Emotional whirlwind

[Danielle10]

Hello all,

Soo good news here the wife has told me I have something to look forward to on Saturday. Which is pretty much her list of what she will be ok with. Which I’m sure is gonna be pretty barren, but it’s super exciting. Especially when she said today it’s allot easier for her to process now so she can think allot clearer. I believe I e done a good job of staying cool and pretty much not bringing up anything about it unless she brought up a concern or question. It was hard let me tell you. But well worth it.

She also said she was gonna start going threw her cloths soon ( she is a hoarder of cloths) to revamp her style at which point I asked her to keep Danielle in mind which she responded already was. My my heart beat out my chest, felt good. She has randomly been calling me Danielle not much but in situations and man dose it feel good.

But at the same time all this excitement and good feelings I still am worried and scared.
I’m honestly scarred to dress in front of her. Even small bits. So I’m scarred one day she will say go get dressed Danielle and I’ll want to but I won’t because of being scared but then hurting her feelings somehow. I’ve come to realize most of my worries is her. Leaving looking down on me etc I just want her to accept me and know me. I think the guilt of holding all this in for so long has made me have a hard time accepting this myself which I’m still fighting.
One day I want absolutely nothing todo with dressing don’t care for it and feel as tho it’s in my past then the next I have a small urge to just paint my toes or wear high heels. Then the next day be fully into it and wanting to cruise the town.
Then add on top my bi couriouseness of it oh man all these emotions. I have come to accept this is apart of me but there are days that I just hate that I have these desires. But those are fewer and fewer and longer in between. Which feels great.

Dose anyone have any tips on how to control my urges ? I’m doing really well and been patient but I’m really wanting to dress, but I will not untill I have her word. And I don’t want to loose her trust . I know Saturday isn’t long but I’m preparing for a small list of things that are very little. Which is fine but I just don’t want to jeopardize my relationship for these urges.

Also how To even out these emotional whirlwinds. My heads racing and I feel I’m releasing so I will end it here

Thank all of you lovely people for being here and being supportive and sharing your stories and troubles,

[bridget thronton]

Remember you two love each other - and most things work workout over time

[Micki_Finn]

I think I may have missed some posts from you, but I was able to glean the situation.

You’ve held off so far, you just have a few days to go so hang in there.

Dressing in front of a significant other is SUPER SCARY for sure and I feel that nervousness from you. You also talk about the roller coaster of wanting to dress, then wanting nothing to do with it. My theory is that all these things are related for most CDs. Most of us don’t want to JUST be a woman. Most of us want to be a beautiful, attractive woman. When things go well and your making progress towards being that beautiful woman it makes you want to do more. Then at times you’ll look in the mirror and see all the places the boy shows through and it can be very disheartening which causes us to not want to dress anymore.

This relates to the SO issue because we may FEEL pretty dressed, we know deep down that there are all kinds of tells that give us away and instead of looking sexy, we feel we’ll look silly.


So as far as your SO goes, this sounds a bit cruel but it’s either going to work or it isn’t, so try to not stress too much. Just keep following her lead and remember all of this effects her too and you’re asking her to make a radical shift in her life.

My advice to you personally is to continue to take it slow. It’s a LONG journey from throwing on panties to being able to pass as a woman. Don’t get discouraged, but don’t get complacent either. There’s always new makeup techniques, or wig skills, or fashion sense to learn. Each one is a small step towards your ultimate goal of being able to look into the mirror and say “SHES A WOMAAAAAAN!” You’re never going to be a sexy, 20-something co-ed, but most women aren’t either. All you can do is be your most beautiful you.

[Beverley Sims]

Danielle,
You just have to be patient and everything will work out in the end.

Just don't push the issue otherwise you may push the reltionship over a cliff.

Read past experiences on this site.

[Macey]

She sounds pretty understanding, if you're worried about pushing things, just cool down and let her take the lead with whatever she wants to do while purging. Sometimes we build up scenarios and expectations in our heads and that leads to some kind of disappointment. No expectations, just 'be' in the moment.

[Danielle10]

Thank you for the responses much appreciated.

Bridget , yes I know in my heart it will work out and that’s where I keep my mind or at least try.

Beverly, I am fully aware I don’t need to push it and might push it over edge.

Macy yes I have full intention to let her do her thing while purging. And to be honest I do t plan on asking for a thing. That was just a comment I made to hear asking if she could and I actually worded it as such “ when going threw closet if your ok with/ want to could you keep Danielle in mind? If not that’s completely fine with me.
So I’m very careful to make her emotions ahead of mine.

Miki fin. Thank you very much, it’s the first time I feel like someone actually understands so again thank you. You are completely correct about wanting to be a beautiful attractive woman. And yes I’m scared of looking silly in front of her. And yes seeing the boy shine threw is disheartening. I completely understand it’s not cruel at all to say only truth. It will work or it won’t but what I’m scared of is in the middle of a emotional time I just go off rails and say something I don’t mean or something to that extent. I also relise greatly how much it has effected her and her life, that’s where it’s hard balancing the two my desires and her comfort ability which I know I’m at the beginning of a long bumpy journey with her. And the good thing is when I say I have the desire to dress yes I would love to be completely done up etc but I’m on the baby steps for her first off but also cause I know how easy it is to go off deep end. I also know this isn’t an over night thing. I don’t want to rush this for her sake but more so mine. And I also don’t really have expectations on how I will look, I’m kinda trying to just enjoy the ride persay.

All of your responses really helped allot. And thank you soo much. It’s great to know I’m not alone and that someone out there “gets it “ that was very much needed.

Thank y’all again soo much I hope each one of you have a wonderful day.

[Crissy 107]

Danielle, You have some very good advice already so not much for me to add except just take things slow. If you push too hard it can potentially ruin everything. There are so many posts here about that. Good luck!

[GretchenM]

Micki's discussion is a very good one. Glad to see you have fully taken her helpful offer to heart.

To be sure, this is a very difficult point. Many of us don't have mates like yours. She is interested and apparently wants to be helpful. Probably because she feels the needs that you have; she is empathetic. But she also wants to establish some boundaries and those boundaries are the big unknown for you and that can be scary. That appears to be driven by a fear of rejection; that is something that is especially powerful in most of us, but most also discover it is generally not warranted so long as we are not demanding of this or that. That creates defensiveness, stress, tension, and anger.

Relax a bit. She calls you Danielle sometimes. That is a sign of some degree of acceptance, but once again, the degree is getting to you and raising tension levels in you. She said in her sorting of clothes she is thinking of Danielle. Another sign of some degree of acceptance. So, look at it as some kind of event that you know is important but you don't know what will happen. That is OK and normal.

As for your variations in desire, that is also pretty common with those of us who are either searching for a comfort zone in our gender identity or those of us (like me) who are just variable in our desires. This behavior pattern associated with indefinite gender or mixed gender does not have a single goal. Each person will find what is right for them. But that requires some exploration of the many side paths. It can be a matter of trying different things until you come across something where you feel really comfortable. Unfortunately, there is no way to know where that place is until you step into it. I think it is apparent that you are not there yet and perhaps need to explore some. Your brain is trying all kinds of different things in an attempt to work things out and find the place where tension and stress is minimal. I went through that for several years. It is both nerve wracking and a whole lot of fun trying different things. Sometimes I would try something and I concluded, "Well, nuts, that didn't work very well." Laugh a little and move on to try something else.

Please keep us informed of what happens Saturday. In the meantime don't let the worry get to you. By your description I suspect, but don't know, that your wife is on your side. But she does want to set boundaries. And that is her right.

[Teresa]

Danilelle,
If you don't have some decent pictures of you dressed maybe it's a good idea to take some so when your wife asks to see Danilelle you can break the ice by showing a picture .

I understand your feelings , you haven't found your own balance yet , you don't know what the dressing really means to you and what you truthfully want from it . At least your wife is on board with you , try and not to go overboard with that otherwise you may scare her off , let her take it at her pace and try not to be too demanding .

[Amy Lynn3]

Danielle: Speaking to you only, I suggest a way to help with your fears of being dressed in front of your wife. She may give you permission Saturday to do whatever you like, but that will only add fear on top of your fear. Go slow for your sake. Maybe start with wearing ladies jeans around the house, while under dressed. When your comfort level has begun to rise add additional clothing, such as bra and blouse. Next put on a pair of flats. Keep doing those type things until the nerves settle and one day you can dress and look like you stepped right out of a Sears Catalog.

[Micki_Finn]

I understand your feelings , you haven't found your own balance yet , you don't know what the dressing really means to you and what you truthfully want from it . At least your wife is on board

This cuts right to the heart of why a lot of women have trouble coping with CD partners. It’s the not knowing if their BF/Hubby is going to decide they want to transition or whatever some day. You can reassure them all you want that you’re not going that far, but they know that’s a potential lie because you didn’t have to wear women’s clothes before either. Anyhow Danielle, it sounds like you’re on the right track in dealing with your SO. If you can, let us know how Saturday goes.

[JenniferR771]

Danielle, a man wearing a dress freaks people out for the first few moments. This is normal.
Try to get her to join up here--it helps to listen to look at the pictures and talk with other CDs without having to be personally involved in her own house. And talk with the gg wives in their special section. It is welcoming and very helpful.
After a few minutes or a few hours--the brain adjusts.
I was at a cd gathering in Saugatuck, Michigan last week. Dinner in drag at restaurants. Hanging out in the hotel bar. Not many women--wives, girls who liked the music and gay women. After, a minute or two they were comfortable. After all, we were just men wearing dresses. (And ridiculous high heels.)

[JulesLynne]

I can relate to everything you wrote! I came out to my wife about 2 years ago... initially roller coaster downhill... couples counseling helped us communicate and came uphill with a few bumps and my wife was OK with me occasionally wearing a dress/heels/hose in the house when the kids aren’t around. Summers are nearly impossible for me to dress (kids at home and job gets super busy with little time off), so it’s easy for me to not dress in the summer. But then fall/winter comes and I get those urges again and again. After not dressing for a few months, I found it hard for me to bring up the topic again. I eventually found a counselor for myself and that helped me tremendously. More ups and downs with my wife, but the trend was all positive but glacially slow. My counselor suggested that I (we?) attend Keystone so that I can explore my feminine side and try to determine exactly what extend of dressing I want/need.

Much to my surprise, my wife’s initial reaction was “sure - sounds good” and that she wanted to come and “make sure nobody steals your purse.” I wasn’t expecting this much interest from her and was thrilled at the idea of both of us going. But at this point in my life I’ve never done makeup and she’s never seen me in my wig and forms. Everyone to include my counselor said that I need to let my wife control the timing of my “unveiling.” The whole time, she never wanted to talk much about my dressing and she wasn’t all that interested in going to counseling with me. But one day she took me to a MAC store to get foundation color matched. Much to both of our surprise, we both had a blast and it wasn’t awkward or scary at all. A few days later she got me some makeup brushes. A week or so later she came home with some eyebrow pencils, and that trend continued for about a month or so. On one hand, I was thrilled that she was buying me presents, and we sort of became “BFFs” in the sense that we’d go shopping to stores like MAC, Ulta, and Sephora and genuinely have a good time with it. But she’d still never seen me dressed and Keystone was approaching. I was a nervous wreck inside! One day I told her that I wanted to stay home and practice my makeup while she went out. A while later, she returned and I was fully dressed from head to toe. I became quite nervous as she came upstairs and I even said “you can’t unsee what you’re about to see.” When she first saw me, she smiled, let out a chuckle, and said that I looked like one of her friends. Cute shoes! You bitch, where’d you get that sparkly Apple Watch band!?! She gave me a hug and I felt great. Keystone was a few days later and we had a blast.

Some lessons learned:
- Counseling was essential for me, but my wife wasn’t that interested. That’s OK.
- Counselor said that my wife would process this in her own way, and she’s just not that verbal about it. That was completely true and it forced me to pay more attention to her nonverbal cues. Tons of them that could easily be ignored if I wasn’t looking for them.
- Being open and talking is great, and there’s a ton to talk about, but on the other hand, it’s not fair to make crossdressing the focal point of your relationship.
- Let her control the timing and method of the reveal. Maybe she’d rather just see you as a man in a dress, or maybe just makeup with no clothing, or maybe she’d like to see the entire transformation process. Pics could be great or horrible depending on what she wants. One common theme from spouses is that a surprise head-to-toe reveal is generally not a good idea.
- Slow progress is still progress.
- For my wife, she was mainly concerned that I would come out as a transsexual and want a sex change. She wants, needs, and loves her husband. I think that Keystone was great for us because it allowed her to interact with CDs and TGs and understand that while we’re on the same gender spectrum, being a CD is not the same as being TG. I’m comfortable with my CD label and she no longer sees it as a threat.
- Balance is tough. I can’t allow this to be the focal point of our marriage even though it’s got to be a part of it.
- Acceptance is a spectrum and not binary. Acceptance can ebb and flow with time and that’s OK. Some days she loves hanging out with her BFF Jules and other days she only wants her husband. That’s perfectly normal and it’s OK for both of us to occasionally have a bad day.

Good luck!
Jules

[Danielle10]

Thank you for the reply, Jules

A lot to take In there, the best part was to hear your wife wasn’t verbal about much. That’s exacly how mine is even non cd related, so I’ve been worried about that. The problem I have at moment which I toataly think it’s the nerves and newness, is over analyzing her cues. Which I have discussed to her and she u dersrands that she did t talk much even tho she thinks she dose and that I can get into my head about it. So we have a understanding that if there’s anything like that we sit down and talk a bit nothing too serious but just to clear Misunderstandings. It has definitely helped.

The consulting thing I have been thinking that I will need to go just to have an outlet to express things that I shouldn’t with her, of corse not to hide anything but more so so I can say things and not worry about the delivery or feelings. And I do believe it would be the same as far as her not wanting to go which I’m fine with. But hearing it’s ok makes it better. To be honest I believe my wife will be how yours acted, as long as I can keep my cool and not blow it, with impatience. She loves me and that’s all she knows so I believe the love she has for me will help when we are in those down moments. It’s funny I’ve never really felt her love or even beloved her when she’d say “I wanted you and only you , I love you and nothing else” l I just knew we were suppose to be together “ and to be honest we do compliment each other pretty well and we both support each other. But anyway back to the point lol, I never felt her love or believe her when she said those things but since I’ve come out to her I can feel it I believe her I see it.
Your post was very helpful down to earth and hit home with me so thank you. I will definite be taking the lessons you learned and apply them to my own situation if applicable.

Thank you very much.

[Teresa]

Micki,
The trap not to fall into is making promises you can't keep , it's all too easy to say anything to appease a partner and live to regret it .