The Big Reveal - accepted or not by your SO

[Jenny22]

There are so many stories of heartbreak, broken marriages and relationships and some of reluctant and even complete acceptance.

However your SO found out about your CDing or being trans, what followed was critical... what you did, what you said, how you tried to explain your anguish at her now knowing, etc., as well as what was her background persona, beliefs, attitude, etc..

If you were one of the fortunate ones, if possible, try to outline, for the benefit of many here, what you did and said that gave her the opportunity to become accepting. Be as specific as possible, so that we may be able to evaluate similarities in favorable outcomes.

If you were NOT so fortunate, try to outline your mistakes / errors in attempting acceptance so that similarities may be evaluated in the hope that those wishing to 'come out' may not make the same mistakes / errors, if their circumstances are similar.

This is not going to be easy. Its going to require some in depth thinking. Thanks to all who participate.

[~Renee~]

I put her and my family first. I let her know this sense/need was something so vital to my well being and that I wouldn't jeopardize her or our family. Then we talked lots ... We still do. She did her own research and saw that my peace increased. She saw I became a less agitated. The result is I'm no longer forced to mute everything and if I need time for expressing she makes it happen. She discovered this sense/need is a benefit to us, not just me. In short, love, patience, compassion, and understanding goes a long way.

[Micki_Finn]

There’s a whole sticky thread about this with lots of good tips to help.

The problem with your question is that is based on the false notion that acceptance is dependent on the CD’s actions. While there are a few things you can do to help, and some things you should definitely NOT do, acceptance basically comes down to the SO. Your SO is either inclined to accept or she isn’t, and for the most part, nothing we do is really going to change that.

[AllieSF]

Micki, I don't think that it is a false notion that acceptance is (only) dependent on the Cd's actions. I inserted the only. I think that she realizes that from the start. However, her question is a good one, because many thought about how they did their own big reveals and many probably learned after that hindsight really is more accurate than foresight. So, many may have good recommendations on words used, logistics/timing of when to reveal, how much detail to get into in first conversation, etc. As has been said by several here that bringing up something that may have been discussed before is good for the site and members because people tend to read new topics before going back to look for history, that applies to stickies too. If we said read the sticky to everyone, a lot of good threads with good responses may never be started or continued.

[Leelou]

Micki, I don't think that it is a false notion that acceptance is (only) dependent on the Cd's actions. I inserted the only. I think that she realizes that from the start. However, her question is a good one, because many thought about how they did their own big reveals and many probably learned after that hindsight really is more accurate than foresight. So, many may have good recommendations on words used, logistics/timing of when to reveal, how much detail to get into in first conversation, etc. As has been said by several here that bringing up something that may have been discussed before is good for the site and members because people tend to read new topics before going back to look for history, that applies to stickies too. If we said read the sticky to everyone, a lot of good threads with good responses may never be started or continued.

I agree. I'm glad Jenny started this thread. It has been great reading these stories of coming out to wives and SO's. The sticky referenced is 15 pages long, and I'm not really interested in reading all of it. So a fresh discussion of this very important topic is nice.

As for me, I've been out to three women and have been accepted every time. I came out to my first wife in my early 20's before we were married. At the time it was just panties and nighties, as my desire to fully dress hadn't developed yet. I think this was largely due to this being pre-internet and I hadn't really thought about doing more. The reveal was pretty uneventful. I just told that I liked to wear them, and she was OK with that.

It's interesting to reflect on it now, since I didn't address all of the things then that I did the last time I came out to a SO-since this was pre-internet and I knew less then. For example, I didn't say that I wasn't interested in men sexually, that I didn't want to transition, live full-time, or dress in public (that came later). And she never asked any of those questions. Different times for me. I just told her that I liked to wear the clothes, and we went on our merry way. Our eventual divorce had nothing to do with my crossdressing, and I still have some very fond memories of that time.

[JeanTG]

Your SO is either inclined to accept or she isn’t, and for the most part, nothing we do is really going to change that.

This is it exactly. I told my SO *before* we married (a long long time ago). She went ahead and married me anyway, but has never ever accepted it.

[Sallee]

I am kind of in the same boat told her years ago before marriage She accepted even participated a bit. Then she just decide she wanted nothing to do with it. So now I am DADT. Its been 35 year + maybe 40 anyway a long time since she has been aware of it

[DTelia]

I put her and my family first. I let her know this sense/need was something so vital to my well being and that I wouldn't jeopardize her or our family. Then we talked lots ... We still do. She did her own research and saw that my peace increased. She saw I became a less agitated. The result is I'm no longer forced to mute everything and if I need time for expressing she makes it happen. She discovered this sense/need is a benefit to us, not just me. In short, love, patience, compassion, and understanding goes a long way.

Gotta agree w/Renee, and it's a similar approach that I took. I shared this secret with my wife before we were married. She kinda knew something was up and was curious, but prior to this revelation, I had never even put on an item of girl's clothing. I just knew I wanted to since I was a young child. She had her moments of confusion, but found that I cared most about her and our family, period.

Now, here's where it gets tricky. Even when you have your wife's support, it's easy to mess it up. In my opinion, the biggest problem w/Crossdressing is that it's by nature quite selfish and it's consuming. That's the bad part of the fog for me. And it's tough to really think about much else. Then when I give in and the wife helps me dress or tells me to dress, etc, you'd think this selfish desire would maybe go away, but for me...and probably others, it becomes more validation that I need it.

The other day, my wife said..."you like to talk about it and we talk about it all the time." This wasn't a jab, just a reality that I need to remember to have balance in all of this. In my opinion, it's a slippery slope. If you have a spouse who can help you and if you have really solid communication, and if you meet her and the family's needs first, even when that means going overboard..you do it.

I think most CD's expect more from their spouses than they probably deserve. It's kind of a harsh criticism, but you can see it/read it throughout this site that some have lost balance...and maybe impacted their family, friends, and employment because of it.

[JenniferR771]

I consider crossdressing a fetish. It is weird. It is sexually driven. As such, she is upset and a bit mentally jealous. She wants to be the only object of your affection. Appreciate her, respect the many things she does around the house and family. She needs your respect, devotion and affection. And it would not hurt to buy her something pretty--like a blue Toyota.

[Lydianne]

And it would not hurt to buy her something pretty--like a blue Toyota.

I've always considered Toyotas extremely ugly cars , but they'll run forever! ( Except in the 2016 Le Mans 24 hour, when they'll run for 23 hours 54 mins! ).

- Lydianne.

[Aunt Kelly]

I've always considered Toyotas extremely ugly cars , but they'll run forever! ( Except in the 2016 Le Mans 24 hour, when they'll run for 23 hours 54 mins! ).

Ain't that the painful truth.

Back to the topic...
This has been an unusually interesting thread. First of all, I remain even more convinced that deception is always a bad bet. Rare is the partner who will not be deeply hurt by such a thing. Rarer still are those who will embrace, tolerate, or even stick around after discovering the deception. I understand that those who've made the mistake of hiding their nature from their partners may have invested no small amount of time in the relationship and don't wish to lose that by coming out. It's a tough call and, happily, not one I had to make this time (out from the start). That investment in honesty and trust seems to be paying off as we now coming to grips with me being TS (something neither of us saw coming).

My second observation is the commonly expressed notion that we are "selfish" in our pursuit satisfaction of this need. Again, honesty and empathy seem to pay dividends to those who've made such things a fundamental part of their relationships. Though far from universal, there is a pattern there. "I know you didn't bargain for this. Neither did I, but we're faced with it. How can we handle this so that both our needs are met?", is a common refrain with those couples still together.

[Lara A]

I don't know that there are any hard and fast 'good' or 'bad' ways to reveal to one's SO on this. As Micki said, they are either inclined to be accepting or not, and I do not think what we say, and/or how we say it will have any lasting impression on the eventual outcome. To a degree at the time, a little, but not anything that will cause them to have a quantum shift in how they think.
I have done this twice now, once by design, and once by mistake, and both times would not have had different outcomes by what I said or by how I said it.
I think unless you are with an extremely perceptive and 'with it' lady, the news is going to be quite a bombshell no matter what, and the delivery will almost certainly be overshadowed by the revelation itself.
With my first wife for instance, she greeted the news with a mixed bag of emotions and reactions that I completely misread, until hindsight kicked in. She had been having an affair for a while anyway, and her 'acceptance' was colored by some measure of relief that she could be freed to continue her affair and possibly more, with a minimum of guilt! This I found out later, after I had previously thought she had been remarkably accepting.
My second wife found out after she discovered an email from my daughter that referenced my 'alter-ego'. That was a little trickier!

[mykell]

ok, ill try. its true you can take your SO to the water but you cant make them drink.....i joined nov 2013, i read stories and saw jennifer at homes story in particular, how cool....i was enamored by the wifes acceptance, my pop had just passed away, the women were rooting through his belongings and i thought WTF if i pass away and she finds all my stashes. so i decided a reveal was the way to go.

now its late November early December so im not going to muck up the holidays with this info so ill wait until January, used jens and shelly preston has a GG story in her signature as a template and wrote down the talking points i wished to touch upon.

now she was working at a place that had a hostile work environment so i picked a Saturday in January, the reasoning was she could chill out friday night and after i tell her she had most of the weekend to coupe with it.

so i grew my set a balls fessed up about myself and said all the pre qualified points and all she wanted to know is where i got the clothes from ??? she grabbed her bowling ball head out and said she didn't know if she would be back again. i figured it was doomed marriage.

well she came back, i felt bad for the pins i just did my manly deeds about the house, just started splitting wood for the fireplace from stuff we grabbed from places the past year, nothing says manly man like a lumberjack eh tense weekend for sure.

so she e-mailed me the next day asked all the questions i answered that day, e-mailed her back went downstairs prolly after writing a post here and talked it out and offered a DADT to keep it private, she agreed and moved on from their.

now i will recommend that you tell her your transgender, transvestite does not do us justice on web searches, crossdressers not much better.

if you decide to chicken out at the very least pen a note and answer her questions and keep it with your stash, will give them peace of mind knowing you were not cheating and getting into devious behavior to worry about STDs and such. no shame if you cant do the face to face.....same pertinent information was addressed.

this is how it went for me, nothing like the other examples from above......so your mileage may vary....

[Aunt Kelly]

I never kept it a secret. From the time our relationship first looked to be getting serious, the woman who is now my wife has known about my TG nature. As I learned more about myself and the extent of that nature, I have shared it. I am utterly convinced that without that kind of honesty and trust, we would not be together today. Being TG a big deal, in so many ways. If you keep it a secret, that act alone is, as we see over and over here, can be nothing but an insult to the relationship. Whatever understanding and support that might have been there will be much harder to come by, if it can be found at all, once the betrayal is discovered.

[Beverley Sims]

It was easy for me I was already out to some extent and appeared as a girl often before I was married.

[Rochal Tukque]

Hi Jenny contrary I don't think there is any absolute's or false assumptions here based only one person actions. I think their are many outside forces at play. Such as Society programming and peer group pressure. Transgender and CD are red hot button issues. As a friend said we might have been born about fifty years too early. As for me I've been dressing to some degree all my life. My coming out to my wife of twenty years started two years ago with a mammogram for lump in one breast. The radiologist explaining the presence of female breast tissue and a calcified milk gland was the lump. So I took the opportunity on that to reveal the rest. My wife being an amateur astrologer looked at me and said You have a strong feminine aspect in your birth chart and I was wondering how and when it was going to manifest it's self. The only question she asked if I was attracted to men. I'm not. Her knowledge of astrology overrode the common Society misconceptions and let me truly be an individual. She says she likes my vibes when I'm dressed in femme. I'm not passable but we still go out. Hugs

[Shayla]

1. Understand as much as possible where you want to go with dressing (when, where, how much, what you want to do, who will know, how much will it cost, etc). Be honest with yourself first.
2. Articulate with confidence what you feel and what you have discovered about yourself.
3. Be honest. Don't try to sugarcoat anything/leave details out that could haunt you later. Trust is key.
In other words, the opposite of what I did. good luck.

[Macey]

CDing came late to me in life. Hit me by surprise.

I always knew I had a feminine side and didn't particularly shy away from it. My wife knew this too and knew it was as much a part of me as everything else. We fell in love with each other. I didn't fall in love with a 'woman' nor did she with a 'man', we fell in love with each other.

From the start of our relationship we'd built a history of loving each other, always. Trusting each other, always. Open with each other, always. And supporting each other's growth and explorations, always. Doesn't mean we don't come to loggerheads over one thing or another from time to time, but we're in love with the persons within, not with the image presented to the world.

One day, she had discarded a blouse. I snagged it and tried it on. Wore it that day and again the following week and I knew there was going to be more of this.

One day, about a month into this, she discovered the blouse tucked deep in my dresser. Odd, she seldom goes into my dresser, but it's been known to happen. I would've revealed this to her, but in my own good time when I had understood it better myself, but it went this way instead. With incredible sensitivity she asked me about it and with a history of being open with each other already long established, I opened up to her as best as possible about my feelings and we had a long talk about it.

Since then, she has supported and encouraged me every step of the way. She picks out as many clothes for me as I do for myself. She now even asks me my opinions on her outfits and make-up from time to time. She's picked out my wigs and brought me for my first pedicure (was in drab, but it was so relaxing!)

On Saturdays, I'm off and she's working, so I go extra to 'doll up' and she gets to come home to a clean house, home cooked meal, and a pretty wife (as pretty as I can manage) and she delights in this every bit as much as when I am about my mannish pursuits.

We fell in love with each other as people. The whole package, not just the image of what the rest of the world sees.

[SaraLin]

The "Big Reveal" hasn't happened... and probably never will.

I told her about my CD'ing when we were dating and before we got serious. She set some "ground rules" of what was acceptable and what was not: Panties, ok - Nighties, ok - anything more than that, she doesn't want to see.

Other than a couple minor incidents of trying on a skirt or dress, she hasn't seen me in anything beyond the agreed-upon limits. Even though I'm in nighties daily and panties always, I haven't been in bra, dress, wig, or makeup in a L-O-N-G time (and never when she's around).

Do I miss being able to dress more fully? Yes.
Can I live without it? Yes.

My limited dressing keeps the pressure from building up too much. I can still feel feminine at least a little bit while still being the man she wants.

I'm sure she'd like it if I stopped entirely, and I KNOW I'd like it if I could be free to express the 'real' me. But- the compromise we've reached is acceptable and only a little uncomfortable for both of us, and because we love each other, we make it work.

Oh - one more thing... she found pictures of me dressed up (on the computer, where else?) and was NOT happy about it, but stopped short of making me get rid of them, and saying she "never wanted to see them again" (My thoughts were "well don't snoop around in my files" but of course I didn't say that out loud )

[GretchenM]

I told my wife about it around a month or so after I realized I had to come to grips with who I was and stop fighting and denying it. At the time I was terribly confused about how to deal with it and how to tell her. I really don't recall that much about the first conversations, what I said or what she said. My brain was kind of numb. But I told her about my childhood and some of the events in my past that involved gender shifts that were intense. I revealed that I had always hid it and hated that it happened to me. Lots of anger during those times that the girl in me made me do things that were not consistent with the image I wanted to have - a normal male. I apologized for the secrecy. I concluded by telling her that I wanted to go to therapy as soon as possible.

She was obviously confused and hurt, but having been married for 44 years and having us work through so many other difficulties successfully she wanted to give me a chance and see where it went. She was already familiar with the fact that this sometimes happens and had read quite a bit about how others had dealt with it. Acceptance? Absolutely not. Resistance? Not that either. Basically, just a another one of those problems that married couples need to deal with once in awhile. Basically, a concerned observer that would help when she could but no desire to let me have my way, whatever that was. Fair enough.

I found a therapist and my wife went as well to some sessions with another therapist to help her deal with the revelation. That helped. Her biggest problem was my dishonesty of not revealing this earlier. There were never threats or arguing. At the time she was a teacher who dealt with special education of kids with severe affective disorders and so she had that perspective and professional background and a desire to help but no desire to encourage me or restrict me. She helped me deal with some of the feelings, but she wanted nothing to do with my actual dressing. It was wait and see what comes out of therapy.

It took about six months of therapy, both personal and group, and a lot of effort and research on my part to get to the point of being stable again. Then came the DADT policy, but in time that restriction was lifted some so long as I used good judgement about who I told. Been that way ever since - 6 years. It has worked out well on the whole. She accepts that I am a type of trans person, but certainly doesn't like that fact very much. We just had our 50th anniversary and our relationship is nominal. I don't press the issue. We don't discuss it, but she accepts my very limited expression of my gender. As I present a quite mild non-binary appearance and that is very comfortable for me at this time it works pretty well. Not perfect. Sometimes I want a bit more, but I have all kinds of techniques I use to satisfy those urges without doing things that might offend her. It is very workable, but not ideal. She allows me room and I respect her wishes and perspective.

[kimdl93]

I don't think there is a right way....but probably many wrong ways. In my case, I thought I was easing along over years....starting with panties and stockings.... eventually some tops....and light make up. The turning point seemed to be when I bought breast forms and my first wig...things changed for us. She saw me in a different way, and to use her words, the sight was etched in her mind.

[Sabrina133]

Ive posted this in other places but ... I've had one LTR with my SO not knowing at first but finding out later. In this case, it did not go well and we broke in a very nasty way. I met my now wife at an LGBTQ event hosted by a family member. I was en femme when we met so I did not have to go through the revelation with her. At first we were just friends but it grew to love and eventually marriage.

[Robertacd]

I am one of the lucky ones... First off my "big reveal" did not come out of nowhere, I had worked it into bedroom play here and there. When I did reveal my wife understood what a big secret it was and why I was so afraid to tell her. (I have been dressing and hiding it all my life) I am lucky to have her, but my wife's acceptance has not been all rainbows and unicorns. I listened to her took her fears and desire into account, I even reigned it in for some time. But it never went away and I think that helped a lot in the "this is real, not a fetish" department. Speaking of "not a fetish" I believe that my dressing style helped a lot with her eventual full acceptance, as I always dressed to be me, dressed like a woman my age would dress, no fetish outfits, no stripper heals, or stuff like that.

The OP seems to be looking for some magic debate angle that won our supporting SO's over. I don't think there is one besides be honest and remember that it's not all about us.

[Jenny22]

My post was difficult to frame. In reply to Micki_Finn's comment, she's absolutely correct in that it is up to the SO to be inclined to accept or reject. I tried to cover that option by adding, "...as well as what was her background persona, beliefs, attitude, etc..". But the CD's or trans male's initial reveal may very well make a favorable impression on the SO to the extent that she becomes open minded and is at least willing to listen further rather then dismiss it outright, initially. It was in this regard that my questions were intended.

[Teresa]

Jenny,
For many of us we are in a no win situation , there is no right time . I was going to say to tell them what exactly , many of us don't know the truth until we reach this point , being buried deep in the closet or as I called it solitary confinement what exactly were we admitting to ? On the surface we are possibly saying we're not all men anymore but then it's very hard to answer what the alternative is . To me it was like a millstone lifted from my shoulders but then it doesn't get any easier because you have new decisions to make and other people to consider more . Counselling to my wife was looking for a cure !

Sometimes I get annoyed by much of what is said in these replies , many put the onus totally on our shoulders , it's all our fault but most of us had no choice in this . People put their hands up almost piously and say I was totally honest and above board before I married , if only it was as naively simple as that . Love and honesty is a two way siutation , I'm sure I was like many, we get to our wits end we don't know where to turn to , who to talk to , our partners/ wives are the ones we love and the ones that tell us they love us some of us have a frightening reality when those cards are dealt !

Looking for rights and wrongs and the mistakes we made is down to individual circumstances , the sad outcome for me is I possibly married the wrong person 44 years ago . In my case it would have been a mistake to remain in my marriage any longer , while I'm not saying that applies to everyone just ask yourself the question if the compromises you accept to stay married are a mistake on not . Sometimes we have to accept the damage is done and nothing on this Earth is going to put it right . Love is one thing but trust is just as important .

Maybe I am slighly cynical about relationships now but I do question the honesty of the so called fortunate ones , I don't believe some are being honest with themsleves which means they are still misleading their wives .