Honesty’s the best policy the say but telling you wife (now soon to be exwife) just doesn’t seen to be the best policy to me. Needing help and being put on a appointment by priority list where yungers tg’s are seen as more important. Having to deal with this on your own no wonder so many of us choose to check out! ...
how do you all deal with this turmoil? Any suggestions are welcomed
Sorry to hear about your wife! It probably would have happened anyway since she probably would have caught you in your"lie" (with holding the truth!) ! Suggestion: set a goal for when all this can take place and just live your life in between as they say one day at a time! Not easy but it slowly gets you through! If you can get a therapist or some one you can talk about it with, it really helps! Best wishes on your journey! (I don't know if that helped but I hope so!) Hugs Lana Mae
Life is worth living!
"Foxy lady! You look so good!!" Jimi Hendrix
Ley Lana Mae the therapist is the «*priority list I am on*» I know I need to talk to someone and fast but doesn’t seem like anyone understands... I saw a psychologist in February after a 4 month wait just to be transfered to a new center with this list! Thanks for your reply
Lisa,
Do what you're doing and keep on talking here on the forum. Also find help or social groups to join .
I separated just over one year ago and I'm happier now than I have been in a long time . I did get to keep the dog which is great , I made friends within days with some lovely people , they all know about me being TG despite what I said in a thread I do walk my dog in the afternoons as Teresa .
As I said in the M/F section you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink , I lived with DADT , so it really doesn't matter if you tell the truth or a bunch of lies , they just aren't listening .
I'm assuming Canada is like the UK , the gender clinics are overflowing , I'm not sure if age is the criteria , it appears to be more like pot luck .
Hi Teressa, I guess things are probably busy here also but focus really seems to be set on the younger ones.. in my opinion they can get any resource they need but being older I guess they figure you can handle it! I dug down really deep to come to my realization and when she asked I told her the truth ... now she doesn’t know how we could ever come back from where I have put us... and refuses to see a couple therapist because I insisted it be someone familiar with GD.
I’ve been,exactly where you are, Lisa, and not so long ago. Telling your truth was good and right. But your (soon to be) ex is entitled to her own truth as well. Mine simply could not stay with me when it became apparent that I wanted to live more openly as a transgender person. She was angry with herself, depressed and finally just had to move on.
now, more than 3 years later, that still hurts. But I’ve come to realize that, although I loved her and she loved me, that...even sixteen years later, people can grow apart unexpectedly.
I tried denial, I’ve ridden a roller coaster of emotions for years...in the end...time does ease the pain and life goes on. A therapist can help you challenge mistakening beliefs and self destructive thinking, but the real work goes on inside your head. It’s not fun, it’s not easy, but it’s a necessary part of healing, analogous to pain during physical therapy.
Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.
Eleanor Roosevelt
I can see where it would seem like honesty was not a good idea. You believe that it led to the end of your marriage. Am I close? If your marriage had a chance of surviving, with you being who you are, it would have been more likely if you had been honest from the start. The deception only adds insult to injury.Originally Posted by Lisalove1976
The best thing you can do now is to be kind to yourself, and honest to yourself. You are who you are. There is no shame in that. It is not some kind of "failing", no matter how many people will try to get you to believe that. Yes, that's asking a lot right now, but that's where the honesty comes in. You don't need to "get better" because there is nothing wrong with you. Yes, you might suppress it for a time, but at some cost. So take a breath and accept who you are. Counseling will help with that, and with finding ways to cope with a gender identity that isn't "standard issue". You can be who you are and happy. You will be neither if you give up.
Calling bigotry an "opinion" is like calling arsenic a "flavor".
The reason that this particular honesty has not paid off is due to a full relationship's worth of lies and hiding. Honesty is the best policy. When I met my wife I said I wanted to wear panties (as that was as far as i had realised at the time). When I wanted to start wearing women's clothes, I told her that day - no problem. When I discovered my need to transition, I told her, that same day. She's been with me all the way, and will be. I recently told her I will need to go further in transitioning; again, fully accepted. Why? Apart from her amazing beingness, it is because there was no lie, ever.
Starting a relationship knowing about one's proclivities, and hoping that love and time together will mean she does not want to split once the truth comes out; well, that is the foolish plan. Just. don't lie.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJFyz73MRcg
I used to believe this, now I'm in the company of many tiggers. A tigger does not wonder why she is a tigger, she just is a tigger.
thanks to krististeph: tigger = TG'er .. T-I-GG-er
Hi Kelly,
the problem with honesty and dysphoria in my mind is that when we started talking back 20 years ago (wife and I )I was a cross dresser or at least that's how I felt back then... since then my reality has changed and she never understood that GD is fluid so when she would ask me a question like "would you ever have the operation" the answer 20 years ago was NO... over the years that honest answer now became a lie and the fact that she doesn't understand or want to know really anything about it doesn't help matters... Did honesty kill my marriage, no living with this issue and hiding behind walls I had to out up so that no own would see the true me has caused issues that will be the end of it.
hugs
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Hey Pamela... as I replied to Kelly honest answer today can become a lie tomorrow... and the fact that my wife never really wanted to know (DADT) or find out about GD most likely didn't help.... I reached down really low to find answers to her questions and now she says there is no way back from it....
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Hi Kimdl,
I really look up to your girls that have moved to your new life... I just can't get over the fact that this move will most likely mean taking what I have built up over the last 40+ years and scraping it. IO am trying to see a therapist and have been put on a waiting list which I have NO IDEA where I sit on the list and waiting is killing me. We really love each other but also realize we are both on different paths but that doesn't make it any easier
Lisa,
I have to come to your defence over this .
The honesty issue is a two way situation , how many wives are honest with us before the wedding day , I feel cheated at times by my wife when I look back . Also many of us believe that our CDing is a passing phase , we may no longer do it if we marry . The point you make is also a valid one , you CDing/TG needs have moved on as indeed mine have .
The honesty issue can suggest we are doing something wrong or bad , we should feel guilty and ashamed , it's getting to the point now where it's flaunting human rights issues .
sorry
First off... I lied... I was wrong... I totally hid my dressing....and it was a terrible thing to do to my wife...
when I got married I loved my wife...I wanted to be married...I suppressed my feelings and I hoped they would go away...
when it didnt it was too late... and I hid for almost 20 years...ugh..
so I did not practice what I preach, and I deeply regret it... I can use the excuses laid out above, but I think that's crap...they are just excuses for not doing the right thing...
maybe there are cases where the person literally doesnt know anything and it evolves after being married.... but that is not what we are talking about here.
my behavior HURT HER..... BADLY.... over the years we have come to terms with it...she has grown and learned and accepted what happened and after our divorce we've raised our kids and become best friends talking daily...
++++++++++++++++++
its true that our needs can change...we can identify one way or another over days and years...its difficult... but here's the thing...that's the truth...thats what you tell her..
you have to say....there are NO PROMISES...I have GD....its BAD.... I cant function and it overwhelms my life, my feelings, and my productivity.... I have to deal with as best I can and I honestly don't know what's going to happen.... nothing is off the table.... that's it... that's the truth.... and she DESERVES this truth.....
its not that its bad.... even tho so many of us feel guilt and shame, we also have to understand we are not bad ...but it is IMPORTANT...it crosses the big red line of things that are necessary to discuss and not...
its not like cheating...some people say life is better if she doesnt know... but cheating is just a thing...a moment... a choice...an act...
GD is meaning of life stuff... it impacts everything about your future and if you have it bad you will likely find that nothing can stop it other than expressing your gender, whatever that gender is...
that's what wives need to and deserve to know...
everything else is excuses, and bad ones at that...
I am real
Kaitlyn,
This is one of the best advices I ever read. Can't think of a more eloquent way to say it.
Katya
Kaitlyn as usual is right on the money with her response. Attempting to blame your former spouse for any part of seperating due to gender issues is completely BS.....They deserve to be happy also and asking them to stay in a relationship when you have transitioned is equivalent to asking a straight person to be gay for you. Like Kaitlyn my former wife and i are still best friends and co-parent our child very effectively and with love.
Lisa the telling the truth may hurt now but in time it will get better. That day may not be tomorrow, next month or next year but eventually it will get better.
It's not a lie if you don't know something about yourself. Yes, it can feel like that to others. If I had known 23 years ago that I was TS, I might not be married today. I might not have been a lot of things, but I might have been a lot more. I spend very little time bemoaning what might, or might not, have been.
When it comes to relationships, all we can do is be honest and loving, from start to finish. Megan is right, again. In these scenarios the only thing that deserves blame is deception.
Calling bigotry an "opinion" is like calling arsenic a "flavor".
trust me I don't blame anybody other than myself for our separation... Yes she could have learned more about GD or even asked me and Yes she could have been more supportive but she never signed up for this and neither did I... she mentioned yesterday that she has no choice in destroying what we have built up in the last 20 years and she looses it all, I mentioned she was right but I loose all that plus possibly every friendship, family, career ect going back up to 40+ years.... I hate this uncertainty....
I get it..
I know its rough to hear...
she says "im losing everything..."
your response is "im losing more..."
that is not taking the blame...its really not about blame...
its about the responsibility....this is 100 percent about YOU...and thats just the way it is...
and so to me the way out of the vicious circle is to change that dynamic between you both...
take the responibility for the action.. 100 percent of it..she bears no responsibility to your GD
You have to explore this path...you may lose alot ....and that cannot change...that's not a negotiation.. and the outcome is not known... its a rough thing
you are doing what you need to do
she cant control what you are doing and needs the space to do what she needs to do... and for her to do that, she needs to know everything she can..
and she deserves to have her feelings fully respected with no caveats or attempts to make her feel bad or keeping things from her...
I know im brutal...im truly sorry for it... but it seems to me you keep going back to what she could have done, what she might have done, and how your feelings are hurt too...
For your and her good I hope you can get over that
I lived this, and learned as i went along, and it was harsh.
The world is unkind to those of us that repressed our GD and tried to man up and share a family life
So I will not sugar coat it... its also very unkind to our SO's who are even more scared, more upset and more confused than we are
We all have to fight through that.
+++++++++++++++++
There is no guarantee, she will do what she does but the positive side is you can set the table for the future
...your honesty and strength right now could give her reason to feel like she can still be a part of your life even if today that seems impossible... it may help her cope with reality and give her space to come to terms with her feelings...it may help her remember why she went with you from the first place
or you can keep secrets, feel sorry for yourself and set the table for bitterness and conflict for both of you
I am real
Kaitlyn,
Brutally honest you say!!! but appreciatedthank you.
I realize that she isn't responsible for my GD and that this issue was given to me as a life challenge (yes a bit spiritual) and that the hurt, fear, unknown ect all comes with it. I still need to open up to her about one last issue and it might be the stray that breaks the camel's back but at this point the dysphoria is what it is and the path it has set out for me needs to be addressed.
I really appreciate all the comments on this subject and the feed back has been amazing... thank you all
Lisa,
You may have reached the point of no return , all you end up doing is throwing more fuel on the fire !
You need space and time , I've just past my first year , the dust is just beginning to settle . At some point you just have to accept irrepairable damage was done , maybe faults on both sides in that process, I also realise there is no going back, nothing will put things right , the only way is looking to the future .
Also partners don't disclose everything , I now beleive my marriage had run it's course , my TG issues made the situation easier to decide not harder for both of us , I'm afraid it's just life, people move on and sometimes away from each other not closer .
I truly hope you get a good outcome
I'm rooting for both of you
I am real
Well saw my psychotherapist yesterday as I couldn't wait any longer to see the Psychiatrist...
We discussed a lot of things and mentioned she would be willing to see BOTH of us and see if there is any salvaging our marriage but after further discussion she said she needed to see me for another session first to "set out a plan" as right now I am my worst own enemy (which I already knew) then she will see both of us (if Wife agrees).
I know she wants/needs me to stop flip flopping and finally give in to the fact that my GD has won and that no amount of fighting it will ever make it go away... back to the title of the thread I guess "loss" (I LOSE)
Lisa,
Maybe she'll try and get you away from this thought of losing , and concentrate on you and your happiness , you are the one she's treating not your wife , she will obviously do her best to bring her on board . I do know what it's like to be alone with counselling/therapy, I felt like I was hitting a brick wall , I had no one to talk to at home because I was the one with the problem and it was up to me to fix it . ( My Wife's words ).
Yes.
Black and white thinking is not productive. Again i speak from experience
I suffer from this.
You can actively notice this thinking and then without getting down on yourself and just do your best
It’s not all loss It’s just not. Wrenching change? Scary? Some loss? Ok. I buy that.
But don’t many people face these kinds of moments in all facets of life?
If you Take care of yourself and you are in a better place to be there for your wife.
Btw. One subtle thing I have seen with therapists more than once
It can be a problem if your wife feels ganged up on. That happened to me and it made her angry.
What seems to you as a helpful explanation can come off as coercion. So just be careful with that.
I am real
Kaitlyn,
How true , I know that was part on my wife's problem she knew she also had skeletons in the cupboard but as far as she was concerned they were staying there . Therapy to her and her family was a weakness .
Pamela, your comment “The reason that this particular honesty has not paid off is due to a full relationship's worth of lies and hiding.” seems really harsh to me. Speaking for myself, it took me almost 50 years to accept that I needed to transition. For many years, in my teens, I convinced myself that I could live a normal life as a normal man. So when I met my wife it was not a “lie” that I didn’t immediately tell her about the fact that I was transgender. At that point in my life that was a secret I’d shared with no one and fully intended to take to the grave with me. In time I did tell her but not until years later when I realized that even though I’d found the woman of my dreams it did not make the transgender aspect of my life go away or even get any easier. Those feelings persisted and grew stronger as time passed. Fortunately, to this day my wife and I are still happily married even though I am on the road to fully transition and have lived as Sara for more than a year and a half. Sadly Lisa’s wife may not be able to deal with having a transgender spouse. That does not mean that you can blame Lisa for this and accuse her of a relationship full of lies and hiding”. I strongly disagree with that sentiment and in fact find the statement kind of offensive.
Sara is right. For many of us, our own acceptance, realization, whatever you want to call it, takes time. You can't call that dishonesty. You can't share what you do not know.
On the other hand, not telling spouses or partners in serious relationships what you do know is dishonest. You can't hide something like that and have a healthy relationship. Been there, done that, so I know. 23+ years ago, I told the woman who would soon become my wife that I was a crossdresser. I am convinced that we would not still be married if I had hidden that. If you had asked me two years ago about my gender identity, I would not have used the word "transsexual". Today, I do. When we had that talk, she was not surprised. Indeed, she seemed to know before I did, but that's another thread.
Calling bigotry an "opinion" is like calling arsenic a "flavor".
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