Results of 15 Years of Research on "Passing"

[danam]

I have been researching and contemplating the subject of "passing" for 15 years. Here are the results of my years of experience.

Passing requires three rules. These are:

1. Dress appropriate to the environment. Are you going to the grocery store? Or the opera?

2. Dress appropriate to your age. If you are a 45-year-old GM, dress as a 45-year-old GF. Sorry, but this is a "tough love" message to the community.

3. Use body language that conveys that today is an ordinary day just like any other. You are just another woman getting through the day (and life!) like the rest of us. Behave that way.

If you can nail these three things, you pass. Everything else falls into place. Everything else is just details.

[StephanieIndy]

Great rules! If you dont give people a reason to look at you twice, they wont look at you twice!

[Tracii G]

I totally agree with you Dana.
The only problem is some get offended if you speak the truth.
You will always have the crowd that are in it to shock and be a spectacle.

[Rhonda Jean]

Agreed.

One of the hardest things for me was to quit looking at others for their reaction. If you look like you're looking, you'll likely get a reaction (Did that even make sense?). This has the simultaneous effect of making you look more comfortable/natural and thus passing better. At least I think so. You don't really know if you're not looking at everybody for a reaction!

[syome]

I partially agree, I think the most important thing for passing honestly is feeling comfortable in how you are dressed and just doing your own thing. If you are moving around nervously and cautiously people will notice you more than they would if you are just walking like its any other day. It's one of those things where if you act like you belong then no one will question anything. How I dress has not really changed that much through the years, but my body language and how confident I am while I dress has changed between night and day. Before I was terrified of doing something as simple as going to Nordstrom to shop and I would stick out because I was super concerned with whether people would clock me or not. I do feel that I was clocked more often than I am now.

Today, I have no issues going into any store or really doing any activity because I am not really that concerned with whether I am clocked or not. What I have noticed is far more people surprised that I was not born female than before. I think it boils down to feeling like you belong and modifying some mannerisms slightly. Those two things combined have had far more of an effect in allowing me to pass than anything else.

[Tracii G]

Adopting correct mannerisms helps the look. Don't overdo your mannerisms as well.

[Abbey11]

Great thread, thanks Danam, and great responses. I have to agree with Rhonda response #6, I was always looking at others for their reaction

[danam]

Surprisingly civil conversation. I'd been away from this site for many years (after some bad experiences a long time ago), and I was curious at the types of reactions I would get from this post. I'm impressed. Since the act of "crossdressing" means wildly different things to different people, it is virtually impossible to engage in a tangible discussion without someone, somewhere taking offense. Again, I am impressed at the maturity of the responses from my thread. Thank you.

[char GG]

Great rules,
I would just like to chime in and add:

Don't lurk around looking suspicious (which is really part of the OP's #3 point) . Smile, be confident, and own it.

[docrobbysherry]

Sorry, Danam, I disagree. I think u just described how to dress to blend and be noticed as little as possible. And, maybe how to feel more confident about your looks when out?

There's a huge difference from passing and being accepted when out as a trans!

Passing is the Golden Fleece for dressers. It means being accepted as and treated as a female with no second thots from anyone!
Sadly, none of the things u mentioned can do that for most of us!

[Tracy Irving]

I think u just described how to dress to blend and be noticed as little as possible.

I agree.

Most of the women that I see are not wearing dresses and skirts. For many of us our preferred attire. So, if putting on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt with really short sleeves doesn't do it for you, then find what makes you happy!

[Ressie]

Then again, some of us don't want to pass or blend. Sometimes it's fun to wear something more outrageous or fashions incongruent with one's age. Break the rules and break free!

[Stephanie47]

I have to agree with Tracy (#31). I may be stuck in a time machine and have not progressed out of the 1950's and 1960's. No way will I ever buy any sort of pants, jeans or shorts. Why wear a fashion stolen from the men's section of the store. It's dresses and only dresses for me. That does not mean I do not appreciate a nice looking womanly figure in a pair of jeans. If you really want to fly under the radar and not attract attention wear a pair of woman's jeans or pants with a plain top. My attention is drawn to a nicely attired woman wearing a dress. I like colors and patterns, especially floral patterns. At the mall or the business district downtown my attention is drawn to women in dresses. Costco after church is a great place to see women in their best Sunday dresses, and, some of them are getting somewhat above the knee. Not anywhere like "Little House of the Prairie."

There's the problem. How does own express themselves when every warm blooded male wants to see a pair of nice legs and some other fines features of womanhood....in a dress. There is no reason to cross dress if my desires are not satisfied. I peruse Youtube a lot and elsewhere and see many many fine looking cross dressers wearing dresses. They are making no attempt to hide under the radar. The thing that will sink me is my six foot height and 200 pounds. I'm great as a male or so I am told. As a pseudo woman....not so much. I'm not going to pass or blend. I can wear age appropriate clothes, and, I do not mean old granny dresses, I will not pass or blend. Being six foot and 175 pounds with military toned muscle was great fifty years ago. Now it works against me. If I was five foot six I'd be in heavenly bliss. But, I would not compromise myself and hide in clothes that do not satisfy my inner self.

If you want to have a nice experience I would suggest donning a pretty dress. Wear a decent wig if your hair cannot pass muster. Go light on the makeup. Shave really close. Grab a pair of transition sunglasses. Wear a hat to shield your face from the sun. Sit on a park bench and read a book..You will not have to worry too much about height to weight ratios unless you're like me. And, you will not have to worry about walking or mannerisms other than smoothing your dress when the breeze blows.

[Majella St Gerard]

Here's some tough love, If you think that you PASS, you don't.
Just because you aren't called out on it and are "accepted " does not mean you pass 100% as a woman.
My rules are dress appropriate for the location, wear something that is flattering to your figure, age has absolutely nothing to do with it, and OWN IT. Confidence is key.
With that, the best you can hope for and get is that you BLEND.
This is my experience.
PASSING is the Holy Grail and the hardest thing to get is a female voice, to me that is the give away.
Anyway just my 2 cents

[Ressie]

Another tip: keep your distance from people. We can all be passable at a distance. That could be 50 feet, 50 yards or more! Being face to face with someone probably won't work for more than a few seconds for most of us. I've met a few girls that passed to me. And a couple of others that were so close that it didn't matter. If people have a hard time guessing, that's close enough.

[Rachael Leigh]

I will say yes I do try to blend as the age I am, 58, but you know what I’ve always felt like being tall I have nice legs so
I enjoy wearing cute shorts and yes even short shorts. Now I usually wear them in an appropriate place like say washing my car but hey I’m not going to always conform to the age thing.

[danam]

As for dressing your age--I think it's okay to break the rules, as long as you know the rules, and you've chosen to break them, and you understand the results of breaking the rules (i.e., drawing attention to yourself in ways that could cause ridicule or even compromise your safety).

[AllieSF]

Sorry but there are NO rules. You dress how you like and do not criticize others for dressing as they like. Oops! I guess there is one rule after all. If you have fear of others when going out, fear of recognition, introverted, whatever that causes you to try to stay in the background, to blend in, then your advice can work for some. However, for those that go out a lot, which is also a large part of this forum and the real world out there, that enjoy going out, we wear what we want when we want. We may later regret an outfit, but we didn't check with rule makers to get their OK. We are all adults. We have been learning from our mistakes all our life and will continue to do so. Really simple, no rules just good common sense. It usually is a matter of feeling comfortable and confident to be able to dress yourself as you deem, not by someone else's rules.

If you want to say that your recommendation is that it is a good idea and a successful tactic that one dress to blend when starting to go out, I would agree with you. But I will discuss your choice of the word "rule" in this scenario.

[Teresa]

Danam,
Dressing your age is a tough one and becomes trickier with age . I'm 68, on the whole I don't feel I dress for that age group but I know there are exceptions and yet I do get some lovely genuine comments . The problem with this is some women don't like their shape and it's not all to do with weight , some hate their bustline but most have a thing about their legs it's partly why many wear leggins and tunic tops , it also gives them the reason not to wear heels of any description . The times I've heard women say you're so lucky that can wear heels even my wedges and as Rachel says having good legs always gets picked up on again from the comments I know this to be true .

Dressing to blend or integrate doesn't mean dressing to hide , OK you list it as rules but maybe could be reworded as appropriate , that takes a little time to learn but then women get caught out by finding they've misread the script and worn something not quite suitable , in those circumstances the " Rule " is knowing how to carry it off !

[Kelly DeWinter]

As for dressing your age--I think it's okay to break the rules, as long as you know the rules, and you've chosen to break them, and you understand the results of breaking the rules (i.e., drawing attention to yourself in ways that could cause ridicule or even compromise your safety).

I always find it interesting when people post "RULES FOR" passing, then post exceptions that imply it's your fault if it "causes ridicule and compromises your safety"

When is it ever OK to ridicule someone or compromise their safety ?

Dana I know that not what your intent is in your original post .

The era we live in is one of breaking boundaries and being your own self.

I also think that being realistic as things like finding the tie to pass and developing mannerisms on for most on a part time basis is almost impossible for most.

As far as choices in clothes, be yourself, part of the allure for most crossdressers IS drawing attention to yourself.

[Jean 103]

If you think pass , blend, ect.... I'm my opinion you are wrong.

What is it that you want?

To go out in public dressed as you like or think others like?

Here is what I want. To just be treated like anyone else.

Being treated special, extra attention, being touched, hugging, is something I have gotten use to. It is ok, part of being a woman, as this is how I present.

As I have said many times here, most all my friends are GGs. These are the people as I say, I have been schooled by.


There is an execption kinda. That is if you are going to have you body changed . I don't think that applies here.

Oh if dress I like an old lady my friends (GGs) disapprove. I have been told , don't ever wear that again, burn it. I still have that blouse, My roommate (she is fifteen years older) likes it, I wore it at DLV. Still my friend is right, it is not the best look for me.

I am so glad I didn't listen to so many here. I would not be where I am now.

It is this simple, be the best you, that you can be.

[Lana Mae]

Passing is not necessary to be accepted! I flew from Raleigh, NC to Tampa, Florida, to Houston Texas then from Houston to Atlanta, Georgia, and back to Raleigh! ( of course there were a few days in between) I was about 6 inches from my seat mates! Each asked me politely if they could sit there. There was no staring, no comments, no nothing! Just people interacting with people! I had a Christian man stare at me for a few seconds then he smiled and went back to what he was doing! I did all of that flying and in and about the airports with no, I repeat, no problems! I was just me! I owned it and all was right with the world! Do "you" and forget the competition! As has been said, passing is the Holy Grail and no one has found it yet! So just get out there and be "you"! Hugs Lana Mae

[Cheshire girl]

We talk about the difference between passing and acceptance. Those who think they pass may feel disheartened that they are just accepted or tolerated in public. Many of us strive to look attractive and we spend much time and money in the process. The stage I’m at is that within the world I live in when en femme is that I am told by female friends that they treat outings with me like those with their girl friends and that’s good enough for me. They say no one can tell.I go out and am treated like a woman everywhere. Whether that’s passing or not I don’t really care. I feel sorry for those who go out dressed so badly that people laugh at them. Wish they had a wife who could advise them better. It can be a cruel world and I always avoid staring if I see a CDer in public looking awful as I’m afraid some do.

[Rachael Leigh]

Dana, these are all great rules and well thought out. I do agree that for the most part these are more about blending into
the RW. Yes I’ve seen some girls who pass without question but that number is small. I know in my case I don’t pass closeup as was pointed out, I’m 6”2 and broad shouldered so I know I’m clocked. However if I’m dressed as most women my age I do feel I can pass, as a trans women that is, and for me that’s a win. My confidence has increased by just being out there and as I say being me. I hope the more I go out being me I will help those out there accept us more and realize
we are just trying to live our lives just like everyone else
Great topic by the way

[danam]

Thank you! It's always dangerous to discuss topics like this, because someone somewhere will get upset. Such is social media. Fortunately, I have developed a thick skin over the years.

Unfortunately, the term "passing" means different things to different people. One source of argument/discussion stems from the fact that it has multiple, nuanced meanings.

Interesting point earlier on the importance female voice. I remember a prolific YouTube crossdresser years ago (Jessica Who) who didn't bother attempting a female voice, but it didn't matter. She spoke with ease and comfort in her identity, and, as a viewer, my subconscious completely overlooked it. Obviously that won't apply if you have a extreme, DJ-quality male baritone voice. But for the rest of us...point #3 goes a long, long way.