Need help figuring out the “other” side of things.

[Eve_cd]

So, I’m 39, and married happily (for the most part). My wife accepts that this is a part of me and is accepting to a point. She attended first event with me, and we make time for Eve to get out of her box here and there. We have discussed opening our marriage to accommodate the fact that this has always been sexually rooted for me, and that Eve does nothing for her in the bedroom. (Not her thing, we tried.) We have agreed that the only way to find out how important that experience is, is to try it. Due to our large family, making time is not so simple, so the “standard model” of going out, meeting people and letting connections grow is not ideal. I tried putting some ads out there, but got little response (1 that ghosted as soon as “married but it’s cool” came up). Any advice? Similar experiences? Magical personal ad template with guaranteed success? Anything? Thanks in advance,

-Eve

[DTelia]

Opening your marriage? Please explain.

[Eve_cd]

Allowing other sexual partners.

[Tracii G]

Why do you feel you have to do that?
If you love each other why have sex with others and invite personal troubles and possible venereal diseases?
Just because you CD or feel you might be trans doesn't mean you have to have sex with many people.
Putting ads out on Craig's List or some social site is asking for trouble trust me.

[DTelia]

Sounds like shutting your marriage down to me. Also sounds like this is all about you. And you're willing to risk the your family over your selfish desires?

Sad. Please reevaluate and reconsider this foolish, reckless, and in my opinion, immoral behavior.

[Eve_cd]

I’m not trying to find “many people”. I’m trying to find out if the experience is important/significant enough to be considered when deciding what our limits are. This isn’t a spur of the moment thing, we’ve been discussing it for a couple of years now. For my wife, Eve is the antithesis of arousal. To the extent that it affected how she responds to me in male mode. The “opening” or consideration of a polyamorous relationship is already a thing in motion, we’re just trying to find out exactly how it’s all going to work.

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

Sounds like shutting your marriage down to me. Also sounds like this is all about you. And you're willing to risk the your family over your selfish desires?

Sad. Please reevaluate and reconsider this foolish, reckless, and in my opinion, immoral behavior.

Actually, most of this stems from my wife’s fervent belief that me living an authentic life, is better for all of us. And that to live that life, I/we have to be sure what that is. We have a connection that will not break(believe me, life has tried) and are committed to raising our family together regardless of what dynamic our relationship takes on.

[Tracii G]

Bother to think how it will affect your kids?
The whole "I need to live authentically" is kind of a selfish thing on your part so there is the "all about you " thing raising its head.
You say you want to raise your family but you are willing to bring other sexual partners into your home I find that a bit "out there" because you are subjecting your kids to have to deal with your sexual fetish.
Thats not fair to them IMO.

[Eve_cd]

Thank you for your perspective. This is not something I intend to expose my children to unless my path is clearly revealed to be trans. I must say, though, that reducing this aspect of myself that I have dealt with for better than 3/4 of my life, to a fetish, seems like not the kind of thing we should be doing to each other. I’m not talking about sneaking around. My wife is apprehensive about what this all means, but it was HER suggestion. This relationship dynamic isn’t for everyone, but that doesn’t mean it’s bad. There’s a lot more clarity, openness, and emotional accountability than most examples I’ve seen of the traditional model. I can honestly say, that just having the discussion that led to this point, has made our marriage stronger than ever.

[DTelia]

Thank you for your perspective. This is not something I intend to expose my children to unless my path is clearly revealed to be trans. I must say, though, that reducing this aspect of myself that I have dealt with for better than 3/4 of my life, to a fetish, seems like not the kind of thing we should be doing to each other. I’m not talking about sneaking around. My wife is apprehensive about what this all means, but it was HER suggestion. This relationship dynamic isn’t for everyone, but that doesn’t mean it’s bad. There’s a lot more clarity, openness, and emotional accountability than most examples I’ve seen of the traditional model. I can honestly say, that just having the discussion that led to this point, has made our marriage stronger than ever.

That's some crazy rationalization man. Everything you've said, appears this is all about you. If you cared about your children and your family, you wouldn't pursue something that could significantly impact them...your role as a father, your example as a steward and protector of their welfare. Life already has it's challenges and you want to do this? And because it's HER suggestion, that mean's it's ok??? Step up man, be her husband and be their father. Unreal.

[Tracii G]

Basically you are not sure about much of anything at this point so how about talking with a gender therapist.
You both should go and discuss this with a professional.
Your first responsibility is to your kids and to raise them in as normal a home life as you can.You owe them that.
What you described at first being a sexual thing for you and your wife not really into it sounds like its a fetish you have.
You may not want to hear it that way but thats what it sounds like to me.
If you aren't sure you are trans then more than likely you aren't. Sounds more like you are bisexual and wanting your cake and eating it too. Just my thoughts.
I'm not doing anything to you but giving you the truth and maybe you just don't want to hear it.
I actually am trying to help you see that what you are thinking is maybe not the best thing for your marriage and your family.

[Vickie_CDTV]

It sounds like the wife wants this, not Eve, because the crossdressing turns her off (and perhaps wants a "real man".)

Without being judgmental about an open relationship, it sounds like a very bad idea. Others have tried this, and it doesn't end well for most. Jealousy becomes a big issue. I wouldn't do anything to risk the marriage, the kids deserve an intact family. They are the highest priority.

[Macey]

Full disclosure: My wife and I are fiercely monogamous, so it's difficult for me to understand polyamory …

But …

I come from a spiritual social group where polyamory is uncommon, but accepted. For most, they think polyamory is okay, but the truth is that it is exceptionally difficult to manage. Also, since it goes against the grain for most of society, there isn't as much of a well developed support network to navigate this. Very few couples can do this without serious issues, but it can happen. It requires an unprecedented level of deep, open communication and trust from all parties concerned. If you go into it with any degree of other underlaying issues the whole situation can conflagrate badly. Even one 'go around' with an additional partner can trigger long term deep rooted relationship strain so do think very carefully on this one! If you or your wife are not 100% on board, then things can go bad very quickly.

Sometimes fantasies and desires are best left as that. Acting upon them without every sense of caution can be a bad idea, and even with every precaution they can still go horribly awry.

We all deserve to be happy, we all deserve to follow our bliss, but right now you and your wife have a higher priority: raising your children. Yes, your activities will be shielded from them, but it will still affect your family dynamic. I'd advise putting this on hold until those babies are grown and leaving the nest.

Considering that there are other issues related to gender identity and expression, and how that already affects your relationship, I'd consider seeing a therapist on this before acting rashly. Seeing a therapist doesn't mean anything is wrong, there is no shame in it, it just means that it is wise to consider help in navigating unfulfilled needs and emotionally processing how to proceed.

[GretchenM]

Eve, I believe you two have the right to pursue whatever lifestyle you wish, experimentally or permanently. But I have to agree with others that you two are making a huge mistake and you are not considering the possible consequences of this action. This sounds a lot like fantasy fulfillment by throwing all caution to the wind. There appears to be a lot of selfishness here but with a rationalization that makes it seem to be the wife's decision to do this for you. I recognize that is entirely possible, but it is not a healthy way to go or something that is appropriate for people with kids hanging around. To me, it just doesn't smell right. I agree with others that I think you need to see a family therapist and possibly a gender therapist before moving forward with this choice.

[Teresa]

Eve,
I really think you need to sit down and decide what the whole Cding/TG issues mean to you . You don't appear to have a clear picture and your wife apears to be making the wrong assumptions . The bottom line is the situation about being TG or is it basically about sex ?

I do feel you might be letting your wife make the wrong decisions to appease you , not many wives do allow it to happen in the bedroom but that shouldn't mean you have to find a third party to satisfy your sexual needs . It's not the ideal solution but self sex is a far safer compromise .

I don't want to give your hard time but don't forget many of us have been in similar situations , at your age my family and busines came first , dressing was very much on the backburner , I admit it was hell at times but at least no one can accuse me of not being a good husband and father , that does mean some tough compromises at times .

[Jodie_Lynn]

I'm not going to preach to you about what you should or shouldn't do, it's your life and marriage, only you know the situation intimately.

It seems that you may be curious and experimenting but I wonder if you fully understand all the possible repercussions. Putting ads out suggests you are looking for a hook up, which would indicate that you want to see what it is like to be the woman for a man. Just be careful what you wish for...

You state that it is your wife who suggested an open marriage, ever stop to wonder why? Maybe she doesn't want to hurt you, and maybe she wants to be supportive of the 'authentic' you. However, there is the possibility that she is looking for an out. Whether that means you realizing that you are Bi, or gay, or trans, or that she finds what is to her, a "real man" who doesn't want to be feminine. Or... she is going to use this as a reason for divorce.

You also say that your kids don't need to know unless... Kids are pretty damn intuitive, and if there is a change in the normal routine of the household, be prepared to answer questions.
"Where is Mom going late at night?"
"Why is Dad not home yet?
"What did Mom get all dressed up for? On a Tuesday night? While Dad is at home?"

Do as you will, I'm not judging you. Just don't be surprised if things don't turn out as you hope.

[Majella St Gerard]

From my personal experience, 2 marriages, an open relationship is doomed to fail.

[char GG]

Hi Eve,

Obviously I don't know you or your wife but in your previous posts, you indicate that you have six kids. A couple with a large family is a huge responsibility, only you two can decide what you do and don't do but as others have said, your children may know more than you think they know.

This is just me, but if my husband were to push for an encounter like you are describing, I would definitely NOT be on board with this situation. My personal feelings do not align with your wife's. I hope it was not "her idea" because she felt intimidated into suggesting such a thing. Maybe she would benefit by coming to this forum.

Anyway, you will do what you are going to do. However, I would caution you to do your research. There was a horrific incident in Grand Rapids, MI a few years ago that started with a couple seeking an encounter on Craig's List and it ended very badly. You can do your own research. Just a word of caution: don't become a news story.

[Micki_Finn]

Advice? Yes. DONT. Don’t bring sex into it, especially when you haven’t figured out all the other parts yet. There’s about an 80% chance that the fantasy is better than the reality anyway.

[Jean 103]

This is a really bad idea.

Open relationships? What I have seen and experienced do not work. Someone gets hurt or finds someone else.

Newsflash, men and women look at sex differently. As you have said this has already damaged your marriage. Continue down this path and kiss it all good bye.

On the bright side, you will be able to do anything you want.

[Bobbi46]

Open marriage? not a good idea through my work i had to deal with the aftermath of such, this couple started to have an open marriage (it was her idea) and found a swingers group, the husband soon grew a dislike to his wife having sexual times with different men and wanted her to stop, she would not neither did she want a divorce, how did it end? he murdered his wife.
A bit extreme (this actually happened) but this is an example of what could happen to you ( not the killing bit) but the open lifestyle might not be what is needed and could have a detrimental efect on your marriage that is if things are getting a bit wobbly now, seeking out what you are talking about does not to me seem to be the right way.
I think you both need to speak to somebody.

[JenniferMBlack]

Dont do it! DO NOT DO IT! Trust me this is a bad idea. Been there done that. No matter what happens or who it happens with, even if it a one time thing it will never be the same after. So if your Happily married and wish to stay that way then please take this advice.

[Tracii G]

If she suggested it don't be stupid it means she has already had sex outside of your marriage.
Trust me I know I have been thru that twice and I know what to look for.
My first ex was having sex with my best friend and several guys in the neighborhood and not me.The reason I was cut off sexually was she felt guilty and didn't want me to possibly get an STD.
She came to me with the same idea after I finally caught her.

[Micki_Finn]

Something you didn’t mention: are you looking for a sexual encounter with a man or a woman? Since you haven’t specifically brought up men, and you mentioned a “failed attempt” with your wife, I assume you’re looking for women? There’s a pretty good chance this is all a moot point anyway. Do you know someone who is interested already? If not, good luck, lol. Honestly, I think you’ll discover that finding a woman that’s interested in a “fling” with a married crossdresser while he’s dressed is going to be challenging to say the least.

[TheHiddenMe]

It sounds like I'm going to be in the minority here, but here are my suggestions.

First, it sounds like you have a fantastic wife. She is very tolerant of your crossdressing, and is willing to let you experiment to find your sexual fulfillment. We should all be so lucky. You didn't specify; are you interested in finding a woman or a man?

Second, if you haven't heard of Dan Savage, or Savage Love, I would suggest you look up his advice. He has plenty of advice regarding open marriage (his position is that monogamy is hard and a lot of marriages would benefit from understanding that). It's also his opinion that people only hear about the failed open marriages, but there are many successful ones that fly under the radar because no one knows about them.

I have several GG friends who are single and they ask my advice on dating from a man's perspective. I often cite Dan Savage's advice. One of the GG friends has started to refer to me as "Miss Savage" (which I love).

Third, I find it humorous that on a board that preaches acceptance of crossdressing is so condemning of an open marriage. How many of those opining above told their spouses about their crossdressing before they were married?

Fourth, I have to assume there is some sort of dating app that you can use for such a purpose, be it Tinder or Bumble or Fetlife or another. Again, going through the Dan Savage archives (or even a Google search) might find the appropriate app.

Fifth, as to kids, they don't need to know about their parent's sex life. Most of us don't disclose our CDing to our kids (some do, I don't). There is no reason they have to know.

It sounds to me like you are doing everything right; communicating, taking it slow, etc. Good luck.

P.S. Open and polyamorous are not synonymous. Again, Dan Savage can explain better.

[Vickie_CDTV]

I don't think people are being judgmental, they are just "strongly warning" against it.