Purses

[DarciInTx]

I have far less than a DADT relationship with my wife. She knows at least a little of my interest, but not anywhere near how far I have taken it in the past. I have dialed it way back out of respect for her, and recently purged everything. But I still have desires.

Recently, I went online looking for “purses for men” to see what came up. I didn’t want anything that would arouse suspicion and trigger a discussion I didn’t want to have. I settled on an over the shoulder “messenger bag”, and began carrying it as a purse. She commented after I’d been carrying it for a few days that “That’s a nice bag. Where did you get that?”, and I told her I’d ordered it online. A few days later, she said, “Boy, you put everything in there, don’t you?, and I replied about being tired of standing there at the dresser fumbling in the dark to get everything I needed in my pockets, and worrying that I had forgotten something. And she said, “Oh, so it’s your purse, huh?” And after that, she started referring to it as my purse, even asking me in front of her friend, is your phone in your purse? And I’ve said stuff about “my purse”, just as a matter of course.

We are on a trip for 4th of July, and stopped at a convenience store. When I went to pay, I had to root through my purse, which is just an open bag, for my wallet. When we got back in the car, she said, “you know, if you’re going to carry a purse, you really need to get one with sections so you can find stuff without having to pull everything out.” So I feel like she’s giving me permission to go buy a real purse, or at least she can’t say much if I do.

Am I reading too much into it? Thoughts? Opinions?

Thanks.

[bridget thronton]

Sounds like the purse is accepted - do not know how I got by without one when traveling

[Micki_Finn]

It could also be that she keeps calling it your purse to try to shame you OUT of using it.

[Jillian Faith]

It could also be that she keeps calling it your purse to try to shame you OUT of using it.

I agree with Micki, I see this as an attempt to shame you rather than acceptance and permission to purchase and carry a more feminine handbag.

[Bea_]

If you like your current bag but want to keep it more organized, just search for purse organizers on amazon. They're just inserts designed to fit into a larger 'typical' purse. i bought one to try and organize a mini-van console and it didn't work so well for the purpose. But, I'm sure it would be better than an open abyss of a purse when looking for keys and such.

If you want a new purse, just get one that fits the bill. There are so many purse/crossbody bag designs on the market that could be taken as unisex. If you can become comfortable carrying it, it's a man-bag, no matter which side of the aisle it's from.

[Marianne S]

Darci, thanks for educating me! I didn't know what the term "messenger bag" meant, so I looked it up on the Web. It's very smart-looking! Mind you, I can't imagine why anyone would see a man carrying one of these as "feminine," any more than a man carrying an attaché case. That's a good reason why your wife may not object to it. Of course, whether that absence of femininity defeats your own purpose in carrying it is quite another question!

I also appreciated your thread because it set me off on a stimulating train of thought about the pros and cons of carrying a purse--or for that matter a separate "receptacle" of any kind. It's an interesting blend of purely practical aspects with gendered aspects.

But I'll skip that discussion for now in the interest of trying to answer your own question. It's true, as other posters have implied, that your wife's first remark, that “Oh, so it’s your purse, huh?” is... dare I say, "polysemous"? Even if nobody used that word, I find it useful because it means "the quality of having many (possible) meanings." Who knows all the things your wife meant to convey by what she said?

I do tend to agree with those who suspected she was poking fun at you at the time. Whether this really implies "trying to shame you" out of a behavioe is another question entirely, since any of us can "poke fun" at a person while still accepting "who they are" and what they're like.

However, she's bound to have mixed feelings about your feminine identity, and I do think her second remark was quite different in intent: “you know, if you’re going to carry a purse, you really need to get one with sections so you can find stuff without having to pull everything out.” Why would she go into such detail unless her intent was actually benign and helpful? She may be torn between the "problem" she has with your feminine side and a natural desire to identify with some of your more practical issues. Just don't provoke her too far by carrying too obviously "feminine" a purse, that's all!

[Xenia]

Tough to tell from one offhanded comment.....you’d probably have to ask her for clarification to get a real answer. That’s my totally unhelpful opinion. :-)

And of course there would be a difference between buying a nicer gender-neutral messenger bag and buying an obviously feminine clutch from Louis Vuitton.

But really....we men got the short end of the stick with the whole purse thing. They’re useful! So many times I’ve needed to carry extra stuff with me and wished there was a good intermediate option between overstuffing my pockets and carrying a backpack.

[Helen Waite]

I have this exact bag. Probably 15 years I've carried it, exclusively in guy mode. Men in Europe carry similar bags all the time, no big deal. https://www.ebay.com/itm/FOSSIL-Leat...sAAOSwT~hdFkzL

[Tahoegurl]

I have a few purses and I have a shoulder bag that I carry and choose what matches the outfit I'm in. Why? Because they are super handy and I can't carry my medical supplies in my pockets. As an aside though - I think a problem is asking a group of strangers on a forum what your wife indicated. I think this is a conversation between the two of you about what she is OK with. You can always do whatever you want to but you have to accept the consequences of those decisions. Cheers.

[Elizabeth G]

Is hard to tell especially not knowing the tone and inflection the comment was made with. For instance we all know that quite often when we hear the response "Fine" that the matter at hand is anything but fine. Based on your description of your relationship as being "far less than a DADT" I would tread lightly here.

[Tracii G]

You are thinking like a man so that is where your folly may be.
You think she is giving you a green light to get a purse when all she is doing is trying to shame you but you don't see it.
So go out and get a womans purse and start carrying it and see what happens.
I don't think you will like the outcome.

[abbiedrake]

Darci, as has been said, we can't know what your wife intended. It would be irresponsible of us to reinforce any confirmation bias you might be harbouring right now out of wishful thinking.
Given what little context you've provided I'd urge caution. And communication. I'd suggest that latter far more strongly than actual action at the present.
You have a better idea of where your wife's head might be though.
Keep us posted.

[char GG]

My take on her comment would be exactly as she said. Get a "purse"/bag with "sections". My guess is that she means a purse similar to the one you already have WITH sections.

If you are in a DADT relationship, don't "assume" things to make them go your way. You may want to clarify before you run out and buy what you are calling a "real purse".

[Jodie_Lynn]

As others have suggested, your wife seems to be trying to embarrass you.

Personally, I would NOT buy a femme bag if I were in your position, but rather, try to find similar to your current one, with sections, and get her opinion on them.

Lots of guys carry bags, but they wouldn't necessarily be considered handbags of the feminine variety.

Caution should be your watch word.

[Joyce Swindell]

Shopping on line ...no problem...have her help you find one. No mysteries. I t would be good for the relationship too (probably).

[Jenny22]

I bought a sectioned messenger bag. Even then, I had to dig to find what I wanted. I used to get upset at women ready to pay the cashier who had to delay the line while digging through their purses to find money or a CC. Not any more!

[April Rose]

Why not just ask her?

[Dana3]

I carry a small, with shoulder strap "purse".

It is olive drab, kinds sorts looks like something you find in a military army surplus store.

But it's ACTUALLY a small purse that I found at Loves ❤️ Truck Stop.

In the section that carries stuff women �� would normally or typically buy.

This is what I carry in it.

Leatherman Wave multitool
Leatherman bit (Screwdriver) bit extender
Leatherman two pack flat head, Phillips, torox and other assisted bits
Cell phone
Ear buds and case
8 x portable charging battery ��
Samsung Note 5 cell phone
Kubaton
Oxford index card case
Pilot extra fine ink pens ✒️ (Red, Black, Blue, green)
Altoids tin improvised personal 1st Aid kit
Altoids tin improvised EDC (Everyday Carry kit
P38 can opener (Military)
Swiss Army knife
Buck 3" Ranger
Emergency poncho liners
Sharpie marker
Kindke tablet (I read a lot)

[Tracii G]

I have a small Camo shoulder bag I bought at a ladies store somewhere.
Pretty handy actually

[Jean 103]

Simply, you are already carrying one.

She is saying that you might as well have one with pockets inside. Like for our phone, glasses, wallet, keys, ect....

It sounds like she has excepted it, that is you carry a purse. Doesn't sound like she likes it.

[Dana3]

The reason purses (As they've manifested themselves in this day and age) are associated with women, and thus femininity?

Is that even today, most dresses DON'T have, .. .........

POCKETS! 😲

[alwayshave]

Darci, my ex-wife was a manipulator. She would use this type of tactic, subtle dig, to attempt to sway me.

[abby054]

My purses could likewise use a lot of organization. Half of them have various compartments that keep some things organized. I tend to favor them. Your wife is right on that point. Whether she is serious about getting a new bag with compartments, hard to tell. Work with her to choose a new bag on line. Whether she is willing to accommodate this new bag will become obvious fairly soon. And you can play dumb pretty easily if you guessed wrong.

If they do not make an acceptable bag with compartments, you can add them. A small clutch makes a nice compartment, as does a small envelope purse. Zippered bags, like those that bank tellers carry money in, make nice compartments also.

When I was in the Army, the officers in my unit all carried green canvas purses. We called them map cases. They kept documents well organized, better and more weatherproof than a clipboard.

Dana is right. Pockets are still rare on dresses. What looks like pockets on women's pants is not really functional, either. That has a lot to do with women carrying purses while men do not, at least in my part of the world.

Out here in the rural western US, most farm and ranch stores sell purses with compartments that hold an item that, in my state, most folks, men and women, keep with them, but out of sight. Even my church expects me to have it whenever I am on church property. Such is the nature of the time and place that I live in, sadly.

[GretchenM]

Darci,

Your wife, like mine, is accepting the purse idea. I doubt she is shaming you, but that is possible. The fact is, on a world wide basis, more men carry bags than don't. Here im the US, because of all of our hangups, it isn't common. I have never received any heat about carrying a bag. My contents are a bit like Dana's. But I have a women's wallet with an outer design that is cloth and is a little like a Native American pattern. It is completely unisex.

The bag itself is made by Swiss Gear and has loads of pockets so I can keep things well organized, so no rummaging through to find something like I did with a single chamber messenger bag. I think it is a bit of a traveler's bag as I found it at Target in the luggage section. Look for more unisex if you don't want to rile your wife. However, I do keep my keys and a handkerchief in my pants pockets; nothing else. Keys in the purse really isn't safe in case somebody tries to snatch your purse/bag. My wife also carries a bag that was made by one of our Native American friends - really beautiful. I tried to talk her into making one with multiple compartments, but she pointed out that my wife's purse is made in their tradition which means one compartment.

As far as the effect carrying a bag/purse has on satisfying needs in gender expression, for me it works well. Not what I would prefer exactly, but a great compromise that still works on keeping the dysphoria demon at bay. The rest of my usual public expression is either men's shirts in feminine colors (pinks, purples, lavenders, etc.) or a women's T or sweatshirt without typical women's patterns. I have no problems with that. However, different people have different needs and for many that would not be nearly enough expression. My feminine identity is mostly internalized and does not demand strong outward expression - for me it is all about the behavioral traits in the way I interact with other people. But Gretchen still likes to get prettied up once in awhile. Generally, people appreciate a male that treats others much as a woman would treat others. It is unusual and refreshing. And with the bag/purse and clothes colors people figure out the reality about me real fast with interaction. Works for me; not necessarily workable for others.

Gretchen

[Teresa]

Darci,
All part of the learning curve , you looked for and found a , " Man Bag " but perhaps never gave it much thought how it was laid out .

I've been out using handbags for almost two years now and totally agree with your wife , you really need to think more about what you buy, as a bag without divisions and zip pockets is a nightmare . At least she's given you part permission to carry a more suitable one , I buy all mine from charity shops some are very feminine and some are more like a utility bag carried by anyone . I must admit on the odd occasions I have to do male mode I really do miss my handbag !

I don't see it as any sort of put down , she's calling it like she would her own , OK if she is having some fun with you isn't that great she getting there in little steps .