Thanks for reading this, just venting I guess.
My wife and I are unable to have kids (before anyone mentions adoption just know we looked into it and couldn't afford it). This has been really hard for my wife and Mother's Day is her least favorite day of the year. Oddly Father's day has never really got me down, at least not on the surface. Before leaving for work Sunday morning my wife reminded me it was Father's Day and apologized. I was like, oh yeah I should be sad. There are times I feel down about it. Luckily guys don't go on and on about their kids like women tend to do, (according to my wife) but sometimes guys I know start talking about their kids and their eyes glaze over and I realize I'm never going to experience a love like that. It's the only time it really hurts.
This Father's Day I had nothing to do but take my Dad's gift over and spend some time with my parents. My wife asked me the night before what I was going to do and I said, "Trust me you don't want to know,"
"What's that suppose to mean,"
"I'm going to get dressed up real cute and test out our new photo lights."
She rolled her eyes, "Try not to break the camera, and make sure the blinds are down." I had picked up this skirt from Goodwill that I absolutely adore. My goal was to just try looking like a casual chick, the girl next door, and I wanted to go for a younger fun look. Being a father was the farthest thing from my mind.
My wife left reminding me that I was suppose to be sad today, today was a monument to our failure as humans in spreading our genetic material. I sat on the couch and tried to feel... something. Am I a bad person? I would love to have kids, but I don't, and I don't feel bad about it. Five minutes later I was painting my fingernails bubble gum pink.
I planned to visit my parents around 11, but time flies when you're having fun and it was noon and I was still taking photos. Eventually I found a white fitted T that I'd bought on clearance for 1 dollar and never worn. That was me, the skirt with a little rainbow down the side and the white shirt. "This isn't who I want to be, this is who I am," I said those words to the mirror. I was sorely tempted to go shave my legs and arms. I shaved my legs last summer and no one seemed to notice, but I chickened out this time.
It was 1 PM and I was watching my face run down the bathtub drain. Now I feel bad. I had a great afternoon visiting with my parents and felt much better.