The feeling that you need to tell someone

[Victoria_R]

Hello I am new here. My question is do you ever have a feeling inside of you that you just want to come out and tell someone that you are a crossdresser? Like a family member or a friend just to get it off your chest or mind. For me my wife is the only person that's knows about me crossdressing but I feel like I want to tell someone in my family in hopes they will except it. Maybe this is a coming out of the closet and I want to tell my family but I know they will not except it. I don't know does anyone else have that feeling. Should I say anything to anyone that I may feel like they are open minded or keep it just between my wife and I?

[phili]

Hi Victoria,
Many if not all of us have shared that feeling of wanting to tell someone, in the hope that they will confirm our inner hope, belief, or even firm understanding that our desires are harmless, positive for us, and can be accepted and supported by those we love, rather than be an occasion for conflict or ridicule or offense.

One simple way to avoid giving someone too much information is to find an occasion to talk about gender nonconformity in a positive way- something in the news, for example, and do it casually, without an edge in your voice but indicating you have a soft spot for the person! See if your listener agrees or gets tense. Since we have skin in the game it seems a little like we would be lying not to go further, but it is just a reality that a lot of people have a lot of misgivings about crossdressing. It is often from ignorance- but also because it challenges some deeply held beliefs, and often beliefs that underly their defense of a fragile sense of their own safety and place in society as a man or woman. So they react without knowing even what is driving them!

That said, there are people who are supportive passively, or actively, and the problem for the crossdresser becomes more about the feelings of those who compose your family and social and career support network. It is draining to have to worry about all this, but we do- unless you and your wife are willing to just come out and claim your right to exist, and let the chips fall as they may.

[Debs]

Yes you do, but be careful, it may come back to bite you, but is telling someone an outlet, I eventually told someone knowing it would spread like wildfire through the community, it's was a firm of outing, so think carefully who you tell, depending on what your outcome you want

[Aunt Kelly]

Consider carefully, Victoria. Then consider some more. Coming out "is a bell that can't be un-rung". You seem to have a good feel for how family will react, so that should weigh heavily in your consideration. I would recommend telling someone whom you know to be accepting/supportive. You may also want to consider counseling.

[GloriaChan]

Welcome to the forum! I am new as well

Maybe this is a coming out of the closet and I want to tell my family but I know they will not except it

Are you sure they wont accept it? Is it a taboo or openly rejected topic? If I knew that my family would reject me or distance themselves, I would have a lot of trouble telling them. Maybe come out to some friends that you know are more accepting first. I understand that, for some in more conservative communities, finding close relationships that are more accepting to crossdressing is a bit difficult, but then there is the internet

All that said, I havent come out to my family and I would do it but to be honest I am still affraid to own it and "let the chips fall as they may" as phili says...

[Rochal Tukque]

Hi Victoria, I have wanted to come out so many times I could bust! People seem to be able to get over a lot of things. But trans and CD are REAL hot button issues. Most marriages don't survive it and families need to be protected from the anguish of their society programming. So tread softly. Your here anyway so scream to the world we're all listening. Hugs

[docrobbysherry]

Once u tell someone? Unless u plan on coming out, u r burdening them to KEEP YOUR SECRET!
Why do that?

I'm a CD, not TS. So, I tell people on a "need to know" basis. I've only told my immediate family. Because they would have found out anyway!

[Patience]

I felt a whole lot better when I shared what back then was my great secret with a friend. Since then, I've come out to many more people I know, and in some instances, it has improved my popularity, not that I care about these things, mind.

It also doesn't hurt that I live in an area with a strong LGBTQ presence. If you're lucky to have a similar situation where you live, by all means. If not, pick your friends and your moments carefully.

[ReneeTD]

I control the urge. Yes, it is a strong inclination, but I have to judge maturity and "need to know". I've told less than a half dozen, carefully considered people, and even at that have lost some control of the discretion factor. I'm aware of at least two others that have been told of me that I did not choose.

There are lots of folks that I would "want" to tell, but dare not. It would be like handing a toddler a loaded handgun. They'll hurt themselves or others.

[Jodi Yardley]

hi all..I recently told an old HS girlfriend that I still keep in touch with, she lives several hours away. I don't think there would be any problems or issues or I wouldn't have said anything. She has been supportive, sends me pictures and sale ads of things she thinks I would like. She emails me using my female name and treats me like a girlfriend, I am hoping someday soon we are able to get together for coffee and just talk about things.

[Helen_Highwater]

Victoria,

Have you discussed this with your wife? This is something that may well impact upon her as well. If there is reticence for acceptance within the family then issues can rebound upon your wife and lead her into conflict with family members.

It's natural for us to want to share, that's why so many of us seek out support/social groups. It gives us the opportunity to talk to kindred spirits, to others who can have empathy with the situation we're in.

Can I ask, are you a stay at home or out and about dressed person? If the latter then you always run the risk of being seen anyway.

[Macey]

This is something that is SUCH a 'case by case' basis! If you never plan on going out or going public with your CDing, you may want to keep a lid on it. You can always confide in folks here if you're looking for someone to share the experiences with, or perhaps see if there is another CDer in your area that might like to chat. Or even a local support group.

If, your motivation is that you're feeling your feminine side and want to be able to express that openly with some of your existing close friends and family, you may have to cherry pick that very carefully, and there is always a risk.

[abbiedrake]

Yeah, I get this. Indeed, recently I asked this forum about a conundrum I had.
I wasn't dissatisfied with the answers but at the time I need another human voice. So I called a game buddy of mine. We've never met but we get on well. We've known each other 3 years. We talk on the phone from time to time. Well in the course of a chat about my generally dire circumstances I mentioned another quandary that wasn't easing the load but might. An upcoming LGBT social, which more or less necessitated my telling him I'm a CD. He's a good mate, and proved it.
Now my point is two-fold. One, yes it can be an unburdening, though you might find you don't want to stop with that one person. The second is one that's already been made. It needs to be someone you trust, whose reaction will be somewhere in line with what you're going for. In my case, it helps that my mate is an EMT in Central London so there's nothing he hasn't seen.
Choose wisely, Victoria.
A

[GretchenM]

Welcome to the forum. You will have lots of support and a good deal of fun conversing with so many people like you. This is a great place and you will learn a lot.

As others have said, be very careful with the big reveal. It can really backfire if you do not carefully consider who you tell and how you tell them. The desire to reveal the truth about yourself is a powerful emotion and an important one, but it can become irrational very easily and result in very bad choices and consequences. I think revealing to very trusting family members is healthy, but keep in mind that if it is a confidential reveal to just them you are also entrusting them with a secret that might become a problem for them. Phili has a great suggestion - put out some feelers. Trans issues are in the news these days a lot and that provides an opportunity to check out who favors our right and who thinks we are goof balls. That is an important step in the process.

But, in my opinion, the most important person to have on your side is your wife. She is obviously supportive, but is she supportive of you coming out? Those are very different questions. Please discuss it thoroughly with her and make a plan as to how to do this. Her thoughts and opinions matter a great deal and if you do not have her support I think it might be best to just let it go for now. The circumstances that make it feasible may change. It is a hard decision.

I did it wrong and in some respects it turned out disastrous, but since then I have recovered from that and relationships are more normal, but some are still offended by the thought of me being "one of those." I wasn't careful about who I told and I didn't have a plan with my wife. We are still happily married (50 years), but it isn't quite as good as before.

[Tracii G]

Its up to you because you know your family better than we do.
If you tell one person the word will spread and fairly soon many will know.
I told one GG friend and I lost her sister and approx 30 old friends we shared.
It was not a wise thing for me to do and I suffered for it but it was my fault so choose wisely.
Don't get upset if people don't accept you because in the end they don't have to.
Think about how it will affect your work environment as well.
You let the word out you can't take it back.
Remember this in not all about you because your wife needs to be considered in the equation.
How is she going to feel about the world knowing her man wears womens clothes? Or that her man is a very feminine man?
Remember a lot of the general population think CDers are gay and sexual deviants so how would she feel that people would feel that way about you and her for being married to you?
There are a lot of things to consider is what I am saying.
Is it right for you to burden someone else with your secret?
Perhaps thats being very selfish of you to do so because maybe they don't want to know.

[Meghan4now]

As others have mentioned, reality of disclosure certainly has consequences. But to answer the question, yes, I have a burning desire to discuss Meghan with people I know. It's only natural to feel this way. It is something your passionate about, maybe proud of your ability to navigate. We like to discuss things we are invested in with friends and family.

The fact that this type of activity or feelings or existence is so poorly accepted that we feel the need to hide is the worst part. Just think how much simpler life would be if you could be open? So you have my sympathy. But your reality is just that. Your lucky to be able to discuss with your wife. Revel in that, and don't take her for granted. It probably takes courage and patience on her part to be your ally.

[Victoria_R]

Well my wife asked me at some points in time I should tell my aunt and she thinks she will be ok with it because she is a open minded and feels she will be fine with it. Also I am a stay at home dressed. My wife is supportive but as long it's at home. But wearing panties when we go out from home she is ok with and I respect her feelings too.

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Thank you everyone for the advice and I agree with you all. I do worry about if I did say anything what will be the backlash and I don't want to put my wife in a bad situation if things when bad. I have moments where I just want to talk to someone about my crossdressing face to face without being judged. I am thankful for my wife but sometimes feel guilty talking to her about it and I don't know why.

[BTWimRobin]

Hi Victoria,

Welcome to our little community!!!

Like you I am in a similar situation and need to come out someone about my feminine side. After reading through all the responses, I see you have some very good pros and cons to coming out. It is up to you to weigh them and decide for yourself. Remember once the Jeanie is out of out of the bottle she is out.

My feminine side is my deepest secret. Except for all the wonderful, supportive people here, I am very uncomfortable talking about it. I am fortunate to live and work in a part of the country that is a little more open-minded. Still I would not come out to anyone other than my wife (which I need to). Social media abounds and it doesn't take long before the whole world knows your business even if it is not passed along intentional.

I hope you can come to terms with this and find peace.

[karoliina_j]

I've told a couple of close friends and I have their support as I try to figure out if I'm a crossdresser or if my feminine side is even stronger than that. My significant other knows I wear women's underwear. I have not told her yet the other feelings I have been having about my desires to become more feminine more often. But, I do understand the urge to tell someone. It's strong and grows stronger every day.

[Beverley Sims]

I feel that you only tell someone if they need to know.

Otherwise keep it private and only be out to strangers who don't really care.

[Teresa]

Victoria,
My counsellor was astounded how I lived with the suppression for so long , to me it was like a cork in a bottle, at some point I knew something needed to happen . While others advise being careful who you tell sometimes you feel your mind is going to explode if you don't tell someone . Looking back I feel my GP was the most sensible solution , why we fear telling them I fail to see now , they can only help if they know , they are professionals and while they may not fully understand at least the may refer you to counselling to talk it over .

To tell a wife or partner needs careful planning , I decided to write it all down , it not only helped explain it to me but also offered a clearer picture , to blurt it out unprepared and then shrug your shouders with a series of don't knows isn't the right way . I have to admit I cried like I'd never before or since , it felt like a millstone lifted off my shoulders , sadly in my case the relief was short lived as I entered the DADT wall of silence after a couple of weeks , it felt like I had been put in solitary confinement , I had no where to go and no one to talk to . I felt so rejected and unloved I came close to ending my life .

So we do have to weigh up very carefully how and we do tell all but the bottom line is we cannot live with the issue indefinitely , it's mentally destructive . We have to shake off the male straightjacket and accept part of us is female , it is a very strong driving force , and it will never go away .

I found the more people that know the easier it becomes , the big hurdle to get over is living with it , once you can come to terms with it others will start to believe in you and the ones that don't have to be find ways to work round them . We are doing nothing wrong , we're not breaking any laws ( anymore !) it is a trait we have to come to terms with and we can't even begin until we are allowed to open up and admit what is inside us .

[Stephanie47]

I thought about this issue a very long time ago. My wife knows I wear women's clothing in her absence. We are in a very deep "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" marriage. Her choice. Not my choice. I had this deep angst for a long time that I needed her approval. I probably exerted too much effort trying to get her to accept Stephanie into her life. I had no desire to wear women's clothing around her. All I would have liked was for to buy me panties for my birthday. I came to realize my desire for her to buy me some women's attire was nothing more than me seeking some sort of self validation. I also came to the conclusion my efforts for self validation were coming at a cost of trying to invalidate her values or relationship with the person she married. As she said, if she wanted to be married to a woman, she would have married a woman. Or back then lived with a woman since same sex marriage was not available when we went through this stage of DADT.

So, is it worth losing relationships with those who you tell? And, remember a secret is best kept with only one person; yourself. You're doing this for your self validation? It is also possible you may end up destroying any social or family relationships for your wife. I came to the conclusion I did not need the approval of others to valid myself. I also came to the conclusion there was no necessity for me to tell anyone because I had and have no intentions of expressing Stephanie to other casual acquaintances or family members. So, if you tell someone you like/need to wear women's clothing what comes next? Going to appear en femme at the family BBQ?

[Micki_Finn]

This is very common. It’s not just about telling someone. Deep down it’s about wanting to be seen and accepted for who you are. The only advice I can offer is to make wise decisions about who you come out to. If your family won’t be accepting, then find people who will accept you. You aren’t just born into a family. You can choose your family.

[Teresa]

Stephanie,
It's an interesting point about the loss of close friends . I found it mostly a false assumption .

I came out to mutual close friends on more than one occasion , my wife was devastated , she said she could never face those people again , once the dust had settled neither of us had lost them as close friends but I learned an important lesson , you can't always trust even close friends .

There is another side of coming out to people and I'm going to add this has happened on numerous occasions . I came out to my painting class by painting myself as Teresa into one of my paintings . In the converstaion that followed with my class tutor came out to me about being bi-sexual , I could see how much it helped him , we have a really good relationship now . So many people have also told me about close family or friends who are TG , they also needed to open up to someone so we aren't alone with the desire to talk . The obvious benifit to me is I achieve a better accpetance from people and I don't feel isolated with my own situation .

On the question of validation , I did pose the question to my gender counsellor that I was only using her for validation , she was too professional to fall for that one but still appreciated the point .

[Tracii G]

The other option is to join a local support group for CDers and trans people.
That way you can meet other CDers and start a friendship based on CDing alone.
That would give you someone to talk with about how you feel and whats important to you.
I joined one for that very reason and I have made some great friends over the years.
I don't go to meetings any more but I do still talk and go out with some of my CD friends occasionally.