"I suppose you wish you could wear makeup, too?"

[Sometimes Steffi]

Darci

I got just about the same response that you did. In fact, she said, "Get fixed".

Well, it turned out that she was out of town a lot taking care of her dad. While she was out of town, I went out and about starting with a local girl that I met on this forum, and then her friends, and their friends. By the time she got back more or less full time, I had been out enough that I didn't want to go back in the closet. For a while, I would meet my CD friends out and about, and tell my wife that I was going out drinking with the guys. That was nothing but the truth, but not the whole truth. I got tired of the lies, and eventually told her the whole truth. We ended up negotiating boundaries that I could go out dressed twice a month, provided she never saw me dressed, not participated at all. It was a DADT compromise that I could live with. It required me to change into my girl costume in the car, and change back before I got home. Eventually, I made friends with another local CD whose wife embraced her CD husband. She would let me change at her house before going out and about.

It's worked for me for several years now, but YMMV.

[Judy-Somthing]

Since my SO, for some reason doesn't like me to CD, I've been thinking of quitting.

Well, maybe someday!

[DarciInTx]

Well, it was 6 days ago (Monday night) that we had the follow on discussion, and things have been quiet since then, since I've been laying low.

Apparently, my wife's mind has been very active, and she hit me tonight with her stockpiled ammunition.

The biggest take away was that she feels, since I want to wear women's clothing, and then (occasionally) might want to make love to her, that puts her in a "quasi-lesbian" relationship which has been forced on her!

I'm kinda blown away by that. Anyone else ever heard anything like that?

[Sometimes Steffi]

Since my SO, for some reason doesn't like me to CD, I've been thinking of quitting.

Well, maybe someday!

Yeah, I've thought of quitting also. Quitting the marriage, that is. Not quitting CDing.

But that thought usually passes pretty quickly.

[char GG]

The biggest take away was that she feels, since I want to wear women's clothing, and then (occasionally) might want to make love to her, that puts her in a "quasi-lesbian" relationship which has been forced on her!

Darci,

Your wife obviously is not turned on by your female persona and doesn't want anything to do with it in bed.

Did you let her know if that was or wasn't an interest of yours? It seems (to me) there are possibly many questions that could be floating around in her head.

[DarciInTx]

Char,
Thanks for your reply.

There has been no mention of dressing as a part of sex. In fact, there has been a) no mention of sex, since it's extremely rare that we even attempt it. That's a whole other rabbit hole to go down. And b) there's been no mention of dressing - I'm not "doing" anything. In her mind (and I will confess to know knowing what's floating around in there), the fact that I have desires is enough to condemn me.

[abbiedrake]

Darci,
so sorry to hear of your plight. It's one many of us are all too familiar with.

Your latter posts gave me some pause in offering any advice. I'm not sure my own experiences, albeit similar, would prove instructive.

I made clear to my wife that sex while dressed wasn't on the cards, going so far to ensure that any femme item of mine was removed from our bedroom.

I also made it clear that in a choice between her and Abbie my wife would win every time. But I also asserted that I hoped it wouldn't come to that. That reassured my wife of her primacy while also pointing out, gently, that she could choose for this to not be a deal breaker.

I can't stress enough how much I've been open and honest with Wifeling. Way above and beyond 'the talk'. I've volunteered everything I can think of. I've been lucky to have that both appreciated and reciprocated. And while she's far from fine with the idea her attitude has softened somewhat.

I have no idea what the future holds but my drawing of a red line before losing my marriage gives my wife some reassurance that allows her to examine how far her love for me stretches. That might be DADT at some point in the future, I don't know.


But I do feel certain there's no surer death knell for a relationship than a curtaining of communication.

Sounds to me like your wife needs plenty of reassurance of her primacy before you'll be able to broach the subject again in a helpful fashion.

Don't give up. But also don't falsely promise anything you can't deliver. That's just a road to deferred ruin.

Good luck, sister.

[Nyla F]

Hi Darci,

I’m in a very similar situation, though the tough conversations were 15-20 years ago. Still today we are DADT about it even though I wear panties 24/7.

Focus on yourself. Accept this part of you, if that is something you struggle with. Figure out if the level of crossdressing you need to be yourself is something you can do within the confines of a DADT relationship.

The hardest part for me is maintaining honesty and trust in the marriage while hiding the crossdressing. I kept trying to talk about it so I can be honest, but she didn’t want to talk about it. So eventually I agreed not to talk about it (but didn’t agree to not crossdress).