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Thread: So incredibly lost

  1. #26
    Gender adventurer JamieG's Avatar
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    Welcome! I hope you can find some comfort and advice here. The first thing you need to know is that this doesn't have to ruin your marriage. It is still possible for the two of you to be happy together, but it might require some effort from both of you.

    Like your husband, I came out to my wife in the first few years of our marriage. Like you, she was generally pro-LGBT but very confused and angry at first. She felt that I had concealed my crossdressing from her and not been open with her. However, like many of us, I honestly believed marriage would "make it go away." I was deeply ashamed of it; little boys learn very young that the worst thing you could be was a sissy. I had internalized a self-loathng. Of course, it didn't go away. It was gnawing at me, and I felt that the secret was poisoning our marriage. So I told my wife. Even though we had the perfect marriage up to that point, there was a real chance that revealing my secret was going to lead to divorce. We slept in different beds for two weeks! But slowly, my wife began to realize that I hadn't changed. She began to warm up to me, and eventually we decided to work through it. I agreed to get counseling; she agreed that it was okay for me to dress when she wasn't around and that I could attend a monthly transgender support group. At one point she asked to see me dressed, and the next Halloween we went to a party with me in drag. Since then, I usually keep it out of her sight, but I am open with her if she asks any questions. We've had ups and downs over the years, but over the course of the last 17 years I think crossdressing has become a non-issue in our marriage. We will sometimes joke about it (our marriage has always been filled with in-jokes), and honestly I feel we are closer than ever.

    By the way, we have two kids (ages 10 and 13), and haven't told them about it. However, we have raised them to be open-minder and I've even taken them to a Pride festival. I hope that if we decide to tell, or they accidentally discover, it will be no big deal.

    My recommendation is that you talk to your husband. Tell him you still love him, but that this is hard for you. I suspect he is hurting now too. Ask him to explain why he never told you before, and why he chose to tell you now. See if you can find a compromise. For many couples, a "don't ask, don't tell" policy works. That is, some general limits are placed, but then you don't really discuss or see it. Realize that it is okay if some days you hate it more than others. Don't bottle up what you are feeling, but at the same time try to avoid attacking him.

    A word of warning, the number one cause of a breakup (assuming the wife isn't anti-LGBT) is when the CD goes to fast. Our wives are often the first person we have shared our secret with; we've bottled it up for a long time and we tend to explode like a heavily-shaken carbonated soda once the cap is taken off. Make sure he knows to rein it in. It is possible to find a happy-medium. I wish both of you luck in working through this!

    Jamie

  2. #27
    Member ChubbyLeahCD's Avatar
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    As someone who is closeted to the wife here’s my take:
    If he’s been doing this for a long time, or the whole time, he’s still the same person you’ve fallen in love with. He was just afraid of coming out to you, afraid to lose YOU. You haven’t failed as a woman, this is just who he is. It’s ok to have ground rules with him about it. I, for example, have no desire for my son to know I dress. I’d love to become my wife’s girl friend, someone she can talk about clothes, shoes, nails, etc.
    I’m sorry this is hard but as someone that is terrified of coming out because of fear of losing everything, I can assure you this is just as hard on him as it is on you. Lean in on your love for each other.

  3. #28
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ChubbyLeahCD View Post
    As someone who is closeted to the wife here’s my take:
    If he’s been doing this for a long time, or the whole time, he’s still the same person you’ve fallen in love with. He was just afraid of coming out to you, afraid to lose YOU. You haven’t failed as a woman, this is just who he is. It’s ok to have ground rules with him about it. I, for example, have no desire for my son to know I dress. I’d love to become my wife’s girl friend, someone she can talk about clothes, shoes, nails, etc.
    I’m sorry this is hard but as someone that is terrified of coming out because of fear of losing everything, I can assure you this is just as hard on him as it is on you. Lean in on your love for each other.
    I still don't want to become my husband's "girlfriend". I go out with him when he's dressed but he is still a guy in women's clothing. I also believe that it is a myth that women talk about "clothing, shoes & nails". I don't do that with my real girlfriends and my husband could care less about talking about what some on this forum consider "typical" girl talk. (Girls usually get over talking about that stuff in middle school, if they ever talked about it at all). You may find you talk about the same subjects that you always talk about with your husband.
    From Jamie
    A word of warning, the number one cause of a breakup (assuming the wife isn't anti-LGBT) is when the CD goes to fast. Our wives are often the first person we have shared our secret with; we've bottled it up for a long time and we tend to explode like a heavily-shaken carbonated soda once the cap is taken off. Make sure he knows to rein it in. It is possible to find a happy-medium. I wish both of you luck in working through this!
    My husband started CDing out of the blue approximately six years ago. He did start slow because he was still working through this himself. The quote from Jamie is very true for CDers that have known all of their life and maybe feel that since you know, they may have free reign.
    Last edited by char GG; 06-06-2019 at 02:11 PM.

  4. #29
    Yeah Ok like whatever Tracii G's Avatar
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    I agree char.
    Many take it too far too fast and ruin their relationships.
    Ground rules are very important for both and they need to be followed.
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  5. #30
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Confused....,
    The first thing to consider is your husband was more than likely born with this trait , we are all different so our needs are different . I appreciate you feel betrayed but please try and step back and consider what it's like for the average man to live with this need , it is a very confusing issue to come to terms with , why does a man want to dress in women's clothes ? I agree with others he will need to give you some answers but please try and be patient it takes some thinking through and he may need outside assistance to help him . You will live with so many fears but the problem is they are all assumptions , there's no quick solution but please also remember that the fact you know now hasn't changed who he is , I believe we make very good husbands and fathers if we are allowed to come tom terms with the need that drives us . He's not being selfish , he is being driven by a very powerful force , I'm not exagerating when I say that because I know how destructive the whole cycle can become if it's totally suppressed .

    The children is a tricky one , I have the problem at the moment of most of the family knowing about me but they are trying to keep it away from my grandsons . I'm just biding my time with that issue as here in the UK it is happening more openly in schools so it's only a matter of time before they encounter the situation from other pupils or a member of staff .

    It really isn't the end of the world , OK I separated after 44 years but my acceptance is going well , it can happen in time .

    I assume you've come here to help yourself and your husband , that is wonderful because it's taking a positive step , as Char pointed out their are other sections you can join epecially the FAB and loved ones section . I hope you can hang in and eventually come to terms with it , it can be a problem if you make it one but you can find a solution if you keep positive .
    The real me ,no going back.

  6. #31
    Silver Member CynthiaD's Avatar
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    I agree with virtually everthing that’s been said here. Your feelings are valid and you need to work things through with your husband. You need, more than ever, to communicate. What you may not realize is that your husband is feeling much the same as you. Whether you accept this side of him or not, he needs your love and support more than he ever did. He needs YOU.

    I can’t speak for everyone, but for the most part, crossdressers love and admire women. That especially includes you. Remember that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Right now you see mostly negatives arising from this, but there are positives as well. You say you need a new pair of shoes, even though you have a closet full of shoes? He’ll understand. You have a closet full of clothes but don’t have a thing to wear? He’ll understand. You ask “does this make me look fat?” He’ll know exactly what to say.

    Remember, it really is just clothes. Cross dressing harms no one. This isn’t one of those things that will tear a marriage apart. (I’m thinking of things like addiction, abuse, and adultery.) You’re in turmoil now, but talk to him and you’ll work it out. If you’re worried about the kids, set some ground rules that you can both live with. Others have done the same. The same thing goes for your other concerns. Work it out together. Other have done the same. You may not believe it now, but you’ll both eventually get to the point where this isn’t any big deal. Also remember that he’s still a man. Your man. When you need your manly man around, let him know.

  7. #32
    Yeah Ok like whatever Tracii G's Avatar
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    ^^^^^^^^ Very wise words Cynthia
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  8. #33
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    So I kinda just skimmed the responses, and there seems to be lots of the usual, “he’s still the same person” “you just need to understand him” “you have to work at it” etc etc. Personally, I think that the most important thing for you to know right now, is that there is NOTHING wrong with not being able to “deal” with it. It doesn’t make you a bad person or wife if you ultimately say “this isn’t for me”.

    As for the kids, well this is a learning opportunity. I know, it’s not ideal that it has to be their dad, but they need to learn that Crossdressers, Trans folks, and drag queens are just normal people and should be treated just like any other.

  9. #34
    Girl about Town Jodie_Lynn's Avatar
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    Seconding what Micki Finn said!

    The OP married a man, and she thought she knew him. For him to drop this bombshell on her, does NOT make her a bad person for being confused and unaccepting of the behavior.

    It is the old 'Catch-22'... Tell her from the get go, and risk losing her. OR, conceal the issues, out of fear, and then be labeled deceitful and risk losing her anyway.

    My ex-wife (of 29 years) recently told me straight out that if she had known, she never would have even dated me, much less married me. I can understand her feelings, but it still hurts.

    So, for all of you who are saying that she needs to understand, you all need to understand HER feelings.
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  10. #35
    Miss Judy Judy-Somthing's Avatar
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    A little over two years ago I told my wife after thirty years of marriage. She said she felt like she got hit by a bus.
    I started at about 5 after my sister dressed me up.

    My wife saw me dressed four times on Halloween.

    I told my adult children last year and they said "So what".

    I wish you the best.

    If he's like most CDers the desire to dress is very strong, it doesn't make him a crazy person, it's just life!
    I wish I could talk to my wife but she's to afraid.
    Last edited by Judy-Somthing; 06-06-2019 at 08:58 PM.
    "This is ME" I am not CRAZY, I'm just a GUY who likes dresses!
    Since allot of men dress up in woman's clothing that makes it a manly thing to do!
    Much more fun than fishing.
    I do construction like house building and I love CD-ing, what's the difference?

  11. #36
    Yeah Ok like whatever Tracii G's Avatar
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    I too think her feelings need to be in the equation as well as his and they need to have a deep discussion about it.
    Don't bring the kids in to it just yet because they really don't need to know at this time
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  12. #37
    leggings junkie ellbee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by confused_cathreen View Post
    Apologies to the community here but for someone with no gender conflict, it's impossible to comprehend. I knew trans MtF had those needs, as it was logical they would want to look like they felt inside, but just plain wearing the clothes? Makes zero logical sense. You might notice I use the word "logical" a lot, it's to underline that it's not only the emotional a female partner has to deal with; it's also the illogical nature of crossdressing.
    What exactly is so "illogical" about wearing certain things?

    Ask CD'ers -- *and* GG's -- why they might wear leggings, for example. Ummm, because they're comfy as all heck?? And they're extremely versatile, to boot? (Could wear 'em for 24 hours straight, doing everything you normally would... And they'd be perfectly acceptable & up to the task!)


    And why should only GG's have a "lock" on certain articles of clothing? Isn't that considered, I dunno, a bit sexist, perhaps?

    If guys wanna wear something, then who cares! Now men don't have a right to be comfortable, to express themselves, to experience certain sensations?

    How is wanting any/all of that, actually considered illogical?


    You know, some people like to watch movies... Maybe because they're bored, or perhaps they want to "escape" from everyday life, or they want to be entertained.

    And some people like to travel... Again, because they're bored. Or want to escape. Or to explore & experience new/different things.
    Guess what? Some CD'ers may dress exactly for those same reasons! Shocking, I know.


    Again, I see absolutely nothing illogical about any of that.

    And if someone actually does? Then watching movies & traveling have to be illogical, as well, simply put.

    As well as a whole host of other activities. Sheesh, the definitive list of "illogical" things out there must number in the thousands, eh?


    Quote Originally Posted by char GG View Post
    I also believe that it is a myth that women talk about "clothing, shoes & nails". I don't do that with my real girlfriends and my husband could care less about talking about what some on this forum consider "typical" girl talk. (Girls usually get over talking about that stuff in middle school, if they ever talked about it at all).
    Oh, come on. Is this for real?


    Maybe some here don't, and never have... Nor do/did the crowds *they* hang with.

    But that is far from any sort of actual representative sample, I'm afraid to say.


    Is that *all* they talk about? Of course not!

    But to claim that no adult-GG's ever talk about certain things like you mentioned, is quite laughable. And quite untrue.

    Should I provide countless examples of such? And I'm talking GG's in their 20's -- thru their 60's.

    Heck, some of them even make a decent living by doing so.


    Just because someone & their friends might not do something, doesn't mean it doesn't exist!

    Perhaps expanding one's universe may be in order?



    Anyway, sorry for the side-track. But just a couple things that I felt I had to speak up about.



    As for the OP?

    I'm sorry for your recent news. It could very well be the end of the world. Or not.


    Not sure how to respond, except these words of yours stood out to me, anyway...

    "I understand it is just clothes..."


    Exactly.

  13. #38
    Aspiring Member Maid_Marion's Avatar
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    I had a discussion with a Genetic Girl about how much fun clothes shopping is when you are small. I am petite XS so there are always cute things to buy. She was into vintage clothes at thrift stores.

  14. #39
    Yeah Ok like whatever Tracii G's Avatar
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    I found her use of illogical a bit strange or even illogical if you will.
    Her attitude towards this subject shows a strong level of sexism.IMO
    Men can wear only this or women can only wear that and there will be no deviation because you and society says so? Sorry honey you don't make the rules.
    She has no idea how deep this subject is and that its not all black and white but many shades.
    Ellbee makes some great points.
    Last edited by Tracii G; 06-07-2019 at 07:46 PM.
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    Ellbee, you missed the point of my post entirely but somehow, it didn’t surprise me. The OP could have never imagined her husband would be into just wearing the female clothes for fun. And why should she? Movies and travelling? I bet you he didn’t mind sharing those pieces of little preferences before marriage. But somehow, the preference for female clothes was not an important thing to share? Reaaaallly now? And calling a female sexist for saying that it’s an illogical assumption to expect something like this from your seemingly vanilla partner? Pwlease! You brought this up in the Ask a GG thread and you got the same answer from all but your comprehension skills need some work. It is NOT that you want to do it. You can go out dressed as a flamingo if it rocks your boat. But at least you are open about it and if you find a female out there who gets excited by pink flamingos, then you know you are set for life! But no, sneak, hide, manipulate and deceive and then expect your behaviour to be considered logical. Yeah….no.
    On the subject of comfort, leggings, sure. I see them every day at the gym, on females and males alike. Excellent, I don’t care. But from what I read for the majority of this crowd, this is not what rocks their boat. Because nothing screams comfort like bras, corsets and 6 inch heels. Again, yeah….no. All of the above? The majority of this community has no idea why they feel this need. Do you think anything that is deeply emotional, like the subject of crossdressing, is logical? Hence, illogical. As a female, the perpetuating fetishized image of females is tiresome, and inherently sexist. And on the subject of women talking about nail polish and purses? You are funny. Yeah….no. Passing comments,” I got a nice bag on sale the other day.” Really? How much? “It was £50 off, good deal.” Ah great. That’s what you get. This is what constitutes a conversation about bags to you? You must be part of a secret society of females who get together and discuss the latest catwalk fashion for days because in my circles, you are more likely to hear long diatribes about the mess that is Brexit than what the summer colours are going to be this year. Hold the invite for that society by the way, I will not partake.
    Tracii, if I understood correctly, you were into just wearing female clothes once yourself but then you understood that you are transgendered? If you yourself don’t know what or who you are, how do you think others will know that? You heard this before, for straight non-conflicting gendered females, this is like saying you come from Mars and breathe through gills behind your ears. The OP married a full-on male for all intents and purposes, with no interest in sitting around the living room in a prom dress. She didn’t say that she thinks those who want to do that are strange or bad. And neither am I. But she never agreed to spending her life with one. She signed on the dotted line with the understanding of she’ll have a mate for life who has no such desires. Now, whether her husband likes it or not, it’s up to her to decide if a future with a prom dress wearing husband is what she wants. And she is absolutely within her rights to decide, you know what, I like my man in flannel pyjamas, as he has been portraying himself for three years. Like she would be well within her rights to reject anything outside her comfort zone, as her hubby misrepresented himself before marriage and for the first two years of it. Unfortunately though, I am afraid that with two young children, the choice is not so clear cut. And that is not only illogical, but immoral. Annoyingly, the OP mentioned from the start that she doesn’t want to hear unkind comments but you thought the you seem self centered is a valid comment and not just absolute vitriol. Yeah….no. Grats for sharing your undeniably logical view… /s
    Last edited by confused_cathreen; 06-07-2019 at 12:55 PM.

  16. #41
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Confused Cathleen,
    You just describe the problem with a male partner revealing his crossdressing needs , they are phases most of us go through before we find oursleves . You are so right not many wives / partners want to have her man about the house in a prom dress , or 5" heels and all the rest . A good GG friend once suggested we revert to adolescent teenage girls when we fisrt come out , which I'm inclined to agree with . I may live alone after separating from my wife after 44 years of marrige through my TG issues but I don't sit around the house the way you describe , I have to run my home now and altough I dress full time I will wear what you or any other GG would wear to do my jobs and run my errands . The point I'm, making is finding a balance doesn't happen overnight and it can only happen if the wife or female partner allows it . As you know very fea of us are gay and only a small minority will transition .

    Women can come to terms with it in fact some do enjoy it , we estimate about 25% of my social group members are accompanied by their wives/ partners .

    The bottom line is give it time and be patient , OK introduce some ground rules but try not to suppress too much as it can be mentally destructive .
    The real me ,no going back.

  17. #42
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    I'm sorry to hear about how your husband's crossdressing is causing such problems. I know its hard to understand, and I understand you feel betrayed. However he is still the same person you married, and this is not something that will ruin your marriage.

    From my understanding, you have needs, and he has needs, and there are some conflicts here that need to be resolved. This requires you keep the lines of communication open. In my case, it was a surprise for my wife too. I was determined to let her know that she came first in my life, and she was determined to be as understanding as possible. She set down some rules that let me know where her boundaries limits existed. I was to keep it private, not before the children, limited to the home, etc. I was limited to some sleep clothes for years. However, as the years passed she become more comfortable with it. She slowly realized that I was not going to turn into a female. I was not gay. I was not trying to impersonate a female. I was just dressing because it was comfortable and made me happy. Somehow my brain is hardwired to release dopamine and other feel good neurotransmitters whens I wear something feminine. She still doesn't allow me to wear a wig, make-up and some other things, because it goes beyond her tolerances.

    Yes, sometimes I wish I could completely dress as a gorgeous woman, but I am satisfied with my limited crossdressing. I think you and your husband will find some sort of middle ground that allows both of your needs to be met.

  18. #43
    Doing my best! Susan Smith's Avatar
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    Really? Your husband confides something to you and you come to this forum to talk about you and your feelings. Have you considered the injustice? If you feel like wearing trousers and a shirt no one will look twice. If your husband feels like wearing a skirt, you worry what the kids will think. Then you imply that maybe it's about more than clothes. Get a grip. Some of us like clothes that society says are only for women. That doesn't make us weirdos and it shouldn't threaten your marriage. Sometimes, being 'anxious' is a choice. Relax a little. What your husband chooses to wear in the house is not a threat to you, it's just a way to express with someone he loves and trusts a part of him he prefers to keep from other people. Help him create a place where he can express this part of who he is.

  19. #44
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    I'm surprised at some of these responses.

    To the OP... Realize that this hits home with most of us, and probably causes us to project a little, or a lot. Unless I missed it, you haven't replied to any of these posts. Don't let the negativity run you away. You'll find plenty of compassion on here. Ultimately, if we can be helpful to you, we're being helpful to your husband, too. This is a vastly complicated subject and necessitates boiling it down to the simplest terms for discussion on here, but you'll find that your husband is different from any of us. Give him that much. Don't judge him by what you read on here. Make up your own mind. Don't judge him by whatever was the first thing that popped into your head.

  20. #45
    leggings junkie ellbee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by confused_cathreen View Post
    Ellbee, you missed the point of my post entirely but somehow, it didn’t surprise me. The OP could have never imagined her husband would be into just wearing the female clothes for fun. And why should she? Movies and travelling? I bet you he didn’t mind sharing those pieces of little preferences before marriage. But somehow, the preference for female clothes was not an important thing to share? Reaaaallly now? And calling a female sexist for saying that it’s an illogical assumption to expect something like this from your seemingly vanilla partner? Pwlease! You brought this up in the Ask a GG thread and you got the same answer from all but your comprehension skills need some work. It is NOT that you want to do it. You can go out dressed as a flamingo if it rocks your boat. But at least you are open about it and if you find a female out there who gets excited by pink flamingos, then you know you are set for life! But no, sneak, hide, manipulate and deceive and then expect your behaviour to be considered logical. Yeah….no.
    On the subject of comfort, leggings, sure. I see them every day at the gym, on females and males alike. Excellent, I don’t care. But from what I read for the majority of this crowd, this is not what rocks their boat. Because nothing screams comfort like bras, corsets and 6 inch heels. Again, yeah….no. All of the above? The majority of this community has no idea why they feel this need. Do you think anything that is deeply emotional, like the subject of crossdressing, is logical? Hence, illogical. As a female, the perpetuating fetishized image of females is tiresome, and inherently sexist. And on the subject of women talking about nail polish and purses? You are funny. Yeah….no. Passing comments,” I got a nice bag on sale the other day.” Really? How much? “It was £50 off, good deal.” Ah great. That’s what you get. This is what constitutes a conversation about bags to you? You must be part of a secret society of females who get together and discuss the latest catwalk fashion for days because in my circles, you are more likely to hear long diatribes about the mess that is Brexit than what the summer colours are going to be this year. Hold the invite for that society by the way, I will not partake.
    OMG, wait a second... Someone's "seemingly vanilla" husband likes to, as you put it, have FUN?!? *gasp* Say it ain't so!


    Next thing they'll be saying is that they never expected their hubby to also like being comfortable, or temporarily escaping the everyday world, or needing to de-stress, or enjoying certain sensations, or exploring & experiencing new & different things!!

    What an absolutely mad world we live in, indeed!


    Oh, wait- I get it: He never told her! Sneak, lie, manipulate, deceive!!

    Well, did she ever think to ask directly? Or even simply broach the subject in at least a general sense at *some* point along the way?

    One would think they would get to know their potential life-partner a bit better -- you know, before tying the knot. Perhaps they were too busy discussing such "important & personal-life-impacting" topics like Brexit?


    And before anyone thinks otherwise: No, I'm not "blaming" any wife -- you know, like some automatically place 100% of the blame on the guy. Aren't relationships supposed to be a 2-way street, focusing on communication? Or is that just some fluff that some like to preach but not actually practice? Because the evidence on that is becoming quite clear.


    Anyway, it must be very tough for someone to live a life that's perfectly scripted ahead of time, and has absolutely no surprises (whether good, bad or interesting) for the rest of their natural time here on earth. How they manage that, is beyond me. Oh, that's right: Obviously they don't. Because life simply doesn't work that way, despite one's desires & protests.


    And do you really want to go into specifics (which arguably may be hyperbole)? Okay, fine...

    - A bra *can* be super comfy & supportive. For more than 12 hours? No, probably not, for most bras & people. But maybe it's simply a matter of finding the right one for you? Not for nothing, but there are plenty of valuable resources available online, such as forums, blogs & YouTube channels, that cater to everyday women & their clothing. Maybe you should look into it sometime? Or would doing so absolutely floor you, instead preferring to live life with blinders on?

    - Have you ever worn a properly-fitting, decent-quality corset? Not for everyone, no, understood. But get this: Some people actually *like* wearing them! I know, what a shock, eh? It's an amazing sensation that rivals no other, really. If you've never tried one, then stop knocking it. And if you have? That still doesn't negate the fact that just because *you* don't personally like them, that there are plenty (men & women) who *do* enjoy wearing them, finding them surprisingly comfortable!

    - 6-inch heels? Hmm, bit excessive, perhaps -- even for a place like this. Not sure how much I see of that here. Though, again: There are heel-enthusiasts (regardless of gender) all over the world! Comfortable for me? No, my feet are shot at this point. But why do you have such an issue with people liking them? Sexist & fetishist, you say? Fine: Woman-up & go take it up with all your fellow *GG's* who are "perpetuating this stereotype"... Because there are more than enough to keep you plenty busy. And good luck with that. (No, on second thought, better not... Much easier to pick on some bumbling CD'ers, like shooting fish in a barrel, eh? Must be oh-so empowering.)


    Finally...

    Yes, CD'ing, at least on some levels, makes perfect logical sense. Above & beyond what's already been mentioned, is a little science thingy called "brain chemistry." And I'm sure those who aren't into fashion & beauty have had more than enough time to become quite an expert on it all, correct? Otherwise, they wouldn't be making such statements as we've seen here, (e.g., "Do you think anything that is deeply emotional, like the subject of crossdressing, is logical? Hence, illogical.")


    Anyway, I'm glad that this is discussion has evolved into the way that it has -- all from a single, terse, thread-starting post. No doubt we've given the OP some things to think about. If anything, I'm sure we'd all agree that they certainly made that all-important positive first step. And for that, they must be applauded.

  21. #46
    Goddess-In-Training Macey's Avatar
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    My wife came home one day with an incredibly short hair cut.
    Did she look good? Yes!
    Do I prefer longer hair? Yes!
    Does she know I prefer longer hair? Yes!
    Does she still look stunning? Yes!
    Does she love her short hair cut? Yes!
    Do I love her? Yes!
    Is she the same person regardless of her hairstyle? Yes!
    Do things change about her and about me over time? Yes!
    Do I love her regardless of how she likes her hair? Yes!

    Do I have any right to dictate to her how her hair should look? Heck no!
    Did I marry my wonderful soul of a life partner based on her hair, her clothes, her expression? Heck no!
    Do I agree with every choice she makes with her hair, presentation, expression? Heck no!
    Did I marry a hairstyle? Heck no!

    Do I love her as much today as the day we married? Heck no!

    I love her more. I love her so much more.

    She's gained weight, lost weight, changed her style, learned things, lost things, laughed, cried, shut down, opened up, and all spaces in between. And so have I. We're on a journey together. The whole thing. All of it. I wouldn't trade a second of the worst of it for anyone else's 'paradise'.

    I would never tell her how to be 'her'. I only know I love her, I love me, we love each other, and are determined to share as much of all of this with each other as possible.

  22. #47
    Member Becoming Brianna's Avatar
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    Macey, That's beautiful! I wish more people thought that way. It's just so unfortunate that many including my ex don't. Of course gender identity and expression is quite a leap and far more fundamental than the changing of a hairstyle. I like to believe that I am more or less the same person I was before I came out but I know that I have changed in numerous important mostly positive ways. However the changes I am making are too fundamental for her and threatened her position security and comfort in her role in the relationship. She thought she was dating a man and in reality she wasn't. She is well within her rights to feel betrayed deceived lied to sad angry or any number of similar feelings. She was also within her rights to leave me if she so chose and felt the need to do so which she did. I have the right to pursue my happiness and an authentic life and to do what makes me me. I do not get to choose the consequences or ramifications of my actions. All the good things my journey is bringing me don't matter when it comes to her decision if I have crossed the line into deal breaker territory which I did. I can be sad I can miss her all I want but I can't be angry or resent her for being honest about what she wants in a relationship and what she needs in order to be happy.

  23. #48
    1.#QNaN Lydianne's Avatar
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    I preface my thoughts by stating that I am not married; so that might disqualify me.

    I shall add that I did not pursue family life because of my TG; so whether that is redeeming or more damning, I'll leave that decision up to the reader.


    When I first became aware of my desire for feminine stuff, I tried to resist it --and there is a reason so many of us did. If feminine presentation in guys had been favourable in the society, I would have most likely embraced it free of guilt or shame. Unfortunately, it was not only unfavourable, but it was stigmatised as well; so a battle raged internally trying overcome it.


    In resigning myself to defeat, I then began the journey towards self-acceptance; unaware at the time that it was *the* journey that we talk about on here so much. We know that this journey can take years, and mine did. But piecing everything together at the start: the social unfavourability of my desires, the religious stance about people like me, the portrayal in the media of people like me, the way my then friends talked about people like me, and my inability to overcome it, I knew I was dealing with a relationship-breaker.


    Just generally in life, there are times when the magnitude of some things is so mission-critical that, at some point, you recognise an obligation to declare them yourself. The complement of that is that you would expect a decent person to declare pivotal information about themselves at the time when critical decisions are being made.


    I was probably fortunate that I figured out before entering into family life that I couldn't beat my condition. However, for someone who is under the impression that they still have a shot at beating it when the opportunity of marriage comes along, I can imagine how that person might choose to hide it while they battle. And if asked outright, they would obviously deny it. And with the assumed standards of decency from the asking party, there would be no reason to doubt that ( because the partner would be hiding all signs of it ).


    When the inevitable happens and one realises too late how deeply embedded it is ( or one gets caught ), then we get this thread, and all I can offer is sympathy and my best hopes that they can figure out a way forward for the family.

    For those that are aware of the magnitude before marriage, I can't abide not having declared it by the time the decision is made.

    - Lydianne.

  24. #49
    Junior Member LucyDarlene2018's Avatar
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    Dec 2018
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    Talk. Read books on the subject. Talk. It was important to my fiancee (now wife) when I came out and then we moved in together. Yes, some of the books are crap or even fetish-oriented (you can figure them out after a few pages, but even those stories can become good jump-off points for discussions or snarkfests.

    Be prepared for him to say, "I don't know why," or for him to be uncomfortable with the question and go silent. A lot of the time, we just don't know much beyond, "It's a part of me."

    It won't be easy. It'll take patience. But hang in there.

  25. #50
    Yeah Ok like whatever Tracii G's Avatar
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    Cathreen thank you for being so tolerant to a differing opinion I appreciate that.
    I have been dealing with trans stuff for a long time and tack being gay on top of all the transgender issues.
    I just give an opinion based upon what people post and I am not the only one that notice the same things I do so please piling on me really isn't fair.
    Susan Smith's post#43 is right on point. It sounds like Miiss Thang in the OP is more worried about herself and how people will view her than her hubby.
    Hubby likes to dress up OK so what? He isn't hurting anyone or doing something illegal.She just doesn't understand it and it sounds to me like (judging by her words) she isn't willing to even try to understand.
    It seems she has lost respect for him because this is all his fault in her mind.
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