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Thread: Live isn't fair

  1. #1
    I accept myself as is Gillian Gigs's Avatar
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    Live isn't fair

    Let me start off by saying that life is not fair. It seems that this is not obvious to some people in this world. Discussions go from the sublime to the ridiculous, but it still doesn’t remove the fact that life isn’t fair. When it comes to CD’ers, many people in this world don’t understand the why’s of their dressing, or even care for that matter. So, this begs the question, what do we, as CD’ers, want so that everything is ‘fair’. When many examine why women get to wear men’s clothes, and men don’t get to wear women’s clothes, they are forgetting one important thing? Women that may be wearing men’s clothes are not attempting to look and act like men. They are simply wearing something that is comfortable for them at that given time. Can the same be said for some, or all CD’ers? I can only speak for myself, I don’t attempt to pass for looking like a woman, yet I wear some clothes that are traditionally are considered to be women’s clothing. By definition, I am crossdressing, so what is the point. Life is not fair, that is the point!

    Yet I wonder is it jealousy that causes us to feel that it isn’t fair. Would we still be CD’ers if it was the year 1819, or 1919, looking at the rights and freedoms that women had in those days, or would we only be interested in the finery of the rich? The lives of women was no picnic during that time period, so would the vast majority of CD’ers want anything to do with what women were going through in those time periods. I’m not so sure that most of there clothes would be comfortable anyway!

    As women were emancipated, men themselves didn’t realize that they need to have freedom also. The masculine needs to be more than cannon fodder for whatever a countries leader lusts after. Men needed to have ways to express the gentler caring side that is within them. Some needed the freedom to express the strong feminine side within them that gets hidden and buried through shame, bullying, etc. Some may be just looking to find a way to express an intellectual nature that encompasses more than just the masculine. Then again for some there is a strong biological drive that says that they are not who everyone thinks that they are. Live is not fair!

    Within the CD culture there are many types. Whether life is fair to them boils down to possibly what type they are. Whining about why life isn’t fair changes nothing. Accept yourself, change yourself, just realize that you are never going to please everyone.
    I like myself, regardless of the packaging that I may come in! It's what is on the inside of the package that counts!

  2. #2
    Gold Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Gillian,
    It may come at a price but nowdays we can make life fair . It's great we live in 2019 and not 1819 or 1919 as the sitaution has swung so far in favour of the TG community . I personally can't complain about life being unfair because I'm comfortably out and living the lifestyle I prefer . The role of the modern male has changed , women are equals in many respects , I do agree they still have a greater and freer choice of clothes but I still don't see that many wearing male clothes , they don't need to because they have a wider choice than ever in their own styles .
    The real me ,no going back.

  3. #3
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    Gillian,

    I think you make some good points in your argument. To me, the fairness in life is in part what happens to you and in part what you make of what happens to you. If you look at the totality of life you find that hardly anything lives a completely fair life. It is hard work and fraught with many hazards that seem to just happen. I never expect life to be fair, especially when one is pushing the boundaries and causing bulges in the acceptable that many freak out over making them think I will pop the balloon.

    In my view, the world of CD and TG folks is one of living on the edges of acceptability in the eyes of traditional social views. For tens of thousands, even hundreds of thousands of years Homo sapiens has been living in a male/female world as did our ancestors for the last 2.6 billion years when male and female first appeared on Earth. And not many of us occupy the middle ground between those two or even jump to the other side for some inexplicable, all consuming reason.

    There have always been TG people and probably CDs to some extent. The idealistic male/female duality is just that - idealistic. It has never really existed. Humans have always had some kind of gender spectrum and in some social structures the TG folks are given special status and special spiritual roles that "normals" have great difficulty attaining. Is that fair? Only if the society accepts it. In others they become the spiritual leaders of the people because they are thought to have both a man and woman spirit within them and are therefore put there for a reason - to lead and help the people live better. Is that fair to the Normals? Not really because those spiritual people get special privileges. Nevertheless, it works out just fine.

    In Western society, your points certainly apply. But they don't have to. As Teresa implies, you can make it more fair. That said, until society changes its concept of what is acceptable gender behavior, there will always be unfairness for those of us who really have to take a different path because we basically were made that way. But that does not mean everybody else is normal and fits the ideal. They don't. In fact, few do. But because our society erroneously equates sex and gender, gender variance is considered a threat to sexuality. And in humans, you DON'T threaten sexuality. That is sacred land. Humans are way overpopulated and we consider all sorts of ways to deal with that, except one. The one idea that always bounces of the kryptonite wall is "have fewer babies." So obvious, but that is a threat to reproductive freedom, a biological gift that also threatens the male/female connection and its sexuality. But when some males and females kinda sorta become the other gender (read "sex") that is a threat to the future of humanity because they forsaken Law 1 of Biology - Above all else, though shalt breed.

    To me, it is all a matter of adaptation that includes compromising some aspects of my behavior to avoid discrimination while pushing a few other areas beyond the expected. It means I have to compromise some of myself in behavior, but one thing society cannot touch are my thoughts and my view of myself. Is that dishonest? In a sense, yes it is. However, in my mind, who we are is in our thoughts and secondarily how we show our thoughts to the world. I love to do little bits and pieces - clothes that at first glance look like men's except for hints in the style and definitely the odd color for a man's clothing that makes people wonder. Is he or isn't he TG? The more they wonder and observe the more they may come to accept some differences at which point we can do something else to confuse them and make them think about what they are seeing.

    That said, Teresa's approach is also good and important. There needs to not only be thought provoking, slightly unconventional folks like me, but also more or less finely finished products like Teresa. With out both people might not make the connection to see, if you look closely, there are intermediate stages between Gretchen, Gillian, and Teresa all over the place. That can make them more accepting through enticing them to think beyond the traditional and obvious and realize those on the fringes, although different, don't bite. They just have a different way and, oh my gosh, their differences just like everybody else's differences.
    Last edited by char GG; 06-15-2019 at 11:41 PM. Reason: Removed reference to specific nationality

  4. #4
    AKA Lexi sometimes_miss's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gillian Gigs View Post
    they are forgetting one important thing? Women that may be wearing men’s clothes are not attempting to look and act like men. They are simply wearing something that is comfortable for them at that given time.
    The thing is, whether women are wearing men's clothes to be more physically comfortable, or men are wearing women's clothing to feel more psychologically comfortable, should not be the issue.
    We should be allowed to wear whatever we want (within reason, no exposing ourselves, for example). But even if we are, the more serious issues will be much harder to change.

    We hear over and over from crossdressers, that women's clothing is more physically comfortable than mens; the 'soft, sliky feeling'; the, 'nicer fabrics', etc.. But that goes against everything that women tell us, so of course they're not going to believe that. After all, when a woman comes home from a long day or evening, the first thing she wants to do, is take off the snug clothing, the bra, the stockings, the heels, and put on a T shirt & gym shorts or sweats. So it makes NO sense to her when we say all of the former stuff feels good. There in is the huge sign to her, that we're lying. Most may not be doing it intentionally; indeed, most have no clue why they want so much to emulate women. But if you cannot tell her, she's going to come up with a reason on her own, and it's definitely NOT going to be the reason you want her to believe.

    Until CD'ers and TG's are willing to admit that we are dealing with some sort of self gender identification problem that is relieved by dressing as females, no one is going to believe us. And even then, most will not accept us. They may accept that we are having a mental health issue, that something occurred that makes us want to dress as women, even act, speak, and behave as women, but they will NOT accept it as normal, and there will still be the problem of women not just not finding us attractive, but often even finding us repulsive instead of as potential mates.

    Women want 'normal', masculine men. Some of this may be due to genetic influence, some may be due to religion, some may be due to upbringing in a patriarchal society. But it's not their fault that they don't find us attractive when we dress and/or behave this way.

    It seems that other than the very, very infinitesimal percentage of women that actually finds us a turn on when we're crossdressed, the best most of us can hope for is winding up in the friend zone.
    Last edited by sometimes_miss; 06-15-2019 at 05:19 PM.
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

  5. #5
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    Not that long ago, Women wore nothing but dresses or skirts. It was when the country needed the women
    during WW-2 to work in the factories, Building everything from Bombers to Jeeps, that the women started to wear pants.
    Is was just practical for them to wear pants while working in the factories.
    When the war ended, women went back to dresses for a few years, I remember my Mom always wore a dress at home.
    Only wore pants if she was working in the Garden.
    Then Fashion changed and Pant suits started, then fashion slacks, now Jeans and anything else you can think of.
    As for the other Sex, well, we are stuck in a rut that I wish we could change.
    Who knows, Maybe some day a Man in a skirt just might walk down the street and no one will care.
    I Hope
    Rader

  6. #6
    Yeah Ok like whatever Tracii G's Avatar
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    Life has never been fair really. The old grass is greener on the other side thing.
    A lot of it is how we individually deal with it.
    Personally I don't care if women wear mens clothes or men wear womens clothes, wear whatever you want and quit complaining.
    If you are in the closet thats fine too but quit complaining because its your decision to be in the closet, you put yourself there.
    I'm just glad to wake up every morning and have another day to live on this planet.
    Head Executive Chief of the Dept of Redundancy Dept.

  7. #7
    Girl about Town Jodie_Lynn's Avatar
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    What is "fair"?

    I'm not trying to be a snarky ferret, but really, what in life is ever fair?

    Some people have the knack of turning 50 cents in 5 million dollars. Others can take $100,000 and turn it into pence. Is that fair?

    Some folk can breeze through an educational course without even cracking a book; others can spend hours studying and still fail.

    To the OP, and anyone else who harbours the notion: If anyone told you that life was "fair", they lied to you.

    Today, I went to my bank, a convenience store, a Chinese take-away, a gas station, and spent the day celebrating LGBT Pride day. I was even in the parade, dressed in a white eyelet dress, white sandals, and a deep purple wig. At NO time, did I feel any animosity from the muggles towards me, and even got complimented on my appearance.

    So maybe I'm missing the point, but where is all this 'unfairness' people keep harping on about?
    Before you can love another, you must first like yourself

    I Aim To Misbehave

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  8. #8
    Yeah Ok like whatever Tracii G's Avatar
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    Jodie some people like to complain just to have something to do.
    Maybe they want sympathy who knows or maybe they want to bring others into their world and have a complaint buddy.
    People like that suck the life out of every one around them.
    Hell I could complain about a lot of things but what good would it do?
    Head Executive Chief of the Dept of Redundancy Dept.

  9. #9
    Isn't Life Grand? AllieSF's Avatar
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    Life not being fair to someone is a very subjective and complaining type of opinion, in my humble opinion. Is life not fair to me because I am afraid of going out dressed very differently from my normal mode? NO!!! No one can say that you cannot go out dressed that way, unless it is some law. The problem with most is that they let their inner fears hold them back. Yes, many years ago it might have been dangerous to go out dressed in some locations, and in a very few that may still exist today. However, what usually holds people back is themselves. Someone who has a right to say that life is unfair is someone who has bad luck not caused by themselves. Someone who is struggling to find a subsistence job and then the total economy falls. Otherwise, it is just life and its normal and usually obstacles that we should be working to overcome or avoid as we move forward to the end. If you want to dress differently, own it, tell everyone that matters, if it is "that" important to you, deal with the heartbreaks and potential loss of friends and get on with life. Good luck and have fun trying.

  10. #10
    Yeah Ok like whatever Tracii G's Avatar
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    Many times I had gotten ahead financially only to be set back by a slowing of business or breakage of equipment that ate up all my companies reserve money I had to use to get things fixed. Things happen and thats how life works.
    We all have things we have to overcome so if you see someone who looks successful chances are they are working their butt off and have their own issues they are dealing with.
    Head Executive Chief of the Dept of Redundancy Dept.

  11. #11
    Senior Member Jean 103's Avatar
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    Feel better?

    You could try living life instead of crying about it.

    I put a luncheon today for like mine of my closest friends at a close friends restaurant.

    Currently my roommate are shopping at Ross.

    Be the person you want to Be .

    Or not.

    how is that working for you.

    To my friends I'm just Jean. They are just regular people as I am. Why would they treat me any different.

  12. #12
    Member AlyssaS's Avatar
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    Fair is the the thing that comes in September where you play some crooked games and eat all the fried food.

    That's the only fair. Life is otherwise a series of successes and challenges, and we get what we make out of those.

  13. #13
    Yeah Ok like whatever Tracii G's Avatar
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    People that complain all the time always seem to blame others for their situation.
    Head Executive Chief of the Dept of Redundancy Dept.

  14. #14
    Aspiring Artist Kelly DeWinter's Avatar
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    At one time I would have agreed with you however I've learned a few secrets that I applied to my life that moved it to life is not only fair, but great.
    . removed the toxic people from my life.
    . built relationships with people whom I have common interests.
    . learned that its OK to have 'me time' for the things I enjoy.
    . I cannot help people who won't help themselves.
    . invest my time, money, physical energy and emotional energy on those who are willing to give back when I have needs.
    . find 3 things every day to be happy about
    Kelly DeWinter
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  15. #15
    Female impostornator! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    In my experience, American men r the most insecure males on the planet! So easily threatened by anything or anyone that mite challenge their masculinity.
    Many T's I've met r twice the men some big, strong, studly types r! Because they KNOW who they r and accept it!

    "Life isn't fair?"
    OMG! Get over it! If u aren't retarded, stuck in a wheel chair, living in a cardboard box on the street in Calcutta? U R VERY LUCKY!

    Count your blessings! Winners don't whine about the things they don't have! If they want something? They go out out and get/do it. U can, too. Then, u will live a happy, satisfying life!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  16. #16
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
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    totally agree that one cannot, and need not expect something from society in general. Each of us has our shortcomings as people....some totally unrelated to the gender we identify with. In the end, each of us must come to grips with who we are....change those things that are susceptible to change, and accommodate, manage or embrace those immutable aspects of our personalities.
    New state, new home, new pics in process

  17. #17
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    Life Isn't Fair, well how about that, sounds exactly like a post Deebra wrote a while back and got hammered pretty good on it. You know, posting the same thing over and over, many became a psychiatrist and diagnosed me many ways. Gillian Gigs glad your post is better accepted. Sounds like "this" could also apply to your post pretty much being accepted and mine pretty much not. Oh well, what the hell, water off of a ducks back.

    Gillian I get what you are saying, I don't think some do saying everything in life isn't fair, do something about it, quit complaining. All you are saying is a woman can wear anything she wants and is accepted, crossdressers are not. I agree with you, we should be treated equally.

  18. #18
    Senior Member Patience's Avatar
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    Wanna know real unfairness?

    Spend some time chez your neighbor to the south.
    When all else fails, lower your standards.

  19. #19
    Girl about Town Jodie_Lynn's Avatar
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    Life isn't fair? No kidding Sherlock.

    I have one friend who lost a leg, and his livelihood to diabetes.

    Another friend with congestive heart conditions that make every day a crapshoot as to whether or not he will see another sunrise.

    A third friend with Parkinson's, and medical issues acquired from events of September 2001.

    My daughter has uncontrolled epilepsy and suffers seizures almost every week.



    If the worst thing that people have to whine & moan about is the "unfairness" regarding their crossdressing, then you should thank your lucky stars, pull up your big girl panties, and move on.
    Before you can love another, you must first like yourself

    I Aim To Misbehave

    Labels belong on BOXES, not PEOPLE!

  20. #20
    Senior Member AmyVanessa's Avatar
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    Smile

    I wish that the male-vs-female dress convention was the biggest unfairness that I had to deal with, but then again, life isn't fair.
    Stay inspired
    Amy

  21. #21
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    You are not going to change the situation by moaning about it. As Jody Lynn said you can go out in public wearing women's clothes if you want. No one is stopping you. There are people who might hurt you if you go to the wrong places but the same is true for natal women. I am not going to pretend that if you turn up at work in a dress without consulting HR there will be no consequences but most places of work will not penalise you. The situation will only change of we normalise it and this can only come about if more of us openly wear the clothes in public. I do this without problem. Others do too. So can you.

  22. #22
    Seamstress of Skirts Asew's Avatar
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    This thread started in a few directions then narrowed to only the fairness. I want to narrow in on wearing clothes for comfort. I think the initial argument about how women can don some male clothes and it is no big deal. But look at what they do, they will only wear one or two things and mix it with standard feminine things like feminine hair, jewelry, and female clothes. And I do the MtF version of this with a mix of female and male appearance elements (non-binary) such as a skirt with a men's button up shirt. People tend to notice but keep to themselves. But they definitely notice more so than a woman donning one or two men's items. So there is some unfairness but most people are chill about it so it doesn't matter usually anyways.

    But many CDers don't want to just wear one or two feminine items for comfort, they want to go the full femme. Doing this usually involves uncomfortable things like makeup, wigs, heels, and tucks. Once you start doing these things you obviously aren't doing it for comfort. There is something more. But in the end it doesn't matter your motivation, just that this is something you want and should be able to do so. It may not be fair, but it isn't as bad as other unfair things other posters have reminded us of.

  23. #23
    I accept myself as is Gillian Gigs's Avatar
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    In looking at the varied comments, I'm struck by another interesting thought. We as humans tend to view things through our own particular bias. To those who think that life is not fair, they see only that life is not fair, from their point of view. Do we as CD'ers tend to see other CD'er out in public, because we are looking for them? Do we again as CD'er see women wearing men's apparel in public, when others don't? The real question should be, how do we as individuals cope, or deal with issues that we may consider unfair! Is there something within us that says I want to be loved and accepted, and until they accept me as I choose to dress, then I'm not loved, or accepted. Maybe that person is looking in the wrong place. If we want love and acceptance, then don't we have to start loving and accepting ourselves first? From my prospective, this requires deep thought and reflection. Looking in the mirror helps us to see our flaws, but we still need the love of others to help us with our blind spots. We all have blind spots, and we don't see them... because...they are blind spots!

    We should all be using a site like this to help us see what we can't see through the usual methods!

    As Jodie_Lynn says, "If the worst thing that people have to whine & moan about is the "unfairness" regarding their crossdressing, then you should thank your lucky stars, pull up your big girl panties, and move on."
    I like myself, regardless of the packaging that I may come in! It's what is on the inside of the package that counts!

  24. #24
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
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    I agree. We are largely in charge of our circumstances and responsible for the choices we make. I’ve done more than my share of whining and moaning...along with that peculiar form of self torture called Depression. There are an ever diminishing number of sunrises ahead for me. I hope to make a better use of the time that remains.
    New state, new home, new pics in process

  25. #25
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jodie_Lynn View Post
    Life isn't fair? No kidding Sherlock.

    I have one friend who lost a leg, and his livelihood to diabetes.

    Another friend with congestive heart conditions that make every day a crapshoot as to whether or not he will see another sunrise.

    A third friend with Parkinson's, and medical issues acquired from events of September 2001.

    My daughter has uncontrolled epilepsy and suffers seizures almost every week.



    If the worst thing that people have to whine & moan about is the "unfairness" regarding their crossdressing, then you should thank your lucky stars, pull up your big girl panties, and move on.
    These examples and untimely loss of loved ones are truly unfair.

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