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Thread: It finally happened

  1. #26
    Member Julie Martin's Avatar
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    All,
    I want to thank you all for your valuable input. Nothing has been said here that I haven’t considered at some point, but it is really helpful to read the varying perspectives as I process what has happened, and prepare for the path forward. The responses have many common threads, but also reflect the backgrounds, life experiences, and “internal wiring” of each person..we are all individuals, and although we all share one common denominator (challenge..curse..gift?), how we experience and view it is as individual as we all are.

    For what it’s worth, I’ll share a few things, in case anyone can relate:

    For me, the negative effects of CD-ing have always far outweighed the positive..I’ve never wanted or looked for acceptance, never wanted to (and haven’t) shared it with anyone. In fact I have always maintained a total separation from my “ real” life..when it surfaces and I give in and act on it, it’s always a relief when it’s over and I can go back to being “me” for as long as possible..sometimes for years at a stretch. I know this is at odds with some here who see their femme self as their “real me”, and do seek acceptance, sharing with their SO or others..I accept and respect this, but it’s not my experience, nor do I wish it to be. So for me, rather than a feeling of loss of something or some part of me, redoubling my efforts to bury this part of me feels freeing, something I am very much looking forward to and excited about..despite the fact that I am aware that it’s a daunting..some would say impossible..task. I know the odds, and look forward to trying to beat them.

    Like many of us, I have read volumes about where CDing might come from..why, and how, can a guy’s guy, rugged dude, builder, athlete, rock musician, devoted father and husband/partner, 100% hetero, stand-up clean living guy, who has no patience for or interest in anything remotely “feminine” in any other area of his life..have the ” crossdressing gene”?? WTF?? Me?? And yet..there it is. And after 50 years, I finally am faced with dealing with the fallout.

    Despite my SO’s empathy and feeling that we will move past this discovery and be better than ever, I have no illusions here..right now she says “less is more” and does not want to discuss it, but I know that we have to..when she is ready. I have put all of your responses in a word doc as a starting point for her and I to process this, which I hope will help..I also reached out to the woman who has done my makeovers for 15 years (I don’t know how, and never cared to learn about makeup..no patience!), she knows this part of me well..plus many other CDers..and she is willing to talk to my SO, or us together if my SO wishes..I am open to any other suggestions from you all in this area. My SO is a wise and caring person..but despite what she said, this has to be a trauma for her, and I fear a future PTSD-like event if we don’t process it somehow. She’s the best thing that ever happened to me, my best friend, I love her dearly, and I want her to be confident in the knowledge that she still has the same guy she’s always had..and I pray that she still sees me that way. She didn’t sign up for this, it’s not fair, and the part of me that sees my CDing as selfish (among other things)..is speaking loudly at the moment.

    Thanks to those of you who’ve waded through this whole thing..it’s been therapeutic to write, the start of a long process. Again, thank you all, and my best wishes on your journey, wherever it leads.

  2. #27
    Goddess-In-Training Macey's Avatar
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    Julie, thank you for giving more details and inner thoughts. It makes it easier to understand the situation. You think of yourself as a "man's man" and are disturbed these strong, though infrequent desires. I'm still going with the theory of a stress pressure valve. People talk about women's issues all the time, and there is a lot to talk about and a lot to be done, but rarely does anyone talk about men's issues and the amount of pressure there can be with 'being a man' (by whatever definition you may want to go by). There is still no reason for you to be ashamed. Rather than a 'pressure valve', think of it as a mini vacation. You can go on this vacation once a year, more, less, whatever. But if you feel the call for a vacation from manhood, you should do it. No shame, no pressure, no one needs to know, it can be just for you. Doesn't make you unmanly in the least, just means you need a day away every so often.

    As for your SO, it is great that she now knows that you might need this every once in a while and sounds like she'd understand if you need a yearly (or less) vacation to 'get out'. She probably never needs to know the particulars, she probably doesn't need any discussion, all I would say that she needs is to know that this is there and that it helps you and that is just … well … a vacation for a day or two. Naturally, if ever she does have any questions, be as open as the sky about everything. Sounds like you and she love each other very much and truly want to understand each other's needs and respect each other's sensitivities.

  3. #28
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    If you ask me, you’re still contradicting yourself and are in a very self-destructive state of denial. Some woman has been doing your makeup for 15 years but you “never wanted to (and haven’t) shared it with anyone? You say it’s a burden and it’s a relief when it’s over, and yet you go out in public and you specifically said you “had always wanted to” go out bowling. So why do it if you hate it so much? The only thing I can think of to explain this disparity is that you are really just more into “public humiliation” or similar fetish.

    I’m not going to tell you how to find your own joy, but you’ll never find it until you’re honest with yourself.

  4. #29
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    Julie, i am also a blue collar outdoorsy survivor fishing, fix my own car guy, but have been starved for female beauty and company most of my always single life. I think part of my dressing is an outlet to enjoy femininity, even if it is me wearing lady things and resembling what i missed out on, and am starved for. I agree with Macey a lot about men's issues being unaddressed largely, and denied even. We are to be stoic and strong all the time, denying our need to talk about our fears, our insecurities, our needs, and our sorrow, and binds. No wonder we usually die younger. Not all the time, but usually. This society has so trumpeted womens' issues, and does not say anything about boys and men committing SUICIDE at a far greater rate, than girls and women, though all suicide is tragic, and a sign of a sick society. Like you, part of me hates that i have this proneness. Life would be simpler and safer without it. It has turned women away from me, who i desired to date. We must not be too hard on ourselves, though, as it is counter productive, and keeps us in a squirrel cage of craziness. CDing less is good, if it is taking over one's life, and marriage. Keep it all in balance and easy does it.

  5. #30
    Aspiring Member KimberlyJean's Avatar
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    I am going to echo Micki, you are a walking contradiction. Accept yourself or nothing else is going to work.
    I love the manly man excuse, it holds no water. I joined the military to enforce my masculinity, there are many women in the military and they have passed some of the toughest schools. I run alot and I am fast, I got passed by a girl the other day. I race motorcycles, there are women who also race motorcycles and are faster than me. Anyone watch Truck Night in America, some of those girls build their own trucks and drive them. My mother was the strongest person I have ever met.
    When I realized that the things I like to do and that girls like them as well and can do them better than me, I came to accept I am a woman and have always been a woman.

  6. #31
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    The inner battle is familiar to many of us I’m sure. You intend to resist the urge. Hope that works for you. I love dressing and being accepted in public is something I truly love. The urge will surely return. I wish you all the best in whatever path you take. Just don’t be ashamed or feel guilty!

  7. #32
    Gold Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
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    Julie,

    Like the others replying above I to feel there's a conflict between what you write and what you do. It seems to me that you continue to carry and fail to acknowledge that your dislike of your CD'ing is a product of outdated societal pressures.

    50 years! Think about it! 50 years and still the desire persists. Sorry but I just don't buy the "So for me, rather than a feeling of loss of something or some part of me, redoubling my efforts to bury this part of me feels freeing, something I am very much looking forward to and excited about..despite the fact that I am aware that it’s a daunting..some would say impossible..task. I know the odds, and look forward to trying to beat them. " This to me is like someone saying they're going to be cured of being Gay. What? Self imposed correctional therapy? This is akin to mental self flagellation. If ever there was someone who is in desperate need of self acceptance then I have to say it's you.

    I really don't like typing what it is I'm typing. I look to this forum to offer kind support to those seeking the truth in their lives but in you I see someone who is tied to the past, the old ways of thinking. What you do isn't wrong. Yes it can be difficult to come to terms with but come to terms with you must or you will until the day you die be faced with this continual oscillation between self loathing and seeking your true self.

    I've written it before, I no doubt will write it again. Don't end up on your death bed thinking, "I wish..."
    Who dares wears Get in, get out without being noticed

  8. #33
    Member Julie Martin's Avatar
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    So..an update.

    It’s been a bit over a week since my SO discovered my dressing, and after she spent the week doing her own research, at her request we spent Friday night discussing it all for 4 hrs. I am a very lucky man. It was a transformative experience for both of us, we both learned a few things about ourselves..and she is still with me. In fact, we feel closer than ever and had an amazing weekend. Many of you will agree with her assessment that if at times the desire for some Julie time becomes overwhelming..I should do it. She seems able to separate that character from the guy she loves. When and if Julie strikes again ( more like when, I’m well aware)..what has changed is that I will tell her when, where, and what I’m doing, and won’t have to hide it. But I don’t want her to see it, nor does she want to. Kind of a “tell but just the basics”. I will admit that this takes a huge load of stress and anxiety off, and without that distraction I am going about my regular guy life much more at peace. I’m not feeling the need to express Julie at all, partially because that’s always the way it works for me after an outing, but also maybe because I know that if (when?) I go there again, it will be with her blessing. That’s something I thought would not ever be possible..I’m very lucky.

    I read the new posts on this thread since I’ve been away..those of you who told me in so many words that my goal of giving this up is delusional, I’m a walking contradiction, are likely correct..as are those who suggest professional help . Oh and the fact that the “manly man” thing has nothing to do with the urge to crossdress..all true. It’s good to read the different perspectives. Macey’s post sums up the way it all feels for me, I just need to manage the self-loathing to get there, which will be a challenge. My seeing this whole things as “wrong”..for me, ( not for anyone else!).is definitely imbedded in my psyche from my upbringing…and that will be almost as hard to let go of as the urge to dress itself..both may be impossible. My desire to quit this has not changed…although my personal history has shown me that I won’t have the urge for 6 months to a year…then it is likely to come roaring back. The fact that I now know I can scratch that itch without the usual cloak-and-dagger deception is huge. Till then, I’m content to go about my life with much less stress and anxiety, due to the understanding and wonderful woman I share my life with.
    Last edited by Julie Martin; 04-15-2019 at 12:58 PM.

  9. #34
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    Julie,

    I disagree slightly with what is said about not being able to give up CDing. You CAN decide on your behavior and actions. It is possible to never again don a dress, or pull on panties, or wear a wig. It can be done. It may be difficult.

    What may be far more difficult or near impossible is to give up the desire. I don't know if this is possible or not. I have certainly burried it for long periods of time. Only you can decide if your actions vs your desires are best served. But if you are bound and determined to try, then I still highly suggest full commitment.

  10. #35
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    You will discover what’s best for you. I think many of us have swings of emotion about doing this. To refer to disgust and affliction is strong language. I wonder whether you will feel like that all the time. Self acceptance is the key. Whether you dress full time, just occasionally or you resist the urge totally is something only you can decide. Same for us all. Having acceptance from a wife and other women and being complimented on my female appearance personally keeps me happy. I would feel unhappy if I felt I was a figure of fun. I do hate seeing a Cder in public who looks dreadful and need reassurance from others of my own look afterwards. Good luck on whatever path you choose.

  11. #36
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    Julie -

    I'm glad to hear that you and your wife are working through this. I hope you find a path that works for both of you.

    Jaclyn

  12. #37
    There's that smile! CarlaWestin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Julie Martin View Post
    I’m content to go about my life with much less stress and anxiety, due to the understanding and wonderful woman I share my life with.
    So, just enjoy the fun of it now that you've removed the poison.
    I've waited so long for this time. Makeup is so frustrating. Shaking hands and I look so old. This was a mistake.
    My new maid's outfit is cute. Sure fits tight.
    And then I step into the bedroom and in the mirror, I see a beautiful woman looking back at me.
    Smile, Honey! You look fabulous!

  13. #38
    Senior Member Robbin_Sinclair's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tracii G View Post
    Please keep in touch and let us all know how you are doing OK?
    Yeah, do.

  14. #39
    AKA Lexi sometimes_miss's Avatar
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    I don't mean to be paranoid, but beware the potential calm before the potential storm. My ex went through a calm, seemingly accepting phase, where she was carefully planning our divorce without telling me. I, busy with work and school, didn't realize that she had already started another relationship. Then she dropped the boom, filing for divorce and blackmailing me for all our assets. Then I come home to locks changed, and a threat to file for a restraining order if I didn't do as she wished. She had it all planned out perfectly. I had no clue what was going on.

    I'm not saying that your wife will do this, but it's possible. Plan for the worst. I wound up suddenly broke, deep in debt, and nowhere to live.
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

  15. #40
    Silver Member ClosetED's Avatar
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    To me the key is "I’m content to go about my life with much less stress and anxiety, due to the understanding and wonderful woman"
    She wants you to end the self-loathing and she will end up with a happier person. So share some of your feelings as that seems to be what she wants. Communication is a great thing, when someone is willing to listen
    Hugs, Ellen

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