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Thread: What if people think you're gay? OH MY!?

  1. #1
    Weirdest woman ever! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Exclamation What if people think you're gay? OH MY!?

    I've read many posts from dressers who were concerned because uninformed muggles often think if we dress like women, we must be gay or bi?

    Why does that bother u? I never worried if anyone thot I was gay in male mode. So, why should it upset me if I'm dressed? What's the difference? Tomahto, tomayto? Explain, please!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

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  2. #2
    Silver Member Rogina B's Avatar
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    Gay is good ! It is a "settled term" unlike "transgender"...
    It SURE is my hair ! I have the receipt and the box it came in !

  3. #3
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    Then I maybe could get a boyfriend. Oh wait I am bi so does that change things?

  4. #4
    Yeah Ok like whatever Tracii G's Avatar
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    Doesn't bother me one bit but I am sure the homophobe's have their reasons.
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    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by wbdavid View Post
    Then I maybe could get a boyfriend. Oh wait I am bi so does that change things?
    Don’t even get me started on the complication of dressing like a woman while trying to catch the eye of a gay man. That one’s a little close to home lol.

  6. #6
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    Ignorance is commonplace. There's a world of important things that people are more ignorant about than the difference between gay and TG. I don't even think about it.
    Well, somebody has to make up that base of the bell curve that defines "normal".
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  7. #7
    Seňora Member Robertacd's Avatar
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    I am with you on this one, Doc. In my limited time out dressed, I have found I enjoyed myself a lot more once I stopped caring what people think.

    I mean I am already out there, if I have been made, what am I gonna do? Besides who cares what someone I probably will never see again in my life thinks anyway?
    Last edited by Robertacd; 05-02-2019 at 10:49 AM.

  8. #8
    Isn't Life Grand? AllieSF's Avatar
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    Sounds the same as those who reject the Transgender umbrella definition, proclaiming loud and clear, "I am not Transgender (TG), I am a Crossdresser (CD)". Makes you wonder if anyone ever reads the sites definitions that they prefer to be used here? Who really cares when most out there in the general public thinks of us as Transsexexual to start with. "What is CD?", they ask.

  9. #9
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    On one level, yeah ... who cares?

    But there are a couple of other considerations, I think

    - In some parts of the world being gay (or being tagged gay) can be dangerous, either officially or not. So I can understand one's desire not to be seen as gay. Of course, in those same parts of the world, simply crossdressing, being TG or TS, etc, probably all are equally dangerous, so things already are bad. Adding "gay" to the pile doesn't make it much worse :-(

    - There are people for whom calling someone gay is a way of insulting them, putting them down. So if they call one of us gay, what they really are doing is just plain insulting us ... you're gay, you're a loser, you're not 'cool', etc, etc. So "fear of being thought of as gay" is "fear of being insulted". Even if I personally don't feel that "gay" is an insult, I might know that the other person meant it as an insult, so I'd take it that way. But if A) if they don't call us gay, they'd call us something else (you have bad fashion sense! ;-) and B) they are not people whose approval I seek anyway, so who cares.

    - Many of us cross dress as an expression of what we are. We want the world to think/know/see us as our real self, part (or all) female. So (assuming one is not gay) then being thought of as gay is a mistake, just as calling an mtf ts person a man would be wrong. But the reaction should be to correct and educate, the same as saying "no, 2+2 is 4, not 3" and not something to be feared or worry about.

    Fran

  10. #10
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    It doesn't bother me, I am bi.

    But I don't find it offensive that others don't want to be mistaken for it. Nobody likes being called something they are not, no matter what it is.

  11. #11
    Style Icon Sara Jessica's Avatar
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    You're freakin' wearing a dress, being perceived as gay is the least of your worries.

    You couldn't be more right, Sherry.

    I think those who take issue with such perception are those who would take offense to being perceived as gay in any mode of presentation. Add to that a dose of homophobia (thank you Tracii).

    This pays no attention to the irrational nature of this perception (thank you Micki), yet perception is reality for most people.
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  12. #12
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Sherry,
    There is a lot more buried in this question and to me a few unanswered ones .

    Lets take my own examples , recently in my shopping thread with my sister in law I felt totally comfortable being out with as Teresa but how did she really feel ? Did it go through her head that some may think she was a lesbian , the answer would be not really true , she was possibly just accepting my as her brother in law but women don't get labelled the same as men .
    Being out in a social group doesn't connect the same , we are more likely to be labelled a group of CDers .

    Recently I went out with a friend to pick up a Chinese takeaway , she is BI but it didn't feel out of place , we just chatted in the resturant until the meal was ready , I thought I would feel more awkard .
    Finally I also went shopping and had coffee with a TS , I had no fear at all that people thought I was gay because she had transitioned .

    And yet I still have the underlying fear that people will think I might be gay , so why does it bother me ? I really have to shrug my shoulders and claim I don't truthfully know . The fact is I'm not BI and definitely not gay , my wife use to accuse me of being homophobic , the truth is my brain just doesn't register a male to male relationship no matter how they are dressed .
    Last edited by Teresa; 05-05-2019 at 11:49 AM.
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  13. #13
    Just do it already! DaisyLawrence's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Teresa View Post
    Finally I also went shopping and had coffee with a TS , I had no fear at all that people thought I was gay because she had transitioned .

    ???? Why on earth would anyone think you were gay for going out with a woman?

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    Quote Originally Posted by Teresa View Post
    And yet I still have the underlying fear that people will think I might be gay , so why does it bother me ?
    Homophobia, no other answer applies.

  14. #14
    Senior Member NancySue's Avatar
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    Here in the conservative Midwest, there is a lot of ignorance and generalizations about cders. We’re pretty much seen as gay. When I go out, I’m very careful and try hard to avoid being read, especially by rough looking guys. There’s been occasional acts of violence against cders and drag queens. An annual cder fund raiser was recently cancelled because of threats. I’m just speaking for our local. I do worry about this, police, flat tire, etc. very frustrating.

  15. #15
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    It is weird to me how some of us can be so sensitive (to the point of being combative) about even the suggestion that they might be gay. I think that everyone outside this community and a lot of those within it think any male who wears dresses is gay. I also think there are a lot more of us who have those tendencies than will ever admit it. I repeatedly see the subject twisted around to where if someone is dressed as and appears to be a woman, having sex with a man (or the desire to) is not gay. Kind of reminds me of the T-shirt that says, "I'm not gay but my boyfriend is".

    I grew up in a time where calling someone gay was about the worst thing you could say. Although there are areas of serious resistance, by and large it is not that way anymore. Back when I was married, some people who saw me on a regular basis (hairdressers and makeup SA's) were very surprised to find out I was married to a woman. My Merle Norman lady, who I'd known for a couple of years by then, said, "How does that work?". I really didn't know how to answer, as to me it worked just like anybody else's marriage.

    I didn't have my first sexual experience with a male (another Tgirl) until I was 50. We were both dressed, never saw each other when we weren't in girl mode. I've had a couple of relationships since. All of them were gay, and I can't for the life of me understand why so many of us on this forum dance around it. I no longer think I'm going to hell for it. There's also the opinion that nobody's sexuality changes, so I must have been gay my whole life and just obscured/denied it. Maybe. If I was, I did an awfully good job of obscuring/denying, because I had no idea. I don't see that it matters.

    If you surveyed 100 people and they were totally honest, I bet 99 of them would say crossdressers are gay. Some probably know intellectually that it's not unheard of for a crossdresser to either be straight or to at least survive within a monogamous straight marriage, but their gut feeling is that they're all gay.

  16. #16
    Aspiring Member Eemz's Avatar
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    The only time I care what someone thinks of my sexuality is if I'm trying to sleep with them, or vice versa

    ----

    But on the general topic...I don't think the sort of person who is likely to give you a hard time for being "gay" is too worried about semantics. You're weird, deviant, queer, trans, whatever, close enough, "it's all "gay" to me"


    "Ah! Yes indeed good sir, I am wearing a dress, it's nice of you to notice, plus heels & makeup in fact, but that's ok because I actually **don't** sleep with guys!"

    "Oh I see! You *don't* sleep with guys. Well silly me, why didn't you say so? That's fine then, my mistake, have a nice day".

  17. #17
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    As a male growing in the 1950's and 1960's being gay opened a person up to discrimination and physical violence. There was no information available concerning men/boys who enjoyed (maybe not the proper term) or needed to wear women's clothing. Society said males who wore women's clothing were gay. It caused a lot of confusion in a youth going through puberty. So, did it bother me? You bet. It would have meant friend dropping you like a hot potato. Perhaps, your family kicking you out the door. There are laws in place now to project gays/lesbians and transsexuals in many states, but, not all. Many, too many, people still dislike or hate anyone who is not like themselves. As a youth in the 1950's and 1960's you really did not have any way to defend yourself. You may have known you were not gay, but, it was what others may have thought about you. Do you really think there were many girls or young women who would be willing to establish a relationship with you?

    The bottom line is you know who you are, but, do the people around you accept your self analysis? In this day and age an adult may be able to defend himself against bias behavior, but, if someone believes you are gay they may act upon the misinformation. One of my friend's grandson bore the brunt of rampant discrimination and worse in high school before he came out as transgender. He was labeled as gay. If you have already made your way in life maybe you can avoid the effects of discrimination. I ask, why are there so many suicides and attempted suicides among the transgender community? Do you think non acceptance has something to do with it?

  18. #18
    Dandizette LilSissyStevie's Avatar
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    It's not gay if one of you wears a dress...or so I've been told.

    The ones that give me the giggles are the ones that state that they are NO WAY gay but will readily admit to being bi. But bisexuality is not a sexual orientation unto itself. It simply means that one is both gay and straight, therefor "bi"sexual. If you are bisexual, you're gay - just not exclusively.

    I think I'd rather be gay than be AGP if for no other reason than it's easier to explain. I couldn't even explain it to myself for most of my life. Plus AGPs don't have their own TV network (no pun intended. OK, it was!). I was pretty sure I was gay since my teen years. A Psychiatrist even told me when I was 16 that I was a "latent homosexual." The only problem is I don't find dudes sexually or romantically attractive. Most of my life I was confused about my sexuality, now I'm not. Having said that, gay is still better than AGP. The insidious nature of AGP is that it can fool you because it sometimes looks like gayness and/or it can look trans. One could be gay, trans, and AGP but that's not me. I'm just a garden variety AGP.

  19. #19
    Seňora Member Robertacd's Avatar
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    Okay I think I may have asked this before but...

    What does AGP stand for?

    Besides an Accelerated Graphics Port that was used in computers in the 90's

  20. #20
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    Robertacd:

    AGP stands for "autogynephillia".

  21. #21
    Dandizette LilSissyStevie's Avatar
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    AGP = Autogynephilia. The best explanation for it that I've come across is Anne Lawrence's book "Men Trapped in Men's Bodies." There are some parts of the theory I don't quite agree with but it's pretty close to what I experience.

  22. #22
    Platinum Member Shelly Preston's Avatar
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    The problem is that even if you tell people you are not gay some will never believe you.

    There are so ingrained in the binary belief nothing else matters.


    To answer the AGP here is a dictionary definition.
    autogynephilia
    Noun
    The paraphilic tendency of a biological male to be sexually aroused by the thought of becoming a female, sometimes considered a form of gender identity disorder or transvestic fetishism.
    Shelly

    Super Moderator....How to tell your partner......Abbreviations

  23. #23
    Yeah Ok like whatever Tracii G's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by NancySue View Post
    Here in the conservative Midwest, there is a lot of ignorance and generalizations about cders. We’re pretty much seen as gay. When I go out, I’m very careful and try hard to avoid being read, especially by rough looking guys. There’s been occasional acts of violence against cders and drag queens. An annual cder fund raiser was recently cancelled because of threats. I’m just speaking for our local. I do worry about this, police, flat tire, etc. very frustrating.
    When people make that comment the "conservative" mid west that really burns my giblets.
    I would guess there are more acts of violence against gay or trans people on the east or west coast than there is in middle America.I would go as far to say people in middle America are more down to earth and accepting of people different from them.
    I have been all over this country so thats what I am basing my comments by.

    Homophobes are everywhere and they are very ingrained in what some would call "progressive" areas.
    There are plenty on this website as well.
    Last edited by Tracii G; 05-02-2019 at 12:40 PM.
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  24. #24
    Senior Member NancySue's Avatar
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    Gee, Tracii, Sorry, I didn’t mean to “burn your giblets”...ouch. I’m sure you’re right. I can only relate to a 25 mile radius of our little town. Believe me...it’s true. 😬

  25. #25
    Member SuzyZahn's Avatar
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    I`ve never thought of it as that,,i`m `gay`, I`ve always thought they would find out that i was a crossdresser,trans,, besides being happily married and a loving dad. just adds to the confusion.

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