Therapy...Not so much for me

[mercterr]

Many years ago, I went though a bit of a life crisis. I basically almost died three different times in a three year period due to an adult onset illness and this brought my life into a clarity and focus I hadn't previously had. It was around this time, after I had recovered and gotten my health back on track, that I came out to my wife about my secret, lifelong desires to cross dress. She was not thrilled. As I was clearing the room with those I love the most and baring open all of my life secrets, I decided that maybe I should seek counseling about my unwanted condition. So I found a local therapist who specialized in LGBT issues and sexual identity and set about fixing myself.

The first hour with my therapist went by in what seemed like seconds. I had never discussed this part of me with anyone. It was as if a floodgate had opened and I was addressing a part of me I had only ever tried to bury deep and hope desperately it would just go away. She told me this would never go away so I needed to come to terms with myself and accept who I was. As I attended more sessions, my therapist tried to reason with me that cross dressing wasn't really that big of a deal. The person I am is the person I have always been. I wasn't hurting anybody. It's not really that un common. It certainly doesn't make me a bad person...All true. So while in the therapy office, that all made sense to me and I felt a little better...for a bit. But even though it was the truth, it didn't change a thing.

After I left the office, I went home to my wife. My wife who loved me and was now repelled by the idea of a feminine husband. This was not the man she thought she married. Not the man she fell in love with. This is not the man she was attracted to. This was embarrassing to her. I was embarrassing to her. We struggled. I realized I still couldn't be completely myself with my best friend and the person I loved the most in the world.

And my son. I couldn't be myself around him. Take him to sports practice. Host play dates for his friends at our house. Teach him to be a "socially acceptable", good man. I would be embarrassing to him.

And my job. My hyper aggressive, masculine job. I couldn't be myself there either. Not if I wanted to maintain my social standing there. Not if I wanted to be included there.

So I stopped seeing my therapist. I suppressed this part of myself again. I conformed. I'm the good husband. I'm the good dad. I'm the good employee and I fit in at work. For all of the world to see, I'm a real man's man.

My therapist was right. Cross dressing doesn't hurt anyone. It doesn't make me a bad person. It doesn't make me any less of a person. She was 100% correct...So what?

[Tracii G]

Best thing to remember its not all about you.
You have a spouse and a family to consider you just need to decide which is more important to you.

[Jean 103]

No she is not correct, and you just proved it.

As you know there isn’t the perfect answer.

I wish you the best and that it all works out for you.

[Tracii G]

I hope your wife wasn't threatening or using your kids agains't you.
How come you couldn't teach your son to be a good man?
Lots in your thread that pops up red flags.

[Gillian Gigs]

H D Thoreau once said, "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." Men live their lives on many fronts. Some of these fronts conflict with other fronts, which I believe leads us to quiet desperation. It is not easy being a good father, good husband, good employee, at times many of us feel we are just playing a role, and for what. CD'ing can be a hard pill to swallow for some, some of us have learned how to juggle...so to speak, the others have not. You have a journey in front of you, and it will have many pitfalls, but as you already know this is all a part of life. I believe in, "slow and steady wins the race", take your time and assess everything carefully, and you will do ok.

[mercterr]

I chose to continue to suppress this side of me for them. For normalcy. It's not all about me. If that were the case I could throw aside my family and career and fully embrace this side of me. This part of me barely exists because they are more important to me. No one threatened me. I read the room and made a decision on what I valued more in my life. I do teach my son to be a good person and I model for him what general society expects of a good husband and man.

I wrote this to express that even though the therapist was 100% correct, it doesn't make it easy or sometimes even possible to be who you are inside.



Jean 103, thank you. My wife and I have come a long way. I love her and she loves me. I compartmentalize this part of me and express it privately when I can like many others. We make it work.

[Ameli]

Maybe there is a balance in there somewhere so you don’t have to shut crossdressing out of your life completely. Is there any chance you could find a few hours once a month to do something for yourself? You’ve compromised a lot. Maybe your wife would compromise and take your son out for a few hours once a month so you can enjoy dressing up??

Just a thought. Good luck.

[Beverley Sims]

I feel at the time of your crisis you just needed another opinion, someone to talk to.

You state your therapist was right and you seem to be married still, then maybe the therapist was useful.

Me I have never considered a therapist.

[mercterr]

That is essentially what happens now. I dress a bit when I have some free time to myself. My son is mostly grown now. At the time I saw the therapist, he was in elementary school. My wife and I have recovered from my initial disclosure and settled into a relatively peaceful DADT scenario

I stopped seeing the therapist because she was right and it didn't change my situation. Seeing her more wouldn't have made a difference or changed anything. If I wanted to keep my beautiful family and relatively stable life, I had to put part of me away. It's OK. Like Gillian alluded to, most people have some kind of conflict in their life they have to deal with to get by. Cross dressing is pretty minor compared to what some people have to deal with in the world.

I put this out here because I am curious what others here thought about it. Many of us live in some degree of secrecy. Maybe it would resonate with someone else.

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

Beverley

Maybe she was

She did let process for the first time that I wasn't some terrible abomination to nature. From there I was able to assess what was important to me and decide what I felt was the best course of action. It didn't work out storybook perfect, but it did work out.

[Shayla]

Merc, it wounds like therapy worked as well as it could have for your situation. You stopped hating yourself for your needs. Maybe couples therapy with a similar therapist would help your wife come to terms a bit better. But your premise is correct- until the whole world changes and accepts transgenderism/crossdressing as OK, we will each have to choose what we sacrifice. No one's choice is better or worse, each situation is different.

[SusanSpencer]

Mercherr, I empathize with your "so what?" None of us picks and chooses "acceptance" by family, friends, work places to femme natures living within. My late, great dad told me he couldn't and wouldn't but always showed his vast love to me so long as I respected his integrity. It was a partial win if not ideal [what is in the longer run?] "Win-win" a[aka Partial Gratification is the goal of any and all Mediation processes. You're a tough, brave man and you've known all this long before you posted your experience here. I'm humbled and honored by your integrity.

[TheHiddenMe]

I think the therapist was right; you have to learn to accept this part of you.

OTOH, it sure reads to me you are a lot farther on the transgender spectrum than being "just" a crossdresser.

I've known I've been a CD for 50 years and that hasn't stopped me from being "masculine" for my wife and sons 99% of the time, or at work. I was fully capable of coaching my sons (I now coach others sons and daughters), and do lots of "manly" things like play golf, tennis, baseball, or run races. On numerous occasions, I've gotten dressed up, gone out, and then cleaned up and played or coached tennis.

As I think you have a level of gender dysphoria that is greater than you are admitting to, I do think additional therapy may have helped you. But I think you made the choice (and many do) that admitting a greater level of gender dysphoria would cause your family discomfort.

But you may find value in finding a qualified therapist now and talking to them.

[ellbee]

Thanks for sharing your story, OP.


Just goes to show you, that it's not all fun-&-games, to go shopping & play dress-up for a bit, and arguably being vain & "self-centered."


People shouldn't be fooled or mistaken... The internal psychological struggle is definitely real.

But we try to make do, as best we can.

[Teresa]

Mercterr,
I saw it through but faced the same problem when I returned home , it was like talking to a brick wall , it was my problem and for me to sort out . The other problem was counselling obviously meant a cure !!

There does come a time when the suppression can't go on , to me doing the good husband , father , now grandfather was partly an act to please other people , I tried to bury my TG feeling in all that for so many years . The revelation I had was finding out I was born with this trait , it was no one's fault , there wasn't a cure so you just have to adjust your life to come to terms with it . For me it came to a crisis point when I nearly ended my life so things had to change , I went back into counselling but still found I was on my own with it . I had to find ways to work round it so managed to go out socially , that finally opened the door and my eyes to accepting my female side . It has brought an end to my marriage but the World hasn't stopped revolving , I have lost very little in fact I have gained more than I've lost . I go out with my daughter and grandddaughter , I don't have the same relationship with my son and my wife still doesn't accept but that's now her problem not mine .

Being TG doesn't take away the person you always were in fact it makes you a better person if you're allowed to openly come to terms with it , many of the fears are locked inside our own heads , people do not react how we expect them to . The important point is we are far from alone , the more I talk to people the more I find far more do have TG issues .

Being Tg does not prevent you functioning as a person, lack of acceptance is the real problem , the more I step out the door the easier it gets .

Is it right we get forced into using the term " Normal " if so does that make us abnormal ? Thinking this way we never shake off feeling guilty and possibly ashamed , these induced feeling are totally unfair , why should we be made to feel this way when there is nothing we can do to change the situation , most of us were born this way . We feel like this whether we dress or not but the process of dressing releases so much inside , is it so wrong to reveal that part of us ?

[docrobbysherry]

Sounds like therapy worked for u, Mercterr. It's the therapist's job to point out the realistic choices available to u. NOT make them for u!

In fact, I believe statistically worldwide, most dressers r in the closet. Not wishing to destroy their "regular" lives to openly dress. Possibly when u get older and your son has moved out u will have more opportunities to express your fem side. Coincidently, that's when hormonal changes may push u to dress more!

[Seana Summer]

Hi Mercterr

Your situations sounds like one many are in. It is never as easy as some profess to just be yourself or be the champion of "the cause" for greater societal acceptance of CDing. Sometimes we have to make sacrifices for our loved ones and sometimes you have to make sacrifices to be a member of society and not pick your nose at the dinner table, as well as look and dress a certain way at the appropriate times. Might not be "right" but it is what it is. I hope like me, you can find time to express yourself and find your balance.

Those with understanding family, friends, neighbors and coworkers should count their blessings. I personally will not be coming out to the guy who lives next door to me, or my coworkers, in the foreseeable future.....

[mercterr]

Thank you everyone who replied. It’s helpful to see the different view points as each of us has a slightly different path, have been navigating this for longer or shorter periods of time and is affected differently by this.

[Brandi Christine]

I too am married and in the closet, and have been having greater and greater feelings of dysphoria over the last several years. I finally started seeing a therapist about six months ago, she has helped me very much in accepting who I am (As did the people on this forum, thank you!) and has pointed out that it is up to me and what I want to do with the rest of my life. She continually points out that I have to make the choice, but each choice has it cost, to me and to the people I love. I can go on as I am, dressing when I can, longing for it when I cannot. I can let my wife know who I really am, most likely costing me my marriage but allowing me to live my life as I really want to. Or I can stop it altogether, become the husband I agreed to be, living my life in 'Quiet Desperation' (thank you Gillian). For the foreseeable future it is choice 1 as this is a part of me that I cannot discard, I will keep a sense of 'normalcy' for my families sake, dress when I can. If something changes then I will deal with it at that point.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Hi Mercterr. I'm wondering why, if you are at a place of acceptance, you wrote your original post?

The voice I hear, reading your words, is your male voice. The boss. The one who is in charge of your personality. The one who has made the decision to man-up, put aside girlish things, to be the man everyone (apparently) expects you to be.

But I'm wondering if the part of you that decided to write it might have been the other part, the feminine part? Why else write the post? Perhaps she's getting fed up with taking a backseat, while everyone else's needs are put above her own?

On another tack, I have to disagree with you about your son. I think we can best be a role model to our children by teaching them to be truthful, to themselves and to others. You are doing neither of those things - though I've no doubt you are an excellent dad in other ways.

Why would you wish your child to be socially acceptable, as you phrase it, if being so means learning to repress a huge part of himself? Would you wish his life to be like your own? Wouldn't you wish him to be free to express his full personality and not to find himself in the same trap as his father?

[Fran-K]

Hi Mercterr

I’m in a similar situation as you. My dressing had been dormant. It started coming back & I tried bringing it up with my wife. Let’s just say it didn’t go over well and Fran stayed deep in the closet.

I gave things like divorce a serious think but, in the end had to decide what was more Important - family or Fran. Since Fran is still pretty closeted, you can guess which one won. Different people make this trade off in different ways - so don’t be disheartened by those who insist you should do make a different one.

While the ideal solution is not always an option, I find that occasional real Fran time, along with a lot of virtual Fran time on this forum works well enough (btw, thanks to all the other girls here for being virtual pseudo-therapists - you’re keeping the pink fog to a light mist ;-)


I considered therapy and rejected it. It looks like therapy helped you come to grips with/etc your feminine side. That’s good; you don’t have this unacknowledged, unaccepted, part of you screaming to get out and as a result causing all kinds of havoc. I agree with your “so what?” conclusion (though I phrase it to my self “and then what?”).
I went for other reasons many years ago and found it wanting. It helped me get a hold of my particular issues. But then, after the sessions, how does it help me in the real world?

Fran

[mercterr]

Nikki,

I guess I am not at a true place of acceptance. The therapist helped me realize that being a cross dresser doesn’t make me a bad or damaged person. But my reality is that I still can’t be that person and exist in the life I have created and want. I accept that this is a part of me that I cannot will away so I need to come to some terms with it. I need to find a balance to stay sane. But my reality is I still baisically hide this part of me from everyone including those I love most. If I could touch a button and erase this part of me I would do so in an instant, without regret or hesitation.

That’s the “so what”.

Maybe I mistakenly believed that therapy would offer me a path I didn’t know about where I could be all of me and have everything else too. I understand now that wasn’t a realistic expectation. I’m ok with that. She helped me on a smaller scale.

[SamanthaToday]

"My therapist was right. Cross dressing doesn't hurt anyone. It doesn't make me a bad person. It doesn't make me any less of a person. She was 100% correct...So what? "

So what? Your therapist doesn't know if you are 1 of the 40% of transgender people who attempt suicide .

19% of the 40% are successful.

All a therapist can do is help you sort out who you are and let you know it's ok.

Im glad you benefited from it, and realize it's not worth the breakup of your marriage or loss of friends and maybe loved ones.

But for some it's Life and Death.

I went to a therapist also, after 6 months of seeing her and getting all I could from it, I quit going.

But im glad I went , even though for the most part it was a rehash of everything I knew.

But I don't think I would be out with friends that dress also if I didn't take the step with a therapist first.

Im glad you are happy and have come to a balance in your life with who you are.

Samantha

[lucy_miller]

I like your post and thought I'd add a thought or two. Like you I have had to accommodate a difference between who i am and who my wife needs me to be. I am not totally DADT as I've push forwards on the points of least resistance while she has stayed firm on her own red lines but the pluses are all around sleeping attire and a small selection of skirts, tights and tops and shoes that i openly keep in my clothes cupboard and the weekly working at home day.

However, the difference appears around her acceptance to some degree of MIAD and her aversion to hair, breast-form and makeup (which thus stay hidden) and any move towards presenting as female. Thus the hidden part of Lucy is the gender thoughts, not strictly the dressing part. When we met decades ago I was semi honest about who I then was both with her and myself. As I have learned more I have done so within only a limited license of acceptance. I am more than happy with the totality of the arrangement but only with a realisation that I take risks at the edges but I'm sure my wife is well aware of this and chooses to avoid looking to closely.

What has made the process more interesting is the birth of the internet and the movement of people who realize that others are like them and march out to meet the world. I do know that had i been 30 years younger i'd have come to terms with who i was at a considerably younger age and would urge those in that position to just go out dressed and see who they run into that likes their look.

[Asew]

So my wife is tolerating meaning I can wear some feminine things like skirts and cardigans around the house, in front of our kids, friends and most family. But she is fearful of me going out dressed around our town for fear of our kids being bullied in school. But I can go to work dressed since it is several towns over and shop on my lunch break.

When I first told her she even told me it was ok since it didn't harm anyone. But doesn't mean she wants to be seen out with me dressed. Weird she is ok with friends and family since she feels like she can explain it to them, but fearful of being with me around strangers since she would be judged.

People say the world is getting more accepting, but that is because old farts are dying and the new generations are more accepting. But our wives and our children will also be in the same generation and not change their beliefs too much over time. So if a wife is not accepting she won't be accepting down the line just because society as a whole is more accepting. We made our lives, and we have to find a place for ourselves in our lives that meets our needs and the needs of those we have built a life with.

[Stephanie47]

"I guess I am not at a true place of acceptance." ................I am a generation older than you. I wish I had the opportunities the younger generations have. When it would have really been a benefit there was no internet. I had "The Talk" with my wife in the early 1980's. It did not go well, but, we muddled through it all. I called a woman therapist one night and spoke to her at length on the telephone. I suspect she realized I was really stressed and did not hang up on me. I never had the nerve to actually schedule an appointment with her. My wife told me it was alright with her if I found a support group. At the time there were none. It was a relief that my wife settled into "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" because she had skeletons in her closest too.

Over the years I came to accept myself. I overcame decades of self loathing and hatred. I did my own analysis. I was everything society expects of a male. Many times my wife's friends comment about how fortunate she was to have such a great partner, and, father and grandfather. I wonder how much things would change if the secret my wife and I share became common knowledge.

I settled into DADT. I weighed whether wearing women's clothing on occasion was worth losing all that you describe. It is not worth it. I really do not think I would be at peace walking around all dolled up. Society pays a lot of lip service, but, is there real acceptance. Would my neighbors invite me to a BBQ if I was to appear in a sun dress and heels? Probably not. So, I do not choose the potential of becoming a societal outcast.

That being said I wish there was a support group of like minded individuals. There would be comfort knowing there are other just like me. I see a counselor every other week and attend a weekly support group for war related combat issues. We do not sit around and talk about the reasons why we all attend. It's the comfort of knowing there are men who experienced the same things. No, my cross dressing has not been brought up to my counselor because it is not material to my issues. What I have gained and still do after eight years of counseling is my choices when it came to cross dressing are reflective of how I have lived my life. My outlook was formed way before I even considered going into my mother's lingerie draws.

I find it somewhat unsettling when I read threads and comments of those who must grab for 'crumbs of time.' And, walk on egg shells all the time, less the apple cart be upset. Unfortunately, for those of us you have resolved our own problems with self acceptance, we still have to deal with the problems others have accepting and interacting with anyone who is not a clone of themselves.