All,
I want to thank you all for your valuable input. Nothing has been said here that I haven’t considered at some point, but it is really helpful to read the varying perspectives as I process what has happened, and prepare for the path forward. The responses have many common threads, but also reflect the backgrounds, life experiences, and “internal wiring” of each person..we are all individuals, and although we all share one common denominator (challenge..curse..gift?), how we experience and view it is as individual as we all are.
For what it’s worth, I’ll share a few things, in case anyone can relate:
For me, the negative effects of CD-ing have always far outweighed the positive..I’ve never wanted or looked for acceptance, never wanted to (and haven’t) shared it with anyone. In fact I have always maintained a total separation from my “ real” life..when it surfaces and I give in and act on it, it’s always a relief when it’s over and I can go back to being “me” for as long as possible..sometimes for years at a stretch. I know this is at odds with some here who see their femme self as their “real me”, and do seek acceptance, sharing with their SO or others..I accept and respect this, but it’s not my experience, nor do I wish it to be. So for me, rather than a feeling of loss of something or some part of me, redoubling my efforts to bury this part of me feels freeing, something I am very much looking forward to and excited about..despite the fact that I am aware that it’s a daunting..some would say impossible..task. I know the odds, and look forward to trying to beat them.
Like many of us, I have read volumes about where CDing might come from..why, and how, can a guy’s guy, rugged dude, builder, athlete, rock musician, devoted father and husband/partner, 100% hetero, stand-up clean living guy, who has no patience for or interest in anything remotely “feminine” in any other area of his life..have the ” crossdressing gene”?? WTF?? Me?? And yet..there it is. And after 50 years, I finally am faced with dealing with the fallout.
Despite my SO’s empathy and feeling that we will move past this discovery and be better than ever, I have no illusions here..right now she says “less is more” and does not want to discuss it, but I know that we have to..when she is ready. I have put all of your responses in a word doc as a starting point for her and I to process this, which I hope will help..I also reached out to the woman who has done my makeovers for 15 years (I don’t know how, and never cared to learn about makeup..no patience!), she knows this part of me well..plus many other CDers..and she is willing to talk to my SO, or us together if my SO wishes..I am open to any other suggestions from you all in this area. My SO is a wise and caring person..but despite what she said, this has to be a trauma for her, and I fear a future PTSD-like event if we don’t process it somehow. She’s the best thing that ever happened to me, my best friend, I love her dearly, and I want her to be confident in the knowledge that she still has the same guy she’s always had..and I pray that she still sees me that way. She didn’t sign up for this, it’s not fair, and the part of me that sees my CDing as selfish (among other things)..is speaking loudly at the moment.
Thanks to those of you who’ve waded through this whole thing..it’s been therapeutic to write, the start of a long process. Again, thank you all, and my best wishes on your journey, wherever it leads.