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Thread: So incredibly lost

  1. #51
    Resident Polymath MarinaTwelve200's Avatar
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    It simply boils down WHY he crossdresses------ Homosexuality. Bisexuality and Transsexualism could really play hell with a conventional marriage and family life. and crossdressing happens in each of those cases.--- CD is a SECONDARY condition held in common with a variety of psychological anomalies (Note, I did NOT say "Disorders" ) But simply wanting to have fun and relax in an unconventional manner, or satisfy curiosity, should be entirely harmless even if involves crossdressing too. CDing itself may not be the problem at all, one has to look at THE UNDERLYING reason for CDing. This reason could be harmful to the relationship or just a "fun kink". CD is not a condition in it self and is not related to any sexuality identity issues---its just an activity shared by MANY many possible and different factors.

  2. #52
    Member MonctonGirl's Avatar
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    His desire to dress this way has little, or more likely NOTHING, to do with you.
    A great idea might be to ask him (gently, inquisitively, sincerely - so as not to create conflict ) "Most crossdressers had the desire to wear women's clothing from a very early age ... when did it start for you?" And then LISTEN.
    Another great idea ( to get you some true insight into the future ) is to ask: "Would you like to plan a short vacation to another city where nobody knows you and get one of those consultants who help men do a complete makeover with clothing, makeup and wigs that "pass" and accompany you in a public outing where you can feel safe?" And then LISTEN... and a day or so later, discuss some ground rules for his indulging at home.
    Regarding your kids, unless you're in a very small town, they've been indoctrinated (brainwashed) by the school system and media to think this is not only "acceptable" behavior, but "desirable" behavior, so I wouldn't worry TOO much about that.
    Stats show that MOST crossdressers are heterosexual ( interested in opposite sex ) and the fantasy for us has many motives.
    Some just like the texture and feel of women's clothes. Others do it just to de-stress and not "be a man" and hold every emotion inside, so, perhaps it might open lines of communication about his life's worries which he deals with ... IF you are cool about it.
    Last edited by MonctonGirl; 06-08-2019 at 06:14 PM.

  3. #53
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    Hi Confused , The main thing is keep the lines of communication open maybe like myWife Set workable boundaries

    that you both can work with, A great marriage is based on Give & Take. >Orchid ..++..
    Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......

    I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !

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  4. #54
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    Thank you for your kind words. I am certainly not afraid of the negative comments, I scroll on by. I came here for advice understanding and encouragement. I understand he is the man I fell in love with and have accepted that. We had that very discussion this weekend and I realize that is probably part of what attracted me to him and I am ok with that. I’m not afraid or unaccepting of anything. I’m just trying to wrap my head around it and didn’t know where else to turn other then to him. But at times he shuts down on me and I feel like I’m back at square one.

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    [QUOTE=Jodie_Lynn;4368269]Seconding what Micki Finn said!
    Thank you for understanding! I know he has feelings but I do too. I came here for help not to be put down. But I knew it would only be a matter of time before they showed up.

  5. #55
    Miss Judy Judy-Somthing's Avatar
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    I wish my wife could accept that I like to dress now and then but it gives her an uncomfortable feeling.
    I told her two years ago and now I just hide it. I don't like to but when I try to tell her she gets very angry.
    I'm trying to stop but after dressing for fifty years I doubt I can.
    Last edited by Judy-Somthing; 06-09-2019 at 02:06 PM.
    "This is ME" I am not CRAZY, I'm just a GUY who likes dresses!
    Since allot of men dress up in woman's clothing that makes it a manly thing to do!
    Much more fun than fishing.
    I do construction like house building and I love CD-ing, what's the difference?

  6. #56
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Confusedandbetrayed View Post
    ...But at times he shuts down on me and I feel like I’m back at square one.
    That's very, very common. He is ashamed, and feeling guilty for the pain this has caused you. The trick is to find a way to get him to open up and communicate. You know him better than anyone here, so I won't pretend to know how best to do that, but I do know that communication is the key to getting past this. Find a way to make him understand that you are interested in figuring out how the two of you can deal with this, together, because right now, in addition to the guilt, he's probably feeling beyond powerless.
    And I am not ignoring the hurt you feel for having been deceived. That too is something is something that needs to be addressed. Rebuilding the trust that has been shattered will be essential to finding an effective way to deal with the gender issues.

    Hugs,

    Kelly
    Calling bigotry an "opinion" is like calling arsenic a "flavor".

  7. #57
    tiptoeing thru the tulips ellbee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Confusedandbetrayed View Post
    Thank you for your kind words. I am certainly not afraid of the negative comments, I scroll on by. I came here for advice understanding and encouragement. I understand he is the man I fell in love with and have accepted that. We had that very discussion this weekend and I realize that is probably part of what attracted me to him and I am ok with that. I’m not afraid or unaccepting of anything. I’m just trying to wrap my head around it and didn’t know where else to turn other then to him. But at times he shuts down on me and I feel like I’m back at square one.

    ...

    I came here for help not to be put down. But I knew it would only be a matter of time before they showed up.

    Glad to read your follow-up post!


    And yes, I suppose some of us may jump the gun a bit, at times, perhaps even with some pre-judgements & negative comments, maybe based on some "triggering" words/phrases/thoughts/opinions. But understand that this forum has been around for a good while, with some long-time members still present & active. IOW, a lot has gone on, well before you registered/lurked. Sometimes things, whether specific or generally-speaking, inadvertently begin to "piggyback" on others' threads... But certainly not exclusive to this place, either. Welcome to the internet?

    Keep in mind, too, that due, in part, to the potentially sensitive nature of all this, that things can get a bit heated every now & then. Some GF's/wives may have a more difficult time than others... And not only do some CD'ers "get some crap" from (non-SO) others sometimes, in the offline world -- but we also have to deal with everything internally throughout our lives, on top of all this, as well.


    And that leads to you saying that your husband sometimes "shuts down" on you. Understandable, for sure.

    CD'ing *can* be a bit of a personal & solitary thing, for many. For years or even decades, they may keep this part of themselves hidden from others. There can be some fear & guilt & shame, and some non-acceptance, of one's self. But then to bring someone else into the fold -- perhaps the most important person in their life? A bit scary & unsettling, to say the least.

    Try to give him some time -- and yourself some time, as well.



    Anyway, I wanted to touch on this again, though this time with a bit more of what you originally wrote...

    "I understand it is just clothes - I mean I hope that’s all for now..."


    Oftentimes people see things in the media, for example, that may lead them to believe that 2 + 2 = 5 -- when in actuality, it's simply 4.

    Oh, let's pick Caitlyn Jenner, why not. Quite visible, for sure.

    So, a guy wants to dress like a woman sometimes (with clothing), maybe even temporarily look like a woman (with a wig, make-up, etc.). Okay, fine. Maybe a bit weird to some, but whatever. Though that does *not* necessarily mean this guy now wants to *transition* to a full-time woman! But sometimes, people may automatically assume "the worst" with all this -- because through no fault of their own, that's all they've really been exposed to with this stuff.

    Of course, that's not to say that your husband definitely will not go this route someday. But odds are? He won't -- because he's not wired that way, like Caitlyn Jenner is. Again, odds are, your husband simply likes to sometimes wear stuff that's made for women... Whether it's for comfort, temporary escape, sexual release, whatever.


    I know it may be a bit confusing & unsettling for you, but honestly? Try to view this as an interesting (and perhaps even fun?) learning & growing experience. You now get to explore another part of your significant other, that you weren't previously consciously aware of. Is that really such a bad thing?


    Anyway, I am curious, if you don't mind sharing...

    As far as you know, *how* does your husband "do" CD'ing?

    For example, does he simply wear some clothes sometimes? Such as? And are there other things like a wig & make-up? Have you seen his things yet? Is there, um, "self-pleasure" involved? Has he been doing this long? And how often?

    I dunno, stuff like that. You mentioned that he only keeps it behind closed doors. But just trying to get a better sense of what's been going on.

  8. #58
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    Susan, your opening words were too harsh, me thinks. She's in turmoil right now and came to us for help. Let's help her, not shoot her down. "Get a grip" is inappropriate.

  9. #59
    Silver Member Pumped's Avatar
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    Confused, When my wife found out about my desire to dress after 30 years of marriage, I though we were done. Your husband is hurting in many ways. He is probably ashamed of his desire to dress. He knows he has betrayed you and is afraid you will toss him out and anything more he says is just more fuel for the fire, so he shuts down. He is afraid to admit to anything more. It will take time. Let him know you are not going anywhere, but you do want this out in the open.

    As for the children, perhaps Dad needs some time alone, locked in the bedroom once in a while, later on in the evening when the kids are asleep. I can understand no wanting for them to have to deal with it.

    This is going to take some time, months or even years before you two are comfortable with "it"! Relax, tell him you love him, often. Treat him like you always have if not better. Keep the communication going, but don't try to force it. Let it come as natural and easy as it can. Let him know you want to talk, but no worries, you just want to talk. It will come easier with time.

    My wife has taken a complete turn on my dressing. Very accepting but it has been 2-3 years. The other evening I was wearing black high heeled pumps, black stay up stockings and a pair of tiny black undies and she joked that if she was not so tired she would drag me into the bedroom.

  10. #60
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    Dear Confused. Hang in there, and keep an open mind. He may well NOT know why he has to CD. True! I've prayed to wake up as a girl since I was about 6 y/o but gave that up. This hope never went away. I did everything a boy would do to be 'manly'. When I got married and went into the military, I just knew this feeling would go away, and it did for a while, but it came back like gangbusters! I never told my wife. She discovered it, and it almost ruined our 40 year marriage (She was very Victorian), but we persisted, never talking about it. You and your husband must talk about it now that he's opened his heart to you.

    While you've received a ton of good information and are ignoring the negatives, you need to get your 10 posts so you can PM advisors. I suggest you start with GretchenM. She's 'in the know' to the highest degree and can likely recommend a good gender variant therapist in your area.

    My our sister force be with you. I wish you and your husband the best.

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