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Thread: Yikes....didn't mean to offend...I am very sorry.

  1. #1
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    Yikes....didn't mean to offend...I am very sorry.

    I didn't read the responses to the "closed thread" until just recently. I am very sorry to those that were offended.

    Let me try to explain a little bit without opening a can of worms and without keeping the topic going. I will speak only from "my perspective and experiences."

    Over the course of 40+ years, I like many of you have shared the desires to crossdress. I didn't understand it, but they were there. I kept it to myself, knowing that most of society frowned or laughed at it. Being in a conservative setting, didn't help this much either, though, I think my own family would have been very loving had they ever discovered.

    I told my fiance' about my desires before we were married. I told her I didn't understand them, etc. She smiled and said..."what's the big deal." At that time in my life I had never crossdressed...I wanted to, but never did it...probably out of fear of being caught. Thru 10+ years of marriage, I hadn't really dressed, but my wife always knew I wanted to. Knowing of my desires, stress, and to some extent...sadness, she encouraged me to try it. She purchased some things, and we experimented a bit over the years. The dressing was still a very rare occurrence, because I didn't want to scare my wife, or worry her. She was very unselfish and helpful and we drew closer as a result. She helped me see a lot of the positive things that came from my personality and character because of this somewhat strange thing about me.

    She appreciated a measure of sympathy that I had for others and not just those that may have also been CD, but may have had other struggles. I am grateful that she helped me see this.

    By labeling CDing as often a selfish activity, I also unintentionally blanketed a lot of you and I am sorry. I would imagine that a lot of you, maybe most of you have also seen that your desires have also improved aspects of your character.

    I would hope however, that we can all look in the mirror (figuratively speaking) and see how we can be better people. I don't think we should take offense of this request. As for my character, even though I don't dress much, I know that my selfish traits pick up as the pink fog creeps in and gets thicker...I can quite easily forget things that are more important, including my responsibilities as an employee, husband, and even father. Sometimes that fog can create a desire and excitement that trumps more important things...and this is all I meant by it. I should have directed those comments in the original post to me, rather than to all of you.

    So for me today, IS a reminder to me to look at my mother, my wife, and other women for the great women that they are. And if I wish to look or be like them, I suppose that is also a wonderful compliment...this is actually how my wife sees it. It's not creepy to her, because she also believes that she is beautiful, and she can understand why I would like to be as well.

    Again, I am sorry, and hope you understand the original intent of my note.

    Thank you,

    DT
    Last edited by DTelia; 05-12-2019 at 02:38 PM. Reason: typos on sentencing

  2. #2
    Goddess-In-Training Macey's Avatar
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    Everyone makes mistakes sometimes. Sometimes they are heavy words lightly thrown without intent of malice. The shame here is that you had made that thread and walked away from it without being able to calm the storm.

    But true character, true honor, is seeing a mistake, owning it, apologizing, and trying to make amends. YOU are a person of honor and your apology is greatly accepted!

  3. #3
    Aspiring Member abbiedrake's Avatar
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    Thanks so much DT!!
    While I was quick to criticise the slight I perceived in your other thread I did also assume your intentions were good and tried to caution others to that effect.
    What you say about room for personal improvement is always true and I'd like to think I've demonstrated so acknowledgement of this in my own thread about my alcohol abuse.
    My wife has a number of health issues and my dressing does indeed often feel selfish to me. But it also seems a part that I need to make piece with. It was that latter in mind, as well as my appreciation for the selflessness and support of others here, that I felt a need to speak out.
    I so glad you posted this though to clarify what quite obviously was a sore spot for so many of us. Thanks for the opportunity to clear the air.

  4. #4
    Senior Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    [Qoute]I know that my selfish traits pick up as the pink fog creeps in and gets thicker...I [/QUOTE]

    There's your problem. You seem to equate the need to be who you are with selfishness. It is not. Oh yes, the act of suppressing that need is arguably selfless, but a compelled sacrifice is makes you the victim. That's not healthy. Oh... it may seem so, and bring peace to a relationship, but that sacrifice has a cost.
    Get past the guilt.

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Aunt Kelly View Post
    [Qoute]I know that my selfish traits pick up as the pink fog creeps in and gets thicker...I ....

    ==========================

    There's your problem. You seem to equate the need to be who you are with selfishness. It is not. Oh yes, the act of suppressing that need is arguably selfless, but a compelled sacrifice is makes you the victim. That's not healthy. Oh... it may seem so, and bring peace to a relationship, but that sacrifice has a cost.
    Get past the guilt.
    Thanks for the feedback, but I don't think it's that simple...feeling some guilt isn't a terrible thing. It can keep me in check. Just my opinion.

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    Quote Originally Posted by DTelia View Post
    Thanks for the feedback, but I don't think it's that simple...feeling some guilt isn't a terrible thing. It can keep me in check. Just my opinion.
    Adding to this...

    I think any hobby/activity/lifestyle, etc can become selfish, or unbalanced. I know a lot of great people who let various things impact their family life...be it Golfing, Sports, Gambling, etc. I will be careful comparing CDing to any of these, but my point is that it could get out of control, and I think the "guilt" helps it from getting out of hand.

  6. #6
    Aspiring Member abbiedrake's Avatar
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    It might be splitting hairs, but prefer to think that my current lower level of dressing is motivated by self control, but guilt. My wife's undergoing treatment for breast cancer and has also come to realise that my dressing is not a phase.
    So I'm dressing almost not at all right now. I could tell myself it's because I feel guilty because of her health. But I think it's a more positive spin to say I'm in control and choose not to indulge right now, whilst also acknowledging that it's a part of me and that she and I can work it out when she's over the cancer.
    I think that changing my mindset from negative to positive means there's no resentment, nor does my wife then feel guilty for 'stopping' me dressing. It just seems maybe a little healthier and gives me a little extra emotional reserve to support her better.
    It's better to have a positive motivation that a negative one, I suspect.

  7. #7
    Yeah Ok like whatever Tracii G's Avatar
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    Everyone is entitled to their own opinions.
    Some choose to get offended and some don't.
    I read the original post before it was edited and then chose just chose not to comment.
    Last edited by Tracii G; 05-12-2019 at 11:42 PM.
    Head Executive Chief of the Dept of Redundancy Dept.

  8. #8
    Aspiring Member abbiedrake's Avatar
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    Tracii that's cos you're not an easily triggered SJW snowflake like me! 😁

  9. #9
    Silver Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
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    DT,

    An apology bravely made. Well done.

    Reading you post one of my immediate thoughts relating to your pink fog was that perhaps if you allowed yourself a bit more latitude, less self doubt and criticism, then the fog my not be as thick, more a slight haze. A sort of little but often approach. Afterall, you've indicated your SO has a level of acceptance " She smiled and said..."what's the big deal.", ", but my wife always knew I wanted to. Knowing of my desires, stress, and to some extent...sadness, she encouraged me to try it. She purchased some things, "

    Shedding some of the feelings of guilt, showing some self acceptance may go some way to reducing the negative emotions you seem to feel.
    Who dares wears Get in, get out without being noticed

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Helen_Highwater View Post
    DT,

    An apology bravely made. Well done.

    Reading you post one of my immediate thoughts relating to your pink fog was that perhaps if you allowed yourself a bit more latitude, less self doubt and criticism, then the fog my not be as thick, more a slight haze. A sort of little but often approach. Afterall, you've indicated your SO has a level of acceptance " She smiled and said..."what's the big deal.", ", but my wife always knew I wanted to. Knowing of my desires, stress, and to some extent...sadness, she encouraged me to try it. She purchased some things, "

    Shedding some of the feelings of guilt, showing some self acceptance may go some way to reducing the negative emotions you seem to feel.
    Thank you for your comment.

    I am sure I could get rid of the guilt. I choose not to. If I didn’t have children trying to sort out their own lives and challenges, I probably relax a lot more.

    I think life is complicated enough without figuring out that your father thinks of looking like their mother. I don’t wish to add to any confusion. I’d rather educate them in other ways, help them learn not to judge people, to be kind and treat others kindly, regardless.

    I also believe that for me personally, maintaining self-control is the best way for me to be their dad. I’m a man of faith and believe that the Spirit can speak us and help lead us to making the best decisions for our families. Thus this line is important for me to manage.

    I am most grateful to a spouse who helps me accomplish this.

    Also...some people keep pointing out my “edit” in the original post. I simply made a clarification before anyone commented. But I still offended and that wasn’t the intent.

    Thank you

  11. #11
    Girl about Town Jodie_Lynn's Avatar
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    I despise 'dirty deletes', for starters. If one has something to say, and posts it, one should have the courage of conviction to maintain their position. Add a clarifying statement if one must, but deleting or altering one's posts (other than for typos) is akin to saying "I know you think you know what I said, but what I said is not what you think"

    To clarify on the post that I commented on, I am concerned when anyone tries to throw a blanket statement over an entire segment of the population.

    AS EXAMPLES:
    If I posted something that said "MOST African-Americans are criminals", I would be tarred & feathered as a racist.

    If I were to say "In my opinion, most crossdresser harbour latent homosexual tendencies", I'd be run off the forums.

    I appreciate the OP's apology for inadvertently causing offense, and thank her for it.

    My main point being that there are myriad ways we express ourselves, and what one person feels or experiences, is not necessarily what we all feel or experience.
    The adage "Your Mileage May Vary", leaps to mind.
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  12. #12
    Resident Polymath MarinaTwelve200's Avatar
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    Sometimes people can misinterpret what you write, see it in an entirely different way and be "insulted" or "offended" by it.---That's why I often try to define the terms I use---even then it don't always work.

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    Quote Originally Posted by MarinaTwelve200 View Post
    Sometimes people can misinterpret what you write, see it in an entirely different way and be "insulted" or "offended" by it.---That's why I often try to define the terms I use---even then it don't always work.
    Well put. It’s also up to us to be offended or not....it’s a choice. But i should still have been better.

  14. #14
    Girl about Town Jodie_Lynn's Avatar
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    It's over, and done with. Ruffled feathers have been soothed, and calming oil poured on troubled water.

    Let's all move onward & upward!
    Before you can love another, you must first like yourself

    I Aim To Misbehave

    Labels belong on BOXES, not PEOPLE!

  15. #15
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    Very good apology & reassessment! .

    Obviously, my response was to the original version of what was written. I simply said that everyone is different.

    As has already been said, if you would have just said that that was what you were doing, I wouldn't have responded. However, by calling upon everyone to do that, in some cases you would have been advocating reverting to a presentation in one's relationship that one has never been.

    Some here have gone to great lengths & personal risk from the first date-or-so to be true about their identity and presentation in their relationship. The date, who eventually became their life partner, would have had ample opportunity to decide whether they could embrace that or walk away before forming family ties. So the identity has become woven into the foundations upon which they have built everything, and in some cases, including the raising of the children.

    So to suggest selfishness about such people and a diversion for one day from what they have been ( and been known as ) all along in order to supposedly make it 'less about them' did not fly with me... even though I have no dog in this race.

    - Lydianne.

  16. #16
    Member CarleyR's Avatar
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    I think the OP’s focus on "things that are . . . important, including my responsibilities as an employee, husband, and even father" is laudable. We all have to balance things, and these responsibilities always deserve great weight.
    I love myself in curves!

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    I read your thread/post presumably after it was edited. I was in the process of putting my two cents when the thread was closed. I noticed only one person had made a comment before the time stamp indicates you had edited it. Of course, there was no way for me to see how many had read it before it was amended and had made no comment. My thoughts were formed based upon the comments. I felt you had walked into a mine field. If all the comments except for the first were in response to the amendment, then all I saw was a post of poor choice of words, pronouns and syntax. I have found over the years words such as "you" may indicate different things when used as a singular "you" or plural "you." In the past I think I was blasted once because someone took offense or slight to something I had posted. That caused me to question a comment which was made by someone else as to whether I was being maligned with a singular "you" when the consensus of thought the response was using the plural "you."

    I for one did not take offense to your post. I took it exactly as you have explained in this thread. All I can suggest to any person is to read and reread before posting here or elsewhere as to whether the words can be interrupted differently than intended.

  18. #18
    Weirdest woman ever! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Telia, I think it's a fine line in some T cases. Between wanting to present how u feel inside and our other responsibilities.

    In my case, I dealt with heavy guilt for years. Then, finally gave in to my dressing desires. Now, dressing and my T friends take up most of my time and energy. At the expense of old friends, family, and my other responsibilities. My office, house, and storage places all suffer from neglect. But, I'm a very happy 76 y/o! A lot more than most of my 70+ y/o non T friends that have little or no excitement in their lives!
    And, the guilt has decreased over the years, too!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  19. #19
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    DTelia,
    Sometimes we are in a no win situation , if you choose to throw the selfish label around who does it apply to ? Many of us have been through the guilt of possibly being selfish and for most of us we feel far worse , it really comes down to how bad our dysphoria is and how much we try and suppress it . Personally it was like a cork in a bottle , at some point it had to burst , I feel we never know how bad it has become until we reach that point . In your case you were up front with the basic details but I'm sure like most never realised how deep those true needs were . It's not a case the lying to anyone it's a matter of gradually finding yourself , what really does make you tick .
    I would think very few members here haven't made the mistake and said the wrong thing , we mustn't forget it's a very complex subject where very few have all the answers , the important point is you have taken in the reaction of other members and aplogised , I admire you for that .
    The real me ,no going back.

  20. #20
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    D, you know your thread was good when it gets deleted not locked, so you are going to have to try harder next time.

  21. #21
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    Sometimes it is difficult to express ourselves and in doing so tie ourselves in a knot.

    I have misrepresented myself in explanations many times.

    Gee! Have I made trouble for myself on many occasions. :-)
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

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