Why marriages fail. Was it REALLY your CDing!?
After reading thru all the vitriol, frustration, and anger in Confused's thread I found the need to say something!
It is MY opinion no "good marriages" r ruined by a CDing partner, only "bad marriages".
A bad marriage being one that already has so many issues the CDing is simply the straw that broke the camels back. That was the case in MY marriage. My ex used it as an excuse. But, we split because she found a new partner!
Doubt my theory? Then, post your 2 cents and prove me wrong!
U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.
Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!
I agree!
My wife had a very strong marriage before she found out. We had a rocky year or so in the transitional phase with her adjusting and trying to understand what was going on with me. I asked her once if she was considering getting a divorce and she looked at me in shock and wondered why I would think that! She told me we will work through it and it will be just fine in the end. Today she tells me how much she loves me, drab or dressed. It almost brings me to tears that she has become so excepting.
To mine, too, Pumped! So happy for u BOTH!
U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.
Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!
Lexi; somtimes_miss, simply nailed the correct response. Everything stated in that succinct response is why crossdresser marriages fail...
I don’t think mine was about totally my CDing as she did allow for some of it but for her I crossed the line to many times
in going out in public, she was ok once in a while with me doing that but not as much as I was toward the end.
Of course I did also realize I was actually trans but yes we did have other issues and as she put it I can’t be married to
a women
Doc, I agree with you, I don’t think if a marriage was strong that CD’ing alone would derail it. Most likely there are other issues involved possibly many other issues.
Crissy
I absolutely concur, Doc. CDing is only one of several issues when a marriage breaks down. But it may be the most convenient one to use and the most potent weapon to ruin your reputation and garner sympathy for her.
I 100% agree.
My mariage failed to me wife of 23 years.
But we had many other issues. The CDing was not the true cause.
We fought for so many years. and as I got older and my life was
passing me by, I finally had enough.
Now trying to work thru the divorce issues, certainly is not making things easier.
my sister's reply when I told her how I prefer to dress
"Everyone has there thing, all that matters is that you are happy, love what you do and who you do it with"
I have to agree with most everyone.
I think that in some rare cases it is the cause of a divorce, where the marriage was strong to begin with. I've know a few cases where the wife had a momentary meltdown, and made a snap judgement; only to regret it later.
My ex-wife was still telling me her secrets 12 years into our marriage. She has been with her current hubby for 20 odd years and recently told me that he knows nothing about her. When asked why, she responded that he would leave her if he knew the true her...and that he was NOT like me, an understanding person.
My first marriage did not fail because of CDing. It actually did not fail at all. It was a wonderful success. But ended after more than a quarter century. That said, CDing is far more accepted and embraced and supported and even encouraged in my current marriage. So much so that I appreciate my second wife and second marriage even more than I could have imagined.
During my time attending my husband's social group, I found that one of the reasons that some wives struggled with CDing is the "behavior" that is exhibited while CDing.
There was a couple that had lived together for three years and the GF was recently informed about the CDing. She was surprised but on board and accepting about the dressing. We attended a PRIDE party together where the CDer - in full view of the GF- started dirty dancing, grinding away on a man. The poor GF watched for a while then disappeared. I found her locked in the ladies restroom sobbing away. It took some convincing for her to come out. Her CDer boyfriend proceeded to tell her that he was "caught up in the moment". She later found out that the CDer really liked to be able to attract and be with men while dressed. The outcome: they broke up.
Another CDer did not want his accepting wife to go out with him because he liked to party all night with his CDer friends and then eat breakfast with them in the am. He would not go to weekend family functions with her because weekends were his party nights.
One other story about a CDer who only wanted to visit fetish establishments while dressed. The wife didn't want to participate so she was painted with the "non-accepting brush".
Of course, there were many happy outcomes. However, I have witnessed so many sad stories that involved behavior that just couldn't be ignored.
So, it's not always "about the clothes". Behaviors and attitudes matter. There were possibly other underlying problems in the marriages of these examples but sometimes there is just a breaking point.
Last edited by char GG; 06-08-2019 at 08:59 AM.
Char GG, post #11.
Yes!
It reinforces the thread title. The marriage didn't fail because of the CDing, it failed because of unrealistic expectations of each other, odd control issues, unresolved issues, crappy behavior to one another, lack/loss of respect, and a myriad of other issues!
CDing, even if it is sometimes a catalyst, is never an excuse for crappy behavior or unresolved issues.
Char GG touched a point, but a point that is not always related with CDing...
When you choose to marry, you need to have in mind that your life will change. You can not have beers with your friends like there is no tomorrow, you can not arrive home in the dawn and other bad behavior for a married guy. You have new responsibilities and you can not expect to live you marriage as you were single.
That said, sometimes I see people using their CDing as an excuse to do things like there is no other person on their lives, like they are single again with a new identity.
They may be putting on their CDing the reason for the bad marriage, but deep inside, it is not the real reason.
Kisses
Patricia
Re Char GG post # 11, If someone wants to be an absolute narcissistic jerk and show behavior like she described the marriage or relationship will fail but IMO it would have anyway and no doubt about there being other issues involved.
Crissy
There are numerous reasons why a marriage fails.
In my case, a 29 year old marriage ended, and the reason given was crossdressing and transgender issues. Although, I have to stress that except for visiting sites like this, I did not dress or even own any female apparel for the last 5 years of the marriage, in order to keep the peace.
However, there were financial issues as well. Except for very brief temporary work, she hadn't been employed for over 6 years. After paying for various schooling that she desired, she had 2 degrees and spent her time looking for, and applying to, jobs that she felt were worthy of her. Her job became 'looking for a job', and refused to consider any employment she considered to be "beneath" her. While I worked a full time job 6 days a week, and part time work when I could get it.
Being exhausted and stressed out from trying to keep us afloat and bringing in the money to pay the bills left little time or energy on my part to get 'cuddly' with her, which she resented.
But, she found a way to satisfy her physical needs... with the neighbor.
The trans & CD stuff was just a convenient way to avoid accepting any responsibility for the failure of the marriage.
Last edited by Jodie_Lynn; 06-08-2019 at 09:07 AM. Reason: forgot a word
Before you can love another, you must first like yourself
I Aim To Misbehave
Labels belong on BOXES, not PEOPLE!
I would agree it’s rarely JUST about the man wearing women’s clothes, but I wouldn’t say that it only ends “bad” marriages. I’ve seen marriages TURN bad because of the dressing. In that regard, I think Char is right on the money.
Thank u for proving my point, Char. By posting your experiences with husbands that acted rude, disgusting, and disrespectful to their mates. Problems that have little or nothing to do with how they were dressed.Originally Posted by char GG
Unless you're claiming fem clothes suddenly changed their natural behavior and character?
U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.
Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!
i have to agree with Char (#11). Those are examples of behavior, whether done by a cross dressing man or non cross dressing man, or in fact, a wife or girlfriend would turn off his or her partner.
Over the years I have read many posts which I consider "in your face" posts or "take it or leave it" posts. A man may have total disregard for the feelings of his wife. "Honey, I'm sorry but the weekends are always golfing weekends with the boys followed by some heavy drinking. You go see your family without me!"
Then there are those posts on this site of wives tearing the house apart looking for evidence of her husband's cross dressing. Heaven forbid if she finds a pair of white nylon panties squirreled away in his tool box in the garage.
My wife and I have always considered marriage as an on going work in progress with compromises on both parts. We also don't sweat the small stuff.
Wow!
I was about to reply to char's post, but decided to read the rest of the thread before doing so.
Guess it had an impact on more than just me?
Here's my take on it...
Simply omit the CD'ing part!
- "We attended a party together where the [guy] - in full view of the GF - started dirty dancing, grinding away on a man. The poor GF watched for a while then disappeared. I found her locked in the ladies restroom sobbing away. It took some convincing for her to come out. Her boyfriend proceeded to tell her that he was "caught up in the moment". She later found out that [her BF] really liked to be able to attract and be with men..."
- "Another [guy] did not want his wife to go out with him because he liked to party all night with his friends and then eat breakfast with them in the am. He would not go to weekend family functions with her because weekends were his party nights."
- "One other story about a [guy] who only wanted to visit fetish establishments... The wife didn't want to participate so she was painted with the "non-accepting brush".
Does that kind of stuff happen with non-CD'ing guys? Absolutely.
Heck, even feel free to swap out the guy -- with a GG! Similar results, no doubt.
Lousy behavior is simply lousy behavior. CD'ing involved, or not.
Are the majority of CD'ers like that? I don't believe so. But this is the kind of stuff that paints us with a broad stroke, giving us -- and CD'ing -- a bad name.
And yeah, our personal *relationship* with CD'ing is vital. One could go down the list... For example, spending way too much money that they may not have, on CD'ing stuff... Or always being locked away in a room alone for hours & hours on end, spending way too much time & energy on CD'ing stuff, as other important things go left unchecked... Etc., etc.
But again: CD'ing is not necessarily the only potential "catalyst" for this! Swap it out for pretty much anything else, and it could still easily hold true.
I honestly hope it's really not about the clothes/presentation, per se. Though I suspect many (but not all!) GF's/wives still have at least a small issue with that, in & of itself.
Regardless, thank you for your excellent post, char!
My wife and I have been best friends since the day we met. We tell each other everything and don't try to hide anything. When I came out to her about my need to CD she said that she wants me to be happy and she will deal with it. We are only a couple of months into this journey and nothing has changed in our relationship.
If your marriage has a good, strong foundation to begin with, CDing will not ruin it.
My WonderfulWife of 55yrs. Has always known about my CDing, Over the years he has been off and on with it
there have been many potholes along the way but were always quickly patched over and now we have a very workable
DA/DT, She knows that it is something that I have to do, She just don't want to have see me while I am dressed
but she knows all about everything she even pierced my ears for me.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>Orchid ..OO..
Last edited by BLUE ORCHID; 06-08-2019 at 06:21 AM.
Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~...
I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !
If at first you don't succeed, Then Skydiving isn't for you.
Be careful what you wish for, Once you ring a bell , you just can't Un-Ring it !! !!
Sounds like you are both secure in your marriage and yourselves. Insecurity can wreak havoc on a marriage no matter what the issue is.My wife and I have been best friends since the day we met. We tell each other everything and don't try to hide anything. When I came out to her about my need to CD she said that she wants me to be happy and she will deal with it. We are only a couple of months into this journey and nothing has changed in our relationship.
If your marriage has a good, strong foundation to begin with, CDing will not ruin it.
Enacting life's lessons into positive change...
A lot of it was the cross dressing .There was also other things like well crossdressing and then there was lets compromise which meant yea um cannot do this .In the end it is what it is .Was i perfect no but i tried to make up for what i did she did not notice .12 yrs gone by
I have a hubcap diamond star halo
I read an interesting study awhile ago that the success of a marriage can be predicted by close observation of how a couple interact. It’s not their words but facial expressions that reveal their future. The worst thing to see are signs of disgust like lip curling (I don’t recall details, but I’m not far off). At one time I pranced around in frilly things and noticed my wife’s expressions as approaching disgust. I tamped down my crossdressing around her. Around her I wear clothes similar to her style. She knows I have pretty sleepwear and a long dress but doesn’t see me in them. She is cool with things and we love each other deeply, so there is room for missteps.
My sense is modifying my crossdressing in her presence helped avoid a marriage problem.
It all depends. Marriages that occur with hidden agendas, in both cases, will probably not survive. Trust, truth and honesty are the most important parts of a relationship for both. I told my wife before we walked the aisle, thinking she’d bolt, but it was because of my honesty that she became involved and supportive. There were other “adjustments” that we worked through and compromised. I think someone else mentioned that when it’s discovered or comes out, it’s the final “straw that broke the camels back”, because the relationship was already in difficulty.
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