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Thread: Ideas for talk

  1. #1
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    Ideas for talk

    Hello all,

    This weekend me and my wife are going to have a talk. We have talked before when I was co fused and not ready to be open and honest out of fear. I am now ready to be open and honest with her and she is starting to take this seriously. I ha e expressed that I have the urges and enjoy crossdressing as well as my crazy fantasy’s that as of now are just that.

    But what I came here today to ask is what are some ideas of things to talk about? I’m not trying to manufacture a conversation more so nhave ideas of things I want to cover so I feel I’ve got everything out without going too far but yet also get her to open up more and express herself.

    Right now I’m thinking throwing the ball in her court and letting her express her concerns and fears. And showering her with reassurance that I love her and want to be with her.

    But how do I go from worry’s and fears to talking how things will work what she’s ok with and can handle ? I feel anytime we have talked (when not being completely honest) it has been more about hypothetical things that complicate things and makes me close up.

    So any ideas out there how to keep conversation going while expressing yourself yet not overdoing it and going too far too fast

    And to be clear I don’t plan on setting up rules or anything like that this is more of a connecting talk but grounded in reality.

    Would it help if I actually said I am a crossdresser / I like to dress to make it a reality? Because now I think about it I’ve always sugar coated it with I think or there’s a possibility that I ...

    Any advice is much appreciated and thank each and everyone of you for being here

  2. #2
    Aspiring Member GretchenM's Avatar
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    Welcome to the forum. This is a very different place from many other forums. People here are oriented toward helping. I hope you find your experience here is positive.

    From your description, I think you already have a pretty good handle on what The Talk should contain and how it should be oriented. A few comments though. Sugar coating things is not necessarily bad, but keep it as just a positive view rather than a distortion to avoid deeper discussion. That would not be good. It can be viewed as being manipulative. You are not trying to sell something, but rather explore a serious subject that has the potential of being a marital deal breaker. Don't present it as no big deal - it is a big deal.

    Speak to her more in the method that women speak to each other. Men have a strong tendency to make statements while women tend to converse more in questions that open up a communication relationship. Women are relationship oriented while men tend to be more matter of fact oriented. Stay on the feminine track as much as you can. You are revealing your big feminine side so be feminine in your approach. It is a lot more convincing.

    Don't make the discussion about you. From what you describe you seem to have a pretty good handle on that, but try to keep it relationship oriented. I like to think of marriage as a kind of threesome. There are the two people but there is always a third party and that is the relationship between the two people. That is the bond that binds them and if that third party is weakened then the connection between the two people is also weaker. Each person is divided between their personal life and the marital life. In every relationship each person should be provided room to grow personally, but not at the expense of the marriage and the third party.

    Other than these rather general things, I think you are pretty well prepared for this. But be aware that the discussion can easily go sideways and tensions and resentments can build up. If you have been married for quite awhile and kept your dressing a secret prepare you thinking for the big reaction which is "You lied to me back before we got married." That is a tough one and being truthful about why you kept this secret is about the only way to deal with that accusation. Many of us have dealt with mountains of shame with regard to this aspect of our lives and that is a powerful force. Just be truthful.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    Danielle,
    There are a couple of stickies at the beginning of the forum, I suggest you read those as well as asking questions.

    Taking up the subject with your wife is good but I suggest you research it first by reading various threads about a wife's acceptance or not.

    Oh! I welcome you to the forum as well as this is your first post.
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Danielle10 View Post
    Hello all,

    I feel anytime we have talked (when not being completely honest) it has been more about hypothetical things that complicate things and makes me close up.
    Well there is your first mistake, BE HONEST!


    Quote Originally Posted by Danielle10 View Post
    Would it help if I actually said I am a crossdresser / I like to dress to make it a reality?
    Well that's a start and when you get confused just be honest

  5. #5
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    Welcome.
    If you stay honest thats a huge plus because too many here get caught in lies that make maters worse.
    You know her better than any of us so we have no idea how she may feel or react.
    I would urge you to read the stickies as Beverley suggested because a lot of your questions may get answered there.
    Remember this discussion is not about you its about the both of you and how you deal with it.
    Too many CDers forget this and really screw up relationships.
    When you hear a CDers say my wife just doesn't understand or when one goes too far too fast they are more than likely thinking only of themselves and not both in the relationship.

  6. #6
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    Follow the suggestions to read the stickies. The discussions I had with my wife were long before the internet existed. There is a wealth of information on the internet which may give your wife so guidance. There is also a lot of sites which will confer a lot of negativity concerning cross dressing. The only thing I can offer from my personal experience is to be truthful, and, don't try to bury your wife with a lot of bull. There is a difference between the question of why and what one gets from cross dressing. After stumbling around my truth is "I do not know why I wear women's clothing." That is the 100% truth. I have no idea why I do what I do. After almost sixty years of being drawn to wearing women's clothing I still cannot say with any certainty "Why." I was able to tell her how women's clothing made me feel. A calming effect to stress. Yes, I like the colors and the fabric. But, all that is what I feel, and, not the why.

    Even before this forum's existence I mumbled something about my "inner woman." My wife shot back with "When you have a baby you can tell me about your inner woman." So, my truth is I really do not know the "why" of this issue. So, be truthful. Answer her questions. Don't overwhelm her. Also be prepared her initial reaction may not be her final reaction on the entire issue. I do not know if you have been 'lurking' in the shadows on this site. There have been many threads and comments made where wives have gone from total acceptance to rejection or total rejection to acceptance. Anyone is entitled to change his or her mind.

  7. #7
    Silver Member JenniferR771's Avatar
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    Don't forget to clean up a little. Got any cologne? Maybe she will be a little more accepting if you look hot. If she finds you attractive, she can be more forgiving.
    Crossdressing is just a little fetish that lots of men have. Hey; nobody's perfect.

    Be sure to have her read through and join the GG women's section here. Many good discussions--I suspect. Some giggles, I am sure.

  8. #8
    Gold Member Jaylyn's Avatar
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    I just had a heart to heart talk with my wife about 25 years ago and told her this was hard for me but I loved to CD. I did reassure her I had no intention of leaving her or embarrassing her but did say Jaylyn did exist inside of me. Jaylyn is not always present but she does feel the need to come out sometimes.
    I suppose my wife was in a heart felt moment because she suggested she help Jaylyn for several years in teaching me makeup skills and even buying Jaylyn dresses n giving her many outfits to wear. We did have some rules that we both together put in place and both agreed to.
    She was very approving till I guess she got tired of Jaylyn and the novelty of Jaylyn and then she said she didn't want to see Jaylyn but her old Jay back as before.
    My advice is go slowly and make sure you reassure she is still your one and only and always will be but you need some CD time also. Work with her and reassure her your not leaving her or changing into a female 100% of the time.
    I think I started dressing too much and too often and messed myself up and back to a DADT situation.

  9. #9
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Danielle,
    There is never a right time to come out but at some point it does have to happen and it is better to talk rather be caught in an awkward situation .

    You do have many uncertainties , so perhaps get the whole situation clear in you own mind , maybe even right it all down in an honest way without any BS . That way you may see things clearer and it will look and sound better when you open up the dialogue with your wife .

    Take care not to oversaturate her , if she becomes upset back off and let the dust settle , it might be better to let her bring the subject up again . I do understand you will want to talk to her and tell her so much because you want to openly come out to her , some can handle that and some can't , they are all different . You may well end up in a DADT sitaution , that works for some but it didn't work for me , all it meant was short term compromises , they sometimes fall into the trap that if it's not talked about then it's gone away .
    The real me ,no going back.

  10. #10
    Silver Member Bobbi46's Avatar
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    Roberta absolutely nailed it! be honest!, otherwise the wife/partner will forever wonder "what is my loved one hiding from me"? be totally honest leave nothing out but most importantly listen to what is being said to you, don't make it like a lecture, take it softly and gently but overall in the long run hide nothing and keep nothing back if you do it will come back and bite you big time.
    I started life a lost man now I am a found woman

  11. #11
    Weirdest woman ever! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Danielle, I'm concerned about this comment u made:

    " ----I am now ready to be open and honest with her and she is starting to take this seriously. I ha e expressed that I have the urges and enjoy crossdressing as well as my crazy fantasy’s that as of now are just that."

    If your crazy, fantasy stuff is anything like mine? I'd suggest u only mention your desire to crossdress during this conversation and none of the "crazy" stuff!
    Last edited by docrobbysherry; 03-08-2019 at 12:22 AM.
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  12. #12
    Senior Member Asew's Avatar
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    In addition to being honest, there may be questions that you don't know the full answer to, so in addition to providing an answer also mention how this is how you feel now and not fully sure if this will always be the answer. I think it is important to talk about where you see this in the future, how does it look 5 years, 20 years down the line (obviously this will change, but it gives perspective on the direction you want to go).

  13. #13
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    Welcome, I think you are on the right track coming here for information.
    Be Honest, that is the first and the most important thing.
    My wife was OK with my dressing, but we had rules;
    GO SLOW, do not try to do it all at once. take it in stages.
    Respect your wife's wishes, and try to work out a compromise.
    Good Luck, and let us know how it turns out.
    Rader

  14. #14
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    Most people agree to be honest, but that doesn't mean being aggressive or giving her ultimatums. Be honest, but be gentle. Tell her that wearing feminine clothing makes you happy. It seems completely automatic and involuntary, innate and immutable. However, you have been able to keep it under control all this time. You can control it to a large extent, but the urges are always there. Please be sure to tell her that this is something that is very hard to you to talk about because of your fear of rejection and social pressures. You trust her and you love her and she will always be first in your life. You want to do some crossdressing but you also promise to live within her boundaries and tolerances.

    Expect her to be somewhat shocked. She may think you are gay, or transsexual, and you may need to assure her that you are completely heterosexual, and you do not identify as a female. Your brain is just hardwired to release some feel good neurotransmitters when you wear something feminine.

    Suggest that you limit yourself to the safety and privacy of the home, and that you start with just one or two articles of clothing.

  15. #15
    Senior Member phili's Avatar
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    Danielle,

    Your wife's view of this is most likely fragmentary and kind of distant, and she feels, what harm in having a little talk- this whatever it is seems important to my husband, She is going to encounter huge radicalizing emotions and these facts are going to become important:
    [A few observations from my experience trying this with my wife of 30 years:]
    1. If her emotions go up she cannot hear what I am saying so being honest doesnj't help- it just makes things worse- she is afraid or disgusted and that doesn't allow for 2
    2. Definitions of terms take a while to just agree on- for example- what is a woman? Separating female from woman is a huge leap for many people and seems very theoretical at best to them,perverse and dangerous at worst. There are so many words that don't have clear definitions, so when you say it and mean x she hears it and thinks it means y. So being honest again is no help.
    3. The deep feelings of identity and survival associated with being female or male are so deep that no matter what we say. It just doesn't get through.
    4. She most likely feels relatively safe and successful because she is a successful woman and attracted and married a solid man. There is a huge and often very important set of losses associated with finding out your husband is not committed to be all man.

    I was so happy to put on my special skirt and blouse and present myself to my wife- I was open, happy, relaxed, and looking forward to being honest about everything. She literally screamed in terror and started to have a breakdown. I ran and changed and came back an comforted her from my old familiar look.


    Your wife's feelings are the important thing here- and your idea to just let her drive the conversation is IMHO the only way to do this. Check your undrestanding of the meaning of words she uses. Check on what she feels is important in a confused question. Check on what her fears are, just try to understand what she feels so far with respect to what she sees an thinks about crossdressing in general first, then with respect to you.

    Take this is the smallest steps you can. I tried weekly 5 minute chats, but even there my wife was so allergic to it I had to go to 10 second reports.

    Stop after you have a disagreement and just seek reconciliation right away through reassurance that you love her and that it is confusing,let it heal or
    We are all beautiful...!

  16. #16
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    Thank all you for the responses. I will read the stickies, as I have started to already hehe,

    Everything you all are saying is helping me tremendously, so thank you to clarify
    We have had talks and she knows a lot about all of this but is was not able to be Hurd cause I didn’t know what I was saying too scared of the rejection all the anxiety etc and to be honest it was bothering me so much that I literally sat her down to talk about something completely diffrent and in the moment I just blurted it out. And told allot of things I shouldn’t have. So this is not the first talk just first serious talk.

    And I’m fully aware that this can be a deal breaker and honestly I do have great self control as of now but I do feel the reason I blurted it out in the first conversation, was because the temptation is getting bad. And the guilt of hiding it got to me so I’m totally in mindset of making her happy and pleased it’s honestly all about her at the moment.

    So thank you all for the advice I will jot down certain things I need to get out and then just let her express herself and what she can deal with.

    And I’m sure my fantasy’s are just as wild as yours hehe, and I have expressed some of this to her in my blurting confustion of a rant. But that’s exacly what I’m trying to avoid is letting the anxiety take over and just blurt things out.

    I will update after the talk to let you all know how it goes thank you for the support it’s my only line of support since I haven’t shared this with anyone previously so I appreciate y’alls ears ( or eyes I guess)

  17. #17
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    Hi Danielle10:

    After reading your introduction post, I have some suggestions.

    It's best not try on or wear your wife's clothes without her permission. Better to get your own clothes. There are many thrift shops, such as Goodwill, where you can purchase, and take home to try on. Be sure to check their return policy. Most will allow you to return the clothes within a certain period of time.

    After the talk with your wife (depending on her reaction), if you suggest a night out with her, you may want to refrain from calling it a "girls night out". If she is on board with going out while you are cross dressed, just enjoy the experience but don't pretend that you are "two girls". Of course, you will know better after your talk how to proceed. In her case, she may enjoy the girls night out scenario.

    As others have said, be honest, be calm, and don't hide anything. This involves knowing how you feel about yourself and about her. Tell her that you love her and cross dressing is no reflection on her as a women.

    The stickies have a vast amount of good information. Good reading.

    Best wishes to the both of you

  18. #18
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    My suggestion is to stop thinking about it. The more you build up and plan this conversation, the more likely you are to get frustrated and upset when it doesn’t go how you expect. Know what you want to tell her, but play it by ear. These things never go as planned.

  19. #19
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    It’s a hard call whether to dress for the conversation. I wouldn’t think that might be good unless you look fab dressed. Otherwise it may put your wife off. She needs to know she comes first and you need eventually to agree boundaries. Most accepting wives do need to have much time with their guy with no mention of dressing. That’s my experience anyhow. Hope that helps. It’s a long road that takes much time thought and money- if you are going to go out in public. Good luck.

  20. #20
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    Update

    First off I’d like to start by saying thank you all for your responses and advise it helped me tremoundiously.

    So we set up to talk this past weekend knowing we would have time away we could sit without interruption. We had a date night which was awesome ( not dressed just “normal”) it was great but towards end of night I seen the opportunity to talk wasn’t happening so I got a little annoyed but I held it in reminded myself to let her bring it up.

    Which she did the next morning during break fast. I started by explaining how much love I have for her. Expressed how I had guilt For keeping this from her and the fact I didn’t know or want to know this before we got married.

    That relived her enough that she could relax and open up a bit. She expressed her worries and fears which were what you hear most of time.
    “You want to leave me”
    “You want to be a female”

    But then there were some that made me believe she actually did think about it and realize this could be a reality ( in our first talk) cause then it got into
    “ are the kids gonna see you dressed ?
    “ how would it work ? “ etc etc

    All very exceptable and I just opened up to her I reiterated that she is my love, and I want her. I also explained how dressing made me feel which helped her relise as of now that’s not the case I also made it very clear that anything could happen in the future but I reassured her by confessing that I will be completely transparent in my urges and desires. And that I am going to live within her boundaries. But was able to get her to see that there is no option of nothing and hiding it.
    It was a very great conversation. She was very supportive and accepting.

    We didn’t lay any rules or boundaries yet but I don’t plan on doing anything u till we have that convo, or if I do I’ll just ask.

    As of now she is very accepting and loving. Didn’t neccisarrily believe this, but is realizing it is. Slow and steady like all you all have said. Ope. And honest and just be vulnerable.

    We had a good chat it was deep, heart felt open honest connecting and bonding.

    I don’t have all my answers still so many questions for her but I will stick to my road I have started slowly and surly.

    I will definitely take your advise Chelsea and not bring it up for a while I had already planned on it and I know that’s my challenge I always want closure and I talk to much. But progress

    So thank all of you for your advise and as of now everything is great.

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