knows that I’m seeing a therapist and we’ve been open about it. I realize that she’s entitled to have her ups and downs just like me, but this one came out of nowhere and the worst part for me was the absolutely disgusted look on her face as she was saying these things.

So instead of coming home and trying to start a conversation, it appears that I’m taking a few leaps backwards for the time being. This roller coaster is exhausting - for both of us. Just when I thought we were nearing a chance to open up conversation we went backwards.

Am I overreacting? Any advice?

[Sometimes Steffi]

Anyone know of any DC area groups that might be able to help?

Look up the DC meetup group "D.C. Area Transgender Ladies Socials and Events (DCATS)". 27 girls have signed up so far.

Our next meetup is in NoVa on Feb 16. Since it's our Valentine's Day "soiree", wives/SOs are encouraged to attend.

I will be there; my wife will not.

BTW, I've already passed Therapy 1, 2 and 3. My wife tolerates enough to allow me to go out en femme, with 3 exceptions:

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil". In other words, deep DADT.