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Thread: The Big Reveal - accepted or not by your SO

  1. #26
    Sallee Sallee's Avatar
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    I am kind of in the same boat told her years ago before marriage She accepted even participated a bit. Then she just decide she wanted nothing to do with it. So now I am DADT. Its been 35 year + maybe 40 anyway a long time since she has been aware of it
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Sallee

  2. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by char GG View Post
    Hi Charleene,
    You are about in the same time period as my husband when he started CDing, (more than 35 years after we were married). After being married so long, it was definitely a big surprise (to say the least). We had our ups and downs, there was definitely a learning curve, but I would highly recommend not hiding this from your wife. Please re-read Reine's post about what not to do because if you start down this road, your wife is bound to find out sooner or later.
    Thank you very much, I will read it. So you were married 35 years before he came out!! We have very similar situations. Love to hear yours and your husband's story. Certainly food for thought.

  3. #28
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    I started out being quite unfortunate as far as my wife's reaction. During that time, I later learned, she would rather have seen me dead than in a dress. But I couldn't go back into the closet, so I employed the strategy of dressing as I pleased to show her that I was the same person she married and that I wasn't going to go further and pursue gender reassignment. It was rough. I could tell she hated what she saw, but she never said anything to me about it. My opinion was that I would continue until she expressed her feelings, which I would then consider then try to find a way to make my needs coexist with her feelings. But the ultimatum would be taken as a sign that she had no respect for me and the marriage would be over.

    That day never came. We decided to see a counselor together, who managed to get her talking about her feelings enough to sort through them. Her decision was to accept my dressing, but refuse to go out in public with me while I'm dressed. It's a compromise we can live with, and a couple of years later, I can still sense that her acceptance is still growing? So I have to say I've become more fortunate as the years have passed.

  4. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by ~Renee~ View Post
    I put her and my family first. I let her know this sense/need was something so vital to my well being and that I wouldn't jeopardize her or our family. Then we talked lots ... We still do. She did her own research and saw that my peace increased. She saw I became a less agitated. The result is I'm no longer forced to mute everything and if I need time for expressing she makes it happen. She discovered this sense/need is a benefit to us, not just me. In short, love, patience, compassion, and understanding goes a long way.
    Gotta agree w/Renee, and it's a similar approach that I took. I shared this secret with my wife before we were married. She kinda knew something was up and was curious, but prior to this revelation, I had never even put on an item of girl's clothing. I just knew I wanted to since I was a young child. She had her moments of confusion, but found that I cared most about her and our family, period.

    Now, here's where it gets tricky. Even when you have your wife's support, it's easy to mess it up. In my opinion, the biggest problem w/Crossdressing is that it's by nature quite selfish and it's consuming. That's the bad part of the fog for me. And it's tough to really think about much else. Then when I give in and the wife helps me dress or tells me to dress, etc, you'd think this selfish desire would maybe go away, but for me...and probably others, it becomes more validation that I need it.

    The other day, my wife said..."you like to talk about it and we talk about it all the time." This wasn't a jab, just a reality that I need to remember to have balance in all of this. In my opinion, it's a slippery slope. If you have a spouse who can help you and if you have really solid communication, and if you meet her and the family's needs first, even when that means going overboard..you do it.

    I think most CD's expect more from their spouses than they probably deserve. It's kind of a harsh criticism, but you can see it/read it throughout this site that some have lost balance...and maybe impacted their family, friends, and employment because of it.
    Last edited by DTelia; 04-16-2019 at 12:59 PM.

  5. #30
    Gold Member JenniferR771's Avatar
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    I consider crossdressing a fetish. It is weird. It is sexually driven. As such, she is upset and a bit mentally jealous. She wants to be the only object of your affection. Appreciate her, respect the many things she does around the house and family. She needs your respect, devotion and affection. And it would not hurt to buy her something pretty--like a blue Toyota.

  6. #31
    Junior Member Victoria_R's Avatar
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    For me before my wife and I got married as on one of our dates we was driving down a road. She asked me a question. She said I want to know a deep secret about you in your life. I was like well I can come up with a story that's no big deal or tell her my secret. I asked her to tell me hers first to see if mine would be worse telling. So after she was done I man up and told her I am a crossdresser and I love panties and lingerie and dress as a woman. At first she thought I was joking but I went in deepth and explain everything to her. She was thankful I came out and told her. I said I didn't want her to find a bra and panties that didn't belong to her and think I was cheating because they was mine lol. So we talked more and she did the research and she accepted is and we married. Now we have been married for two years now and I have my moments where I don't want to dress or be Victoria she has got so used to it that when we go to bed she points out where are your panties or why are you not wearing your panties. And I just have to say I don't feel like it today or tonight lol and she just laughed. Now I am so blessed to have my wife who is excepting of me and I am so happy i told her this side of me.

  7. #32
    Senior Member Robbin_Sinclair's Avatar
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    From Robbin the Hider:

    I got found out by having a weird tropical illness lay me low in Chicago. My wife had to get into my electronic devices at the Apple store because medical information was needed.

    This came at a particularly bad time because I gave some character on this site an opening and he was sending me all kinds of really tiresome sex messages. She couldn’t read them beyond the first few. The cat was out of the bag but I didn’t wake up from an induced coma until 4 days later.

    For me, the advice that I would give is to use your fem-ness and not be a person who has to provide a solution. A man does that. Women do not have to. We have an option to be weak. We can use it and I often do.

    My wife agreed to a full discussion of this CD “problem” in a month. That was five years ago. She never wants to bring it up and that’s fine with me. Part of our agreement was to go to an alcohol recovery program to address my “issue”, which is, of course, pure folly. It made her happy and I had a few years to talk to people about all kinds of issues.

    Advice: Don’t control it. Admit your being but don’t provide any “solutions” that people put in front of you. They aren’t you. To be found out is very freeing. Yes, she may file for divorce ... but probably not. Be useful in the home and your path from which to work will probably follow.
    ❤️r

  8. #33
    AKA Lexi sometimes_miss's Avatar
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    It turned out that nothing I could have done differently would have made any difference. After finding out, we did go to a therapist, and my ex revealed that had she known I was a crossdresser before we got married, she never would have married me, this, after a couple years of therapy and she learning as much as she could about it. It was simply something that she could not accept. I understand that; there are just some things that we get so completely turned off by, that it interferes with being attracted to them.
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

  9. #34
    Senior Member SaraLin's Avatar
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    The "Big Reveal" hasn't happened... and probably never will.

    I told her about my CD'ing when we were dating and before we got serious. She set some "ground rules" of what was acceptable and what was not: Panties, ok - Nighties, ok - anything more than that, she doesn't want to see.

    Other than a couple minor incidents of trying on a skirt or dress, she hasn't seen me in anything beyond the agreed-upon limits. Even though I'm in nighties daily and panties always, I haven't been in bra, dress, wig, or makeup in a L-O-N-G time (and never when she's around).

    Do I miss being able to dress more fully? Yes.
    Can I live without it? Yes.

    My limited dressing keeps the pressure from building up too much. I can still feel feminine at least a little bit while still being the man she wants.

    I'm sure she'd like it if I stopped entirely, and I KNOW I'd like it if I could be free to express the 'real' me. But- the compromise we've reached is acceptable and only a little uncomfortable for both of us, and because we love each other, we make it work.

    Oh - one more thing... she found pictures of me dressed up (on the computer, where else?) and was NOT happy about it, but stopped short of making me get rid of them, and saying she "never wanted to see them again" (My thoughts were "well don't snoop around in my files" but of course I didn't say that out loud )

  10. #35
    Aspiring Member Leelou's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AllieSF View Post
    Micki, I don't think that it is a false notion that acceptance is (only) dependent on the Cd's actions. I inserted the only. I think that she realizes that from the start. However, her question is a good one, because many thought about how they did their own big reveals and many probably learned after that hindsight really is more accurate than foresight. So, many may have good recommendations on words used, logistics/timing of when to reveal, how much detail to get into in first conversation, etc. As has been said by several here that bringing up something that may have been discussed before is good for the site and members because people tend to read new topics before going back to look for history, that applies to stickies too. If we said read the sticky to everyone, a lot of good threads with good responses may never be started or continued.
    I agree. I'm glad Jenny started this thread. It has been great reading these stories of coming out to wives and SO's. The sticky referenced is 15 pages long, and I'm not really interested in reading all of it. So a fresh discussion of this very important topic is nice.

    As for me, I've been out to three women and have been accepted every time. I came out to my first wife in my early 20's before we were married. At the time it was just panties and nighties, as my desire to fully dress hadn't developed yet. I think this was largely due to this being pre-internet and I hadn't really thought about doing more. The reveal was pretty uneventful. I just told that I liked to wear them, and she was OK with that.

    It's interesting to reflect on it now, since I didn't address all of the things then that I did the last time I came out to a SO-since this was pre-internet and I knew less then. For example, I didn't say that I wasn't interested in men sexually, that I didn't want to transition, live full-time, or dress in public (that came later). And she never asked any of those questions. Different times for me. I just told her that I liked to wear the clothes, and we went on our merry way. Our eventual divorce had nothing to do with my crossdressing, and I still have some very fond memories of that time.
    Last edited by Leelou; 04-19-2019 at 11:41 PM.

  11. #36
    Aspiring Member jacques's Avatar
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    hello Jenny,
    there is no easy way to do the Reveal - it is really scary if you are a closet crossdresser.
    I am so lucky that my wife accepts my dressing much more than I do... she says "it's only clothes"
    I still get scared when I do little reveals - just a new costume or make up... we do not talk about it.
    luv J

  12. #37
    Member Dana3's Avatar
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    Wife No. # 1 Married 11 years. Confessed up in 88' ~ Got divorced in 91. Confined mostly to dressing in Wife's clothing.

    Long Term cohabitating GF ~ 6-1/2 years. Told here within less than a year. Crossdressing, even though simplistic, and nothing all out, was the primary reason for the breakup.

    Wife No. 2. Informed her of my almost compulsive wish from the start. Very much doesn't want to discuss it, out of sight, out of mind.

    Was told:

    "What you do on your own time and privately isn't on me. Privately meaning just you.

    What you do in private is your business...I don't have to know."

    Not exactly what to make of that?

  13. #38
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    My wife summed it with two phrases;

    1) "If I wanted to be married to a woman, I would have married a woman!"

    2) "Let me know about your feminine side when you can have a baby!"

    Those sentiments came from her in the early 1980's. There was no internet. There was no resource materials. There was no societal acceptance for any deviation from just plain vanilla man and woman relationships. So, that's the way our "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" married started. Married for close to fifty years. Back then I had a gift box of slips and several nightgowns in my armoire draw. Originally, we had incorporated nightgowns into the bedroom which was probably viewed as a little sexual kink. However, when I progressed further, it hit the wall.

    I made some attempts to have her engaged in some ways to accept my desires. She was so traumatized by just the mere attempt to buy several pairs of panties that I realized two things. First, I did not really need her acceptance to validate myself. Second, pushing my desires on her was nothing more than spousal mental abuse.

    Her inner self and beliefs are never going to allow Stephanie to create a threesome. She is very liberal when it comes to accepting gays and lesbians and transgender men or women, but, she did not and would not choose to marry one. Fortunately, outside of this quirk in me our marriage has been rich and fulfilling. She also had told me about her rather complex life prior to I ever knowing her. If I accepted her with all her faults, then she said it would have been two faced not to accept me with my faults.

  14. #39
    Senior Member Asew's Avatar
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    I told my wife about a year ago. After a couple months she was ok with me wearing a skirt around our kids, and within a couple weeks all our friends and family knew and saw. She still has limits of not dressing in our town to avoid the kids from getting bullied, but she isn't really a fan of going out with me dressed either. So I feel like she is somewhere between tolerating and accepting.

  15. #40
    Aspiring Member Debs's Avatar
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    Bottom line, they don't like it, get ready to accept a DADT, that's always the outcome, whoops sorry missed a bit, it's OK for them to wear our clothes

  16. #41
    Aspiring Member abbiedrake's Avatar
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    My own story is a little different to most.
    I've underdressed for years. My wife knew but didn't care for it and so there were the typical purges and restocks. I was basically in a DADT situation before I'd been acquainted with the term.
    18 months ago I decided I'd had enough of the purge cycle and told my wife so. I was pretty blunt, largely because I didn't see liking women's underwear as THAT big a deal. My wife's pretty liberal. I figured she'd accept it as 'meh'. I had been drinking. I wouldn't recommend that, though neither would I say it especially impacted the conversation.
    She essentially spat at me that I should just admit I'm a tranny and why don't I just put on a dress.
    OK, so judge how you will what I did next. The next day I did indeed put on a dress. Two, in fact. I'm 5 inches taller than her but the maxi dress I tried first was dragging the floor. Of course I didn't own heels then... The second dress was a sundress. Not exactly October attire but I wasn't going anywhere. Probably my biggest mistake that day was dressing before my wife woke. She didn't appreciate the sudden reveal. On the flip side if I'd waited and expressed a desire to try on a dress she might have said no. Woulda, coulda, shoulda.
    I liked wearing the dresses. Which was confusing. To clarify I had dressed twice before in my life, both during my first marriage. Once for a party and once when I wore my wife's wedding dress to work. My first marriage was such though that even entertaining any thoughts about continuing were self-censored into oblivion. This was different and I knew I wanted to do it again and I told my wife so. Bear in mind this was more than a year before joining this site so when I told her I might want to dress a couple of times a year, it was partly naivety about my own desires and partly about the perils of promising an undeliverable status quo.
    Months went by. Then a month after my birthday I summoned up the courage to ask for some help dressing. My wife obliged, even doing my hair and makeup. But it felt like an imposition and I disliked doing it.
    As you're all familiar though, that genie just would not oblige by slipping back into her bottle. I started buying clothes at charity stores. This proved a less financially burdensome way of finding my style but my wife and I weren't talking much about it. She was in a stage of denial, that this was a phase. She still hopes that, to a degree.
    Following a CD or two on YouTube helped me understand myself more, followed soon after by joining this site. Both rapidly taught me that I could be more open and honest than I had. Not that I'd lied especially, but I was learning about myself and struggling to pass that on. That meant the inevitable accusations of escalation.
    The last half a year has seen ongoing discussions, often circular in nature.
    Here's a key thing I realised recently. Acceptance is not the same as understanding. Indeed one can accept without understanding. My wife's difficulty lies largely in this distinction. She finds it nigh impossible to accept something she can't understand. It makes little sense. We all have preferences we can't, nor need to, justify. But I accept (without fully understanding) that this does bother her. And before others point out any number of obvious reasons she has for her reticence it's worth noting she's perplexed and upset at her own lack of tolerance.
    I guess my point is acceptance is the key word here. It's OK to not have all the answers. Especially if, as in my own case, it's as much a surprise to you as to your SO. But if you have any respect and love you owe all the answers you have.
    There's no silver bullet here.
    Also, as has been pointed out, the immediate search for solutions is a typically male pattern of behaviour. Sometimes a thing can just be said and that's it. Relationships are a partnership. You both have a right to determine what your crossdressing means to you, and what limits you're willing to accept. Absolutism is no-one's friend when it comes to bringing up CDing in a pre-existing relationship.
    For myself this has meant a number of (often self-imposed) limitations. Abbie's stuff is out of the bedroom and into the dressing room. Wife gets warned of impending dressing. And I present as wholly male when out with her. I don't dress to go out on my own, again out of respect, but I'd like to. I also limit the extent to which I femme up. I still have my beard (for now) and I haven't worn my forms in some time. These scale backs seem reasonable. Certainly for now. And certainly while I try to figure out a level of dressing that works for me. Would I dress full-time? Emphatically not. Would I dress to go out often? I have no idea. For all I know I'll do it once and swear never again. I might decide once or twice a year scratches the itch. Or I might find it gives me something I can't find elsewhere. I don't know.
    Again absolutism is the enemy here. Openness, honesty, and flexibility. That's what I've learned here. And the hard way.
    Onward and upward.

  17. #42
    Just do it already! DaisyLawrence's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Debs View Post
    Bottom line, they don't like it, get ready to accept a DADT, that's always the outcome,
    NO it isn't.

  18. #43
    -1.#QNaN Lydianne's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JenniferR771 View Post
    And it would not hurt to buy her something pretty--like a blue Toyota.
    I've always considered Toyotas extremely ugly cars , but they'll run forever! ( Except in the 2016 Le Mans 24 hour, when they'll run for 23 hours 54 mins! ).

    - Lydianne.

  19. #44
    mini kilted chick t-girlxsophie's Avatar
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    I "met" my wife online,not a dating site I may add.So she knew everything about me from the start,after a few months we met up (i was in drab) I introduced Sophie in person to her a few months later.My first marriage was blighted by my behaviour so I made a vow If I was lucky enough to find someone else to share my life with I needed to be upfront from the start


    Debs
    Bottom line, they don't like it, get ready to accept a DADT, that's always the outcome, whoops sorry missed a bit, it's OK for them to wear our clothes
    No offence Debs,but that's just not true,why discount the stories of successful relationships from contributors on here

    Sophie
    Last edited by t-girlxsophie; 04-28-2019 at 06:15 PM. Reason: Messed up quoting
    We look to Scotland,for all our Ideas of Civilisation-Voltaire

    ========================================

    A woman who loves to wear beautiful clothes is like a flower.
    A man who loves to emulate these women is a special flower-a rose
    Facebook:Sophie Johnson

  20. #45
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Debs View Post
    Bottom line, they don't like it, get ready to accept a DADT, that's always the outcome, whoops sorry missed a bit, it's OK for them to wear our clothes
    I believe that you may be generalizing here. If "they" don't like it, DADT is not always the outcome. What is true for you may not be true for others.

    I don't know who you are talking to when you say, "it's ok for them to wear our clothes". Everyone should just wear their own clothes whatever gender they are presenting as.
    Last edited by char GG; 04-28-2019 at 07:10 PM.

  21. #46
    Senior Member Maid_Marion's Avatar
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    My wife was the one who let the "genie out of the bottle." I hated buying men's clothes because at my size, there weren't any. But, she became concerned about what I wore to work, and suggested I buy women's tops in men's styles!
    She later suggested underdressing in panties, but I didn't go there until just recently.

  22. #47
    Member Becoming Brianna's Avatar
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    Rejected. Big time. Now I'm single but at least I'm free to explore my gender identity and find out who I am and what I need to do.

  23. #48
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lydianne View Post
    I've always considered Toyotas extremely ugly cars , but they'll run forever! ( Except in the 2016 Le Mans 24 hour, when they'll run for 23 hours 54 mins! ).
    Ain't that the painful truth.

    Back to the topic...
    This has been an unusually interesting thread. First of all, I remain even more convinced that deception is always a bad bet. Rare is the partner who will not be deeply hurt by such a thing. Rarer still are those who will embrace, tolerate, or even stick around after discovering the deception. I understand that those who've made the mistake of hiding their nature from their partners may have invested no small amount of time in the relationship and don't wish to lose that by coming out. It's a tough call and, happily, not one I had to make this time (out from the start). That investment in honesty and trust seems to be paying off as we now coming to grips with me being TS (something neither of us saw coming).

    My second observation is the commonly expressed notion that we are "selfish" in our pursuit satisfaction of this need. Again, honesty and empathy seem to pay dividends to those who've made such things a fundamental part of their relationships. Though far from universal, there is a pattern there. "I know you didn't bargain for this. Neither did I, but we're faced with it. How can we handle this so that both our needs are met?", is a common refrain with those couples still together.
    Calling bigotry an "opinion" is like calling arsenic a "flavor".

  24. #49
    Aspiring Member abbiedrake's Avatar
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    I rather tend to think Debs may have been taken a little more harshly than intended because she dropped the preposition 'if'. It's a thing that Brits tend not to do so much and it can cause some miscommunication. I know this from 20 years living with an American!
    That said it's not a particularly useful generalisation that an SO who doesn't like her partner dressing means DADT, simple as. People ARE capable.of tolerating things in each other that they dislike. My own wife dislikes my dressing but on balance she'd rather put up with my dressing from time to time than end our relationship. I'm not DADT and I'd prefer not to be, even if my circumstances allowed it. As her full-time carer DADT would be impossible and yet our relationship AND my dressing persist.

  25. #50
    Platinum Member Crissy 107's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Maid_Marion View Post
    My wife was the one who let the "genie out of the bottle." I hated buying men's clothes because at my size, there weren't any. But, she became concerned about what I wore to work, and suggested I buy women's tops in men's styles!
    She later suggested underdressing in panties, but I didn't go there until just recently.
    Marion, You have a terrific wife and I enjoyed reading your post!
    Crissy

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