Together yet very separate

[Rochal Tukque]

Hi all, an observation. Many times I see the girls that go out talk about their solo adventures. One of the girls even said something about not wanting the competition. I’m relating this behavior because it has to do with my experience. Over the months just trying to get the some what local girls to do a drab lunch is a exercise in needless hair pulling. Sending out texted and emails and nothing. Then you get things like your not showing up on our thread. We should get together and it starts all over. This last week tried to get the gang to go an event down south with the group we all belong too. Yes,yes we’re going then thirty minutes later. Well I’ve got other priorities or I think I’ll drive down myself, on and on. Totally frustrating. So does this show we really all do have latent feminine genes and can’t make our minds. Or just lack of plain old respect for others time. Or what do you think?
My impression is the crossdressing community has a long way to go in supporting each other. Together yet very much separate.

[Rachelakld]

It's not like, Oh, your a boy so you must like hanging out with other boys, and your a girl and must like to hang with other girls.

My CD friend is into astronomy, as am I.
she has similar life experiences and common interests.
That's how we support each other - in normal daytime activities.

[Vickie_CDTV]

Some folks have chaotic lives and it may just be difficult to make plans to do anything. Over a certain age, most trans people tend to be married and/or have kids which makes things very difficult (especially if the wife does not know.) Some, like me, are married to their jobs and making plans is difficult for similar reasons.

Not necessarily a matter of being in competition. I suppose some might think they pass better if alone. I don't see it as competition though, like a single GG might see other women as competition for men or whatnot.

When I go out dressed, I try to look as best I can. I don't see it as some kind of competition, I mean, what am I competing for?

[Helen_Highwater]

Rochal,

This is something I've given thought to. Comfortable as I am going out and about alone, how would I feel in the company of one or more CD'ers?

Meeting in a social group, all arriving separately at a venue is one thing, you're only partially if at all in the public gaze. Being out on the street, in the shops, that's a different situation.

Thoughts such as will I be the ugly sister, the one who stands out, blends less, spring to mind. Conversely am I the one who'll be outed by being associated with someone dressed like a hooker? I've also pondered how muggles would react? It's one thing to be one to one with an SA. There's a certain dynamic. Two or more, now you're ganging up on them. And of course, two together, must be Gays. Of course there's nothing wrong in being Gay, it just potentially changes the perception of the viewer and the manner of any interaction.

It's something I think, not yet 100% sure, that I'd like to experience. After all, it's what GG's do, right?

[Crissy 107]

Rochal, That’s too bad, I would like to do a drab lunch with local girls and go from there. I can understand busy schedules and such but at some point it should work.

[Bobbi46]

My ex once said if someone is a friend why is it always me doing the telephone calls? it does make me wonder sometimes how truly are people up for a get together or is it a case of " yeah thats nice I might do that" and then nothing happens, there has to come atime when its right to say so be it I have done my bit I am not doing any more, somebody else can come up with the ideas. Also its down to how much does a person really want to do something or is it all a big daydream.

[sarah_hillcrest]

Rochal, I wonder if this just isn't really a CD community issue. I'm very involved in a certain "outdoor activity" community and I have the exact same issues. You work your tail off to get an event going, and people are on the fence, they always have something going on. It can be really frustrating. The more I think of it, the more similarities I see to your original post.

Oddly I think it was much easier to get people together for real life community before the internet. Maybe people were less busy back in the past?

With CD being a stigmatized activity it's only going to be worse trying to get together in real life.

[Micki_Finn]

So does this show we really all do have latent feminine genes and can’t make our minds.

Whoa! Maybe it’s your latent sexism that’s keeping them away.

[docrobbysherry]

I hang out regularly with a large group of nearby T's. And, have met 100's of others at large events, Rochal. I can tell u that there r a small number them that judge others as, "Not trans enuff for me."

Especially those that don't dress "all the way". I often fall into that same category with some T's because of my masks.

As far as, "feeling like the ugly duckling"? I have found the preponderance of T's to be very open minded and accepting!

[Rochal Tukque]

Whoa! Maybe it’s your latent sexism that’s keeping them away.

I stand corrected before the great all mighty for a mistaken choice of words. The very last thing on my mind would be to offend the group I’m in as a whole the people on this site. Clearly my intentions are to support to the girls in my group that I KNOW and the ones That DON’T know me no matter what their opinion of me may be! Hugs Rochal

[Robertacd]

Maybe it's because many of us suffer from crippling social anxiety to begin with, so going out (DRAG or DRAB) in a group or to a group function is actually a lot harder than going out alone.

[AllieSF]

Some may still be afraid to go out. However, those that say yes and make you believe it are just plain rude. My recommendation is to start with one and have fun. If you two always have fun and interesting tales to tell the others, some of the ones that back out may just join up with you to share in that fun. I started with one when I wanted and needed a sidekick to go out regularly. That then blossomed into two, than three and then sometimes too many. I had a work mate that did that, starting with one over even alone, and then slowly built up a group of like minded individuals to go to fun events as a cohesive group. He is a cis-male and that happened long before I ever found this new and improved version of myself. So, being wanting to do something as a group can be a problem for anyone.

[kimdl93]

I'm a relatively private person. It's my GG friends who are have been gently coaxing me out of my post-divorce isolation. I suppose there are a few people like me here in northeast Texas, but we are all seemingly shy at being out in groups.

[Pumped]

It doesn't matter how you dress, it is tough to get people to commit, then actually show up!

We toss a small party from time to time. We are flexible, so we often send out e-mails asking which weekend out of maybe four different dates works best. People respond well and most say they can't wait as they like our parties. Of course not all people can agree on one date, so we pick the best received date and run with it. We will ask for RSVP because we will furnish the food. By the time the week end comes up that maybe 8-10 couples agreed to, 1/3 cancels, then the day of the party another 1/3 cancels so we go from maybe 10 couples to 3-4 couples. It is crazy!

[Charona]

I remember an adage, possibly from C. Northcote Parkinson, saying that the difficulty of getting a group of people together for a meeting increases as the square of the number of people.

[Vickie_CDTV]

Maybe it's because many of us suffer from crippling social anxiety to begin with, so going out (DRAG or DRAB) in a group or to a group function is actually a lot harder than going out alone.

Excellent point!

[suzanne]

Are you trying too hard to make things happen, rather than letting them happen organically at their natural pace?

I have had many, varied conversations with women, often about intimate subjects they don't normally share with men, and none of them began with me saying, "Let's talk about (whatever girly topic)". It takes a lot for anyone to place their trust in another. Comfort zones develop slowly and can be broken like soap bubbles, by a single poorly chosen word or breach of personal space, and vanish without your knowing it.

[sometimes_miss]

With crossdressers, you're dealing with not just the typical male desire to control and be at the top of the pecking order, but the desire to appear/behave feminine better than other crossdressers, the desire to believe that you pass, and of course the subconscious desire which many have to consciously demonstrate their feminine skills, but while also subconsciously attempting to get across the concept that it's not who they really are, they're really normal masculine men, with zero actual feminine feelings and traits.

It's incredibly complicated, with lots of conflicting feelings, which will often change how someone expresses them, from moment to moment. Best of luck getting it all straightened out.