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Thread: Thoughts of a bi-sexual woman/cd

  1. #1
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    Thoughts of a bi-sexual woman/cd

    Yes, I know I'm not a GG. However; for my entire life I have thought of myself as a woman. I know most on here will not understand. We all know that every time someone post a thread asking about feelings for a man, there is the obligatory chorus of "not Me!"s. This is aimed at that small percentage of us who in anyway have these feelings.

    Someone asked me a question and instead of hijacking another thread I thought I would start one of my own.

    As a young girl I danced and flirted with men all the time, but just could never go any further. Besides I felt way more attracted to women. Though I had to admit to myself that when I was dancing and the song slowed and my partner took me in his arms...it felt good.

    As a married person, my wife and I would try to go to San Francisco ( we lived in the bay area) once a month or so to dance and be girlfriends. My wife and I would dance with men all night, talk about them, and when the mood was right go to our room. We TALKED about doing it, but never actually did it.

    When I divorced my wife I met a woman who owned an antique store in the next town over. We hit it off and found ourselves talking for hours and having lunches and dinners together. She was still married but seperated and I was just old fashioned enough to not try to get closer. One day I was getting all dressed up and thought about going into Columbus ( Ohio) for an evening out, but was really scared. As I had always gone out with another girl. Then I thought of Carole and said "What the heck". I went to her shop, and she never batted an eye. I shopped around for a bit till she came up to me and we talked and I looked her in the eye and said "Don't recognize me?". She said "No....." then really looked and said "Really!".

    Well that started a long term relationship that more or less continues to this day. It turns out she was very bi, and in her younger days as a stripper had had a boyfriend who was a male stripper and who she watched engage intimately with another man, and it changed her.

    We dated for a week as two women and spent all our time together. She decided that I really needed to live my life the way it should have been. We moved in together as women. Not a stitch of mens clothing anywhere. I had made some good investments and had a house that was paid off and had semi-retired when I was in my late 30s. I went to work with her in her shop and we grew as a couple.

    However; Carole thought I really should experience life completely as a heterosexual woman and one day as we were closing to go out on a Friday night she told me that a nice man was coming with us and would be my date. I admit I was a bit apprehensive, and seeing him gave me very mixed feelings. He introduced himself as JOhn. John was and is, 6-8, 300 pounds of muscle. The woman in me totally wanted to be with him. The other part....wasn't saying much. He was gentleman and we talked and talked and danced and when he walked me to the door, he gave me kiss on the top of my head. I almost melted. Carole was grinning like a fiend and told me I should have invited him in. Well...I just wasn't there.

    We dated a few months and it WAS fun, at the same time she introduced me to another man who was just about the opposite. Shorter than me ( I'm 5-8 and he is 5-6), skinny with a scraggly beard. Carole introduced him as Jason. On those days that John was out of town on business or whatnot I would date Jason. Now Jason was NOT a gentleman and was pretty open to what he wanted..but the answer was still the same..."no". But it was fun teasing him. Mostly as payback for being so pushy!

    Now Carole always had a halloween party. She was a wican, and witch, and an ex stripper and your basic noncomformist and her parties were always notable. Her idea for the theme of the party that year was "Michelle and John get married". We didn't go all out but we did send party invitations as wedding invitations. We bought a used dress and some new lingerie and accessories and when the night came I walked down the isle and Carole acted as the officiator and after some scandelous ( and humorous ) wedding "vows" she told him he could kiss me. When he pulled up the veil and moved in I kissed him without any thought.

    That was the signal for the party to start and the drinking to begin...if it had not before. We did cut the cake and did open presents. Most were adult toys and there were laughs all around. After dancing most of the night, John asked if I was ready to leave. I said "yes" and we got into the limo. Yes, a limo! Instead of going to Caroles we end up at a Hotel and the rest was history. I will say that when the time came I never thought about it, I never second guessed myself, I just did it. And it was great. I knew then that he and I would have a "normal" man/woman relationship.

    Of course when I got home Carole asked me all about it and it got her in a mood, such as I have never seen before. The next night after work she and I were being intimate when Jason walked in and began disrobing. I looked at Carole and she said "Jason has been pouting all week that he wasn't your first..so I thought a threesome would make him happy.

    That began a very very complicated relationship. John really did consider me his girlfriend but wasn't ready for a live in. He liked his freedom too much. Carole was my live in but she had a thing for abusive bad boys and about this time was starting to fall for one. Jason I later found out was Carole's...husband. When Carole left me...and Jason...she asked me to take care of him for her. So, I was living with Jason, in Carole's old apartment. Dating John three or four days a week and listening to Carole talk about her new "love" everyday at work. Which was kinda aggravating.

    I quickly learned that I loved Carole deeply and felt abandoned and not a little betrayed by her. I found that Jason scratched an itch that I didn't know I had, and that John was.....something else. I didn't know if it was love or not, but only knew that I didn't want him to leave me. Eventually John found out about Jason and gave me an ultimatum; which resulted in me moving in with him.

    Things quieted down and John and I established a domestic pattern. Until that summer when I had to go back to my own, original house, because it was summer visitation with my children. Who were there almost all summer. We had a huge fight and broke up because he did not understand that two weeks was not enough time with my kids, and broke up.

    After the kids left and I had time to think, I realized that I missed John terribly...and Carole even more. Jason was just...Jason.

    A pattern developed and John is my main SO. We have broke up a dozen times or so over the last 20 years. I still work with Carole and own half her shop. We laugh that if you don't count sleeping we spend more time with each other than our respective SO's. Carole has gone through a dozen or so men and a couple of women in the last 20 years. A few times when John and I break up, Carole and I get back togeather..though not always. I have probably lived with John about 10 of the last 21 years and Carole around 5 of those years...and Jason one year. I was deployed overseas a year and have had various schools and whatnot. I also tried to live with another woman in a very conventional relationship.

    I have done a lot of soul searching over the years.

    I learned that my emotional self is tied to women. I don't have nearly enough depth of feeling for a man as I do for a woman. When I break up with John I'm...irked...mad..upset but I'm not emotionally devastated. Being with him satisfies some component within me that feels that I'm not complete without a man in my life. Strangely my GG friends almost all understand that...except for the feminist "I don't need a man" types and of course my lesbian friends. Even so when we break up I'm fairly stable emotionally. I go from a four to a six, on that scale.

    When Carole breaks up with me I'm devastated emotionally. I feel betrayed and have a lot of anger towards her current bf..I may have even been known to key a truck or two....And I am always there to pick up the pieces.

    When my "brother" met a woman who he fell in deeply in love with and they broke up, he was close to suicidal and I was not all that far behind. I loved her too. She too had a thing for abusive men. It really makes me wonder if I attract that type when they are in the "inbetween stage".

    So women are my emotional go to. I make no bones about it.

    Men are my physical go to. I am satisfied physically with a woman, and no mistake. But with a man it is, or can be, much much more intense in a physical sense. Which, if we can be honest ,is just as addicting as anything else.

    The really ironic thing? John is much more honest, caring, emotionally available, stable, and above all else loyal than anyone else in my life. If I had to choose between Carole, who I love with my whole heart, and John to be with the rest of my life; it would be John. Because I know at some point Carole would leave.

    I hope I didn't confuse anyone.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Tracy Irving's Avatar
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    Easily one of the longest reads I have done on this site. Looking forward to finding out if it is Carole or John when volume two is released.

  3. #3
    Member Thelise's Avatar
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    Wow. What a story. Thanks for posting, though I feel bad for John. Hope he doesn't feel like a doormat.

  4. #4
    Aspiring Member abbiedrake's Avatar
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    Quite the roller-coaster, Michelle. I hope you find a more complete peace in the near future.

  5. #5
    Weirdest woman ever! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    I would imagine that the sex is quite different with men and women, Michelle?

    Other than than the "physicality" u described, which gender do u prefer in bed?
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  6. #6
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    Michelle,

    Thank you for writing so honestly about this subject. I know that for many on this site this is an uncomfortable topic. We are all different here but I hope that this site remains a "broad church" where many different opinions and experiences can be aired.

    Have you read Richard Novic's book. I would be interested in your reaction to it if you felt comfortable share it.

    I enjoyed the story very much. Dealing with so much emotion must be quite exhausting at times and I understand the pain you feel in your relationship with Carole, especially when she seems to choose such dubious companions.

    Take care and enjoy your life.

  7. #7
    Yeah Ok like whatever Tracii G's Avatar
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    I don't see how people can break up with each other over and over.
    What ever caused you to break up in the first place is just going to happen again so why go thru all the aggravation and hurt over and over? Just doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.
    One guy I met while I was enfemme I dated for a year or so and he was a great guy. He was divorced and not sure if he was gay,bi or what and when I was in 50/50 mode (sort of guy mode) he still felt the same about me. He said he was dating the person not just the girl part.
    He is back with his ex wife and he seems happy.I have met her while enfemme and I am not sure she grasps the trans concept but she seems very nice and refers to me as a woman so I see no need to say anything.
    I saw her not long ago while out shopping and we hung out all afternoon shopping and never once did she ask any questions about me being trans. We talked about him a lot and what we liked and disliked about him and guys in general.
    She always makes me feel like I suspect a real GG would feel like with a GF to talk to.
    Life is strange sometimes.
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  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Thelise View Post
    Wow. What a story. Thanks for posting, though I feel bad for John. Hope he doesn't feel like a doormat.
    I can understand the question. I do. The truth is it is not me coming back to him, it is him asking me back.

    He is a loving generous man. But also very self centered. Not completely, but enough that it causes issues.

    For instance we broke up once because he wanted me to have a boob job. Now I would really love to do that. However; my Mother was still alive at the time and two youngest children are completely ignorant of this side of my life. So that was not an option. He made the mistake of making an ultimatum and found himself alone the next day. We separated a few months over that one. However; flowers and candy and other goodies started to arrive at my business within a few days. It took awhile for us to come to an agreement, that saw me move back in.

    Most times we broke up because he couldn't understand why I had to spend so much time with my kids and mother back in California. He pretty much thought that 2 weeks was MORE than enough. You would think that after me leaving him over this issue that he would get it through that his wife had a thick russian skull and that I meant what I said. Again, after a time, the flowers would come to the shop.

    One of the worse times was when he ignored my safe word. Repeatedly. He insisted that I would like it, even if he had to force me to try it...ummm huh. THAT one lasted four years. That time I refused delivery of the flowers..but eventually kept the candy.... I didn't even talk to him for two years. Eventually he wore me down and I went back to him.

    Other things like that. So, no. He has never felt like a doormat.

    Now Jason. Jason is the one who should feel like a doormat. When I'm single and not feeling like dating, I just message him and he comes over like a puppy dog.

    AS for breaking up and getting back together so many times. I understand the question. Looking back it is more complicated than one would think.

    Take Carole. She and I own a business together. We work together Tue through Saturday, for about 10-11 hours a day, and have for about 20 years. On Sunday's while the boys golf, we go on short trips or just have fun. We gave up trying to distinguish whether we were in a relationship or not a long time ago. Indeed, John used to call her my "work wife", now he just calls her my wife. The only difference is when we are or , are not, intimate.

    We have had to evolve our own relationship. Imagine if you were deeply inlove with a woman who told you she was dumping you for a guy with satanic ink on his neck; had just gotten out of prison; and has a drug/drinking problem. Then imagine that you have to work with this woman the next monday, while she gushes, in detail, about her new man. I admit there were times I just did not go to the shop for weeks on end. Usually I had to return because she was running it into the ground financially. Try working with someone 10 or more hours a day without talking to them.....believe me it IS possible, but eventually you end up talking and things go back to normal. Now do that a couple of dozen times in 20 years.

    Or how about getting into an argument while she is trying to dump you and having her say "Aren't you still sleeping with my husband?"

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    Quote Originally Posted by docrobbysherry View Post
    I would imagine that the sex is quite different with men and women, Michelle?

    Other than than the "physicality" u described, which gender do u prefer in bed?
    Depends on my mood. If I want a lot of foreplay, emotion, and talking...generally women.

    If I want to be dominated, then usually a man.

    Again, I guess it comes down to: If emotional, then a woman. If purely physical, then a man. To be honest though, the older I get the more I prefer a man.

  9. #9
    Aspiring Member abbiedrake's Avatar
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    Michele, thanks for sharing that.

    It really did give some fresh perspective. Never a bad thing.

  10. #10
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    Wow! I am still wrapping my head around your story.
    You must be extremely strong both mentally and emotionally. I wish you peace moving forward in the future.

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