First time going out / Act confident till you are

[Di]

So Teresa put this in another post and I want to add to this .
Teresa said “
OK I've only been out in the RW full time for just over a year so I can recall what my fears and expectations were , I still recall Pat's words , " Don't overthink it !" how right she was . I learned quickly that if you don't look for a reaction you won't get one , stop looking over your shoulder . “

I remember all those years ago going out with Sherlyn the first time and she kept turning her head to see if people turned around and going right up to people in the store to see if they noticed anything . I was shocked she was so insecure and that day I said NOTHING because she was so thrilled she went out. But a day later I described to her what it looked like ....like she was nervous and guilty and suspicious. So I said we are going out again and you will visualize walking like you belong, are confident and self assured. NO turning around just act natural. I believe we sat in the car and she was playing it over in her head and said I can not do it . BUT next day she wanted to give it a go and from that day forward there was no stopping her.
Over the years I have seen many videos in the gallery where someone was walking or at the mall and they nervously were looking around/ they were so proud they went out but all I could see was if someone was acting like that I would look because....what are they up too?
You do belong, you are not doing anything wrong .
And like Teresa said don’t over think it.
Be an Actress fake it to you make it.

ADD if you have no desire going out that’s fine too? Just be you.

[Beverley Sims]

I stopped looking over my shoulder years ago and let people come and interact with me.

I don't think anyone that approached me ever had a bad experience, nor did I.

I don't ever remember being read either although I was not that convincing at times.

[Macey]

Have not been out yet, but that day is coming. I've seen advice 'like' this time and again on this site, but somehow you've phrased it in a way that rings the bell more deeply. I'm tucking this away in my mind for the not-too-distant future. Thank you!

[Di]

Thanks Macey

[Helen_Highwater]

Di,

A point well made. I quickly learned to concentrate on what I wanted to do and where I was going. Act in exactly the same way as if you were walking around in drab and while it won't make you invisible it will help you merge into the background far more. Confidence breeds success. Believing that you have a right to be there, because you have!, and learning to relax allow you to move freely amongst the muggles.

If you act like you're doing something wrong, others will pick up on it. Act with self assurance and they will pick up on that and respond accordingly.

I can understand why some choose not to go out. Overcoming that fear of the mobs with pitchforks isn't easy. Making that initial step is perhaps one of the more nerve racking things any of us will ever do. If you choose not to, that's your right. If it's something you yearn to do then draw on the experiences offered here and go forth with confidence.

[carhill2mn]

The advice that I give to someone who is nervous about being out in public is 1) don't do anything that will attract undue attention; 2) dress appropriately; 3) act as if you belong wherever you are; 3) people will see what they are expecting to see, rarely will you meet anyone who will try to embarrass you (maybe teenaged girls?); 4) have a small pleasant SMILE ready! Women frequently give other women a small quick smile.

[docrobbysherry]

I'm a bit hard of hearing. I find that helps me to ignore loud and unflattering comments when I'm forced to make rare appearances in vanilla land.

I simply pretend I don't hear them and keep walking!

I've been out there hundreds of times by myself and with other dressers. I'm NEVER "confident" when out alone. But, I have become more accustomed to the experience!

[TheHiddenMe]

I realized that others may see a man in a dress, but they don't know it's ME in a dress.

And I just want to make sure it's a pretty dress.

[Nikki A.]

I agree with everything said here. When I started to feel like I belonged and was just myself, everything just became so much easier. I feel that I'm as comfortable as Nikki as with my male me. But of course Nikki does dress nicer.

[Ressie]

I haven't been out solo very much so I'll have to keep this in mind for next time I venture out.

[stephenie3756]

At the beginning of the year, I had a chance to travel dressed in my skinny jeans and heeled booties. I kept looking straight ahead as I walked through the parking garage, terminal and to the plane. I was nervous as heck but I was so happy once I was sitting on the plane and realized I had made it. I am waiting for my next flying trip to do a repeat. It was the longest I had ever walked in heels and it was wonderful. Hearing the sounds of heels hitting the floor and it was ME that was causing the noise was wonderful. Of course, my brain was filled with "WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING? ARE YOU CRAZY?"...it was very hard to keep that voice from derailing me. Great posting and great advice.

[Majella St Gerard]

This subject has been covered many times, it's really simple, confidence is key, if you walk around like a little shy lamb, the wolves smell your fear.

[abbiedrake]

Thanks Di. Despite being an oft-repeated mantra, it can sometimes help to hear it just one more time. It's especially helpful when those words come from a GG such as yourself you loved and lived alongside one of us. Thank you.

[Di]

Thanks all for your input.
And thanks Abbiedrake, for understanding Teresa’s words reminded me of Shers and I beginning our life together and just wanted the newbies to know it gets better.

[Sara Jessica]

Excellent advice Di. If you go out, own it. It'll become second nature, I promise.

[Aunt Kelly]

It is an oft repeated subject here, because of guilt. Mind you, I am not judging any of my TG sisters. We have nothing to be guilty about, but fully internalizing that is pretty much universally difficult for those venturing out for the first time or two. It's hard because others make it so, by judging us. We all have friends and relatives who would laugh...or worse. Same for co-workers or customers. And the fear and hatred being exploited by certain political quarters, it's no wonder that newbies are skittish. But here's the thing... most people don't care. What's more? The more you engage with them, the more likely they are to treat you with kindness and respect. It's almost counterintuitive, but you don't even have to "pass". All you have to do is act like a normal human being, which is to say not acting scared or guilty.
A man presenting as a woman will get attention, but your bearing will dictate what kind of attention that is, almost always.

[Frannie7]

I totally agree. Confidence is so important. I remember the first time I was out in public. It was for lunch with the person who did my makeup. We went to a small restaurant early so it wouldn't be busy. It was packed. I was scared to death. Having someone there to talk to and interact with, made it so much more comfortable. It took several times of going with someone before I went by myself but each time got easier. I admit though there is still some trepidation when I am out by myself.

[AshleyT]

Today I'm wearing a normal bra for the first time under my Male clothes while out shopping but I'll be wearing a jacket over me as I'm a little worried someone will notice i have bra on. I'm also wearing briefs to as I always wear them now and have been full time since January.

[Shelly Preston]

As everyone has said confidence is the key.

But getting the confidence can a daunting prospect.

Its also easier in the daytime as people live busy lives and will generally ignore you.

If your on your own then start with small steps.

If you can find a support group as you know everyone there will have had the same issue in the past.

A short drive or maybe a trip to an ATM where you wont really meet anyone but it gets you out.

If you have someone with you its much easier as they can help by chatting to you.

A trip shopping is great but remember, you don't need to buy a thing just being there will make you smile.


It does get easier over time..

[Ressie]

I'm not all that confident as a person to start with. A few years ago I did a search for confidence tips which helped somewhat.

Yet being overconfident can be a mistake in some facets of life and it borders on arrogance. What I'm getting out of this thread is to not look around at others when out. Don't worry or even think of what others might be thinking.

[Teresa]

Di,
Many thanks, developing that point , I know some days are better than others but that's life .

I do feel it stems from my job as a self employed photographer , photographing weddings especially often meant being in the gaze of well over one hundred people , I knew in a few short hours I had to make them my friends sufficiently to get their cooperation to get the shots I wanted , in that process I hope I made a good enough impression to gain new clients . I played the fool , I played the idiot but I made them smile , what they really thought of me was immaterial , I had what I needed to give the wedding couple some great pictures .

I guess I treat going out as Teresa in the same way , I present myself well enough to feel confident , so what people think only matters to a point , like my photography I knew I would never please everyone but the majority is more than good enough for me . A bad reaction may not be of my doing so I don't worry about it .

[kimdl93]

really great advice, Di. Having been at a point of comfort and ease, then losing it, I'm still trying to relearn what you so wisely advised Sherlyn. My therapist years ago advised me in a similar vein....basically if you don't feel something, try to act like you do feel it. And eventually you will.

[Sallee]

I go out about every time I dress maybe monthly but some times 3 or 4 days in a row. Usually on day 1 I am a bit nervous but by the end of the walk or out time I am feeling pretty comfortable. On day 2 I am pretty comfortable but certainly aware of the surroundings. Pretty much the same for day 3 on day 4 dressing is loosing its thrill and I am feeling very comfortable sometimes forgetting how I am dressed as a result I probably get read more on day 4 because I am growing comfortable in my clothing and skin. After day 4 I am usually done with dressing for a little bit because the thrill is gone and I only dress because I like the adrenaline thrill

[Christina Allen]

Thanks for this Di, I have yet to venture out into the real world but will remember your advice when I do.

[Patience]

I realized that others may see a man in a dress, but they don't know it's ME in a dress.

And I just want to make sure it's a pretty dress.

I was gonna say that while one can’t control everything during one’s outings, it’s important to feel good about the things you can control. Being 100% satisfied with one’s outfit (or as close to that as possible) can go a long way.