Came Out Today

[BTWimRobin]

It has been bugging me to no end about not being upfront with my wife while I try to come to terms with my female side. I don't like keeping things from her.

An opportunity presented itself this morning and I came out to my wife. I told her about my female side and how she laid dormant for many years and over the past several years has been trying to come out. Wifey was very supportive. She said that she always knew I had a feminine side and thought I would make a good woman. Although she thinks I would look terrible in a dress. We did not talk about me dressing specifically but from our conversation it didn't seem out of the question. We did talk about the possibility of seeking some professional help/counseling. Baby steps.

I am glad I told her. Maybe now I can sleep at night.

Hugs,
Robin

[Tracii G]

Thats great so yes take it slow and don't push too hard.
Pro help sounds like a good idea and it might help her understand a bit better.

[GracieRose]

Robin,
I'm so glad to hear that you got a supportive reaction. I hope this makes life a bit less stressful.
Traci has some good advice. It would be easy to move too fast after your wife's reaction. This is a lot for her to adjust to, so give her time to get her mind around it.
-Peace
-Gracie

[Micki_Finn]

It’s a step! I’ll give you the warning. You said your discussion did not specifically address dressing, and yet she volunteered “You’d look terrible in a dress”. RED FLAG! WARNING! The snake is rattling and the klaxons are blaring.

This comment, in all likelihood, did NOT mean that she legitimately thinks you would look bad in a dress. If she’s a woman she knows there are dresses that will compliment virtually anybody type. To me, this comment means “I don’t want you to start wearing dresses”.

Take this as you will, but a lot of girls here tend to miss communicative subtleties.

[Stiletto Gurl]

Congrats!! It seems you and I both have loving accepting wives this week! I just posted a very similar outcome after telling my wife. She even offered to buy me items that she said would compliment my shape well, so I could underdress more easily.

[RADER]

Robin;
You made the first big jump. That is great. Like others above said, go slow.
Let her digest the fact. ask if you can wear panties, or a cameo under your
regular clothes.
My wife was OK with my dressing, as long as I never left the house. Have some rules
the both of can live with.
Good luck
Rader

[Macey]

Slow, slow, slow! Take your tine, lot's of conversations to come!

Micki's caution is sound, but it doesn't mean that it's off the table … just means that you need to have more discussion! When I came clean with my wife, she was very supportive as well, but mentioned that she didn't particularly want me to get breast forms. I told her that I really wanted them and would likely get them anyway. Now, several months down the road, and wearing then at home quite regularly, she helped me pick out the second set I bought! Recently, I told her that I was going to try gluing them and see how it goes. It went badly, lol. When she asked how it went, I told her not good. SHE was disappointed! More so than me! A little like how bad you feel when your see a small child lose a balloon … the kid might feel bad, but your heart breaks for them! Lol.

Anyway, things change. Love is love. If you love each other, respect each other, truly support each other, you'll be okay … even if there are times that are difficult.

[Becoming Brianna]

I agree. Congratulations and take things slow! I do agree with some of the warnings posted that she may not be ready to see you fully dressed but she definitely will need time to process all of this just as my parents did. With time she may become more accepting but be prepared and willing to have those conversations and be honest with yourself. I'm sure you will be! But for now just enjoy the relief and peace of mind that she now knows you have unburdened yourself and she hasn't totally rejected you. If you can afford it and have time for it counseling would be a good idea as well. I wish you nothing but the best Robin!

[alwayshave]

Robin, that sounds like a very positive conversation. I would keep the lines of communication open and listen to her issues.

[GretchenM]

It is a wonderful step when you can release all that energy that has been bottled up and even better when your wife is supportive. A couple of months after my coming out I went to therapy for a few months and also a support group. Very helpful, especially the support group. I highly recommend taking that course.

As others have said, take it slow. It is a big step for you and one that can make us a bit preoccupied with our new found freedom. We can be occupied with ourselves and lose track of the effect of what we are doing on others. But this is very new to your wife and she needs some adjustment time just to get used to the idea that you are CD or TG. Her comment that she thinks you would look terrible in a dress indicates a bit of uncertainty on her part. Give her time to adjust and you will continue to have her support.

[NancySue]

Great first step. I can’t add anything to what’s already been posted....all good advice, especially...take it slow..best

[Charleene]

I am very happy for you, very brave on your part. Gives those of us in closets some hope. Hope your relationship continues to grow.

[JaclynL61]

Congrats Robin. That first step is the hardest. As you and others have said, baby steps.

[Crissy 107]

Robin, You will have to let us know how you are doing in a week or so

[ossian]

Congratulations Robin!

For the most part I'm happy I came out. Initially I thought my wife would dump me, it would get out I would never be employable, ect..... Fill in all of the self doubt language here..... But it was a weight off my shoulders.

My wife and I took it very slowly. We've been married for 25 years and are still married. She was understandably shocked. She thought she married a male not this gender fluid creature that I've been struggling with all of my life. But we got through it and have moved on. We've even been to a number of TG meetings in town.

All the best to you and your wife.

[BTWimRobin]

OMG Ladies! Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement. I plan on taking it slow and see what additional conversations happen. I have to admit that I have been very preoccupied and I'm trying not to let it cloud my vision.
Hugs,
Robin

[Judy-Somthing]

I hope things work out for you!

I am so addicted to dressing up but the wife thinks it's sick so I went back in the closet.
I bought two dresses today and I was looking at them and the wife got home early so I ditched them.
She thought I looked like a "Dear in the headlights" and started digging around and came so close to finding the dresses.
She missed them by a few feet.
She says she knows somethings up and she hates it! I wish she would accept who I am. I think I'm a pretty good person, just a little crazy!

[Crissy 107]

Judy, I think we are all pretty good people and at least some of us are a little bit crazy. Just the way it is.

[Becoming Brianna]

Judy, if you think you're crazy simply because you dress I have news for you: You're not. Gender non-conforming behavior is not a mental illness... All it means is that we choose to express ourselves differently from most people. It doesn't make us wrong or bad we're just different like everyone else... Not everyone likes sports, not everyone enjoys musicals, not everyone conforms perfectly to their assigned gender. It happens, it's always happened, it will continue to happen. It takes all kinds of people in this world and we're all valid.

[abbiedrake]

Congrats on the big step. It's always a relief to not have to lie.
However, I share Micki's view that your wife is quietly signalling she doesn't want you dressing. Some women are better at the theory than the practice and while they like to talk acceptance it's far from easy for some. Even if you've always known your wife to be as Liberal as they come, things take on a different complexion when it's the man she married.
Don't want to rain on your parade, but I rather add a voice of caution that maybe helps you avoid a pitfall and a world of hurt than only call out the congrats.
All that said, I do hope this marks a new era for you and your wife.

[Crissy 107]

What Robin’s wife said could be as simple as she does not want him to jump into this head first.

[BTWimRobin]

Hi All,

Just to clear something up. When my wife said to me I would look terrible in a dress she meant just that. There is no hidden meaning. It's one of the qualities about her that I love. She speaks her mind and doesn't beat around the bush. Honestly, if were to just slip a dress on, it would be a pretty scary site .... add some padding, makeup, wig, and heels, we might have a small shot.

Cheers,
Robin

[Karmen]

Good for you. I hope everything goes well long term. Maybe you should try with underdressing first, so she would get used to see female stuff on you and go from there onwards.

[ClosetED]

Glad to hear of her acceptance. But be careful - if you learn how to look terrific instead of terrible in a dress, she might view things differently. Let her move things along if possible.
Hugs, Ellen

[phili]

My wife said I could be as feminine as i want, but I [actually, not speculatively! ] look terrible in a dress. And, that it terrifies her.

As I think I look wonderful in a dress, and she can't seem to name the terror - beyond being shamed. But that is enough terror, I have pondered her words for a year. I have also tried to soften her rejection by dressing around her - and she specifically said that she thought that is what I was doing and it wouldn't work, as she simply did not want to get used to me wearing a dress.

I do understand her now, ironically as a result of gradually feeling thoroughly womanly, which has been helped by spending a good amount of time with women, including when wearing a dress. I can feel as a woman how disruptive it is for a man to be meddling in my territory.

1. "Sure- be feminine!" She was initially happy that I didn't want to be macho when macho isn't required. My wife's view of 'femininity' desires in a male is that they will listen for once, cry in movies, say what they really feel, ask for help, be sympathetic and helpful, etc.
2. "Don't you dare where a dress." Wearing a dress means to her that I am confused about my sexual identity, which is different and problematic since she sees herself as a female with a male. Females learn that dresses and other items are the signs and symbols of being female. Ovaries, mammary glands, periods, life as a second class citizen but...and lots more. Feminine manners and clothing are the accepted and ironclad styling for females, period. It fulfills and defines and ensures their place in society - as a result of attracting and bonding with a desirable male. She has spent years perfecting that role- and- despite all the complaints about second class treatment---- what? you want to wear a dress???

All this is the initial state, and all those years of gender training and expectations don't melt away when a husband comes out. There are layers and layers in each of you involved, and mixed emotions, most of which are very strong. Women also understand that dresses are a uniform, a costume, a 'look at me' statement, a cultural expectation, an expensive and inconvenient bother, a delight, etc. And that all of this is part of the cultural package of 'females are feminine' gender mythology, and the cultural division of labor, etc. But unless she has a strong sense of self apart from that and a great desire to explore the gender unknown with you, your wife. may press for suppression of the desire for a dress and even have difficulty talking in much detail about what you or she are feeling.

My wife and I are going to counseling, which has not actually brought her any closer to understanding or accepting, but the therapist acceptance has been beneficial i that it is understood that he accepts it, and she loves and feels safe with him. . I love seeing my wife happy, so I have curtailed my dressing, but it is clear that I have to go out for my acceptance, which she doesn't like, but also feels she has let me down. She is able to live with compartmentalizing, rather than eradicating, my gender fluidity, so I can too.

By going out in society and giving myself full permission to feel what I feel, and taking all opportunities to dress, I no longer feel imprisoned. It is more like I am putting up with the typical compromises that women have to make.