Good afternoon everyone,
I'm a genderfluid individual who most often feels a mixture of masculine and feminine. Some days I feel more male, others more female but overall I'm a little bit of both.
Lately though, my "dial" is pointing more on the feminine side than not. Generally speaking, I'm able to go to work presenting as male and it won't bother me too much, but the past week or so, I CAN'T. Going in presenting as male just feels so...untrue to myself. (Note that I most often wear male clothes in public because of comfort and utility, but will have my forms in when I feel feminine.)
Yesterday I had a doctor's appointment. I didn't want to go in presenting as female but I also couldn't bring myself to go in without my forms because it would feel so "biologically inaccurate." Inside I knew I was female, and I couldn't bear to not at least try to be female on the outside as much as I can.
But lately, these forms just don't feel like they're enough. They present the illusion of breasts, but that's all they are. Illusions. Forms. Fake.
There's this big disconnect between what I feel on the inside and the normally adequate measures I take on the outside. Lately, dressing feminine, nail polish, lipstick, forms, etc. Just don't seem to make me feel feminine enough.
I'm sure that the dysphoria will recede a bit soon, it usually does, but I guess I just wanted to vent in a place where people understand what it's like. I've got plenty of friends and family who I'm out to who are accepting, but they're cisgender. They get it on a conceptual level, but have never experienced it themselves. Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read this.
