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Thread: told the wife

  1. #1
    Member Lisalove1976's Avatar
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    told the wife

    living with the physical and emotional changes of hormones just feels right but knowing I am hurting the love of my life (wife) is terrible, she now knows about the hormones and has takes it relatively well considering. After several discussions she came to me that even though this impacts many people in my life SHE is the one most effected (other than me)...which I totally agree with.
    I am hoping to find somewhere in the middle that we can meet and hopefully move on from there.

    any thoughts?

  2. #2
    Member Becoming Brianna's Avatar
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    I am glad to hear that she is taking it well, and I know firsthand how much it hurts to hurt the people you love especially when you're doing nothing more than telling the truth about something you need to do in order to be happy and live your best life. Ultimately you have to be honest with her and with yourself about what you need and her reaction is her own and something over which you have no control. I suspect that there will probably be more discussions as you travel this road together but it's great that she seems willing to stand by you. I wish only the best to both of you and I hope that your bond remains strong, but remember that in the end you have to do what you have to do because you are the only one who can live your life and you are the only one who truly knows what you need. Good luck!

  3. #3
    Isn't Life Grand? AllieSF's Avatar
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    My main recommendation is to keep the line of communication open and do not hide anything else from here. If there is more to reveal plan when to do that, do it if you can and then just keep talking. It can be as simple as "Honey, how are you dealing with all this?", "What can I do to help you?", and so on. Tell her when you are down or up and/or confused or fristrated. Keep it simple and listen to her. Ask her simple questions during any deep conversation. It all helps over the long run.

  4. #4
    Member Sara Olivia's Avatar
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    Lisa, I know what you are going through because I have also been there. In my case I had a wife and two children to think about and yet at the end of the day I came to the conclusion that without the hormones and without the transitioning I was definitely going to lose them. This is because I was always unhappy, moody, irritable and we seemed to always be fighting. It was difficult at first but now our lives are so much better. We have all adjusted and most important there is very little arguing in our home now. We get along and enjoy spending time with each other. Even our teenage children still hang out with us and we often do things together. What I am trying to say is that sometimes there is truth in the old saying that its darkest before the dawn. Hopefully as time goes on pain will turn to happiness for both you and your wife.

  5. #5
    Member Lisalove1976's Avatar
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    Thank you all for your thoughts and suggestions, it has taken me a long time to be able to talk to my wife about Lisa but the more we talk the easier it gets (just hope it's not a false sense of hope) We have decided not to talk to the kids yet but will in the near future... I now have 4 people other than my wife that I have come out to and so far totally supportive... but not to be fooled I an sure I will find (and expect) resistance to find me in the near future

  6. #6
    ADMINISTRATOR Sandra's Avatar
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    Keep talking and listening, don't keep anything from your wife. If things are going to work out together then she needs to be kept in the loop.

    Nigella and myself talked everything through and told each other how we felt at every stage.

    Good luck
    Sandra
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  7. #7
    Member Lisalove1976's Avatar
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    So as much as I thought things were going ok...Yesterday we ended up going shipping and she even bought a shirt for Lisa but when walking out of the mall she mentioned I was getting boobs.
    Later she asked me if I had noticed and I told her yes.... then the asked "what are you going to do about it? you know they are going to get bigger" to which I replied "I know"... she says others are going to start noticing, I told her that as much as I want to stop the feeling I now have just feels RIGHT and that I don't want to hurt her or others BUT that I need to continue this process.
    She is now mad at me again

  8. #8
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    Well, I’m assuming she married a man because she wanted to be married to a man. You are now becoming a woman. Sometimes there just isn’t a middle ground.

  9. #9
    Member Becoming Brianna's Avatar
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    I totally relate to your story Lisa. My ex girlfriend texted me today. It started off sweet "How are you? How's your transition going? Are your parents okay with such a big change? (I haven't made the full commitment to transition but I am beginning the first steps of a social transition to at least a far more feminine presentation if not a full medical transition but that is for my future therapist to sort out... Only 18 more days before I am free to begin...) Then I made the mistake of telling her that for whatever it was worth to her I still love her and the entire conversation went to hell. I'll never make that mistake again though it seems like I probably won't have to because she told me not to talk to her again and that she hates me. Fun times... Ultimately you have to do what you have to do and let the chips fall where they may. If this is what's right for you, if this is what you need, then you have to keep going. If you can find a place somewhere in the middle to stop that is agreeable to your wife, that is fine too, but it sounds to me like that is not possible in your case. With me, I think there could have been some room to work, but my ex was totally uncompromising. It's not her fault, it just is what it is. She wants what she wants and I'm not it. Oh well. I'm on to rebuilding my life the way I need to.

  10. #10
    Member Lisalove1976's Avatar
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    Well as much as I want to become a woman...a woman;s thought pattern is something I'll never understand...
    As much as I though she was mad at me she was actually mad at herself for acting the way she did and making thinks harder for me... she felt really bad about the way she acted but I guess it's to be expected being as she has never had to deal with this

  11. #11
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    There are unlimited twists and turns possible when you step off the cis path, just keep in mind that though anything is possible that the probabilities are fewer (and typically unhappier) and that not all conflicts and viewpoints are resolvable. Holding yourself open and maintaining hope can become very, very difficult.

    One comment on yours about thought patterns: For every line of a given woman’s thinking, there is another woman who will take another. Without discounting hormones’ influence (including growing up), identity is identity and it’s not a matter of simple association. Do cross-sexed people think differently as a group vs all other females (in this case) considered as a group? Does that change under the influence of exogenous hormones? Maybe in some ways ... or not. Does it matter? I have an opinion, but honestly, it’s a vast, complex area of discussion and I don’t want to go there. I’ll just say this: I find your statement dismissive of the validity of your identity.
    I am older than I once was,
    And younger than I'll be. ...
    After changes upon changes
    We are more or less the same;
    After changes we are more or less the same.

  12. #12
    Member Mirya's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lisalove1976 View Post
    Well as much as I want to become a woman...a woman;s thought pattern is something I'll never understand...
    You can't become a woman. You can't change your gender. Either you already are a woman, or you're not! Your gender identity was set at birth and firmly established as a toddler. Now, what you can do, is you can change your life to live as a woman, or to live as a man. But you cannot change who you are. You cannot change your identity.

    The work that you need to do now, is to get this kind of vocabulary - "I want to be a woman" - out of your thought process. It doesn't help. Instead, ask yourself 'what am I really?' Am I a woman? Am I a man? What is your mind telling you? What does your heart say? What do you believe, deep inside your soul? If you are a man, put away this nonsense and live your life as a man and stop torturing your wife. If you are a woman, then confidently accept that as the truth, scary as it may be, and take concrete steps to make the world around you see you as the woman that you are.

    (it is also possible that you are neither a man nor a woman, in which case you are non-binary)

  13. #13
    Member Dorit's Avatar
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    Mirya, I love your post! I thought that statement needed to be addressed and you said it so clearly.

  14. #14
    Member Lisalove1976's Avatar
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    Mirya, you know you are right on the mark as usual.... the hard part is that throughout all these years I have been repressing the woman I am and changing this thought patters is a really hard process to do in the environment I currently reside. Hopefully the more I move ahead with the woman I am the easier the thought process will become.

    I really appreciate your honesty and being so to the point it;s actually refreshing

  15. #15
    Senior Member Devi SM's Avatar
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    Mirya has the whole reason.
    No body neither yourself can change who you are but the problem is that in one sense we are the result of what the enviroment makes in us.
    Example: women for centuries saw themselves as servant, objects, there was nothing in the world that could show them somethingf different up to the moment that some women had a "vision", were illuminated, if we can say in a different way that they were human with the same rights as men. We now know the results of that beginning. When that did happen? How did that happen?
    Applying the same concept, we were in men up to the day that we can be what we are mean to be, but it must be a physical process, a mental process to reach the point that we are a woman, for the meantime they use the word, transgender, transsexual, it doesn't matter ut the day I realize who I really am, independently of the external peel or appearance, there's nobody that can change and the world won't have the tools to.convince me of the opposite.
    See my daily posts and pics on tumblr, just look for @sexyvane

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