I want to find out sooner rather than later if I am trans

[Lindsay blonde locks]

I have no idea exactly what my gender identity is, but I know at least it is not 100% male. I could be non-binary, or I could be a very feminine man, but still comfortable with my masculinity.

But what I really need to know (and as I said, soon would be ideal) is if I'm MTF transgendered. I'm young, so if I decide I am, my hormone replacement therapy could be much more successful, and I already would consider myself "passable".

I have no fear for my parents', family's, or others close to me reaction, but more so a realization after I start HRT that this is NOT right for me. Irreversible changes like sterility scare me, as I very much want to have kids. I also don't think I could "pull the trigger" (so to speak) on HRT if I knew in the future, I would have much more difficulty finding a woman to love me. I already know how hard it is for all the CDers here with marriage.

I would not be presenting feminine all the time even on HRT; when I really think intensely about the subject, I imagine I'd be most happy as an androgynous person who dresses male or female depending on the mood. It's hard to say all this future stuff without trying it out first.

<b>NOTE: I already know I am never going to get SRS, only female hormones interest me.</b>

[Jodie_Lynn]

Find a gender therapist and discuss it with them. That is far better than relying on anecdotal data from the internet.
Good luck seeking your identity.

[Macey]

Jodie Lynn has the best advice here, go talk to a therapist!

As for HRT, very likely you would be infertile when on it, but unknown what the long term effects might be on fertility. As for the other changes, most are reversible when you go off of it, except breast growth. Also, you mention that you are young, if you are under 25, it may permanently affect your pelvic bones.

I agree with you that gender identity is a spectrum, but from what you are saying it sounds like you like your masculinity as well as your femininity. I am not sure hrt would be right for you, but certainly be cautious about advice given from some random kook on the interwebs like me!

[Lindsay blonde locks]

Jodie-
That's exactly what I plan on doing this September. Its expense will probably even be covered by my college

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

Thanks for the info, Macey! Once I talk to the gender therapist, I'll ask whether periodically going on HRT, not always through the rest of my life, will be enough for that undesired effect to set in. I would love to have at least a whole photography session of me on HRT for a few months, with the best makeup imaginable, before my youth is gone and I can't pass anymore. Then I could look back when I'm older, and not feel regretful.

[IleneD]

Lindsay,

Dear, my heart goes out to you. I have walked the miles and decades in your heels (so to speak).
First, I just turned 67. I have been wrestling with "this" all my life. I was a child of the 50s and 60s, so understand the times and culture were entirely different then. Anything that smacked of femininity in men was labeled "gay"... and not stated in such a kind term. More like the F word or Q word to cover it all.
Growing up I knew I wasn't like "other boys". Different interests. Bookish, geek-ish. Effeminate as a boy and adolescent. Even my family (mean Uncles) mocked me as a "fag". I didn't experiment with dressing until late in high school and on to college; and even then it wasn't prolific.

I thought for the longest time I was a gay man [as people were telling me]. In my misspent youth I experimented with a few gay experiences, but I never really fit in or closely identified with the population.
Through this all and all during my lifetime, I lived in shame, guilt and denial. I entered "manly" professions;. almost as a means of "proving my manhood" and actually hiding out among The Men. I coached high school sports for a few years and then entered the military. By the time I entered the Navy I had married a (beautiful) woman whom I still love, and had children, TRYING TO BE A NORMAL GUY. (BTW, no regrets. I prospered and profited by those decisions to try to be normal).

Yet during the 3 decades I served, the "feelings" crept back despite the denial. I wore women's articles under my uniform; even under my flight suit. Very risky stuff, but there was a compulsion driving my feelings of femininity that was always present no matter how much I wished it away.

The reason I share this long story of denial, shame and guilt is because it is TERRIBLY DESTRUCTIVE. The self-loathing alone can kill a mortal human being. After coming-out and coming to grips with my dysphoria (thank God for the modern awareness of TG we enjoy today), I can look back at my motivations, thoughts and feelings and put them into perspective. I understand it now. But the Denial hurts your soul down deep. I knew I was being dishonest with myself and those around me. It is corrosive.

Whatever you do, or however you identify, do something affirmative now while you're healthy, young and can absorb the changes. Get on with your life path, and don't lie to yourself. If you don't fully comprehend or understand what's churning inside you, seek the help of a professional. I thank God every day for my therapist, and the help she's provided in getting me in touch with myself.

This is never easy. It doesn't get easier with age. Just read the forum narratives of those who came out late in life, and you'll understand the importance of getting an understanding of what is in your gender. I'd say you are BLESSED to be your age and at this time. There are so many resources, information and supporting groups that lend a hand and provide sound advice. There's the internet as an educational and informational resource. I never had such a thing to inform me when I was a kid. You have found one of the VERY BEST FORUMS in this Crossdressers. com site. My sisters here are informed, mature and wise.

Peace. Hugs. Be of good heart. There's nothing broken or wrong with you..... but there COULD be if you don't adequately address your dysphoria while you're young.

[Aunt Kelly]

<b>NOTE: I already know I am never going to get SRS, only female hormones interest me.</b>

For someone who's not at all clear about one's gender identity, you seem rather certain about what direction you might take. What, specifically, is it that you hope to gain through HRT?

Before you do anything else, consult with a therapist who has training and experience in dealing with transgender issues.

[Beverley Sims]

I suggest a gender therapist who will advise you of the best course to take.

If you want to have children in a heterosexual marriage, hormones would be a no no.

[Ressie]

If you were truly trans you'd know it. Experimenting with HRT seems foolish and unnecessary from what you've said so far. You can achieve the look you desire with makeup and maybe some breast forms and padding.

[kimdl93]

I echo the merits of therapy. But instead of seeking to define yourself, why not just allow yourself the time and opportunity to discover yourself. What's the rush? Many of us spend a lifetime unsure because the answer itself is ambiguous.

[GretchenM]

Although the descriptions and "symptoms" you describe are far from being able to decipher what you are, it looks to me a bit more like non-binary than fully MTF. But, as others have suggested, seeing a gender therapist would be very helpful. They will help you to figure out this in a much more definitive way than anybody here could do. I began going to a therapist at 67 and I echo everything that Ilene has said about this behavior pattern. Ilene and I are much alike in our history, but rather different in others ways. For me it was a combination of therapy and a support group that eventually allowed me to find my own comfort zone which is a variety of non-binary. Ilene is a bit more like MTF at this time. So, similar history does not necessary produce the same results. What you have referred to as "androgynous" which is more properly called "psychological androgyny" so as to avoid confusion with biological androgyny which is extremely rare. It is what I first decided what I was, but then I went searching to see if something fit better. Nothing did and so I am back to basically where I was in 2012, but with a lot of experience and now am very comfortable with almost never experiencing dysphoria of any significant degree anymore. It is that place where you are most comfortable that a therapist can help you find.

Please keep in mind that term transgender represents an extremely diverse group of people that share a very roughly similar variation in gender identity. One can classify us in a multitude of ways, but two things are always true. First, the boundaries between the classification "units" are vague at best and some of us tend to bounce around between the behavior patterns. Second, it is extremely rare that the behavior pattern goes away. It may take short "vacations" or be gone for years when suddenly the She if born male or He if born female reappears right in the middle of our consciousness and sense of self. That is why therapy is often very helpful; it teaches you the skills to deal with whatever happens, to know something about what is genuine and what might not be, and helps you to find, using your own thinking, who you are now and what options are possibly most useful. Therapy doesn't instruct you what to do; it educates you to understand yourself better and be able to apply a batch of skills that are useful in most any situation.

[BrendaPDX]

Like others here, don't do anything that can't be reversed until you have worked with a therapist. Good luck, I can only imagine your confusion. Take care.

[Tracii G]

Therapy seems to be the answer to everything these days.
I never had the luxury to afford therapy I had to work it all out on my own. Now at 66 I can afford most anything I want and therapy seems a waste of money.
Lindsay you seem to be putting the cart before the horse or getting ahead of yourself so to speak.
You are trying to make decisions before knowing all the facts.Pretty common for CDers to do that.
I'll save you therapy costs and say to me it sounds like you are a crossdresser and not trans at all.
Essentially you want to look like a girl sometimes but like being a male so there is nothing to stop you from doing that. You don't have to go thru HRT and SRS because you aren't trans.
Breast forms and hips pads would serve you well like it does most CDers on this site.
You are young and trying to figure all this out so there is confusion and you want answers right now but it could take a lifetime to figure it all out.
So to me and this is just my opinion so don't get all mad if you don't like it but it sounds like you are a CDer and not trans.
Trans as of this moment seems to be a huge fad among young people because they have a desire to be "different".
I did that in the 60's being a hippie and in the 70s and 80s doing other things as part of an "outsider"type group.
Funny thing is I was yearning to be "different" so I joined groups where everyone was the same.........Yes sounds kinda stupid when you think about it right?
Again I think you are straight and a crossdresser and not transgender and that is just fine so that makes you part of the majority of the people on this site.

[Ressie]

Trans as of this moment seems to be a huge fad among young people

I'm glad you said it Tracii as I was thinking this too. It really is a fad now days which probably makes it confusing for many young adults. Makes me think of Barbara Mandrell singing, "I was Country when Country wasn't Cool". For those that were TS before it was cool, there was no reason other than knowing it from within.

[Robertacd]

Hmm... I have to agree with Tracii (She is such a better communicator than I am. I usually wait for her to respond because we're often thinking the same thing.)

I knew the answer to the "Am I transgender?" question by the time I was 14 there was no "need to find out".

My point is that only you know what is in your heart. Be completely honest with yourself and you will be able to make the right decision.

[docrobbysherry]

Lindsey, of course, don't do anything before consulting that therapist. But-------------

As u r young u CAN be certain of this: Whatever u think u want now will likely change in 10 years! And then again, 10 years after that!

When I began dressing out of the blue in my 50's I was certain I had turned gay. Because all I could think about was becoming a female and being with a man! The man part of my fantasy disappeared within a few years. But, it took 10 years to realize I'm not trans. Simply a crossdresser!

Now, I'm quite content to occasionally appear a female and no desire to become one!

[Lara A]

I have those moments too sometimes when I think to myself "God, wouldn't it be so easy to not have to go thru the hard work of transforming and just wake up as Lara"! There are so many conflicting emotions at work in this journey, and I totally get some of the stuff you are going thru. Therapy can be good, but be wary of the 'wrong' therapist. I had one who was less than helpful to me some years ago. Not everyone is really qualified to help in these matters, and that is subject of a further discussion perhaps.

As others have pointed out, you have the 'benefit' of youth, but this can also be a double-edged sword, since usually only with age and experience comes wisdom. Rarely does someone in their youth exhibit that wisdom, and is seldom able to make the 'right' decision! A definite Catch 22!

You can take all advice from wherever, but only you know what feels good at any given time. Like many others, with the benefit of hindsight, I most likely would have chosen a different path in my life, but I did not because that did not feel right at the time: there were reasons for what I did and how I did it, but there is no sense in bemoaning what might have been! Then we forget the great stuff that did happen

Life would have been rather dull if we made all the decisions that seem good with hindsight at the time we were at! Does that make sense? It does to me Follow your heart.

...Oh! And freeze some sperm, just in case

[karoliina_j]

I'm in a similar spot. I know what I feel, and it feels like I'm more than just interested in cross-dressing. The advice to go to a therapist is very sound, and something I am looking into doing for myself. Best of luck to you!!

[Tracii G]

Sherry makes a great point when you are young you want everything now and just can't wait everything is a crisis it seems. At least my 2 daughters were like that.
What I thought I wanted at 19 was vastly different when I hit 23. What I wanted at 19 seemed silly and childish and frankly pretty stupid because I hadn't thought things thru very well.
When I hit 27 none of that stuff mattered because my life had changed dramatically.Its called growing up and we all go thru it.
I noticed in my trans group that some young members seemed to not even know why they were in the group.
One said she joined because her best friend said she was trans.Talk about doing things just because your best friend does it.LOL
Lastly if you are not sure IF you are trans then most likely you aren't because if you were you would know it.
There is no guessing you do know it.

[Devi SM]

It's really hard if not impossible to give directions a out what to do for any here.
In my case I was a crossdresser, bisexual and was sure about it so my opinions came always from that perspective but not going into details why, now I'm a trasgender woman that felt really lost before HRT so now my opinions could come from this perspective, so don't make uninformed decisions because in my case, as well Llene said, I lost so much precious time, so go to therapy, if you can't afford it, look for groups support online, there are tons of resources and even you can find a therapist that can help.you for free.
My therapist is trasgender too and did therapies for free at the beginning of his career, when he had time, now is super busy so don't waste your time and look for help.
There's so much wisdom in this place but just with a gender therapist you'll have the tools and resources to make an informed desicion.

Good luck,

Debbie

[Shayla]

To those that are saying being trans is a fad, you may consider it is just being openly spoken about now where it did not used to be. No one is struggling with feeling dysphoric due to wanting to be cool.

The only thing I would advise you of Lindsay, other than the therapist which you seem to be on board with, is take your time. No need to decide in the next few months.

[Micki_Finn]

I'm glad you said it Tracii as I was thinking this too. It really is a fad now days which probably makes it confusing for many young adults. Makes me think of Barbara Mandrell singing, "I was Country when Country wasn't Cool". For those that were TS before it was cool, there was no reason other than knowing it from within.

Just because they are more visible now does NOT mean it’s a fad. Just like the gay community became MORE VISIBLE not BIGGER after the gay rights movement. It doesn’t mean gay became a “fad”. By referring to it as such you are demeaning trans people.

[Rhonda Jean]

I echo the merits of therapy. But instead of seeking to define yourself, why not just allow yourself the time and opportunity to discover yourself. What's the rush? Many of us spend a lifetime unsure because the answer itself is ambiguous.

Kim beat me to it. Rather than follow a road map, enjoy being without one! I'd say if there are things you want to do, make darn sure you do them, particularly since you seem to have a lot of freedom. Enjoy it! If you want to grow your hair down to your waist, do it! Pierce your ears, polish your nails, shave your legs, date a man... Do it while you're young or you will most definitely regret it. Experiment, and if something clicks, go with that.

[Ressie]

No, not demeaning actual trans people. But I believe there are wannabes.

Gender dysphoria, a condition described as “strong, persistent feelings of identification with the opposite gender and discomfort with one's own assigned sex,” is quite common in young people today.
The causes of gender dysphoria are “complex” and “not fully clear.” While many medical sites say gender dysphoria is caused by hormonal imbalances, some scholars believe the rise in gender fluidity is primarily a cultural phenomenon.
“I think it’s become a fashion,” Camille Paglia said during a recent public interview. “The transgender definition has become a convenient label for young people who may simply feel alienated culturally for other reasons.”

https://www.intellectualtakeout.org/...-dysphoria-fad

[Tracii G]

I have seen it so much with the younger people so I am not talking out of my backside.
Sure trans issues are being more talked about but that has nothing to do with kids saying they are trans just to be accepted by trans people because trans kids are in some way cooler because they are different.
Plenty of them dress to shock others and will do just about anything to push things in peoples faces just for the attention.
I have worked with trans kids so I have seen plenty of it and yes I have had some call me a year later saying they aren't trans anymore and don't need anyone to talk to anymore.
Many never had dysphoria of any kind they just did it to be "cool and different".
So to me that sure lookes the way that fads work.
Kids do things because other kids do it and thats always the way it has been.

[LeslieSD]

Lindsay, I agree with you. I am almost in the same situation just like yours, except that I am older and wished I could ask those questions when I was younger. It was a different time for me. To the ladies here, I think Lindsay is asking an important question about her life. It is not about labels. It is about how you lead your life.

The psychologists can not help too much. They do not give you answer, but they ask questions that might help you thinking. Ultimately I think the only way to figure out is to live as a women for a period of time. This is "trial" period should not be just a get-away vacation. You really need to live it (work, make friends, do grocery, and everyday living) as a woman. That's what I believed would give you a real answer. But unfortunately for me, it is out of reach (because I am already married).

So it is important that you asked this question when you are still young. You need to try it. Please keep us updated on your progress.