Recent therapy session

[Nicole Bernard]

I've been seeing a therapist for years to help me with depression. I've revealed that I'm a closet crossdresser to her. I've also discovered many other aspects of my emotional self while working with her.

On a recent session I explained that I feel like there's another aspect that I'm missing. Some other factor that plays on my wellbeing and I can't figure out what it is.

She felt there are two things that could be acting on my life that could be the cause.

One was living a more healthy lifestyle. Exercise, eating well, etc.

The other was my desire to crossdress not being fulfilled.

That struck and surprised me. I keep playing her words over and over in my head.

Partially because I rarely think of myself. I'm always trying to please others. Also because it seems strange to me to think of my crossdressing as an emotional desire that needs attention.

Just trying to wrap my brain around it.

[Macey]

Makes sense to me. Something you crave to express is being instead repressed. The heart wants what it wants.

[GretchenM]

Back when the DSM 5 was being created there was a lot of discussion of what to do with "Gender Identity Disorder." It had become increasingly clear that the name was not correct as it had been determined that it is not a disorder. In selecting names for various behavior patterns, anything from very severe conditions to something that is a hair more serious than a quirk, they ask well established specialists in the field to suggest replacement names based on their experience with clients and patients that exhibit that problem. And then there is a committee that votes on the candidate names.

As we now know, "gender dysphoria" was the winner. A dysphoria is just a discomfort with something while a disorder is far more serious. But there was a lot of discussion about "Gender Expression Deprivation Disorder" for a replacement name as a lot of gender therapists found that getting the person comfortable with dressing seemed to alleviate all the stress and tension of not being able to dress or being fearful of dressing. Of course it was rejected as the consensus was that changing from one disorder to another disorder (plus many other arguments against that name) didn't really address the condition fully.

The point is I suspect your therapist is quite correct in that the lack of fulfillment of your desire to dress can be a major factor in driving depression and other harmful emotional issues related to that. In simple terms, when you can't express who you really are in a free fashion and without consequences our brain, so to speak, gets confused and down in the dumps. It "knows" what is supposed to happen but when it doesn't happen and no information comes back to verify a match between sense of self and expression of that self all kinds of things can happen in the brain that cause us problems.

It is good that you are playing her words over and over in your head. You have a good therapist; listen to her and dive into her suggestions head first. I suffered the same sort of depression and it finally got suicidal. Now that depression rarely appears and when it does I know how to deal with it because my therapist showed me how to alter my thinking so the depression demon gets put back in its cage. I wish you the best of luck; you can beat it and it is good you are not trying to go it alone. That rarely works when it gets that bad.

[Beverley Sims]

I think you should pursue the crossdressing question even more.

It is definitely an emotional desire.

[Stephanie47]

Welcome Nicole. I think your therapist is correct. I'm not a licensed therapist, so why would I agree with her? Just this past week my therapist said the same thing to me, "You always put others first. You need to do for yourself." I see a therapist for war related PTSD. A little digression here for Gretchen. Yep, stick that tag of "disorder" on vets and you end up with years, if not decades, of being identified as some potential threat to the general public. "Disorder?" How about a natural reaction to an unpleasant experience.

My therapist does not know about "Stephanie." I do not bring that issue up because my basic issues are related to military combat. That being said, one of the positive reactions to these terrible events is to try to make amends for some preceived shortcoming. Hence, I suppose I have always thought the other person's needs or well being trumped mine.

One thing I have gotten from my therapist is her belief/statement that each person, male or female, has some dna of the other sex. She said in some it is stronger than others. That has made some sense of where I stand on this concept of "spectrum." It does seem to fill a void in my lack of knowledge. I do know the Stephanie side of me rises when there is stress. Sometimes it was immediate stress of daily life. Family troubles? Pressure at work? How do I escape that stress? Or the stress of the memories of long ago? Long ago, before there was any stress my inner self always seemed to weigh whose needs were greater than mine. Heck, that's how I ended up in the Nam almost fifty years ago.

The challenge that arises with your therapist's and my therapist's statement is how to implement a plan to 'take care of oneself.' Donning the pretty dress can provide much relief or it can generate even more stress. None of us live in a vacuum. There is marital and social interactions everyday. There is always the thought of rejection. Right now my wife is visiting out of state for nine days. Yes, Stephanie is fulfilling a need that has been in check for a long time. It feels very natural to get all pretty. I read an article which suggests as we age, the drive to dress in cross dressers does get more intense. That does not surprise me at all, since it has been shown the ill effects of combat PTSD rekindle as the veteran goes into retirement.

Perhaps, you can discuss with your therapist a plan to help yourself without incurring additional stress, and, hence depression.

[countrygirl]

Makes sense to me. I also have this need to be Amanda and if I can not it gets to me. Amanda is a way I am able to relax and enjoy being her.

[alice one day]

Welcome Nicole, I'm a newbie myself having "lurked" for a while. I visited my counsellor yesterday and she said almost exactly the same thing about my cross dressing needs not being met. I had regarded cross dressing as something trivial and had gone to see her with help with PTSD from 40 years ago. Once the cross dressing was out in the open - she was the first person I had ever told - the head aches receded. The melt down I had been experiencing stopped feeling so bad. We spent a lot of time trying to talk about emotions, something I'm not good at having supressed them for a long time. Hi Stephan I can relate to your comments about vets, although I'm in the UK. I understand where you're coming from as I blamed my "problems" on the tours in the 70's. But, now I've mentioned cross dressing some of the things I saw and did then seem to be "falling into context" and not as bad. But it took a lot to "own" my cross dressing. What happens next I don't know as I haven't come out to my partner of 16 years, worse as she knew me in my days as a Para 40+ years ago. Hope that helps a little.

[Angie G]

Dressing more could be just what you need Nicole try it what the hay.
Angie

[Nicole Bernard]

Thanks for reassuring me.

I'm married and my wife doesn't know. She "knew" about it and thought that it ended over a decade ago.

I've been reevaluating my life and choices that had led me to where I am. I'm finding it harder and harder to stuff my true feelings deep down inside.

Man, this is hard!

[docrobbysherry]

You're not supposed to "stuff your feelings". Maybe that's why your depressed and unhealthy?

However, when my therapist told me I'd been doing that, I began talking back to my wife. She was astounded, displeased, and soon ended our 10 year marriage!

Which was the best thing that could have happened to me and our kids! It didn't seem so at the time, tho.