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Thread: Loss

  1. #26
    Member Lisalove1976's Avatar
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    Thank you Teresa, Sara and Kelly... if fact Sara's point was brought to life last Thursday when I went to see my therapist and she asked me point blank so how do you describe your present state... I said without hesitation "I am trans-gendered you know that" and she pointed out that that was the 1st time I actually used the words... I often refereed to having Dysphoria but never ever said I was trans-gendered till last Thursday....saying it is a new reality, like Kelly I was always a crossdresser and it was always enough till one day it just wasn't.

    I really appreciate all your comments

  2. #27
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    Saying the words is powerful medicine, all by itself. I can promise you that, with that clarity, things will get easier. I can also promise that other things are going to be difficult. The difference is that the dysphoria has a face now. When you can see the whole of it for what it is, dealing with it becomes a good bit more straightforward - No more "Am I, really? Should I?"

    Worked that way for me, at least.
    Calling bigotry an "opinion" is like calling arsenic a "flavor".

  3. #28
    Member Lisalove1976's Avatar
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    I certainly find that there is a difference since I've faced the truth but now I find that the path in front of me is now greyed out and no longer clear which scared the crap out of me the type of person who needs to know when and where....

  4. #29
    Gold Member Read only Rachael Leigh's Avatar
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    Lisa to be honest it’s not easy, I’ve now been divorced for a year and a half and I still have days where I just wished I had
    never spoke a word of my gender differences with her and just figure a way to express myself in another way. Unfortunately
    the cat got out of the bag as it were early on and it was just to hard to suppress myself. I loved my wife and I was not a great husband mostly because she never could fully accept this side of me. So I’ve had my tough lonely days, tears and
    wonderings as to why me, why did this have to be me. It will take time but it will pass and you will find a way to move
    forward
    Blessings to you Rachael

  5. #30
    Super Moderator Jeri Ann's Avatar
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    Hey Lisa,

    Gender identity never goes away. It can't. It is the way you are hardwired. Unfortunately a spouse's nonacceptance can't/ won't either much of the time.

    My G.I. was a malignant tumor for twenty years in my marriage and resulted in the death of the relationship.

    The loss? Only my home, much income, 1/2 savings, friends, all family, reputation, etc. I think about my loved ones every day, including her. I grieve terribly.

    BUT, I have gained something that few people ever experience, authenticity. I am now free to be myself instead of pretending to be what I thought others expected me to be. I have often paused to think, could I go back? The thought of it makes me ill. So, actually, the was no choice for me.

    I do wish I could have known years ago what I know now, but that would have a whole new set of consequences too. I wouldn't be where I am now, with the incredible friends that I am blessed with now.

    The uncertain future? Yeah, that. You can't predict how others will behave in situations that haven't occurred yet, including yourself. However, there is a good chance that your future is brighter than you can possibly imagine because it can/ will be experienced by the real you.

    There are unique opportunities ahead for you. Can they replace the things you lose? Hardly, at least this is what I have experienced. It takes time, many days, just take 'em one at a time.

    Let me know if I can help.
    Last edited by Jeri Ann; 03-28-2019 at 06:00 PM.

  6. #31
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    It is incredibly hard for most of us to be open with a gender issue. When you grow up hiding, suppressing, denying, purging, etc., everything in you resists even the faintest whiff of truth. So I get that - and STILL fight it, in fact. Hard. I tend to immediately deflect any conversation about gender. Then I (usually) come back to it after my initial inner shock wave wears off. That took some training with a therapist, though.

    But you can never defend deceiving a spouse. They have both the need and right to know what’s going on, else you are depriving them of some of their own life. It’s tough, but own it.
    Lea

  7. #32
    Member Lisalove1976's Avatar
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    Wow such great insight...

    Rachael I really appreciate your honesty and hear alot of me in what you said especially the "why me part"

    Jeri Ann.. the realization that you can't beat yourself at your own game is a real hard one to swallow and I have been working hard to come to that truth... I'm a bad looser lol loosing everything is terrifying but also such a reality, the hardest part is knowing that If I stay in my mundane life the only one that gets hurt is myself, If I try to be in my happy place I possibly hurt many as you said I can't predict how others will react.

    LeaP I hear you and working on tearing down the walls I have put up to protect myself if the biggest issue but you are right she does deserve the truth and to be happy no matter the cost

  8. #33
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    Lisa,
    So much good advice has been posted, which I am sure not only will help you but it helps others, including me. Don't be too hard on yourself. Take one day at time and do not rush into decision making (I like to let some key decisions steep for a day or two or even longer). Believe in yourself that you can address the challenges ahead.

    I so relate to Sarah's and Kelly's explanations of the journey from the early years to today.

  9. #34
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    Lisa I have to say your openness and willingness to share is going to serve you well

    Just in a couple of weeks I have seen growth In your perspective and there has been a lot of really interesting sharing

    Kudos to you. This is really tough stuff.

    Keep working at it and I hope that your wife can find her own way to come to terms with this
    Being open and willing to listen is a great quality and will help her.

    I just wanted to give you that affirmation because I know you are going thru a lot
    I am real

  10. #35
    Comedian Emma Beth's Avatar
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    In dealing with the issues we deal with, we must be brutally honest with ourselves.

    This Brutal Honesty with ourselves must carry over to those around us. Sure, we can be diplomatic in how we word things. But we remain Brutally Honest.

    This is an early truth I learned from here around the time I had my epiphany moment.

    The other truth I learned from here was that if we embark on this journey to Transition, we MUST be willing to loose everything.

    Sure, we can still hope for the best in all that we do. We should also expect the worst.

    I know this really doesn't offer much comfort because this journey we take is not one for the faint of heart.

    It does hurt. But, that pain brings something that is so wonderful and beautiful that words fail me.

    Everyone here is here for you if you can't get to a Professional right away. Feel free to lean on us, that's what we're here for. To lend support for each other.

    If you can find a group where you are, then by all means GO. Just keep in mind, there are more resources available to you than you realize.

    You just need to keep your eyes open for them and look.
    The source of fear is in the future
    And a person freed of the future
    Has nothing to fear

    "That's life. It's not always rainbows and farts. Sometimes the farts have a little something extra." -Emma

    Rock meet Hard Place.

  11. #36
    Member Lisalove1976's Avatar
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    One day at a time is the only way I can take it right now as the future is greyed out but with the help of you girl I am sure I will be able to get through it... I honestly am NOT usually the type of person that askes for help (didn't do it here) but some times really need it...

    With the support of this group and all it's fantastic members I'm sure the light will return soon... what side of the tunel I come out on is a totally other story to be followed.
    Thank you ALL
    Love you
    Lisa xoxo

  12. #37
    Country Gal.... Megan G's Avatar
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    Lisa,

    At your stage it’s going to be hard to think of “loss” in the way I’m about to describe as your in the infancy of your journey and mine is over and complete... so i view it in a much different way....

    Anyways when I look back at my transition and life so far the losses I experienced were actually blessings that pointed me in the right direction to an amazing life....

    Yes i lost my spouse in the sense of our marriage but we remained friends and our bond is just as strong as ever... more like BFF’s now... we are both happier and put more of ourselves into our friendship than we ever did as partners...

    Yep i lost my career, many years of building myself up and creating a reputation in the industry was taken away from me... but i rallied and went back to college to get a degree in nursing where i work at both a long term care facility and the local hospital. My colleagues and I at both places of employment are like my second families, we do so much together and I could not imagine living life without them.

    I could keep on writing about the good in my life but the point i am trying to get across is that by just accepting the losses, moving on and focusing my attention on rebuilding i created a better life than i ever could have if i remained in my old life with my former friends and former career. The old just holds you back from the growth you need to truly experience life as your authentic self.

  13. #38
    Senior Member Adelaide's Avatar
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    Hi Lisa.

    So many questions, so many decisions to take, so many people involved.

    I look forward to possibly meet with you within the next month or so, as I have a few business trips planned in Montreal in April. I definitely do NOT pretend to have answers…. You’ve already received numerous words of advice/wisdom from many of the ladies on this site. But I’ll try to be the best listener possible while trying to help you see more clearly.

    I’ll send you a private email with my agenda. Hope it works.

    Adelaide

  14. #39
    Member Lisalove1976's Avatar
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    Hey Magan,
    thanks you I can definitely see how looking back you could see that the hard decisions could be the best decision you ever took... I am glad to see that everything worked out for you and I hope all my decisions will lead to a similar outcome ...it's just hard to take that first step off the cliff.

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    Hey Adelaide so looking forwards to meeting you also... I'm sure we can work something out

  15. #40
    . Aprilrain's Avatar
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    Lisa, from out of the ashes rises the Phoenix.

    Making the decision to transition felt like tossing a hand grenade into the middle of my life! It was scary and exhilarating. Looking back it seems crazy to me what I tolerated for the "privilege" of a "normal life" and it turns out I didn't blow anything up that wouldn't have crumbled under the weight of a titanic amount of other issues let alone my gender identity. My first marriage was doomed before it started. I'm not really that sexually attracted to women so regardless of the GD the situation was untenable not to mention she was and still is a miserable person.

    It is humbling to me to think how much heartache and pain I stupidly endured to reach my breaking point!
    Guess there is no sense in trying to deny my stubborn masochistic streak!
    I was so closed off from myself and incapable of accepting reality.

    I try not to dwell on the negatives now, It occurred to me that there are always positives and there are always negatives. I get to decide at any given moment which aspects of right-now I choose to devote my mental and emotional energy to.
    I know, I'm a mental giant! It's only taken me 42 years to "discover" these concepts that have existed, in writing for thousands of years in cultures and spiritual teachings around the globe. I'll be receiving the No-Bell prize for reinventing the wheel.
    I'm by no means perfect and often slip into negativity, self-pity and depression I try to redirect my thoughts. at first its just a distraction but over time it's less about distracting from pain and more about deliberately choosing acceptance and just being OK

    At the end of the day no amount of suffering I endure will improve anyone else life. If my pain brings anyone pleasure they are the one who suffers for no one can live a contented life seeking revenge, it poisons the soul.
    Life is full of heart breaks and raw deals, as the Buddha said "life is suffering"
    If I let the pain overwhelm me I sink into depression If I refocus my attention on what can make it better the pain can be a powerful motivator!

    The situation you find yourself in is no ones fault and assessing blame is a meaningless waste of energy.
    Time will tell what is to become of the relationship you have with your wife. Perhaps you will become friends or you could just as easily drift apart until she's just somebody that you used to know. either way the important thing to remember is you are not responsible for her feelings you are responsible for your words and actions.

    Be kind, especially to yourself!
    Trust me, you're gunna need it.
    Last edited by Aprilrain; 04-06-2019 at 12:28 AM.

  16. #41
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    Unfortunately I'm in a similar position and after being on my own for 6 years, the turmoil, loss and pain are still there. Even being on hormones hasn't diminished these feelings. But your wife would have eventually figured it out, like mine did and that's when life changed. Wish I could figure this out and offer help, but no. This forum is a great place and I do drive 90 miles to my resources, it is worth the drive. Keep looking for a therapist or someone that can help you, All the best Patty.

  17. #42
    Member Lisalove1976's Avatar
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    Hi Aprilrain,
    thank you so much for your insight, I realize that I am only responsible for myself but still find it really hard not to take others (especially my wife's) feelings into consideration thought if you think of it I take hers into consideration but she doesn't take mine into consideration... as I mentioned before I guess I really need to take that 1st step off the cliff and hopefully things turn out right in time.

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    Hi Patty,
    yes not to worry therapy is the one thing I am sure of and even if it is expensive I guess my mental heath is worth it.

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