Welcome! I hope you can find some comfort and advice here. The first thing you need to know is that this doesn't have to ruin your marriage. It is still possible for the two of you to be happy together, but it might require some effort from both of you.

Like your husband, I came out to my wife in the first few years of our marriage. Like you, she was generally pro-LGBT but very confused and angry at first. She felt that I had concealed my crossdressing from her and not been open with her. However, like many of us, I honestly believed marriage would "make it go away." I was deeply ashamed of it; little boys learn very young that the worst thing you could be was a sissy. I had internalized a self-loathng. Of course, it didn't go away. It was gnawing at me, and I felt that the secret was poisoning our marriage. So I told my wife. Even though we had the perfect marriage up to that point, there was a real chance that revealing my secret was going to lead to divorce. We slept in different beds for two weeks! But slowly, my wife began to realize that I hadn't changed. She began to warm up to me, and eventually we decided to work through it. I agreed to get counseling; she agreed that it was okay for me to dress when she wasn't around and that I could attend a monthly transgender support group. At one point she asked to see me dressed, and the next Halloween we went to a party with me in drag. Since then, I usually keep it out of her sight, but I am open with her if she asks any questions. We've had ups and downs over the years, but over the course of the last 17 years I think crossdressing has become a non-issue in our marriage. We will sometimes joke about it (our marriage has always been filled with in-jokes), and honestly I feel we are closer than ever.

By the way, we have two kids (ages 10 and 13), and haven't told them about it. However, we have raised them to be open-minder and I've even taken them to a Pride festival. I hope that if we decide to tell, or they accidentally discover, it will be no big deal.

My recommendation is that you talk to your husband. Tell him you still love him, but that this is hard for you. I suspect he is hurting now too. Ask him to explain why he never told you before, and why he chose to tell you now. See if you can find a compromise. For many couples, a "don't ask, don't tell" policy works. That is, some general limits are placed, but then you don't really discuss or see it. Realize that it is okay if some days you hate it more than others. Don't bottle up what you are feeling, but at the same time try to avoid attacking him.

A word of warning, the number one cause of a breakup (assuming the wife isn't anti-LGBT) is when the CD goes to fast. Our wives are often the first person we have shared our secret with; we've bottled it up for a long time and we tend to explode like a heavily-shaken carbonated soda once the cap is taken off. Make sure he knows to rein it in. It is possible to find a happy-medium. I wish both of you luck in working through this!

Jamie