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Thread: It finally happened

  1. #1
    Member Julie Martin's Avatar
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    It finally happened

    So..after 50 years of occasional crossdressing, including 30 years with my ex-wife..I finally slipped up and was discovered by my SO. I imagined that if this ever happened, I would lose everything and not want to live..but I kept taking the risk (about once a year) anyway, despite my general disgust for my habit, which I've always viewed as an affliction, and hoped to take to my grave as my only secret.

    I was mortified to learn that she now knew(she found pics on my phone I had forgotten to delete): shame, embarrassment, anguish, regret, all washed over me..I fully expected to lose everything..but so far I'm shocked to learn that she feels that it does not affect our lives (I told her everything)..she was empathetic, and said that besides my keeping it from her(I was afraid to lose her over this), what bothered her the most is that I have had to bear this burden alone for my whole life..I've never told a soul. This was 4 days ago. Unless she has a sudden reversal..she said she is glad that the reveal is behind us, and that things will be better than ever. I told her truthfully that I have always hated this about myself, have never wanted or needed acceptance, only did it about once a year, and saw the fact that she knows (I hate the thought that she saw those pictures of me..and hope they fade from her memory)as remewed motivation to finally bury Julie for good. I know the percentages..I have gone up to 4 years without dressing, and not missed it..but it has always come back. So I expect the urge will return (I have none now)..but..I am determined to resist when it does..so although I may visit here from time to time to help process things..I sincerely hope that the photos I just posted of my last outing are just that..my last.

    I wish you all the best on whatever path your journey leads you.

  2. #2
    Yeah Ok like whatever Tracii G's Avatar
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    Please keep in touch and let us all know how you are doing OK?
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  3. #3
    Silver Member Elizabeth G's Avatar
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    I'm glad it's going as well as it is for you. I too was discovered about two and a half years ago and it wasn't nearly so smooth. I wish you the best of luck.
    It's just the clothes... isn't it?

  4. #4
    Gold Member Rachael Leigh's Avatar
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    Julie, I’m glad that she took it so well, but really there should be no shame for this. I’ve dealt with this side of me many years as have others and I feel I will never understand it but it just is it’s something we just deal with. As you say it likely
    won’t ever go away. I wish you well with your SO

  5. #5
    Senior Member Majella St Gerard's Avatar
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    good luck with that

  6. #6
    Goddess-In-Training Macey's Avatar
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    It hurts me to hear that you're so conflicted about your dressing, and also so thrilled for you that your SO now knows and you and your SO can be as open as you want to be.

    There is nothing wrong with your desire to dress, there is nothing wrong with acting upon it. To me, I gather that you might bottle up a lot of stuff and dressing … even if only once a year … may be the pressure valve that helps you release. That's a little true for all of us, I think. CD or not, all people go through stress and we all deal with it in different ways.

    CDing is ONE way for SOME people to cope and you'd have nothing to ever be ashamed about. Turns out, you're pretty 'normal' (whatever that means) after all.

    I hope this isn't goodbye for you, I hope you continue to engage in whatever you need to do to be healthy, happy, and fulfilled, whether you continue to CD or not.

  7. #7
    Seňora Member Robertacd's Avatar
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    I find it ironic and a little sad that you are giving it all up just when you discovered that you have something that some of us will never know the joy of.

    An accepting and supportive spouse is the Holy Grail of CD's and TG's existence.

    Good luck with wherever your journey takes you.
    Last edited by Robertacd; 04-11-2019 at 10:51 AM.

  8. #8
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    I all for giving it up when that's what circumstances dictate, but, to be blunt. I think you're making a big mistake. Sounds like you're running scared out of shame and embarrassment and made a knee-jerk reaction to save face. Why would you do that? The worst is (maybe) over. You're missing a rare and golden opportunity to incorporate this into your life openly and honestly. Approach this in a reasonable way at a reasonable pace and you could reap the incalculable rewards for the rest of your life!!

  9. #9
    Silver Member Meghan4now's Avatar
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    From time to time, I read a post where someone announces they are bound and determined to give it up, but then say they will still check in. Maybe they can, maybe they can't, but I imagine that making such a pronouncement yet still holding on to the community has to be very challenging. I would think your chances of success would go up by cutting all ties and not putting yourself in situations that can trigger temptation.

    If I were an alcoholic, I might not spend time at the bar. It can be done for sure, but why make it harder?
    Put on a Happy Face.

  10. #10
    Aspiring Shopaholic BTWimRobin's Avatar
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    I am so happy for you Julie. Please, don't be a stranger around here.

  11. #11
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    Sorry hon, I can’t say I agree with the way you feel about your dressing and to be honest, I don’t think it’s at all healthy to look at it as a bad habit to be quit. Maybe all this energy you’re putting into trying to quit would be better spent learning to come to terms and accepting yourself.

    EDIT: Just saw your other post and am even more confused. That post went up 20 minutes ago and you sounded over the moon to have gone out and seemed happy to have people see and acknowledge you. Now all of a sudden you tell us how much you hate this about yourself. Not sure what’s going on here but you REALLY need to talk to someone.
    Last edited by Micki_Finn; 04-10-2019 at 06:11 PM.

  12. #12
    Gold Member alwayshave's Avatar
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    Julie, if your SO is accepting, embrace your CDing.

  13. #13
    Silver Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
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    Julie,

    When I read, " despite my general disgust for my habit, which I've always viewed as an affliction, and hoped to take to my grave as my only secret." I felt saddened. What you're actually saying is this thing which we all do you view as wrong. I'm sorry to be so blunt but I also feel that the real affliction you suffer from is born out of a perception garnered from an historical social stigma surrounding homosexuality erroneously linked to crossdressing.

    As other have said it appears you have in your SA someone who isn't as judgemental as you are upon yourself. Perhaps what's required now is a real heart to heart with your SA to see if she would understand if you were to explore this side of you more openly. You also wrote, "Unless she has a sudden reversal..she said she is glad that the reveal is behind us, and that things will be better than ever.". Good grief! If ever there was a signal that this is something she's Okay with that is it.

    My view is you seriously need to re-evaluate your our opinion of yourself and stop feeling that what you do is wrong. I totally understand the desire to keep it a secret, the fear of loss of everything you value. Trust me, I know that feeling. However in truth what you've been handed by circumstance is a chance to move forward. To stop beating yourself up and seek self acceptance. Don't let this opportunity pass by.

    For goodness sake, talk!
    Who dares wears Get in, get out without being noticed

  14. #14
    Junior Member ReneeTD's Avatar
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    Try not to be too hard on yourself. Shame, disgust, affliction are leftovers of social conditioning. This from a society that has a tendency to "strain at a gnat and swallow a camel." A lot worse things are winked at by the legions of hypocrites. You have to process it in your way, and I wish you success in that, but cut yourself some slack if you can.

    I had to slay the dragon of my own faith conditioning years ago, but I've always been one to ask why when presented with "thou shalt". Most such things are the whims of hierarchy rather than true spirituality.

    You've harmed no one, and even if it can be said you've lied, it has been a lie of omission. A little private life is not a great thing to ask.
    Renée Theresa Davidson

  15. #15
    Silver Member Crissy 107's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by alwayshave View Post
    Julie, if your SO is accepting, embrace your CDing.
    Lots of good advice so far but to me this says it all.
    Crissy

  16. #16
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    You will do what you feel you need to do, of course, but may I suggest that that is not the same as what you should do?
    First of all, take the gift you've been given in an understanding spouse. Let her know that you understand that the deception has taken a big chunk out of the "trust bank".
    Next, seek professional help, for you and for you and your wife. Yes, you will get by without it, but believe me, you will both be happier down the road when the two of you find a way to accept who you are. The self loathing you describe is not without it's effects. You're extraordinarily lucky to have a partner that didn't bolt. Show that you value that gift and work this out. You both deserve nothing less.
    Well, somebody has to make up that base of the bell curve that defines "normal".
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  17. #17
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    Julie
    You are very lucky your SO was so supportive. I came out a couple of weeks ago and now wish I hadn't as I have no idea what's going to happen.

  18. #18
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    Julie,
    I would listen to your wife and follow whatever direction she wants to take, seeing that she does not disapprove of what you do.
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  19. #19
    Aspiring Artist Kelly DeWinter's Avatar
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    Julie;

    Keep talking to your SO, Having someone close that you can talk even occasionally will help. Shame comes in two type , True Shame, for something you have done that is wrong and False Shame for how others make you feel about yourself.
    By taking to your SO, it will help reduce the False Shame, it sounds like you have a very compassionate person in your life.
    Take a risk and open up about the need to have your time, and see if she is open to letting you take some of the pressure off that you feel.
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  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by Julie Martin View Post
    despite my general disgust for my habit
    Is the disgust more to do with the shame and embarrassment? Having to keep a secret from close ones is terrible and we can all sympathize one way or another.

    I hope you can sort things out, but you joined the forum for a reason. Sounds like you have someone quite understanding and hopefully you can carry on in happiness.

  21. #21
    Member Dana3's Avatar
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    Being a male, and being naturally drawn towards femininity and all things feminine does not make me a bad nor terrible person. And neither does it you!

    Regardless of who we are in Life? Regardless of our own individuality and accompanying "quirks"? There are always those waiting just outside our front doors, just waiting to beat us up. Just because it's their 'nature' to do so. We shouldn't then, as a rule, be doing the job for them.

    A lot of the lack of self-acceptance and self-loathing ourselves, beating ourselves up comes from a Lifetime of Cultural, Societal, Historical and Religious " conditioning", none of which is necessarily true nor valid in the aggregate, little less for us as individuals?

    If your Wife is comfortable with your experiencing and expressing your femininity? I would advocate moving toward opening a dialog to discuss limits, boundaries, levels of acceptance and comfort, as you and she only can.

  22. #22
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    Jullie:
    Telling your SO is the hardest thing ever. But it is done, now please GO SLOW.
    Do not bomb her with a lot of dressing, let her dress you, or ask for advice.
    This just might be a great way to bond better with your wife; It was for me.
    Good Luck.
    rader

  23. #23
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    Best of luck going forward. I went back and looked at your pictures. You look attractive. If your wife is going going ballistic over the reveal you're ahead of the game. I would keep in mind or at least be aware that you may get the calling again. I would not let angst build up if you get the bug again. Sometimes the frustrations of not being able to be oneself is taken out on others or in a less constructive manner than just donning something pretty. Dressing can be therapeutic.

  24. #24
    Member Julie Martin's Avatar
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    Thanks all, I do appreciate all the input, and will check back again in case there's more..I'll share a bit more a little later, for what it's worth. Again, thank you all..

  25. #25
    Making a life for Tina! suchacutie's Avatar
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    Julie, I can hear the conflict, and I'm sure we can all understand that conflict. Listening to the words you used to describe what happened when your wife discovered Julie, I can only tell you that my wife enjoys having Tina as a girlfriend. Before you put Julie away, it might be beneficial to ask your wife what she thinks about having Julie around every now and again. She might just be very happy to have a girl friend! Regardless, I do hope you find a very happy path for you and your wife!

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