The 3rd Way

[abbiedrake]

So, there's MY way. There's MY WIFE'S way. But we established many years ago there's the 3rd way. Think of it as a no-compromise compromise. By that I mean neither party feels they're compromising MORE than the other. Even in typical marital compromise that way leads to resentment sometimes.

She likes those curtains, I don't? We don't buy them. And vice versa. It's not an exact science and takes patience sometimes waiting for that 3rd way to show itself.

Which is where I am now with CDing. Wife wants JUST hubby. I want some Abbie time. So this is one of the more intractable 3rd way searches we've had as we're not typically so diametrically opposed. Our usual unilateral veto approach isn't working with something that refuses to go away.

We'll figure something out, with time. But what are some of your '3rd ways'?

[Crissy 107]

Abbie, That is also called a compromise and where would we be without that.

[MarinaTwelve200]

Be Abbie when She is not around.

[abbiedrake]

Far from that simple, Marina. I'm her full-time carer. I very occasionally go shopping without her, but she doesn't want me dressed en femme in public.

To be clear, I don't expect solutions. My situation is too complex for that. I'm just curious about where other's compromises have led them. 😁

[alwayshave]

Abbie, as lawyers are fond of saying, there are three sides to ever story, your side, my side, and the truth.

[Helen_Highwater]

Abbie,

This is something I've no experience of since I'm still in the closet so I feel my advice isn't necessarily forged in the fire of negotiation. That said in general terms I suppose that while the right of veto works most of the time it's not something that can always produce the best outcomes. Someone's dislike might be minor while the other's like is great so is a veto justified in those circumstances?

The desire to retain her man is something we hear a lot on these pages and the problem seems to be explaining that the man is still there. I know it's not exactly the same but in some way it's no different to one man taking part in a martial arts sport vs one who prefers chess. Defining what maketh the man goes far beyond that.

Explaining these things requires overcoming the social norms ingrained in us from childhood. CD'ing = gay is something that sits in many people's minds and overcoming that is perhaps our communities greatest challenge. Nothing wrong in being gay, it's just that dressing and sexuality don't necessarily go hand in hand.

How you get away from your SO seeing the clothes you're wearing as a measure of who you are to somehow seeing the person in them and that person remains a constant is something needing calm discussion. Have you asked your SO deep down what really troubles her about your dressing? We're all guilty at some time of not liking something but not knowing in a rational way why.

[abbiedrake]

In terms of the veto I can say that I've never been so set on a thing that her veto wounded me (it says something that she didn't invoke such over my CDing). The happiness that came with the 3rd way was always better.
To expand on the curtain example my wife worries that certain rooms of our home are far more HER than ME. She perhaps forgets the number of furnishings and colours I had vetoed to reach the current themes. All of which I'm more than happy with. (Paisley was an irrational sticking point for me for decades so imagine her surprise when I bought a bright paisley patterned duvet set. A change I link to a change in my tastes thanks to CDing)
Naturally, that's only my side and perhaps my better half will differ. Now she's joined the forum she might even venture an opinion to help with her 10 post minimum to access the safety of the FAB sub. 😁
Some of the reasons for my wife's distaste are a mystery even to her, I think. Communication continues.
As ever your wisdom and experience are appreciated, Helen, even if this is one time you might feel under-qualified.
And Jamie, ain't that the truth. 😬

[Sarah Doepner]

For many of us we saw isolation or separation as our only options. Of course we feared coming out and accepting communication was the key and the best possible option, particularly with something that can have such an impact on your life. I don't say that without a vantage point of nearly 70 trips around the sun.

Not addressing your crossdressing as a team, now that she knows, works against you both. Working without good information is the basis for poor decisions. So having your bride here on the forum now is a great step and worthy of admiration. The last thing you need is a relationship that is open, but only to a point, because that sets up one or the other of you for misunderstanding or a sense of betrayal. My best wishes for you to continue to grow as a couple, learning and planning on how to live when one of you is somewhere on the Trans spectrum.

[docrobbysherry]

Abbie, many here use the DADT approach with family or spouses. "Don't ask, don't tell!"

It works for me. I tell my adult, live in daughter where in the house and when I plan to dress and she avoids me!

[kimdl93]

I"m not sure there's a way that doesn't involve someone being dissatisfied. I had a bad outcome from the boiling frog approach, so my experience biases me against that as a method. I tried the keep it out of site approach too....which didn't seem to work either. In the end, gotta wonder if some degree of acceptance is just a matter of how individuals are wired...

[Eemz]

The unilateral veto method isn't working this time because you're talking about something you *need* here, not something you want. Tbh I think it's more than just Abbie. You need some part of life that's just yours. Your wife needs that too, even if she doesn't want it. I don't believe in this "two souls become one" crap. The only way that happens is if one soul gets crushed in the process. And ultimately that doesn't help anyone.

So your task is to figure out a way that gives you both the things you *need* and secondary the things you *want*. But you need to have some part of your life that's not all about your wife's medical issues, and so does she whether she wants it or not.

As always, I acknowledge that I have strong views in this area based on my own relationship history.

[Michaelasfun]

Be Abbie when She is not around.

This is what works for me. My wife knows about my dressing and doesn’t care to see me doing it, but is ambivalent if I am in a separate part of the house working on something or involved with a hobby, etc.

[abbiedrake]

Thank you all so much!
The ONLY way my wife and I can find the 3rd way, whatever the subject, the key is, as many of you observe, communication.
She and I talked at great length yesterday. There was no clear conclusion nor solution. Yet. But we both felt it had be helpful in some measure.
Michael, Sherry, others who've suggested DADT in another part of the house (it is a big house) this was mooted (by me) and she countered but I wouldn't want to restrict you like that and I'd want you to feel you can ask my opinion (she has told me when outfits work or not, even without makeup, wig, forms etc!).
She's really trying. So am I. Things have really scaled back in recent months (my toes have been unpolished for 3 months! 😱 )
That's me today.

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The unilateral veto method isn't working this time because you're talking about something you *need* here, not something you want. Tbh I think it's more than just Abbie. You need some part of life that's just yours. Your wife needs that too, even if she doesn't want it. I don't believe in this "two souls become one" crap. The only way that happens is if one soul gets crushed in the process. And ultimately that doesn't help anyone.

So your task is to figure out a way that gives you both the things you *need* and secondary the things you *want*. But you need to have some part of your life that's not all about your wife's medical issues, and so does she whether she wants it or not.

As always, I acknowledge that I have strong views in this area based on my own relationship history.

Eemz, your post struck me as requiring a separate answer. I believe you have hit the nail on the head. She and I are exceptional close. Zero independence for years. Only back when I worked full time did we spend any time apart. I stopped working full time 14 years ago. Then when I worked part time it was for my wife. I was her support worker when we went to university together. Now I'm her full time carer.
My preference would still be to share this side of me that I have discovered about myself. This is another facet that makes my story a tad different. I basically found out I was a crossdresser when my wife. The signs were there, maybe. But I'd dressed in my twenties twice but not felt a need to go further. I've realised now that the difference is in my current wife. I'm secure enough that CDing seemed OK. That's not proven true. My wife has and does struggle with it. But it just could never have been a thing at any other point in my life. So I've had to grapple with what it means too.
So... My own space, independence, yeah, maybe. But I already feel independent AND interdependent (not destructively codependent). I've felt like a loner who found someone who can't nor would want to push away.
The real kicker is it might be even harder to find some independence for my wife than myself. Respite care isn't an option. Not because of cost but more personal reasons.

I can't thank you all enough for your support and advice.