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Thread: The Big Reveal - accepted or not by your SO

  1. #1
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    The Big Reveal - accepted or not by your SO

    There are so many stories of heartbreak, broken marriages and relationships and some of reluctant and even complete acceptance.

    However your SO found out about your CDing or being trans, what followed was critical... what you did, what you said, how you tried to explain your anguish at her now knowing, etc., as well as what was her background persona, beliefs, attitude, etc..

    If you were one of the fortunate ones, if possible, try to outline, for the benefit of many here, what you did and said that gave her the opportunity to become accepting. Be as specific as possible, so that we may be able to evaluate similarities in favorable outcomes.

    If you were NOT so fortunate, try to outline your mistakes / errors in attempting acceptance so that similarities may be evaluated in the hope that those wishing to 'come out' may not make the same mistakes / errors, if their circumstances are similar.

    This is not going to be easy. Its going to require some in depth thinking. Thanks to all who participate.

  2. #2
    Junior Member ~Renee~'s Avatar
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    I put her and my family first. I let her know this sense/need was something so vital to my well being and that I wouldn't jeopardize her or our family. Then we talked lots ... We still do. She did her own research and saw that my peace increased. She saw I became a less agitated. The result is I'm no longer forced to mute everything and if I need time for expressing she makes it happen. She discovered this sense/need is a benefit to us, not just me. In short, love, patience, compassion, and understanding goes a long way.

  3. #3
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    There’s a whole sticky thread about this with lots of good tips to help.

    The problem with your question is that is based on the false notion that acceptance is dependent on the CD’s actions. While there are a few things you can do to help, and some things you should definitely NOT do, acceptance basically comes down to the SO. Your SO is either inclined to accept or she isn’t, and for the most part, nothing we do is really going to change that.

  4. #4
    Isn't Life Grand? AllieSF's Avatar
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    Micki, I don't think that it is a false notion that acceptance is (only) dependent on the Cd's actions. I inserted the only. I think that she realizes that from the start. However, her question is a good one, because many thought about how they did their own big reveals and many probably learned after that hindsight really is more accurate than foresight. So, many may have good recommendations on words used, logistics/timing of when to reveal, how much detail to get into in first conversation, etc. As has been said by several here that bringing up something that may have been discussed before is good for the site and members because people tend to read new topics before going back to look for history, that applies to stickies too. If we said read the sticky to everyone, a lot of good threads with good responses may never be started or continued.
    Last edited by AllieSF; 04-13-2019 at 05:27 PM. Reason: Spelling

  5. #5
    Junior Member Lara A's Avatar
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    I don't know that there are any hard and fast 'good' or 'bad' ways to reveal to one's SO on this. As Micki said, they are either inclined to be accepting or not, and I do not think what we say, and/or how we say it will have any lasting impression on the eventual outcome. To a degree at the time, a little, but not anything that will cause them to have a quantum shift in how they think.
    I have done this twice now, once by design, and once by mistake, and both times would not have had different outcomes by what I said or by how I said it.
    I think unless you are with an extremely perceptive and 'with it' lady, the news is going to be quite a bombshell no matter what, and the delivery will almost certainly be overshadowed by the revelation itself.
    With my first wife for instance, she greeted the news with a mixed bag of emotions and reactions that I completely misread, until hindsight kicked in. She had been having an affair for a while anyway, and her 'acceptance' was colored by some measure of relief that she could be freed to continue her affair and possibly more, with a minimum of guilt! This I found out later, after I had previously thought she had been remarkably accepting.
    My second wife found out after she discovered an email from my daughter that referenced my 'alter-ego'. That was a little trickier!

  6. #6
    stone free mykell's Avatar
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    ok, ill try. its true you can take your SO to the water but you cant make them drink.....i joined nov 2013, i read stories and saw jennifer at homes story in particular, how cool....i was enamored by the wifes acceptance, my pop had just passed away, the women were rooting through his belongings and i thought WTF if i pass away and she finds all my stashes. so i decided a reveal was the way to go.

    now its late November early December so im not going to muck up the holidays with this info so ill wait until January, used jens and shelly preston has a GG story in her signature as a template and wrote down the talking points i wished to touch upon.

    now she was working at a place that had a hostile work environment so i picked a Saturday in January, the reasoning was she could chill out friday night and after i tell her she had most of the weekend to coupe with it.

    so i grew my set a balls fessed up about myself and said all the pre qualified points and all she wanted to know is where i got the clothes from ??? she grabbed her bowling ball head out and said she didn't know if she would be back again. i figured it was doomed marriage.

    well she came back, i felt bad for the pins i just did my manly deeds about the house, just started splitting wood for the fireplace from stuff we grabbed from places the past year, nothing says manly man like a lumberjack eh tense weekend for sure.

    so she e-mailed me the next day asked all the questions i answered that day, e-mailed her back went downstairs prolly after writing a post here and talked it out and offered a DADT to keep it private, she agreed and moved on from their.

    now i will recommend that you tell her your transgender, transvestite does not do us justice on web searches, crossdressers not much better.

    if you decide to chicken out at the very least pen a note and answer her questions and keep it with your stash, will give them peace of mind knowing you were not cheating and getting into devious behavior to worry about STDs and such. no shame if you cant do the face to face.....same pertinent information was addressed.

    this is how it went for me, nothing like the other examples from above......so your mileage may vary....
    ....Mykell
    i dressed like a girl and i liked it! crossdressing...theirs an app for that those who deny freedom deserve it not for themselves
    NOBODY gets a pass to blow out someone else's candle in order to make theyre's shine brighter

  7. #7
    Senior Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    I never kept it a secret. From the time our relationship first looked to be getting serious, the woman who is now my wife has known about my TG nature. As I learned more about myself and the extent of that nature, I have shared it. I am utterly convinced that without that kind of honesty and trust, we would not be together today. Being TG a big deal, in so many ways. If you keep it a secret, that act alone is, as we see over and over here, can be nothing but an insult to the relationship. Whatever understanding and support that might have been there will be much harder to come by, if it can be found at all, once the betrayal is discovered.
    Well, somebody has to make up that base of the bell curve that defines "normal".
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  8. #8
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    It was easy for me I was already out to some extent and appeared as a girl often before I was married.
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  9. #9
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    Hi Jenny contrary I don't think there is any absolute's or false assumptions here based only one person actions. I think their are many outside forces at play. Such as Society programming and peer group pressure. Transgender and CD are red hot button issues. As a friend said we might have been born about fifty years too early. As for me I've been dressing to some degree all my life. My coming out to my wife of twenty years started two years ago with a mammogram for lump in one breast. The radiologist explaining the presence of female breast tissue and a calcified milk gland was the lump. So I took the opportunity on that to reveal the rest. My wife being an amateur astrologer looked at me and said You have a strong feminine aspect in your birth chart and I was wondering how and when it was going to manifest it's self. The only question she asked if I was attracted to men. I'm not. Her knowledge of astrology overrode the common Society misconceptions and let me truly be an individual. She says she likes my vibes when I'm dressed in femme. I'm not passable but we still go out. Hugs

  10. #10
    Member Shayla's Avatar
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    1. Understand as much as possible where you want to go with dressing (when, where, how much, what you want to do, who will know, how much will it cost, etc). Be honest with yourself first.
    2. Articulate with confidence what you feel and what you have discovered about yourself.
    3. Be honest. Don't try to sugarcoat anything/leave details out that could haunt you later. Trust is key.
    In other words, the opposite of what I did. good luck.

  11. #11
    Goddess-In-Training Macey's Avatar
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    CDing came late to me in life. Hit me by surprise.

    I always knew I had a feminine side and didn't particularly shy away from it. My wife knew this too and knew it was as much a part of me as everything else. We fell in love with each other. I didn't fall in love with a 'woman' nor did she with a 'man', we fell in love with each other.

    From the start of our relationship we'd built a history of loving each other, always. Trusting each other, always. Open with each other, always. And supporting each other's growth and explorations, always. Doesn't mean we don't come to loggerheads over one thing or another from time to time, but we're in love with the persons within, not with the image presented to the world.

    One day, she had discarded a blouse. I snagged it and tried it on. Wore it that day and again the following week and I knew there was going to be more of this.

    One day, about a month into this, she discovered the blouse tucked deep in my dresser. Odd, she seldom goes into my dresser, but it's been known to happen. I would've revealed this to her, but in my own good time when I had understood it better myself, but it went this way instead. With incredible sensitivity she asked me about it and with a history of being open with each other already long established, I opened up to her as best as possible about my feelings and we had a long talk about it.

    Since then, she has supported and encouraged me every step of the way. She picks out as many clothes for me as I do for myself. She now even asks me my opinions on her outfits and make-up from time to time. She's picked out my wigs and brought me for my first pedicure (was in drab, but it was so relaxing!)

    On Saturdays, I'm off and she's working, so I go extra to 'doll up' and she gets to come home to a clean house, home cooked meal, and a pretty wife (as pretty as I can manage) and she delights in this every bit as much as when I am about my mannish pursuits.

    We fell in love with each other as people. The whole package, not just the image of what the rest of the world sees.

  12. #12
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    I told my wife about it around a month or so after I realized I had to come to grips with who I was and stop fighting and denying it. At the time I was terribly confused about how to deal with it and how to tell her. I really don't recall that much about the first conversations, what I said or what she said. My brain was kind of numb. But I told her about my childhood and some of the events in my past that involved gender shifts that were intense. I revealed that I had always hid it and hated that it happened to me. Lots of anger during those times that the girl in me made me do things that were not consistent with the image I wanted to have - a normal male. I apologized for the secrecy. I concluded by telling her that I wanted to go to therapy as soon as possible.

    She was obviously confused and hurt, but having been married for 44 years and having us work through so many other difficulties successfully she wanted to give me a chance and see where it went. She was already familiar with the fact that this sometimes happens and had read quite a bit about how others had dealt with it. Acceptance? Absolutely not. Resistance? Not that either. Basically, just a another one of those problems that married couples need to deal with once in awhile. Basically, a concerned observer that would help when she could but no desire to let me have my way, whatever that was. Fair enough.

    I found a therapist and my wife went as well to some sessions with another therapist to help her deal with the revelation. That helped. Her biggest problem was my dishonesty of not revealing this earlier. There were never threats or arguing. At the time she was a teacher who dealt with special education of kids with severe affective disorders and so she had that perspective and professional background and a desire to help but no desire to encourage me or restrict me. She helped me deal with some of the feelings, but she wanted nothing to do with my actual dressing. It was wait and see what comes out of therapy.

    It took about six months of therapy, both personal and group, and a lot of effort and research on my part to get to the point of being stable again. Then came the DADT policy, but in time that restriction was lifted some so long as I used good judgement about who I told. Been that way ever since - 6 years. It has worked out well on the whole. She accepts that I am a type of trans person, but certainly doesn't like that fact very much. We just had our 50th anniversary and our relationship is nominal. I don't press the issue. We don't discuss it, but she accepts my very limited expression of my gender. As I present a quite mild non-binary appearance and that is very comfortable for me at this time it works pretty well. Not perfect. Sometimes I want a bit more, but I have all kinds of techniques I use to satisfy those urges without doing things that might offend her. It is very workable, but not ideal. She allows me room and I respect her wishes and perspective.

  13. #13
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
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    I don't think there is a right way....but probably many wrong ways. In my case, I thought I was easing along over years....starting with panties and stockings.... eventually some tops....and light make up. The turning point seemed to be when I bought breast forms and my first wig...things changed for us. She saw me in a different way, and to use her words, the sight was etched in her mind.
    Waxing and Waning, waxing and waning, waxing....and so!

  14. #14
    Aspiring Member Sabrina133's Avatar
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    Ive posted this in other places but ... I've had one LTR with my SO not knowing at first but finding out later. In this case, it did not go well and we broke in a very nasty way. I met my now wife at an LGBTQ event hosted by a family member. I was en femme when we met so I did not have to go through the revelation with her. At first we were just friends but it grew to love and eventually marriage.

  15. #15
    Señora Member Robertacd's Avatar
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    I am one of the lucky ones... First off my "big reveal" did not come out of nowhere, I had worked it into bedroom play here and there. When I did reveal my wife understood what a big secret it was and why I was so afraid to tell her. (I have been dressing and hiding it all my life) I am lucky to have her, but my wife's acceptance has not been all rainbows and unicorns. I listened to her took her fears and desire into account, I even reigned it in for some time. But it never went away and I think that helped a lot in the "this is real, not a fetish" department. Speaking of "not a fetish" I believe that my dressing style helped a lot with her eventual full acceptance, as I always dressed to be me, dressed like a woman my age would dress, no fetish outfits, no stripper heals, or stuff like that.

    The OP seems to be looking for some magic debate angle that won our supporting SO's over. I don't think there is one besides be honest and remember that it's not all about us.
    Last edited by Robertacd; 04-23-2019 at 01:00 PM.

  16. #16
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    My post was difficult to frame. In reply to Micki_Finn's comment, she's absolutely correct in that it is up to the SO to be inclined to accept or reject. I tried to cover that option by adding, "...as well as what was her background persona, beliefs, attitude, etc..". But the CD's or trans male's initial reveal may very well make a favorable impression on the SO to the extent that she becomes open minded and is at least willing to listen further rather then dismiss it outright, initially. It was in this regard that my questions were intended.

  17. #17
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Jenny,
    For many of us we are in a no win situation , there is no right time . I was going to say to tell them what exactly , many of us don't know the truth until we reach this point , being buried deep in the closet or as I called it solitary confinement what exactly were we admitting to ? On the surface we are possibly saying we're not all men anymore but then it's very hard to answer what the alternative is . To me it was like a millstone lifted from my shoulders but then it doesn't get any easier because you have new decisions to make and other people to consider more . Counselling to my wife was looking for a cure !

    Sometimes I get annoyed by much of what is said in these replies , many put the onus totally on our shoulders , it's all our fault but most of us had no choice in this . People put their hands up almost piously and say I was totally honest and above board before I married , if only it was as naively simple as that . Love and honesty is a two way siutation , I'm sure I was like many, we get to our wits end we don't know where to turn to , who to talk to , our partners/ wives are the ones we love and the ones that tell us they love us some of us have a frightening reality when those cards are dealt !

    Looking for rights and wrongs and the mistakes we made is down to individual circumstances , the sad outcome for me is I possibly married the wrong person 44 years ago . In my case it would have been a mistake to remain in my marriage any longer , while I'm not saying that applies to everyone just ask yourself the question if the compromises you accept to stay married are a mistake on not . Sometimes we have to accept the damage is done and nothing on this Earth is going to put it right . Love is one thing but trust is just as important .

    Maybe I am slighly cynical about relationships now but I do question the honesty of the so called fortunate ones , I don't believe some are being honest with themsleves which means they are still misleading their wives .
    The real me ,no going back.

  18. #18
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Granted, some crossdressers make horrible mistakes when telling their SO's, such as thoughtlessly springing it on them (showing up dressed "as a surprise"), or passively-aggressively arranging for the SO to find out "by accident" such as finding pictures, items of makeup, or clothing. Or, by genuinely making mistakes (leaving laptops on, not cleaning up makeup stains from the bathroom sink) and having their SO's find out that the husband or boyfriend has been lying to them for years.

    You DON'T want your SO to find out without you sitting her down and specifically telling her. You also don't want to minimize the situation initially (for example telling her it's just panties), to then begin the tortuous phase of ramping up in small increments, until she knows that you do fully dress, with makeup and forms, and you would like to go out in public. This approach is truly tortuous for most SOs because of the continual "surprises". They just don't know where it will end.

    But if you avoid these potentially disastrous mistakes, the rest of it really isn't about what you can or cannot do to manipulate how your SO will take this. If you are honest about who you are and what you want, the rest is up to her. Whether a GG will accept this or not depends on her upbringing, religious beliefs, degree of liberalism or conservatism over social issues, the quality of her relationship with you, (does she feel confident in your relationship and does she feel loved by you), how long you've been in a relationship with her (is it new love or are you telling her after having lied or minimized for years).

    Your best recourse is to just be honest. Also, a degree of flexibility is best. The two of you might need to negotiate what she sees and how often you dress.
    Last edited by ReineD; 04-14-2019 at 05:10 PM.
    Reine

  19. #19
    Making a life for Tina! suchacutie's Avatar
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    I also came to the realization about Tina late in life, and it happened WITH my wife. When it suddenly dawned on us what the situation was, we were both intensely curious about where it would go. The key word in all of what happened for the next 18 months (where Tina grew from a complete surprise to a full-fledged part of our lives) was HONESTY.

    If my wife asked a question the answer was given as I felt at that moment, but was always open to modification. She often asked us the same question to see if the answer was different in each gender: mostly the answers were the same, but not always! Sometimes we asked each other questions for which the answers were "I don't know, or I hadn't thought about that", resulting in a huge amount of introspection.

    We asked a lot of questions about what made each of us comfortable with the new person in our marriage (Tina) and what didn't. That led to understandings about how far anything could go, all of that subject to experience as well. But all of it was out in the open

    We also were so very curious about the hints that Tina existed for years but we just hadn't noticed. It was fascinating to run back through my childhood looking for Tina, and the crazy places where we found her influence. We also spent a lot of time talking about growing up in the two genders, and comparing notes! Those were fantastic conversations, and besides connecting us a lot, they helped all of us to understand each other better, and helped Tina to understand about being a girl.

    Open honest curiosity and love. That seems to be what it is for us.

  20. #20
    CD/TG
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    Quote Originally Posted by Micki_Finn View Post
    Your SO is either inclined to accept or she isn’t, and for the most part, nothing we do is really going to change that.
    This is it exactly. I told my SO *before* we married (a long long time ago). She went ahead and married me anyway, but has never ever accepted it.

  21. #21
    Silver Member stephNE's Avatar
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    I started dressing early, probably at around age 5. My parents caught me and beat me many times so by high school, I only did it on rare occasions. When I got to college I was out on a date and asked the girl if I could try on some of her clothes. She was cool with it! But a while later I asked a different girl and she freaked out. So a few years later (1979) I met my wife and knew I liked her a lot. I knew I had to dress at least on occasions, so I decided I need to see if this was going to work with her. On about our third date, she asked what I wanted to do that night, and I asked her if she wanted to help/ play a little fantasy with me. And she said sure, anything would be fine. So I asked her, and she dressed me and put on makeup and we sat in the floor of her apartment and played card games all night long! I am still married to her, 40 years later. She has accepted it, and even goes out with me as Stephanie.
    Stephanie

  22. #22
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    Thank you Reine. It is great to hear your perspective.

    Stephanie, that is probably one of the most beautiful approaches I have ever heard of. Wow! It considers both sides and the interaction between each in such a respectful way.

  23. #23
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    This is my greatest fear, being discovered. I am new to a lot of this, so am trying to determine which path I follow. Coming out to my wife of 35+ years would be so difficult. She would not approve and I am certain end our marriage. I feel nothing I could do or say could change this. She is very liberal but I think will have trouble if she discovered her husband is not exactly who she thought he was.

    I applaud those of you that have opened up to your wives.

  24. #24
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Charleene View Post
    This is my greatest fear, being discovered. I am new to a lot of this, so am trying to determine which path I follow. Coming out to my wife of 35+ years would be so difficult. She would not approve and I am certain end our marriage. I feel nothing I could do or say could change this. She is very liberal but I think will have trouble if she discovered her husband is not exactly who she thought he was.

    I applaud those of you that have opened up to your wives.
    Hi Charleene,
    You are about in the same time period as my husband when he started CDing, (more than 35 years after we were married). After being married so long, it was definitely a big surprise (to say the least). We had our ups and downs, there was definitely a learning curve, but I would highly recommend not hiding this from your wife. Please re-read Reine's post about what not to do because if you start down this road, your wife is bound to find out sooner or later.

    from Reine:
    Your best recourse is to just be honest. Also, a degree of flexibility is best. The two of you might need to negotiate what she sees and how often you dress.

  25. #25
    Member Mermaiden's Avatar
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    For me it has been a work in progress. It started with me asking her if I could wear panties. I was nervous as hell, but she viewed it as a benign fetish and we had fun going on a shopping trip together. I thought it was just about panties, but it has evolved. I asked about camisoles and was given a clear “No”, and I didn’t bring up bras. I asked later about sleep wear and she said “yes”, but she didn’t seem happy with it, so I stopped wearing nightgowns around her.
    A few years ago my work situation changed where I now am out of town 1/3 of the time. After hours on those days, I wear dresses, skirts, bras, night gowns, etc. I have told her I have a dress and she but didnt ask details so I let it drop.
    She’s still ok with panties and knows I do more. I support her in any way I can, but I take care not to push things where she isn’t comfortable. This seems to work.

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