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Thread: My wife's theory

  1. #1
    Aspiring Member Joyce Swindell's Avatar
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    My wife's theory

    My wife knew of my crossdressing before we we're married and is very accepting. We've been married over 10 years. The other day she said she had "figured it out". Figured what out I asked. The question of why men who crossdress that have sexual interaction with other men and don't consider themselves gay.
    It is her theory that because he is presenting as a woman that in his mind he is having that experience as a woman which makes it ok and not gay.

    Your thoughts?

  2. #2
    Silver Member Amy Lynn3's Avatar
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    Joyce, I think their are a multitude of reasons why men who crossdress interact with other men. I agree with your wife on her reasoning, but think many more reasons apply. Film, money and drugs to name a few. One can get more ideas from looking at sites like fetlife, in my opinion.

  3. #3
    Gold Member Jaylyn's Avatar
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    Don't we all have our own excuses for every thing that is questionable to others? I'm fairly sure I'm not gay but I also have never considered myself a CD. I used to think I could stop anytime for good but the urge has always come back and sometimes even stronger than when I quit. I finally admitted when I told my wife of my desires to CD that I just plain enjoy dressing. I've heard many say it's a way of relaxation for them now that I'm older I understand what they are talking about.

  4. #4
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    Well, you could always just ASK one of those men... but to be honest I think there are fewer of them than you may believe. If you think about who we have here on the forums, we have girls who are curious and questioning and have limited or no experience, so they do t really know what to call themselves. Then there are openly bi and gay members. You don’t see a whole lot of “I have sex with men but I’m straight” around here...

  5. #5
    Senior Member Asew's Avatar
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    My version of CD is that I am not a girl but like girly things. But I don't have an interest in men so I never had to do such mental gymnastics.

  6. #6
    AKA Lexi sometimes_miss's Avatar
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    Everyone has their own theories. If you ask 100 of us, you may very well get 100 different answers. Whatever makes her happy and willing to accept you as you are, well, go with that.
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

  7. #7
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    Joyce,
    It is a confusing issue , I feel the same way with females almost like a double attraction .

  8. #8
    Silver Member Majella St Gerard's Avatar
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    Every one defines themselves. What you think about your sexuality and what I think about mine are completely different in our own minds, even though they might be similar. Some people would consider me bisexual because I have "played around " with men sexually. But I'm not attracted to men emotionally or romantically. I have always been aroused by kinky and taboo sex scenarios well before I crossdressed. I describe myself as straight but will bend if the wind is right. Preferably with a female involved. Just my 2 cents.

  9. #9
    Rachel Rachelakld's Avatar
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    Gay can be fun and okay can't it?
    I think life should be full of fun experiences (so long as it's consented if others are involved).
    See all my photos, read many stories of my outings and my early days at
    http://rachelsauckland.blogspot.co.nz

  10. #10
    Gold Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
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    Joyce,

    Perhaps it could be argued that men who enjoy the company of other men while dressed are really denying that they're either bi or veering more to being transexual than they'd care to admit to themselves.

    I feel it's difficult to use one paint brush to colour many. There's also the lurking misconception that to be CD equates to being Gay and this could be skewing people's reasoning.

  11. #11
    Member Brandi Christine's Avatar
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    By definition, a gay person is someone attracted to the same gender, if a crossdresser identifies as a woman, then having sexual relations with a male is not gay. When en femme I am totally a woman...
    ...Damsel in distress.
    Not exactly natural, Stunning none the less...

    (As Girls Go by Suzanne Vega)

  12. #12
    Platinum Member alwayshave's Avatar
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    Joyce, I get your wife theory. However, not that it really matters to those who see it this way, I disagree.
    Please call me Jamie, I always_have crossdressed, I always will, "alwayshave".

  13. #13
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    Brandiaztv,
    It's not as simple as that , I know people who thought that way and lived to regret it , you may take off the clothes and the wig but the memory of your actions won't go away , some are happy to live with that and some become really screwed up .

    It aslo creates a problem with wives /partners where they have questioned the BI/gay aspect and you've given reassurances you aren't gay . Coming to terms with a partner's CDing is one thing but to find you've been lied to over your sexual preferenes is something else .

    The fun angle soon deminishes when the divorces start flying round !

  14. #14
    Member Brandi Christine's Avatar
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    Just to be clear, I would never cheat on my wife, with a woman or a man... I truly love her but have issues (that's why I am here). Were I single things might be different, but there are so many negatives (getting physically or emotionally hurt, or killed, STD's etc...) I do not know if it would be worth it. My fantasy's are another matter, but they stay just that, fantasy.
    ...Damsel in distress.
    Not exactly natural, Stunning none the less...

    (As Girls Go by Suzanne Vega)

  15. #15
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    Brandiaztv,
    It's whatever you're comfortable with , if it hurts no one there's no harm in it but you never know the truth until you've lived it and then it might be too late .

    Fantasies can materialise , when I joined back in 2013 much of my life now would have been a fantasy then .

  16. #16
    Member Rhandi Spencer's Avatar
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    I understand the wifes theory.
    I recently came out as TG to a co-worker who immediately said "I figured you swing both ways." This led to a complete different conversation.
    For me being Trans has nothing to do with my sexual preferences.

    Heidi
    hugs and more hugs

    Rhandi

  17. #17
    Resident Polymath MarinaTwelve200's Avatar
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    Crossdressing has no single cause---it is just a SECONDARY aspect or activity SHARED by a variety of different motives and conditions. Yes, some Gay men Crossdress, but others are entirely turned off by the idea of emulating such an "unattractive" entity called a "woman". Some crossdressers, identify with women, others find it an ultimate fetish. Some of us, like me, are "escapists" who do not identify with women where crossdressing is a way to temporally "Escape" one's own self and take "a vacation from ones self and become "not me" for "stress relief" sexual gratification or both. still others are into a form of " self-humiliation" masochism, and THAT turns them on. indeed, in many Psychological Circles, Gay people who crossdress are not consider crossdressers at all, CD being defined as simply straight men who wear women's garments.

  18. #18
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    I read an article not too long ago which indicated a singular act of same sex interaction does not meet the definition of homosexuality. It is a homosexual act, but, does not define a person as homosexual. What does your wife say about men who actively pursue cross dressing men for a sexual encounter? Do they view "her" as a woman or something else?

  19. #19
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Your wife and "straight" T's that go for men can say whatever!
    To me, it's all so simple!

    Parts is parts. And, that was how I sorted out my "woman with men" fantasies. I'm NOT attracted to male parts. Zero, zip, nada! If it's male looking, feeling, acting, I'm out!

    When come on to, I'm flattered and have often enjoyed it! But, I just say, "No".

    If you're attracted to male parts? You're simply NOT straight!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  20. #20
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    Heidi thats exactly how the public sees us so I hope you set him straight.

  21. #21
    Resident Polymath MarinaTwelve200's Avatar
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    About this GAY thing.----I sincerely believe that MANY adults still subscribe to the "Definition" of "Gay/Homosexual" we were first given as kids "A boy/Man who thinks he is or wants to be a girl". So a man who dresses like a woman is "gay". In their ignorance, they never learned that gay really means "being sexually ATTRACTED to the same sex". ----That's just ANOTHER "gay" characteristic in their limited mind databases, that puts ALL crossdressers, Transsexuals and homosexuals, "in the same barrel," so to speak.

  22. #22
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    I would disagree with you Marina. I think people in general understand that gay means attracted to the same sex. I think we get falsely equated because the ignorant assume our motivation is to “seduce” or “trick” men into engaging in sex.

  23. #23
    I accept myself as is Gillian Gigs's Avatar
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    Many people live their lives compartmentalizing things to help them understand their world. If it was only that easy! Joyce, your wife has a point, but it's difficult to determine how many individuals are in that category. Sex and sexuality has always been a difficult path to wander down, and unfortunately it doesn't seem to be getting any simpler. Between someone justifying their actions and/or living in denial, who is ever going to get to the bottom of it all. Or who would want to.
    Personally I think that any man who said that they never masturbated is a liar, or never properly developed down there. Then having said that, I think that most men have had fantasies involving the same sex. They don't act on it and the guilt, or shame of the fantasies leads them to spurn the gay lifestyle. Yet many of these same individuals would find it titillating fantasizing, or watching some girl on girl action. This only shows the hypocrisy within their thinking.
    I can only speak for me, when I say my CD'ing habits are heterosexual and thoughts are wife centred 99% of the time. I would be a liar if I said 100%. I'm not perfect, and neither is anyone else.
    I like myself, regardless of the packaging that I may come in! It's what is on the inside of the package that counts!

  24. #24
    Resident Polymath MarinaTwelve200's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Micki_Finn View Post
    I would disagree with you Marina. I think people in general understand that gay means attracted to the same sex. I think we get falsely equated because the ignorant assume our motivation is to “seduce” or “trick” men into engaging in sex.
    I didn't say MOST I said MANY have the kids idea about what gay means----And you bring up THE CLASSIC "ignorant myth" based on the same thing. "Gays crossdress to seduce and trick straight men into having sex with them". I am amazed at how many people actually believe this one. MANY People just don't think and must make a true effort to stay ignorant. I stayed out of a lot of trouble and avoided much guilt and confusion when I was a kid by going to reputable BOOKS and sources of reference to get REAL information on sex and sexuality questions, instead of asking or relying on my equally ignorant peers. While they wallowed and suffered in crazy myths, I pretty much knew the medical and psychological truth---for the times---I still ended up a cross dresser, but felt good about myself anyway.

    BTW--no offense to YOU Micki Finn----I am just not sure how to tone of my reply might be taken by some people.
    Last edited by MarinaTwelve200; 05-03-2019 at 03:41 PM.

  25. #25
    Aspiring Shopaholic BTWimRobin's Avatar
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    Hi Joyce,

    This topic has come up, in different flavors, several times recently. After reading through everyone's comments the only conclusion I can derive is that in skirting the boundaries of gender we are in a grey area. How you present yourself and how you perceive yourself opens up sexual preference to a variety of interpretations.

    My thought has always been what goes on between two consenting adults is really non of my business as long as you are happy and not hurting anyone.


    Robin

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