Need help figuring out the “other” side of things.

[Beverley Sims]

No other sexual partners please, you can both resolve this problem by giving it time to mellow and you both get used to the present situation.

Over time you will both get ideas on how to spice up your marriage between yourselves.

The big hurdle is over, your wife is accepting up to a point.

Just move the pointer carefully along the timeline.

[prene]

For me I would just/celebrate that you have somewhat a accepting wife.
I would not risk it ... see a therapist, they are great at least it was for me.

There are not many women out here like her. You are lucky

[Leelou]

I don't have much to add, but I agree with everyone. Don't go there. How would you like your wife having sex with another man? You are lucky to have a wife that accepts your crossdressing, and you have kids. Or at least table the idea for a time while the kids grow.

And it's probably not going to happen through the internet anyway. You can try, but with a wife and a large family, I think not. Hug your wife and kids and move on. Maybe try some porn.

[Tracii G]

Its not being judgemental its trying to keep a person from making a bad decision and messing up their life.
Its coming from people that have been there and done that so they actually know how bad things can get.

[JenniferMBlack]

TheHiddenMe, being judgemental and advising against something is different. Secondly open marriages might work for some but my belief is those are the ones started in that direction, not that after some time become open.
I personally have tried it and it was a huge failure and can point to that as the beginning of the end. I don't have any judgement against it or those who do it or want to try it. But I cant say it is a good idea and yes go for it because I dont think it is. If you were talking about jumping off a bridge I would also advise not doing it.
If things are good its normally not a good idea to mess with things. As an added foot note I know I am bi and don't go out and mess around and will never suggest or take the suggestion of an open relationship again, at least not while there is still hope. I am far from one to judge anyone on anything but I can offer my thoughts and experiences.

[Rochal Tukque]

Been there done that many moons ago with a EX wife. I guarantee it WILL blow up in your face. Hope you have a good attorney. Much less bring home something that you might find hard to get rid of and I don't mean the guilt.

[Lara A]

I am a little split on this issue. In the best of all possible worlds, this all sounds very nice, and it sounds like your wife has a great perspective, and truly would love for you to fulfill whatever dreams you have. However, in my long experience, this best of all worlds is a place rooted in fantasy. I think you should closely examine what you truly want, and what you truly do not want to happen, and be honest with yourself. As many have mentioned, the concept of an open marriage is easier to imagine than to manage, and your wife, and indeed you, may have less than healthy motives for wanting this, even if you both are unable to see them right now. It takes a very composed and enlightened being to cope with the pitfalls of an open marriage, and then add the partner to that equation. The chances of having 2 such beings together are slim.

I made the mistake of thinking it could work for me with my first wife, but her motives for encouraging me were not what I thought, and the marriage ran its course quickly, with the usual collateral damage. Now my current wife has made similar suggestions of me maybe looking at outside sexual partners if that allowed me to feel more fulfilled, but I am not going to fall into that without some very careful consideration, discussion, and acceptance from both of us of potential risks before we decide anything at all. I know from her own admission that she would perhaps like to dip her toes into the lady pond herself, but we are both agreed we are only going to make any moves with great care. Fantasy is one thing, reality is a whole other animal, and we both know that.

[Robertacd]

Allowing other sexual partners.

RED FLAG!

In my 50+ years of life I do not know of one single example of this working out well for the couple.

[ellbee]

At one point in my life, years ago, I was the "other woman" in a gay-male couple's open marriage. (Technically it was a civil union, and they had been together for like 15 years, but whatever.)

I was also single at the time.

So, that's where I'm coming from, with all this.


I'm not sure what the other guy knew (he was a workaholic), and to what extent. He was never physically involved (never all 3 of us), but we knew each other socially. We never mentioned it or hinted at it.

Though from what I understand, he was okay with his partner doing things on the side -- as long as he was "safe," and that their relationship remained happy & intact.


It was a great experience for me. If I had to do it all over again, I would in a heartbeat. I simply *had* to see what it was like on the other side... I was always fully en-femme, and I always took on the traditional female role, every time. Otherwise, it was a no-go.

That lasted a while, but all good things have to come to an end, one way or another. I was a bit sad & disappointed when the guy I was sleeping with eventually called the whole thing off, seemingly out-of-the-blue. No more dating, no more sex, no more friendship.

Did something happen between the couple, to cause that? Did the internal guilt finally get to him? Something else? I don't know, and never will.


But I learned a lot about myself, in the process. For one, I can now say for certain that I much prefer being in a relationship with a GG. Not that it was a bad experience, overall -- quite the opposite, really. I absolutely loved being treated like a hetero GG in that way... And I loved treating a guy, like a hetero GG would. Every time.

However, I no longer have that same gnawing curiosity & burning desire. I guess I got it "out of my system"? But there was only one way to truly do that, ya know?

I came, I saw, I went.


I will add, however, that I'm glad I did this when I was younger -- and single. If I had passed up this opportunity? What then? Would I still be experiencing that curiosity & desire, perhaps increasingly so, perhaps long after I had a wife & kids? What *then*??


Anyway, I'm not going to say what the OP should or shouldn't do. And I'm not going to agree or disagree, either way.

Can it be complicated? Yup. Worth it? Yup. Potentially disastrous? Yup. A big nothing-burger? Again, yup.

I do believe it can work in some cases. And in others, it could totally blow up. Or anywhere in-between.


Plenty of variables, for sure.

But the bottom line is, *we* don't know what's been going on in this marriage, and in their heart & minds. Only *they* do. We are only able to get small snippets, as outsiders looking in.


And for those who say "Don't do it!"... Would otherwise repressing it really be the best thing for all involved, instead?

[Jodie_Lynn]

>>SNIP<<

But the bottom line is, *we* don't know what's been going on in this marriage, and in their heart & minds. Only *they* do. We are only able to get small snippets, as outsiders looking in.


And for those who say "Don't do it!"... Would otherwise repressing it really be the best thing for all involved, instead?

I agree with almost everything you said. Except for the very last line...


We DON'T know the dynamics of the OP's marriage; we DON'T know the mindset of the wife; we DON'T know her motivations.

What we DO know, is that sometimes, a fantasy is best kept as a fantasy.

In your case, you were single. Your sexual partner had to deal with their emotions and those of his spouse.

In this situation, there is a husband, a wife, and several children to consider.

For myself, I am not telling the OP what she should, or shouldn't do, just advising that they may be in for a very surprising ride.

[ellbee]

"I agree with almost everything you said. Except for the very last line..."


No, I'm not going to disagree. What you said is more than fair.

And totally understood.


While I have/had some commonalities with the OP, we also have/had some major differences in our situations.

I just wanted to share some input & experience from another angle of it all.



Anyway, the bottom line is, the OP has 2 choices: Do nothing, or do something.

And my point is, that first choice certainly has its own unique set of potential repercussions, as well.

Let off some of that "steam" in a steady & controlled manner, with all parties on board & geared up? Or, let that pressure build & build, until... What?? Because the alternative of doing nothing can potentially be even *more* dangerous & disastrous... Possibly waaaaay more than the other option.


No, it's not exactly an easy place to be, for sure.

I wish the OP all the luck.

[Jodie_Lynn]

"I agree with almost everything you said. Except for the very last line..."


No, I'm not going to disagree. What you said is more than fair.

And totally understood.


>>SNIP<<



Anyway, the bottom line is, the OP has 2 choices: Do nothing, or do something.

And my point is, that first choice certainly has its own unique set of potential repercussions, as well.

Let off some of that "steam" in a steady & controlled manner, with all parties on board & geared up? Or, let that pressure build & build, until... What?? Because the alternative of doing nothing can potentially be even *more* dangerous & disastrous... Possibly waaaaay more than the other option.


No, it's not exactly an easy place to be, for sure.

I wish the OP all the luck.

I wish the OP luck as well, they are going to need it. And I fully agree that it isn't an easy place to be.

However, let us examine your bolded statement above.

If we remove all the elements of CD-ing, extramarital sex, and homosexual overtones from the fantasy, for a moment.

Correct me if I'm mistaken, ellbee, but you seem to advocate acting out a fantasy as a sort of pressure release; and that it could be potentially disastrous to not fulfill the fantasy. But you neglect to mention that what is healthy for one, may be unhealthy for others.

Using that logic, would it be healthy for an individual who harbours fantasies of hurting his/her co-workers to act them out? If Yes, why? If No, why not?

To quote an old TV show: "Sometimes a persons greatest fantasies are about the things they cannot do"

[Georgia K]

I'm in this position as well I've been married for twenty years and the marriage is still great .But at 49 I realized I'm a gay crossdresser who only likes trans women and crossdressers .Which explains why I've never been that highly sexed and could seldom finish . So I took the plunge and went to a trans prostitute at my wife's suggestion .And it was everything I thought it would be . I still want to stay with my wife but also have occasional gay sex .And at this stage its working out great .She knew I was gay before I did so she had already accepted it

[Becky Blue]

I know the OP asked for advice and opinions but I feel that none of us are in a position to offer any advice either way, we do not know the people involved, we do not know the dynamic of the marriage. Open marriages are more common than people would like to imagine. Whilst mine isn't, I know of a few happy couples who are err happy like that.

[Rochal Tukque]

I wanted to add something else to think about totally outside of your control!!!! The talk here seems to about the marriage. What about the other people involved? One of the couples the EX and I were swinging with divorced. A child custody battle ensued. In a effort to take soul custody and prove the father unfit. The wife's attorney subpoenaed us to court. All the dirty little secrets came out. The cross dressing the multiple partners on and on. They made him out to be the biggest pervert that ever came down the Pecos and us to be the villains! Our friends heard about it. Our families heard about it. The whole damm town heard about it. Our marriage blew apart a year later. Be careful what you ask for you may get it!!!!!

[abbiedrake]

I'm a little surprised at the horror stories about open relationships, I must say. My own observation is that if it sends a relationship to its destruction it's usually more that it opened pre-existing fault lines. My wife and I didn't have an open relationship, nor were we polyamorous, but we certainly invited a number of others to our bed.
We started with couples but found that typically it appeared that the woman had agreed so that she would get a night off from her husband. We never did find a couple who were as equally engaged in the enjoyment of sex as my wife and I. So we switched to single men. And that worked pretty well. We don't indulge any longer for a number of reasons but it never affected our marriage adversely. Indeed our relationship is arguably deeper because of the trust required.
A couple of those men were bi and I tried sex with them but it's not for me. I was curious, but mainly about how the acts themselves felt. I've never met a man I've been attracted to, so yeah I'm straight, I guess. And that's fine. I'd wondered about it, even fantasised about it, tried it, ruled it out.
I should point out that all this was a long time before I started dressing fully. I did underdress at the time, though never in sexual situations.
Would I do it now, given that I dress? Maybe with another CD? No. It was a chapter in my life that's now passed and that's OK. I don't regret any of it but I've no need to return. And since I don't consider my dressing sexual in and of itself it would be a little odd if I tailored part of my sex life around it.
OP, if your wife is supportive, if the trust is there, there needn't be any harm, even with a family. Trust me, there are plenty of ways and means of meeting people and enjoying sexual company that don't involve hysterical stereotypes of Craigslist etc. But it should definitely be a case of 'measure twice, cut once' with your wife. It is possible to talk a good game but to regret the reality with hindsight. Proceed with caution and fully open communication though and you may open up a fulfilling new aspect to life.

[Cheryllynn]

I'm not going to go into detail, but perhaps my marriage is one of the successful, "under the radar" ones because we've been open for years although neither of us have acted on it for some time now. We did invite others to "play" with us, which led to a few extremely good encounters (we found the bi-woman "unicorn" single). We've had the understanding ever since that if either of us wants to have fun with someone outside the marriage it is fine, as long as we both know it is happening.
So far though I haven't had any encounters while dressed en-femme but I'd like to play at some point with the right person. My dressing doesn't do much for the wife although she is understanding of it and supports me with it. My experience obviously isn't common but success stories with open marriages DO exist.

[abbiedrake]

Yay! Thanks Cheryl Lynn. Good to know I'm not the only one.
Good for you on the single bi woman though. Unicorn indeed!

[ellbee]

Correct me if I'm mistaken, ellbee, but you seem to advocate acting out a fantasy as a sort of pressure release; and that it could be potentially disastrous to not fulfill the fantasy. But you neglect to mention that what is healthy for one, may be unhealthy for others.

Using that logic, would it be healthy for an individual who harbours fantasies of hurting his/her co-workers to act them out? If Yes, why? If No, why not?

I haven't been here in a while, but I see since you directly asked me a question, and at the risk of side-tracking this thread too much...


Yes, perhaps it *would* be best for that individual in your scenario to act upon their fantasies -- in a steady & controlled manner, that is. As I've already stated previously.

How so? For example, hang a heavy-bag in their basement/garage/shed, adorn it with a photo or the printed name of their hated co-worker, throw on some boxing/sparring gloves... And proceed to beat the living crap out of it after a lousy day at work.

A lot of that built-up pressure? Now pretty much gone after a nice little work-out. They got it out of their system, with no need to actually do something even more severe, with no doubt even more severe consequences.


Otherwise? Just let that pressure build... And build... And build??

Yeah, good luck with that. Might as well suppress their CD'ing, too, while they're at it, eh?

[Majella St Gerard]

I have been in several "open" relationships and it had been fun at times but someone always gets too involved with the other person, me included. It's one thing to be open to fooling around with others in say a 3 way or more way, but as a life style that is not for me. I can separate LOVE from SEX but feelings get involved if there is a regular extra partner involved. Again from my experience. My downfall is that I am attracted to ****ty women.

[abbiedrake]

Roger that, Majella! Once had a 3rd party who'd shared our bed try to steal my wife. She told him where to go. Despite me being poorer, living in a worse place and having worse prospects. Guess I was doing something right. 😉

[ThiHi]

Eve, I wish you all the best of good fortune. It sounds as if you are both very committed to each other and have been through some 'stuff'. I understand.

It seems you're looking at this with an open eye, which is good. Some gender related therapy might be good? Keep it honest and open. I hope it all works out for you.

[docrobbysherry]

Considering more than 1/2 end in divorce where I live. And, at least another 25% live together as "roommates" after a number of years!

I've been married and divorced, of course.

My opinion is that ANYTHING 2 people do to keep their union together is ok. And, it's really no one's business but theirs!