Big Ask on my Birthday

[abbiedrake]

Hi all,
I have some background to spill and advice to beg.
My wife's American, 8 years my senior, and has multiple disabilities. I'm 48, and I'm her full-time carer. Her family's in the States. We're estranged from mine. We have no friends only one another. But we are truly besties. We have to be, we're together 24/7.

She knows I dress (it's unavoidable in our circumstances) and she's ok-ish to a point, but wishes it didn't exist and fears any further progression (I've never been out en femme. In fact I've only been full femme once in the 18 months since I started). I'd like more.

Becoming Abbie's been good for me. It helped me quit drinking. I've lost weight. I'm happier. More chilled (which would get me lingerie on prescription if my doc knew, just for the benefits to my outrageous blood pressure).

So I just summoned up the courage and joined a local LGBT non-scene social group on Meetup. Next get together's on the 16th April. I'd like to go. It would be a departure for me to do something alone. I have some qualms about that. I'd go in drab at least initially, then maybe a little hybrid, followed by once a few months renting a room for a quick change before the do and before returning home. That would be the DADT route. She'd have to know where I was, with whom, times etc. I'm fine with that, but she'd expect me to attend in drab. I would hate the deception but it might the lifeline I otherwise lack due to no social bonds or support network.
OR
Do I take her with me? Let her see the other human beings and maybe hope for a softening of her attitudes towards being with me as Abbie?
(Today she made me take off my bangles for a hospital appointment of hers. I looked round the waiting room. No-one noticed or cared. But she did. Says it embarrasses her. OK, I get that but the compromises seem a lot one way right now. But even typing just now that makes me feel guilty at my selfishness.)

Help me Obi Wan. You're my own hope.

Thanks for getting this far.
Hugs
Abbie

Oh and I'm more than happy to furnish more details for clarity. My situation is... difficult.

[RADER]

Hi Abbie:
Well my Birthday is this Friday, and My Wife was under my care for about 5 years before she sir-come to a stroke.
She was also OK with my dressing, even bought me dresses to wear, But only around the house.
This was one of her rules, do not go out of the house dressed. I was OK with that, I am not Petite in any way, and would
never pass. She was worried about being embarrassed, and I respected this.
She died about 6 years ago, and I still respect her rules. I dress every day at home, and under dress all the time, and wear
only fem jeans.
If you could go to your meet up in DAB. then change into your dress there, that might make her happy, Or bring her with you
if she is willing. My wife met some other's like me that dress to different degrees. One dresses full time, and her wife had a
long talk with my wife. She came away with a much more tolerant attitude.
So if she is willing, try to make a mini Vacation, book a room for 2 nights and you can attend while being dressed.
Good Luck.
Rader

[Pumped]

Not to down play her health issues, but it seems a bit selfish that you take care of her 24/7, and she has issues with you dressing. I think she is damned lucky to have you around, drab or dressed!

[Micki_Finn]

You should probably ask the group if they are OK with a spouse attending. I know if I was in a group like that, I’d be really uncomfortable if someone’s disapproving spouse showed up.

And before you go start making too many long term plans, just go in drab once to see if you even WANT to go back. You may find that this group isn’t for you.

[char GG]

And before you go start making too many long term plans, just go in drab once to see if you even WANT to go back. You may find that this group isn’t for you.

I think Micki_Finn's idea is great. Attending this function can go different ways. Like Micki said, the group may have a rule about spouses. Also, check to see how the others are dressed. If they are dressed in outfits that are more like fetish wear, that may hurt your own cause as far as your wife is concerned.

[Crissy 107]

I think it is a good idea to go by yourself in drab the first time. Check the lay of the land and like Micki said see if you want to go back. Just take this slow and think it all through and you will be ok. Good luck!

[abbiedrake]

So a little of that clarity.
The group welcomes guests, even accompaning newcomers like myself. No worries there.

Also it's a non-scene group, specifically not for hookups. So I'm anticipating a lack of outrageousness.

So far it's looking like I'll attend alone, in male mode, and see what's what.

Still need to broach the subject in the first instance however.

Oh and a sincere apology. I wrote in my op that I had no support network. That was a mistake. You ladies have been a constant source of support, advice, and fun in the few short months I've been here. Thank you.

[Crissy 107]

Abbie, I can’t wait to hear how you do, it sounds like you did your homework.

[abbiedrake]

Rader, you forget how small the UK is, when I said 'local' I meant across the river Mersey, 3 miles as the crow flies. I'd only need the room an hour or so either side of my engagement.
Pumped, I get what you're saying. Some in my position leave. And trust me when I say I've given only the barest outline. For instance, only a month ago she was diagnosed with breast cancer. So, yeah, I feel more than selfish in even thinking about carving out time for me, when she has no more of a life than me. Granted, she had more of one before we met than I've ever had, but still.
Puts a little spin on those multiple balls I'm currently juggling. Add in finances (don't ask), the massive repairs we're about to have done on our home, and my own health issues and it's a far load. In some ways though that's what makes me think I need to do something like this now. Being Abbie makes me a better man. My wife will reap more than she sows, I think, if she agrees.

Oh, but in other news, as part of my deliberations last night, I came out to an the second in command of a gamer group I founded 3 years ago. We've never met (yet), but, alongside you lot, he's the closest thing I have to an actual friend. It went well, as I expected tbh. He's a good man. I've found a few in those 3 years.
The best bit though was reminding him of a crude photo shop he did of my head on Frank N Furter's body to tease me once. 'If he only knew', I thought at the time. Well, a year later I got to remind him of it. I could hear the sheepish blush down the phone, I swear. 😁

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

Oops, almost forgot. Before I had a chance to tell my friend I wasn't gonna transition he asked if I was like a girl trapped in a man's body. I told him no, she's only sub-letting. 🤣

[Beverley Sims]

I think a wise choice for the first time, go in drab.

If you wish to take your wife the next time still do drab, later you may get a softening of opinion.

[Eemz]

OK Abbie, I want you to listen to your Auntie Eemz now. Her illness is not your fault and you're doing as much and more than anyone can. You need to care for yourself and your own mental health as well. You're not doing her any favours by doing otherwise.

> I feel more than selfish in even thinking about carving out time for me,
> when she has no more of a life than me

You need to have things in your life outside of caring for your wife. You're a separate person and, while your wife's problems can be the focus of your life, they can't be the only thing in it 100% of the time 24/7. You have a right to desires of your own. That's not selfishness, it's called being a separate and distinct human being.

Ask yourself - would you have similar trepidation if you wanted to talk to your wife about taking up scuba diving or golf and going away for hours at a time to do that, on a regular basis? And she wouldn't know where you were exactly, or who with. I think you would hesitate and feel guilty over that almost as much. And then add the guilt associated with the "stigma" of CDing on top and it's a heady mix.

> We have no friends only one another. But we are truly besties. We have to be, we're together 24/7.
> She'd have to know where I was, with whom, times etc.
> It would be a departure for me to do something alone.
> I have some qualms about that

> she made me take off my bangles for a hospital appointment of hers.
> No-one noticed or cared. But she did. Says it embarrasses her.
> OK, I get that but the compromises seem a lot one way right now.

> even typing just now that makes me feel guilty at my selfishness.

This last sentence is the clincher for me. What I hear there is you're feeling guilty for having any wants or desires of your own. That's not good.

Now, of course this is all strictly my opinion, based on the small amount of information supplied, with my personal bugbears mixed in. So take it with a grain of salt, but do consider the possibility as well.