It has been a long and tough road that I have walked these past several years. I joined this site back in college when my dysphoria was very strong and I was seriously contemplating transition. I stuffed it down in order to go on a study abroad trip. It would resurface from time to time again and again and I always felt like I had an answer for it: finish your degree, take that fellowship to go teach abroad, reconvert and dedicate yourself to Christianity, find a girlfriend, obtain grater financial security, etc.

Yet here we are. The same watershed moment that brought me back here in 2017 ringing in me, it's happening much more frequently. I'll see women and I'll think "I want that look, I want that shape, I want that life. I don't just want to look like her I want to be her." It feels real. It feels like so much more than clothes for me. I don't feel like I'm just playing some dress up game. I can still hide in my male life well enough. Pronoun discomfort hasn't hit me yet, I don't hate being male with every fiber of my being, I don't even really hate it at all, but I just know that I want to be a woman. Why? I don't know. I just do. I can't pinpoint a specific reason it's just something that keeps ringing in my head.When I imagine myself as a woman, the person I see is more confident, sure of herself, has a more positive self-image, and I just feel like I would be more comfortable interacting socially as a woman. I don't feel terrible social anxiety right now, and I know I would be a massive tomboy and pretty masculine for a woman, but my mind keeps coming back to wanting to be a woman at least socially.

I am a person who constantly sacrifices for others, and how my family and my girlfriend would react to any serious attempts to transition is something that constantly weighs very heavily on me. I constantly keep finding other hills to fight this battle on, and for awhile it succeeds. When I became super religious I felt very comfortable as a man. I am still wrestling with this spiritually, feeling like if I was meant to be a woman God would have made me one. Maybe these feelings are all a part of His plan for me... Like I'm supposed to use my feminine nature to be a better husband and father because I will understand my future wife better. Or I want to be a woman because I have a poor self-image and feel like a failure and want to be somebody else and transition feels like the only way to do that. For awhile that made sense to me--until very recently in fact--but after this most recent bout I just wonder why I keep doing this to myself.

Is my dysphoria really just a mild case that has gotten worse through all of this repression? Then why the change in my feelings and perceptions? Why do I notice distinct breaks where I criticize men as though I have no association or connection with them (This has happened to me at least three times in the past two years or so and it feels very significant to me.) Why is it that whenever I start to contemplate transitioning and increasing my feminine expression only then I feel like losing weight and only then do I care about what goes into my body and my health?

Is my disregard for my weight and appearance a symptom of serious Gender Dysphoria or just more proof that this is all physical\sexual for me? I don't imagine going out very often to attract the attention of other people, I just want to live my life and be me. Do normal things but do them as a woman. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about the sexual components of this but I believe very strongly that that is not at the root of all of this. I think that I am finally coming to terms with myself and that I am finally letting Brianna come out and live.

I told my mom today (I'm still living with my parents in order to save money but I hope to move soon hopefully with my girlfriend who knows about my gender identity issues but I'm not sure how supportive she will be and how far she'll let me explore it but I love her very much and really don't want to lose her. This was always a tough step because she would always get upset and anxious that I was "killing her son" but she said today "I think this is something you really need to explore. You keep putting it off for other people but this is clearly a big thing for you. I'd still rather that you remain my son but you're a good person and you'll always be my child. I love you." It sounds like I at least have her support and that she'll help me and let me explore this. She did tell me that first thing's first that we need to work on the weight issue and I agreed. I am just grateful that this talk with my mom went well I was a little afraid to tell her that my dysphoria had resurfaced but I feel so much better now that I have. I really needed to tell someone. I feel like I can relax and be more productive at work for a little while which is better than I've felt for the past week or two.