So incredibly lost

[Confusedandbetrayed]

Within the last 6 days, my husband - who I dated for a year and we just had our 2nd anniversary last month just told me he is a crossdresser. I am the most open minded person ever as I feel to each their own. However I never envisioned this even being a speck in my marriage. I love my husband more than anything. He says he does not want to go out of the house dressed but what he wants to wear at home just makes me sick in my stomach. I always imagined what he wants for himself would be what he would want to see me in. I feel far beyond betrayed but also understand how difficult talking about it must be. I have every emotion running through my body and have since he said something. Again I love him more than anything, I understand it is just clothes - I mean I hope that’s all for now- but I can’t help but have this nagging thought in my head that I don’t think I can live my life like this. I am the only person that knows and we have two kids.... what if they find out?! Then what do I as a mother do? I guess I don’t know what I’m expecting out of this but I’m hoping to get outlook and advice but please nothing rude! I am an extremely anxious person and can’t handle any more extremes in my life currently.

[Rachael Leigh]

Anyway you look at this is difficult for you and your confusion and pain is real.
The hard part is over though in that he told you and it now can be something you can talk about. Holding this in for him
has been tough I’m sure but you both need to talk about it, you should tell him your not comfortable with the things he
wants to wear. Don’t let it get you into an argument.
Yes this not going to be easy but go slow

[Crissy 107]

I am sure you are going to get many responses on this but I would say to keep the lines of communication open. Many/most of us here have been through this and it is never easy. Just remember he is the same guy you married but with a different twist. Think of what you want to ask him and continue to talk. I’m not giving him an excuse but he is a wreck also. Good luck and we are here to help.

[char GG]

Thank you for coming to this forum for information rather than just walking out of a marriage that you obviously were happy with prior to the big reveal.

It is very sad to me that you have been blind sided like this. Now it's up to your husband to come clean and honestly explain why he dresses (if he knows), why he kept it a secret, to what extent he wants to dress... and any questions you have about his cross dressing.

It doesn't occur to most wives that their husbands would have an interest in wearing women's clothes. Many women don't even realize that CDing is a real thing other than comedy or drag shows on television. It will a lot of patience and communication for you to understand what is going through his mind. Be open and honest about your feelings and fears. Expect answers.

After you have 10 posts in this forum, you can apply for membership in the FAB forum. The ladies there are very open and helpful.

Best wishes to you both.

[Angie G]

Glad you came here for some hopefully help. It's wire d in us dressers to do this and we can't really say why we have the need to do so. Talk it out with him maybe set some limits as to what Is acceptable and what is not. Lots of us have tried stopping but can't it never really goes away. Be patient with him. You love him more then anything try to work it out.
Angie

[Stephanie Julianna]

You are going through all the emotions that my wife went through when I told her about my crossdressing. The difference here is that I told her well before we married. I knew she was the girl of my dreams but I wanted her to know before we married. I was 19 and she was 17 and I had been dressing since I was 7 years old. But in your husband's defence, most of us do think that somehow marriage will kill the desire to dress and than the urge eventually comes back stronger than ever. Many never tell their spouses and to me that can almost be thought of as cheating but with the girl within. My wife tried real hard in the beginning to be a part of my crossdressing but eventually when the kids came along she cooled to it. We agreed that I would have to dress on my own which I have done for the last 47 years. Somehow she saw past my dressing, and she knows that I can pass in public which, like you, makes her nervous. That being said, we have been married 48 years with 3 kids, and 7 grandchildren. All my kids, now 40, 43 and 47 years old, have known since their teens. My son, the oldest never brings it up and the girls just know and accept it as just the way I am wired. The fact that your husband told you tells me he is a good man an must love you very much. That's a good start to work together through this. I'm at a turning point in my life as well since I just retired last week after a career in nursing for the last 24 years. So it is in my nature to want to help you through this. You can PM me any time as well as your husband and I will be as up front and honest as I can be. There is an up side. He'd never ask you why you need another dress or pair of heels. He'd understand. I hope this is a start and helps in some way.

[Maria in heels]

Hi Confused! I'm sorry to hear that you are going thru turmoil because of what your husband told you. As Angie said, it seems that many of us are wired this way, and its something that we can't help once we started. My wife found out about Maria by accident, within the first year that we were married, and it went to a full DADT (Don't Ask Don't Tell) arrangement, and I was to keep everyone hidden and put away, and we were not going to discuss untying, other than "are you gay and like guys?". Please understand that only your husband can answer that question for you, and like Char said, he does know and its up to him to sit with you and try to explain what he thinks and feels. You are to be praised since you are trying to figure out what to do, and if it bothers you that much, please don't be afraid and tell him so. He of all people, should understand what you are going thru and how he needs to support you right now. BTW, after several years, my wife slowly started opening up to Maria, only in the house, and with the understanding that there is to be no wig or makeup. For me at least, its not about that .... its about the clothes and of course, the heels, which I enjoy and also purchase as a collection. Only with her backing and pushing, did I venture out, and I am eternally grateful for her because Maria gets to spread her wings and just experience a few hours out, once a moth, at a local Long island gathering that she found online for me..

Best of luck and thank you for coming and saying hi to us and sharing....


hugs,
Maria

[Tracii G]

Welcome Confused you made the right choice by coming here.
You do know he is still the same person right?
If you truly love him like you say you do then why does this news change how you feel about him?
Being a crossdresser isn't the end of the world so why are you freaking out over it?
Are you more worried about how people will see you if they find out?
Reverse the roles and imagine you wanted to wear mens clothes and wear a fake beard how would you deal with a husband that didn't understand or even try to understand ?
There is way more to this than you could ever imagine and you are just at the beginning so get ready for a learning curve.
Everything you think you know about crossdressing men will be dispelled trust me.

[Di]

Deep breath it seems overwhelming right now but trust me it will not be that way for ever.
Keep talking and both keep being open to each other.
I am glad he told you ......many are very afraid to and wife’s sometimes find out by accident and the betrayal is even worse.
He is the same person you love and trust me he loves you he prob was very worried about telling you.He prob hid this because many think it will go away , but it really is just part of him.
He really is the same person nothing has changed except you know his secret.
Like I said keep talking you can make this work between the two of you.
Hope you join us in Fab ....you can check out the requirements in the link in my signature.
Best Wishes

[Michellebej]

Lets start with the kids. They are way more resilient than you can imagine. Most couple just don't let do "it' when the kids are around. If there are always womens clothes in your room and closet, then that is what they will expect to see. Trust me most are not going to be going through your things checking on sizes! I have a daughter that knows and is totally accepting of it. I have a son who knows...and I did not until recently know that he knew. He just never thought that much of it. His wife and I got into a fight and she decided to get even by telling my kids. My two kids who lived out of state did not want to believe her and still don't. Trust me on this the children require love more than they care about what Dad is wearing....as long as you set bounderies. I have never dressed in front of any but my oldest child/daughter.

My ex-wife, had some initial issues and then came to accept it, and even to encourage it. We eventually divorced over mother in law issues. She is dealing with cancer now and we have had some long talks. She tells me that leaving me was the biggest mistake in her life. That she misses her "girlfriend" very much and that life with a "Manly man" ( her current husband) is boring and unfullfilling. I'm not saying that you will find yourself in this situation, just that things change. And people can find themselves years later with attitudes that they never thought possible.

Lastly, ask yourself why you feel betrayed. I'm sure you do, and only you can answer this for yourself. But is it because he hid something important from you before you were married? This is more common than you think. It is very rare for people to tell their significant other every. single. detail. of their life, before they take the next step. It is human nature. Very few people are open books.

If you do go to a therapist try to go to a one who is non sectarian. I know a lot of marriages ended because they chose their minister.

good luck and remember that this too will pass with the passage of time.

[sometimes_miss]

The most important thing to remember, is that he's the very same person that he's always been, and his love for you is the same as well. Only your perception of him, is what has changed.
No one chooses to become a crossdresser. For many of us, we go through a period in our lives where we were able to stop, and think that it was either a phase we were going through, or, that we have 'beaten' it and will feel no further desire to crossdress. Unfortunately, the desire seems to always come back, even stronger than before. Are we 'broken'? Well, no. But we're stuck with a desire to do something that most women can't accept.

Perhaps look into discussing this with a gender specializing therapist; it will be helpful to have a non critical objective viewpoint as you and your husband go through this together.

[Aunt Kelly]

"Confused" you certainly must be, and I get the sense of betrayal, but I'd suggest thinking about it a little bit differently. You husband has probably always been this way, so this coming to light now is not really a betrayal, but he has deceived you by hiding this from you. The hurt you're feeling now that the deception has come to light is legitimate and real. Nothing anyone here can say will change that.

The two of you can get past this, but you (both of you) will need to deal with the trust issue. Your husband must take ownership of the deception and the damage that has caused. You must understand that the desire to crossdress is a part of him, and that while he may be able to suppress it, that act of suppression often has undesirable long-term sequelae.

You've already been flooded with opinions and advice. The best of that advice is to seek counseling. Find someone you both can trust to help you develop a better understanding of this thing. It seems that you both love each other, and that's a great place to start the process of understanding. Go find that guide and get back to a happy life. It is possible.

[Lydianne]

Sometimes the knowledge about how a food is prepared can put you off, even if it tasted good beforehand. Hence "fair trade" and "sustainably grown".

- Lydianne.

[Maid_Marion]

I had a discussion with a Genetic Girl about how much fun clothes shopping is when you are small. I am petite XS so there are always cute things to buy. She was into vintage clothes at thrift stores.

[Tracii G]

I found her use of illogical a bit strange or even illogical if you will.
Her attitude towards this subject shows a strong level of sexism.IMO
Men can wear only this or women can only wear that and there will be no deviation because you and society says so? Sorry honey you don't make the rules.
She has no idea how deep this subject is and that its not all black and white but many shades.
Ellbee makes some great points.

[Rochal Tukque]

Dear Confused, I don’t think any of us are able to perfectly hide our femme side %100 percent from our partners. There are always little tall tail signs. So what made him special over other people you may have an interest in? Maybe your eye might have caught some of those little femme things that made the WHOLE package that special person in your life. Someone you desired to spend your life with. So what has really changed? He’s been dressing all along. All of that is what made up that person you love. Dressing is part of our being it’s not we are a separate person for it and it is intertwined in who we are. I think if you think on it for a while, you’ll find you saw some of those things that made up the one that caught your eye.

[docrobbysherry]

Confused: U have every rite to feel betrayed. He should have told u before!

However, there were reasons he didn't. Until u and we know what they were? I believe u should hold off coming to any conclusions! He may be as upset as u r!

[Patience]

C&B:

You can’t think we’re so terrible if you chose to vent your frustration here.

If you honestly give yourself a chance to understand us, I think you’ll find that we’re just like everybody else, except that we’re unique in this special way; just like others have different things that are special about them. Yes, there’s a social stigma to it, but so do many things. Crossdressers are not out to harm others and crossdressing is not illegal. We just want our place in the sun like everyone else.

But you’re missing the greatest silver lining of them all: we often read and hear stories of women in unhappy marriages because of physically and/or emotionally abusive husbands. What percentage of those were also crossdressers? Now, I’m not saying they don’t exist; but without being too smug about it, being a crossdresser requires a certain sensibility you wouldn’t find in your average abusive husband; in fact, this kind of sensibility would very much go against their grain, if you know what I mean.

There are stories on this forum about folks who come out to their wives after 10,20 or more years of marriage. I think it’s a good sign that your husband had enough faith in you and your marriage to come out to you after only two years. I don’t know your husband, but I’ll bet he’d have told you on day one if he weren’t afraid of how you might react. Withholding this information from you during this time wasn’t pleasant for him either, so even though it may not seem that way right now, you’re both better off, because now it’s out in the open, you can work through it together.

So welcome to the forum, such as it is. There’s a lot of good info. There’s also a lot of threads that are pointless and stupid. So it’s pretty much your average kind of forum. Good luck sifting through it.

[Helen_Highwater]

Hi and welcome.

Your feelings are totally understandable. As you say things such as this just don't pop up in even someone's wildest dreams.

I feel it's worth reiterating that he remains the same person. This isn't a reflection of any shortcomings on your part. It was there in him from the start. Read here and you'll see that so many of us can trace our dressing back to pre teens. Keeping it hidden is a consequence of society's view the nature of a CD'er in much the same way Gay people were viewed only a matter of decades ago. Thankfully trans issues are now starting to gain the respect and tolerance now afforded to the wider LGBT community.

What I did find illuminating was your comment;

"*but what he wants to wear at home just makes me sick in my stomach. I always imagined what he wants for himself would be what he would want to see me in"

From this I'm assuming your SO's dressing is perhaps more towards the fetish fantasy side. More street walker than dog walker. I could see why something like that would place the seeds if doubt as to whether or not you are fulfilling his inner desires. I think it's safe to say that the two aren't linked. There are a few here who mix their dressing with what goes on in the bedroom. However I feel it's fair to say that they're not mutually inclusive. The two can easily be separated into two distinct parts.

Tell your SO about your dislike of what he wears and see if he can explain what draws him to it. If he dressed in something a little more conservative would you find that easier to come to terms with?

Now dialogue has started keep it going. Stay calm, don't panic, you can work this out.

[Andrea Renea]

This is tough when you first find out. Usually by accident. He did the right thing by telling you himself.

Sound like your marriage was good before you found out.

Work through this. Its not the end of the world.
Work together to set ground rules about his dressing.

I told my wife 18 years into our marriage. She was surprised. Her biggest concern was and is that someone we know will see me out in public.
For her she has a 2nd set of clothes to choose from.

Communication is the key to working through this.

I wish you both the best.

Andrea

[Confucius]

I'm sorry to hear about how your husband's crossdressing is causing such problems. I know its hard to understand, and I understand you feel betrayed. However he is still the same person you married, and this is not something that will ruin your marriage.

From my understanding, you have needs, and he has needs, and there are some conflicts here that need to be resolved. This requires you keep the lines of communication open. In my case, it was a surprise for my wife too. I was determined to let her know that she came first in my life, and she was determined to be as understanding as possible. She set down some rules that let me know where her boundaries limits existed. I was to keep it private, not before the children, limited to the home, etc. I was limited to some sleep clothes for years. However, as the years passed she become more comfortable with it. She slowly realized that I was not going to turn into a female. I was not gay. I was not trying to impersonate a female. I was just dressing because it was comfortable and made me happy. Somehow my brain is hardwired to release dopamine and other feel good neurotransmitters whens I wear something feminine. She still doesn't allow me to wear a wig, make-up and some other things, because it goes beyond her tolerances.

Yes, sometimes I wish I could completely dress as a gorgeous woman, but I am satisfied with my limited crossdressing. I think you and your husband will find some sort of middle ground that allows both of your needs to be met.

[Susan Smith]

Really? Your husband confides something to you and you come to this forum to talk about you and your feelings. Have you considered the injustice? If you feel like wearing trousers and a shirt no one will look twice. If your husband feels like wearing a skirt, you worry what the kids will think. Then you imply that maybe it's about more than clothes. Get a grip. Some of us like clothes that society says are only for women. That doesn't make us weirdos and it shouldn't threaten your marriage. Sometimes, being 'anxious' is a choice. Relax a little. What your husband chooses to wear in the house is not a threat to you, it's just a way to express with someone he loves and trusts a part of him he prefers to keep from other people. Help him create a place where he can express this part of who he is.

[confused_cathreen]

Ellbee, you missed the point of my post entirely but somehow, it didn’t surprise me. The OP could have never imagined her husband would be into just wearing the female clothes for fun. And why should she? Movies and travelling? I bet you he didn’t mind sharing those pieces of little preferences before marriage. But somehow, the preference for female clothes was not an important thing to share? Reaaaallly now? And calling a female sexist for saying that it’s an illogical assumption to expect something like this from your seemingly vanilla partner? Pwlease! You brought this up in the Ask a GG thread and you got the same answer from all but your comprehension skills need some work. It is NOT that you want to do it. You can go out dressed as a flamingo if it rocks your boat. But at least you are open about it and if you find a female out there who gets excited by pink flamingos, then you know you are set for life! But no, sneak, hide, manipulate and deceive and then expect your behaviour to be considered logical. Yeah….no.
On the subject of comfort, leggings, sure. I see them every day at the gym, on females and males alike. Excellent, I don’t care. But from what I read for the majority of this crowd, this is not what rocks their boat. Because nothing screams comfort like bras, corsets and 6 inch heels. Again, yeah….no. All of the above? The majority of this community has no idea why they feel this need. Do you think anything that is deeply emotional, like the subject of crossdressing, is logical? Hence, illogical. As a female, the perpetuating fetishized image of females is tiresome, and inherently sexist. And on the subject of women talking about nail polish and purses? You are funny. Yeah….no. Passing comments,” I got a nice bag on sale the other day.” Really? How much? “It was £50 off, good deal.” Ah great. That’s what you get. This is what constitutes a conversation about bags to you? You must be part of a secret society of females who get together and discuss the latest catwalk fashion for days because in my circles, you are more likely to hear long diatribes about the mess that is Brexit than what the summer colours are going to be this year. Hold the invite for that society by the way, I will not partake.
Tracii, if I understood correctly, you were into just wearing female clothes once yourself but then you understood that you are transgendered? If you yourself don’t know what or who you are, how do you think others will know that? You heard this before, for straight non-conflicting gendered females, this is like saying you come from Mars and breathe through gills behind your ears. The OP married a full-on male for all intents and purposes, with no interest in sitting around the living room in a prom dress. She didn’t say that she thinks those who want to do that are strange or bad. And neither am I. But she never agreed to spending her life with one. She signed on the dotted line with the understanding of she’ll have a mate for life who has no such desires. Now, whether her husband likes it or not, it’s up to her to decide if a future with a prom dress wearing husband is what she wants. And she is absolutely within her rights to decide, you know what, I like my man in flannel pyjamas, as he has been portraying himself for three years. Like she would be well within her rights to reject anything outside her comfort zone, as her hubby misrepresented himself before marriage and for the first two years of it. Unfortunately though, I am afraid that with two young children, the choice is not so clear cut. And that is not only illogical, but immoral. Annoyingly, the OP mentioned from the start that she doesn’t want to hear unkind comments but you thought the you seem self centered is a valid comment and not just absolute vitriol. Yeah….no. Grats for sharing your undeniably logical view… /s

[Teresa]

Confused Cathleen,
You just describe the problem with a male partner revealing his crossdressing needs , they are phases most of us go through before we find oursleves . You are so right not many wives / partners want to have her man about the house in a prom dress , or 5" heels and all the rest . A good GG friend once suggested we revert to adolescent teenage girls when we fisrt come out , which I'm inclined to agree with . I may live alone after separating from my wife after 44 years of marrige through my TG issues but I don't sit around the house the way you describe , I have to run my home now and altough I dress full time I will wear what you or any other GG would wear to do my jobs and run my errands . The point I'm, making is finding a balance doesn't happen overnight and it can only happen if the wife or female partner allows it . As you know very fea of us are gay and only a small minority will transition .

Women can come to terms with it in fact some do enjoy it , we estimate about 25% of my social group members are accompanied by their wives/ partners .

The bottom line is give it time and be patient , OK introduce some ground rules but try not to suppress too much as it can be mentally destructive .

[ellbee]

Ellbee, you missed the point of my post entirely but somehow, it didn’t surprise me. The OP could have never imagined her husband would be into just wearing the female clothes for fun. And why should she? Movies and travelling? I bet you he didn’t mind sharing those pieces of little preferences before marriage. But somehow, the preference for female clothes was not an important thing to share? Reaaaallly now? And calling a female sexist for saying that it’s an illogical assumption to expect something like this from your seemingly vanilla partner? Pwlease! You brought this up in the Ask a GG thread and you got the same answer from all but your comprehension skills need some work. It is NOT that you want to do it. You can go out dressed as a flamingo if it rocks your boat. But at least you are open about it and if you find a female out there who gets excited by pink flamingos, then you know you are set for life! But no, sneak, hide, manipulate and deceive and then expect your behaviour to be considered logical. Yeah….no.
On the subject of comfort, leggings, sure. I see them every day at the gym, on females and males alike. Excellent, I don’t care. But from what I read for the majority of this crowd, this is not what rocks their boat. Because nothing screams comfort like bras, corsets and 6 inch heels. Again, yeah….no. All of the above? The majority of this community has no idea why they feel this need. Do you think anything that is deeply emotional, like the subject of crossdressing, is logical? Hence, illogical. As a female, the perpetuating fetishized image of females is tiresome, and inherently sexist. And on the subject of women talking about nail polish and purses? You are funny. Yeah….no. Passing comments,” I got a nice bag on sale the other day.” Really? How much? “It was £50 off, good deal.” Ah great. That’s what you get. This is what constitutes a conversation about bags to you? You must be part of a secret society of females who get together and discuss the latest catwalk fashion for days because in my circles, you are more likely to hear long diatribes about the mess that is Brexit than what the summer colours are going to be this year. Hold the invite for that society by the way, I will not partake.

OMG, wait a second... Someone's "seemingly vanilla" husband likes to, as you put it, have FUN?!? *gasp* Say it ain't so!


Next thing they'll be saying is that they never expected their hubby to also like being comfortable, or temporarily escaping the everyday world, or needing to de-stress, or enjoying certain sensations, or exploring & experiencing new & different things!!

What an absolutely mad world we live in, indeed!


Oh, wait- I get it: He never told her! Sneak, lie, manipulate, deceive!!

Well, did she ever think to ask directly? Or even simply broach the subject in at least a general sense at *some* point along the way?

One would think they would get to know their potential life-partner a bit better -- you know, before tying the knot. Perhaps they were too busy discussing such "important & personal-life-impacting" topics like Brexit?


And before anyone thinks otherwise: No, I'm not "blaming" any wife -- you know, like some automatically place 100% of the blame on the guy. Aren't relationships supposed to be a 2-way street, focusing on communication? Or is that just some fluff that some like to preach but not actually practice? Because the evidence on that is becoming quite clear.


Anyway, it must be very tough for someone to live a life that's perfectly scripted ahead of time, and has absolutely no surprises (whether good, bad or interesting) for the rest of their natural time here on earth. How they manage that, is beyond me. Oh, that's right: Obviously they don't. Because life simply doesn't work that way, despite one's desires & protests.


And do you really want to go into specifics (which arguably may be hyperbole)? Okay, fine...

- A bra *can* be super comfy & supportive. For more than 12 hours? No, probably not, for most bras & people. But maybe it's simply a matter of finding the right one for you? Not for nothing, but there are plenty of valuable resources available online, such as forums, blogs & YouTube channels, that cater to everyday women & their clothing. Maybe you should look into it sometime? Or would doing so absolutely floor you, instead preferring to live life with blinders on?

- Have you ever worn a properly-fitting, decent-quality corset? Not for everyone, no, understood. But get this: Some people actually *like* wearing them! I know, what a shock, eh? It's an amazing sensation that rivals no other, really. If you've never tried one, then stop knocking it. And if you have? That still doesn't negate the fact that just because *you* don't personally like them, that there are plenty (men & women) who *do* enjoy wearing them, finding them surprisingly comfortable!

- 6-inch heels? Hmm, bit excessive, perhaps -- even for a place like this. Not sure how much I see of that here. Though, again: There are heel-enthusiasts (regardless of gender) all over the world! Comfortable for me? No, my feet are shot at this point. But why do you have such an issue with people liking them? Sexist & fetishist, you say? Fine: Woman-up & go take it up with all your fellow *GG's* who are "perpetuating this stereotype"... Because there are more than enough to keep you plenty busy. And good luck with that. (No, on second thought, better not... Much easier to pick on some bumbling CD'ers, like shooting fish in a barrel, eh? Must be oh-so empowering.)


Finally...

Yes, CD'ing, at least on some levels, makes perfect logical sense. Above & beyond what's already been mentioned, is a little science thingy called "brain chemistry." And I'm sure those who aren't into fashion & beauty have had more than enough time to become quite an expert on it all, correct? Otherwise, they wouldn't be making such statements as we've seen here, (e.g., "Do you think anything that is deeply emotional, like the subject of crossdressing, is logical? Hence, illogical.")


Anyway, I'm glad that this is discussion has evolved into the way that it has -- all from a single, terse, thread-starting post. No doubt we've given the OP some things to think about. If anything, I'm sure we'd all agree that they certainly made that all-important positive first step. And for that, they must be applauded.