Coming out?

[Alexandra Collins]

I'm still new to this forum, and this is the first "serious" thread I've started. So far I've found the forum to be very helpful in terms of information, inspiration and interesting stories!

I've only been dressing for a year, and going outside dressed for 8 months. But I've already met about 20 local CDs, and I'm amazed at some of their stories, in particular how long they've been dressing, and/or how strong the urge to dress must be given the circumstances they find themselves in. I know one who has been dressing 30 years, but their wife doesn't know. I know another who their wife knows, and she is absolutely against it and wants nothing to do with it; this CD is so conflicted, fearful and desperate to dress that it is heart breaking to see their situation. And then there are those in some degree of DADT situation, and even that I find very sad and I assume it could still be very discouraging for the CD.

Anyway, all of this got me to thinking that the situation for so many of us struggling with secrecy or lack of acceptance could be better if as many of us as possible came out to more of the people around us (friends, family and co-workers)? Seems like the more people who realize there are CDs around them, the more general acceptance would grow and the need for secrecy would diminish. I realize this is easier said than done, but I'm thinking if we know someone who we are pretty sure would be OK with it, shouldn't we tell them? I've heard first hand and read online many CDs say that when you go out people will treat you nice, and not bother you, etc. I know this is true, but that doesn't address the ironic fact that so many are "out" to strangers they encounter when they're out, but they're still 100% in the closet when it comes to the people in their lives, even their spouse!

Personally, I am out to my S.O. (she is supportive), my therapist, and some SAs at stores where I buy things I need for CDing. But I'm not out to any of my friends, family or co-workers. But I strongly feel the urge to do so, and I think I'm getting close to the point of telling those I am pretty sure will not react badly. The reason I want to do this is strictly selfish: since CDing has become an important part of my life, I will have more people I can talk to about the thing that is almost always at the forefront of my thinking, instead of only talking about the other things that these people know are a part of my life, but are now mostly much less important to me as compared to CDing. But it seems another benefit of more of us coming out to more people around us, would be the reduction of fear and ignorance, and the need for secrecy and DADT situations.

I'm very curious what others think. Do you think more people coming out will eventually make it better for others? Further, do you feel any responsibility to come out, at least to those who you suspect will react positively?

[Micki_Finn]

Coming out is easier said than done. It’s always a bit shocking who is and who isn’t ok with it. You’ll find that people you thought for sure would be cool will get weirded out, and some of the people you were most fearful of couldn’t care less. And then there is the fact that cross dressers and trans people have no legal protections in many places here in the US as well as abroad. Would you be willing to come out to everyone if you knew your boss could fire you or your landlord could evict you if your secret gets out?

What I’m saying is that it is generally good to come out of the closet, you shouldn’t judge or shame those that don’t, as there can be some very real ramifications for them.

[Maria in heels]

Alexandra..."wouldn't it be nice if there were a reduction of fear and ignorance, and the need for severely and DADT situations", but these are two different and totally separate issues in my eyes.

First and foremost .... in a DADT relationship, it deals with us and our spouse or significant other, and what their wishes are. Blended into that DADT is a need for secrecy because they don't want "anyone to know" what you do behind closed doors. Before you decide on coming out to those around you, please think of your wife ... while she is supportive of Alexandra, that may be a line that she just doesn't want you to cross over, for whatever reason. This is why many of the girls that you have met and described here are in different stages ... from sneaking around behind their significant others backs because the answer is "NO" or they don't know, to restrictions or requests that our significant others make of us.

Also, many will stereotype the situation, and especially if they are friends or neighbors, your wife may get bombarded with that same question that almost most of us get when we first disclosed to our loved one....the "do you like men" question. I'm sure that many wives / girlfriends / significant others think this when they are told or find out inadvertently, and I am guessing that this is one of the scariest things that they must face in the relationship....whether you are really there for them, or just need them to be there when it suits you? My wife is supportive as well, has recently recommended that I attend several meetings and monthly parties without any hesitation, BUT the neighbors can never find out about Maria. Does this make sense...kind of, if you ask me, because I have to put myself in her shoes (wouldn't I love to do that all the time!) and get the "looks" and hear the "whispers" about her husband? Some people may not care at all, while others may decide that its the gossip of the block and we need to make sure that everyone knows. I know for my wife, this is the biggest fear that she has, so I have to respect her wishes. She lets me venture out, only recently, but asks that I leave the house in "boy mode" and return the same way. Now this does make it hard at times, depending on where my plans take me, but I have to respect, as she is respecting me. Let me tell you, its really hard to come home on a night like last Thursday, after getting all dressed up for a bar/club get together and at midnight trying to turn back into the guy that lives next door to you!

And I have to ask you .... does your wife know that Alexandra goes out and meets with others? You've been dressing only for a year and going out for 8 months - well that deserves an applaud as for many of us, especially me, it took many years before I was willing to venture out, and even with my wife finding a place for me to go to, I still was hesitant and scared. If your wife says its fine for you to go out, you are in a better place than many of us...I know girls that I have spoken with over the phone and chatted thru emails and texts over the years that are still sneaking around after all these years, or have the ok at home, but had to promise that they would never venture out. Also, for some, they, like me, wanted to go out, but didn't have the urgency to do it and as the years go by, you just get used to the fact that you only dress at home .....

[Alexandra Collins]

Coming out is easier said than done. It’s always a bit shocking who is and who isn’t ok with it. You’ll find that people you thought for sure would be cool will get weirded out, and some of the people you were most fearful of couldn’t care less. And then there is the fact that cross dressers and trans people have no legal protections in many places here in the US as well as abroad. Would you be willing to come out to everyone if you knew your boss could fire you or your landlord could evict you if your secret gets out?

What I’m saying is that it is generally good to come out of the closet, you shouldn’t judge or shame those that don’t, as there can be some very real ramifications for them.

Micki, you make some very good points, but I am in no way suggesting that I would judge or shame those that don't. I'm just wondering aloud how, over time, it might help some CDs if more of us came out to more people, but fully realizing we can't come out in all cases, to all people.

[AllieSF]

I echo what Micki says. The reasons for staying in the closet, and closet varies in size from once a year nobody know, to out to family and maybe a couple of close trusted friends to all the way out with a devil may attitude. I totally agree that the more out, the more that know and in the long run, maybe not our lifetime, the better for all it will be. Things like need for income and housing as Micki pointed out to just having accepting friends. Many may tolerate but few will truly accept to the point of welcoming one into their home mp matter how they are dressed (i.e. male or female). That is why we mostly find tolerance (not true acceptance) when out but many do not close to home.

My belief is that one should come out when they can, and "can" means when the family will accept or at least tolerate it and income and close friends will not be lost, and one wants to. I always said I didn't need to come out at that time, but I will let time, experience and where I am on that path lead me to when I needed to tell. I was cool with that and then one day I realized that now is the time and over a 4-6 month period came out to all that mattered. Coming out meant at that time telling them that I was trans (transgender) with only additional details if they asked. Since then I have also came out in person or be photos in the physical, "see me" mode.

[Eboni Robinson]

First I must say, Micki OMG your heel collection is amazing! I'm so jealous! And I think there is another some dressers keep their crossdressing to themselves. It is a just sexual thing, fetish, or kink to some of us. I am a sexual dresser, and I love dressing head to toe. I have ventured out in public many times for attention, but mostly to get comfortable experiencing what life is like dressed like a female. I wouldn't share it with anybody close to me, because it is mostly sexual in nature. I know many people who don't share that kind of business with others. I only dress a few times a year also, I'm comfortable with my male side. I am crossdresser, and I'm proud of it. It just isn't anyone else's business. That's just my opinion and experience. If I ever have a partner, she is going to know before we start and being accepting. I can't be in a DADT relationship. I need full transparency and openness in a relationship. I've seen so many stories on hear that just break my heart.

[Teresa]

Alexandra,
First I don't think it is a selfish act , you are being honest with yourself and attempting to be honest with other people . Hiding or not coming out to some is suggesting we are doing something wrong and maybe even feel ashamed of it .

I feel as you do that the more people that know the easier it is for you and other members of the TG community . I am more and more amazed that the more I come out and talk to people the more they relate stories of family members or close friends who are TG .

I congratulate you on the length of time yoiu have been dressing and how quickly you have been out and about in the RW .

To those who reply saying the wife should be considered when coming out , I'll add a footnote to a wife's reaction .

Although I'm separated from my wife she still isn't making things easy , she expects everyone to side with her and give her sympathy , one friend even suggested that it would be better if I was gay rather than TG . The problem is the net is closing in on her because many have seen me now and they don't have a problem with me as Teresa . She has tried counselling , she suggested it's like a bereavement so now she's telling people I'm dead . I can't help feeling it's better to openly admit to the situation , tell people I'm TG , she would start to get over it better and people wouldn't need to appease and on occasions even lie to her . She is also making it harder for the children to deal with it , they are having to lie to her as are other members of the family .

[Rachael Leigh]

For whatever reason there is still a stigma that comes with cross dressing, I really have yet to find a ligit reason for this but
I think it’s because it comes from what most are exposed to from the media, drag shows and such and comical movies.
Most don’t understand that being a CD or TG is a lifelong part of oneself and not being accepted as just one part of ourselves makes it difficult to tell others. There just isn’t an easy answer to why we are the way we are because it’s different for many. For me I know being somewhat in the TG side of things I would not wish this on my worst enemy because of all the pitfalls

[Shayla]

Alexandra,

Congrats! We are in similar places experience-wise. I have had the urges for years but just started going out in the last year and gaining more confidence each time. Although I agree it would be best if everyone realized that there are, in our society 'many crossdressers amongst us', it might increase acceptance.

But we have (most of us) hesitated all our lives to go public with good reason. Our hetero-normative masculine upbringing and societal influences are a tough mindset to overcome even for some of those that love us. Think of all those wives that, presumably, love their spouses, but "can't deal with" crossdressing. Some of these same wives have claimed that they would prefer their husbands have a drinking or gambling problem instead...like a 'normal' man.

Do what makes you happy, but tread carefully.

[Teresa]

Shayla,
I don't think my wife would be any happier if I had a drink problem instead , both our fathers were heavy drinkers so we both suffered first hand from the outcome .

On the point of the crossdressing label no one I've spoken to in the RW has called me a crossdresser or used the label , the transgender label is very much recognised now . It is odd that there are as many F/M TGs now but no one labels them crossdressers , apparently it's only men who do that .

Rachel,
It is sad to read you say that about not wishing it on your worse enemy , OK it wasn't my choice as it isn't for any of us but I'm far happier in the last year than I have been for years . Lack of acceptance can be a very cruel thing .

[Alexandra Collins]

On the point of the crossdressing label no one I've spoken to in the RW has called me a crossdresser or used the label , the transgender label is very much recognised now . It is odd that there are as many F/M TGs now but no one labels them crossdressers , apparently it's only men who do that .

Teresa, thanks. But now I'm really confused. I consider myself to be a crossdresser, not TG. I thought TG normally means that you identify as the opposite of your birth sex? I do not feel like I'm a woman, even when I'm dressed (at least not yet!). I just like the feeling of wearing the clothes, and going out in public dressed that way, admittedly for reasons I do not understand.

[Stephanie Julianna]

Girl, you gave us a lot to chew on in one thread. My story is fairly common here. I have wanted to dress since my earliest memories around 3 years old. Dressed in private until I started dating my wife in the late 60's. She tried so hard to accept it but I went to far on many occasions that finally wore her tolerance down. So we keep it separate from our family life. Some years are better than others but I have had some amazing years that many here only dream of. As far as another comment about not wishing this on anyone, I love who I am and Steph is just part of who I am. As far as you calling for some kind of a "dress-in", I can tell you from over 40 years of dressing in public, these are already the best times for people like us who love pretty clothes and like to wear them along with all the hair, makeup, heels and accessories that go along with them. My wife and I seem to be seeing more of our girlfriends but I know that there are probably 10X's as many of us girls roaming the street and malls that are simply seen as another woman out doing her thing. So short of us all dressing in our best and marching on Washington I think we all have to educate the community and family around us and hopfully we will collectively finally make a difference. BTW, you look amazing. Love, Steph
P.S. Since I finally accepted myself I consider myself transgendered and not a crossdresser.

[Aunt Kelly]

Alexandra,
The need to tell others is a common thread here, so you're not alone. The advice I would give is to avoid coming out if you can. It's fraught with risk.
That said, how much risk can be best assessed by you. Likewise, only you can decide if the benefit outweighs the risk. It may well be that you've already made that assessment and still feel it's something you need to do. If so, more power to you. Just be sure.

[Beverley Sims]

I always think you should be absolutely sure of the reaction of friends before you come out to them.

I did it to some by going to a theme party dressed as a girl and let them see how I looked.

This way they got over the initial shock and saw how accepting others were.

[Lana Mae]

It seems that more of us being out will eventually lead to more acceptance or at least tolerance! I have been out and no really bad experiences!
That said, there are many of us that can not get out for one or another reason! They need our support and encouragement! They often live "their" out experiences thru those of us who are out and share it with the forum! I am 67 and doubt that in my lifetime there will be total acceptance, but it is getting there!
Hugs Lana Mae

[JulesLynne]

I told my wife about a year ago and it’s been an emotional roller coaster. She’s supportive and buys me stuff, borrows my shoes, takes me to the MAC store, signs up for Keystone, and then backtracks and does a complete 180 and hates everything about it. Next month she’ll love it again.

My honest assessment: I’m better off in my closet by myself. Sorry I’m kinda down in the dumps right now but that’s the way I feel at the moment. Bringing someone else into this isn’t worth the risk at times.

[AllieSF]

Teresa, thanks. But now I'm really confused. I consider myself to be a crossdresser, not TG. I thought TG normally means that you identify as the opposite of your birth sex? I do not feel like I'm a woman, even when I'm dressed (at least not yet!). I just like the feeling of wearing the clothes, and going out in public dressed that way, admittedly for reasons I do not understand.

Alexandra,

Transgender, trans, TG is a controversial term for some. This site defines it as an umbrella term that includes crossdressers (CD's) from panty wearers to full on complete dressers who go out regularly into the real world, to non-binary and several other related terms that fit somewhere in the middle of the spectrum all the way up to transsexuals, TS's who identify different from their birth genders. So, here if people would agree to the site's definition, which is widely used in the medical community it would be easier. Alas, everyone seem to follow their own light. So, per this site to identify as transgender is to say that one falls under the umbrella. Where you fit in roughly can easily be referenced by using CD, Non-Binary (NB) (including gender fluid, gender queer, et al) or transsexual transitioned socially and or physically or not. I hope I did not make it more confusing for you. When I use the term transgender, I usually put "umbrella term" in parenthesis to avoid disclaimers and then thread topic diverting unnecessary discussions.

[Alexandra Collins]

Alexandra,

Transgender, trans, TG is a controversial term for some. This site defines it as an umbrella term that includes crossdressers (CD's) from panty wearers to full on complete dressers who go out regularly into the real world, to non-binary and several other related terms that fit somewhere in the middle of the spectrum all the way up to transsexuals, TS's who identify different from their birth genders. So, here if people would agree to the site's definition, which is widely used in the medical community it would be easier. Alas, everyone seem to follow their own light. So, per this site to identify as transgender is to say that one falls under the umbrella. Where you fit in roughly can easily be referenced by using CD, Non-Binary (NB) (including gender fluid, gender queer, et al) or transsexual transitioned socially and or physically or not. I hope I did not make it more confusing for you. When I use the term transgender, I usually put "umbrella term" in parenthesis to avoid disclaimers and then thread topic diverting unnecessary discussions.

Thanks Allie

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And I have to ask you .... does your wife know that Alexandra goes out and meets with others?

Maria, thanks for you thoughts.

My S.O. does know about everything I do, and in fact has joined me every time I've gone out dressed to meetings or a GNO, except once.

[Leslie Mary S]

Some of us live in area where social change is almost non-existent. In this area we still have a large group that still think of woman as not the equal to men. I thought I was wrong till a woman told me about how she got treated at a hardware store. She was told to go home and have her husband come in and buy the lumber.
I would venture out to say that some of this group will still be around for another 100 years. Welcome to the deep south.

[Rogina B]

Coming out as ? Crossdresser? Transgender? Makes a big difference....

[kimdl93]

I feel no responsibility to society, nor to any anonymous person. I don’t really give a damn what strangers or SAs or incidental encounters think.

Family, friends and business associates are another matter. Should I choose full time, which seems doubtful for now, then these are the people who will be impacted and whose response will impact upon me.

[Alexandra Collins]

Coming out as ? Crossdresser? Transgender? Makes a big difference....

Rogina, I was asking if more crossdressers came out to people around them, would that, over time, help those crossdressers who currently live in secrecy or fear, or live with unaccepting spouses.

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I feel no responsibility to society, nor to any anonymous person. I don’t really give a damn what strangers or SAs or incidental encounters think.

But what I'm really wondering is do you recognize that there are many CDs who live in secrecy (that don't want to), or fear, or with an unaccepting spouse, but that if more CDs came out to the people around them, that, over time, that would help more CDs live a happier life because of wider societal awareness and acceptance?

[Aunt Kelly]

We have had the discussion before (and not that long ago) about our "obligation" to be out, the argument being the one you put forth; that doing so normalizes us to the straight community. I guess that you could call that a form of activism, if that was your reason for being out, but I don't agree that we are obliged to "wave the flag". Still, I understand the argument; needed social change seldom comes about without sacrifice on the part of some. And make no mistake, for many, being out would, or could, mean significant sacrifice; career, social status, family and friends. I can't bring myself to say that anyone is obliged to do so, only to recognize and honor the sacrifice that others have made that has made it easier for us.

Oh yes, every one of us who is out in public is definitely making a difference, but such "activism" is infinitesimal in it's effect on society as a whole. I am out (as far as I am, which is not yet much) because I need to be in order to feel "normal". If that makes a difference in the world, that's just gravy. L)

[TheHiddenMe]

Yes, I believe that more CDs coming out would help, but who is going to be the one to bell the cat?

Dan Savage argues (accurately I believe) that issues such as gay marriage became more accepted because as more people came out as gay, straight people became to know gays, and liked them as individuals (some Republican politicians notably became a lot less anti-gay when their children came out as gay).

Young people as a whole seem to be a lot more accepting of LGBTQ people than people of my generation. So there is hope.

And from a personal perspective, I've never had an issue being out dressed. I've made several friends because I went out dressed.

But my wife fears my being outed as a CD will mean people will fear sorry for her. So coming out is not an option for me, nor for many.

[Teresa]

Alexandra,
How do you feel about flying solo and how would your wife feel ? Does she accompany you to give you confidence or to keep an eye on you so it remains in her control ?

Rogina raises an interesting point but from your reply it doesn't appear to be something you've given serious thought to , that is why I pose the question of going solo . A year ago I felt more like a CDer going out under the TG banner , doing it everyday I no longer feel it's crossdressing , in fact I feel the labels don't matter in the RW , if I was back in my school days my name tags would now say Teresa , that's the only label I need to use now !