Relationships and Cross Fantasizing about men

[Kristi Moore]

Hello all,

Thank you for this wonderful site . I’m a closeted somewhat crossdresser on and off for thirty years. I’m engaged and haven’t dressed in 2 years .

I’m not sure where Kristi lands in my life . My significant other doesn’t know . She is Eastern European culture . Recently some bad decisions on my part and work related issues have caused financial stress and relationship issues . I’d do anything in the world for her and to keep her . I’m attending g 12 steps and working UBER while I get my business back on track.

The issue is she doesn’t even know about Kristi , I betrayed trust by my behaviors and am so ashamed . But there is a small part that wants her and the kids to leave me . Some hurtful things have been said and I’m trying to work it out but she isn’t willing . I can’t even imagine if Kristi got thrown into the mix . In addition. I fantasize about being a woman and being with a mature admirer who would take care of me. I’ve experimented in the past and can take it or leave it but I’m so confused .

One minute I want her then I feel rejected and want to be a nympho as Krist! Talk about stress of emotions . Any feedback is highly appreciated .

[Stephanie47]

If you're serious about resolving these issues you're better off seeing a therapist/psychologist rather than asking advice on this forum. One line responses is not a substitute for counseling.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Examine your bad decisions, especially why you made them and if they are correctable for the future, if they will continue to make work and relationship issues, you need to find out what you need to do to correct those behaviors that lead to the bad decisions. I suspect the 12 step program is for an addiction , its a good first step, but one issue addicts sometimes do, is substitute one addiction for another (some not all)
If dressing is an escape mechanism for work and personal issues, then put the engagement on hold until you deal with the issues above.

Not dealing with stress is used by many as a reason why they CD. In my opinion (and it is mine) finding out the cause of your stress and channeling your energy into something that is less stressful is a better way to handle things.
Being a closeted crossdresser who fantasizes about being in a homoetro relationship while engaged to an an unknowing woman sounds like you are setting yourself up for disaster.
I'm a fan of honesty before marriage.

[Vickie_CDTV]

I'd think twice about telling her you have been with men, before or during the marriage, or want to now. It will spell doom for your marriage, and really hurt you in the divorce proceedings.

The well being of the kids should be first and foremost. If you can save the marriage, it is so much better to keep the family together.

[Ressie]

That is a fantasy alright - a mature admirer taking care of you - unless you're a very hot looking CD. Maybe figure out what you need to do to take care of yourself. Sounds like it's a good thing you haven't tied the knot yet. Maybe you shouldn't.

[docrobbysherry]

U sound very stressed at the moment, Kristi. That may mean u may make bad decisions after previous bad decisions!

U sound is if u have more serious issues than worrying about dressing!

I strongly suggest u take Steph's advice. An experienced therapist could help u sort things out, set priorities and put u on best path for u now!

[Kristi Moore]

That is a fantasy alright - a mature admirer taking care of you - unless you're a very hot looking CD. Maybe figure out what you need to do to take care of yourself. Sounds like it's a good thing you haven't tied the knot yet. Maybe you shouldn't.

I’m not sure if I made myself clear above . I am in therapy and 12 steps . As I mentioned it’s a fantasy . I would hope a fellow crossdresser understands we are all at different phases of where we are . I assure you the priority is self first and the addiction. Just love her and the kids deeply and know I have a long journey ahead .

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Hello ladies and thanks for the advice . Just to clarify I am in therapy , just started again and I’m 12 steps yes for addiction . I’m sure we all have our struggles and hope this is a place to vent and seek those who may have had a similar experience .

Thank you again

[Jenny22]

I gather the kids are hers, not yours. Almost 11 years on the forum and only 3 posts ..wow! You still fantasize about being with a man, and would, I feel, under the right circumstances, even though you are engaged. That may be why there's a small part of you that WANTS her to leave so you can be Kristi.

I'd suggest a trial separation AFTER you tell her about Kristi to see where the chips may fall. She needs to know now, and you need to figure out what is most important for YOU.

[Tracii G]

IMO getting married is not going to fix anything only make it worse for you financially and get you into a hole you may not be able to get out of.
If you have a history of bad decisions so what makes you think you are right this time?
You need professional help with a therapist.
12 steps did help me a little but what helped the most as far as addictions goes is stay far away from those friends you had at that time that were involved and stay away from those drugs. Sober since 89 and still going strong.

[Micki_Finn]

You’ve got a LOT going on right now and you’re going to have to unravel this one knot at a time. You say you’re in a 12 step program, I assume for substance abuse. That needs to be your first priority. You can’t make any proper decisions if you’re not sober.

[Tracii G]

I agree sober is first priority right now.

[Vickie_CDTV]

If the children are not yours, and you are not already married... best to eventually move on. Getting married will end in disaster, especially if you have a child with her. Seen this scenario in the trans community a million times, never ends well.

[kimdl93]

Reality test is in order.

Fantasies about being kristi nympho says a couple of things. 1) you are taking thes fantasy rides as a diversion from real life, and 2) perhaps your perception of women is more as a consumer than a partner.

Contrast that with your statement that you would do anything for her.

I am most certainly NOT a twelve step advocate. However, I am an advocate of evidence based medical treatment of addiction. If you’re business and relationships are suffering, you are an addict, my friend, and must deal with it before dealing with Kristi...if that persona exists as anything other than a delusion

[Kristi Moore]

Kim


Thanks for the feed back . I believe above I did mention I’m in 12 steps and therapy . I’m not questioning my addiction. At all and frankly feel my post was honest . I’m additon I appreciate your observations. I posted here for advice or questions I guess of fellow crossdressers who may have faced a similar situation . I’m sure I’m not the first lot last dreamer of sexual fantasies . Our spectrum is fairly varied I think you would agree .

[AmandaM]

Look at the Extreme Crossdressing thread for a potential lifestyle. A certain part of me is attracted to that as well. Sometimes, I'd like nothing better than to dress up all hot and sexy and please a man. Yet, I also have TS feelings. Basically, right now I'm non-binary. Another thing. I'm married with children. I don't really want to cheat. Would it be fun, probably. Can I live without it, yes. I've decided my life is better the way it is. So, make sure you're not experiencing a grass is always greener situation.

[Beverley Sims]

I'd think twice about telling her you have been with men, before or during the marriage, or want to now. It will spell doom for your marriage, and really hurt you in the divorce proceedings.

The well being of the kids should be first and foremost. If you can save the marriage, it is so much better to keep the family together.

The last line is what you need to look out for.
Krisi might have to go back in the wardrobe for a while.
As for your other fantasies find some new ones.

[susanmichelle]

Amen to all of the great advice everyone here has given. Mine is now only seeing a therapist but please tell her you significant other about your desire to cross dress before you take that plunge into marriage or just living together. You’ll make life easier on you both better in the long run. He’ll maybe she won’t care about the dressing but the other is a completely different matter. Hope you make the right choice either way God bless you both

[abbiedrake]

I tried men a couple of times with my wife long before CDing. Guess what? I'm not bi. It wasn't 'successful'. Just not for me. I'm glad I tried it. But as has been said beware that green-looking grass over yonder.

[sometimes_miss]

I fantasize about being a woman and being with a mature admirer who would take care of me.

^ It was this that triggered my response. As a kid, I was molested over many years, by a much older boy who was also my protector whenever I was with him, as well as his instilling fear in anyone who he ever knew picked on me. It was this feeling of security and safety which I apparently attached to his dressing me up as a girl and having sex with me, which remained long after he was gone. The desire to dress and behave sexually as a girl is most likely (for me, at least) just a product of feelings from something that happened in my childhood, as I don't feel any interest or attraction to males in any other way, and don't enjoy sexual behavior of being penetrated.

I don't know why you have the feelings that you do, but it would probably be good to see a therapist to look into what may have happened to cause them.

And, of course, start making some slight introductions of various TG media into your lives to see how she responds (movies and TV which have crossdressing characters). But be careful with that, because you can wind up with the Not In My Back Yard syndrome even if the women is accepting of OTHER men behaving in transgendered ways.

[Rachelakld]

Firstly - Kids and family are NOT your first priority - if you don't put yourself as number one priority, all other relationships that rely on YOU, will fail.
Secondly - Let her know about the existence of Kristi - if you not honest before the ring goes on her finger, all hell will break lose
Third - never expect a man to "take care of you", nympho lifestyles never work well in a stable relationship (sure they are fun for a while though).

Some people never have "The One" in their lives, so they make the best of their lives in other ways.

[prene]

I started like that at first.
I would want to be with a my girlfriend then I would want to be my feminine self.

I have a therapist now and she is great.

I still have a lot of the same feelings, but more comfortable being Prene.
I still want a gf but that has really not worked out yet.