Oh my goodness, y'all - -

Thank you all for slogging through that mess. I'm not a writer, so I'm grateful for the patience. I swear I don't come across as a wackadoo irl. :-)

I should explain (more carefully, lol) that I have seen a therapist, for years. My SO and I both have, bc most people don't survive what I did and come home 'normal.' In our early marriage years, my husband (and I) didn't understand how badly I would contort myself to avoid saying 'no.' I used to be afraid to set boundaries bc I was too scared (faulty logic: if I agreed to everything, then nothing was done against my will). He originally didn't realize that my panic looks like agreeability. So, yes, therapy was helpful. (Those therapy sessions, btw, are part of what makes his hesitancy to share so baffling. He's been privy to so many of my deep dark secrets... I think this inequality is a big part of what hurts so much.)

I've also learned that sharing only bits that make you sound good isn't helpful, for so many reasons. But it's also difficult to narrate your own life, bc we seldom know which are the most important details, if that makes sense.

I should clarify that the $600 didn't bother me (it's his money, and quality plus size clothes are expensive) - it just showed me how badly he wanted this, while his words were kind of brushing it off.

I'd love to get him to talk to me in a nonsexual context. Heck, that's why I offered to shop with him. I don't know how to go about it, though. We saw our therapist after our daughter came out, to learn more about how to support her. The therapist was more on the "it's a phase" boat, even though she's listed as LGBT-friendly. She made some comments about "boys are boys and girls are girls," and suggested my daughter come in to discuss what is "really" bothering her. (I don't believe that tg - or crossdressing, for that matter - is something that can or even needs to be 'fixed.' If that makes sense.) Her reaction made my suggestion about us going together into a nonstarter. (I haven't found any listings for trans-friendly LPC/MSWs in 500 mile radius, let alone any crossdressing ones, anywhere. Which is why I tried the internet at large, lol.)
❤️
Ps. Just in case it was the emo mood swings that spooked y'all: I've had PTSD + MDD for two decades--I'm really lucky bc I do know enough to look for outside help when my mood goes black. I'm safe, I promise. It's just frustrating that even after all this time, small things can still knock me down. The PTSD was triggered earlier last year with a major health scare--I'm in the middle of a series of surgeries - so that's been a factor, as well. In a way, it's lucky, bc I can blame the scariest dark places on my health without making my SO think any of this is because of him (I hope). It would kill me if he thought his sharing was hurting me.

Pps. Moderators--thank you for your help and patience! I'll do better next time!