Came Out Today

[Karmen]

Good for you. I hope everything goes well long term. Maybe you should try with underdressing first, so she would get used to see female stuff on you and go from there onwards.

[phili]

My wife said I could be as feminine as i want, but I [actually, not speculatively! ] look terrible in a dress. And, that it terrifies her.

As I think I look wonderful in a dress, and she can't seem to name the terror - beyond being shamed. But that is enough terror, I have pondered her words for a year. I have also tried to soften her rejection by dressing around her - and she specifically said that she thought that is what I was doing and it wouldn't work, as she simply did not want to get used to me wearing a dress.

I do understand her now, ironically as a result of gradually feeling thoroughly womanly, which has been helped by spending a good amount of time with women, including when wearing a dress. I can feel as a woman how disruptive it is for a man to be meddling in my territory.

1. "Sure- be feminine!" She was initially happy that I didn't want to be macho when macho isn't required. My wife's view of 'femininity' desires in a male is that they will listen for once, cry in movies, say what they really feel, ask for help, be sympathetic and helpful, etc.
2. "Don't you dare where a dress." Wearing a dress means to her that I am confused about my sexual identity, which is different and problematic since she sees herself as a female with a male. Females learn that dresses and other items are the signs and symbols of being female. Ovaries, mammary glands, periods, life as a second class citizen but...and lots more. Feminine manners and clothing are the accepted and ironclad styling for females, period. It fulfills and defines and ensures their place in society - as a result of attracting and bonding with a desirable male. She has spent years perfecting that role- and- despite all the complaints about second class treatment---- what? you want to wear a dress???

All this is the initial state, and all those years of gender training and expectations don't melt away when a husband comes out. There are layers and layers in each of you involved, and mixed emotions, most of which are very strong. Women also understand that dresses are a uniform, a costume, a 'look at me' statement, a cultural expectation, an expensive and inconvenient bother, a delight, etc. And that all of this is part of the cultural package of 'females are feminine' gender mythology, and the cultural division of labor, etc. But unless she has a strong sense of self apart from that and a great desire to explore the gender unknown with you, your wife. may press for suppression of the desire for a dress and even have difficulty talking in much detail about what you or she are feeling.

My wife and I are going to counseling, which has not actually brought her any closer to understanding or accepting, but the therapist acceptance has been beneficial i that it is understood that he accepts it, and she loves and feels safe with him. . I love seeing my wife happy, so I have curtailed my dressing, but it is clear that I have to go out for my acceptance, which she doesn't like, but also feels she has let me down. She is able to live with compartmentalizing, rather than eradicating, my gender fluidity, so I can too.

By going out in society and giving myself full permission to feel what I feel, and taking all opportunities to dress, I no longer feel imprisoned. It is more like I am putting up with the typical compromises that women have to make.

[Beverley Sims]

A bit more talking and things could improve for you.

At least there was not downright disapproval.

[ClosetED]

Glad to hear of her acceptance. But be careful - if you learn how to look terrific instead of terrible in a dress, she might view things differently. Let her move things along if possible.
Hugs, Ellen