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Thread: "I suppose you wish you could wear makeup, too?"

  1. #1
    Junior Member DarciInTx's Avatar
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    "I suppose you wish you could wear makeup, too?"

    Some quick background without turning this into a dissertation.

    My wife knows I have crossdressing desires, and does not approve. When I first shared with her several years ago (I had worn a pair of her panties to work), her initial response was that she thought it was humorous ("I'm blown away that you wore my panties."), but then it became "I'm afraid I'd be turned off." And it has pretty much stayed in the closet since then. Except for a couple month period last fall when I was overcome by the pink fog, I've pretty much avoided indulging out of respect for her and our relationship.

    I brought up the topic again a few weeks ago, and nothing came of it other than her reiterating that she was "uncomfortable" with it. Since then, we've had several "brushes" with the topic - quick remarks that didn't lead to anything further. A week ago, after we got home from church, she asked if anyone had said anything about my purse. (In recent weeks, I've started carrying a purse - I don't consider it overtly feminine, but it is definitely a woman's purse.) Then, Friday night, I described a situation I was facing (I won't go into details, but it gives me a quasi-rational reason unrelated to crossdressing) and announced "I guess I'm going to have to go back to wearing a bra under my shirt." She just rolled her eyes, and went to the bathroom.

    Yesterday afternoon, we were in the bathroom getting ready to go meet here daughter and grandson for dinner, and talking about her plans. She was touching up her mascara, and I probably was paying a little bit too close attention, and she says "I suppose you wish you could wear makeup, too?"

    I wasn't about to deny it, but I was unprepared for a conversation at that point, so I just chuckled. I didn't want to spoil our visit with here daughter, which I felt it would, and so I let it go.

    It's hard to read into her tone. She wasn't angry, but I'd describe it as more a mixture of, perhaps, sadness, disappointment, and contempt. I know I missed an opportunity to have a meaningful discussion, and considered re-opening it when we got home. But, in truth, I'm rather scared of where it will go, and being a little (a lot?) conflict-avoidant.

    I'm not sure it I'm asking for advice, or just venting. But any thoughts are welcome. Thanks.

  2. #2
    Member Maria_mtf's Avatar
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    Hello Darciln,

    If you look at my recent post you will see I do the same as you in that I post my latest circumstances on here every now and again, both as a way to vent but also hoping for some useful advice.

    My posisition with my wife seems similar to yours, and to be honest with all the problems I have, most of which caused by me, I am not sure I should be giving advice. However on here everyone is so helpful I want try and give some back.

    Almost all issues with our SOs seem to come down to communication. Theres lots on here about that so I wont repeat it except to say dont turn a convo into a list of demands.

    A lot of people have suggested therapy to me which I am considering, have you considered that?

    Lastly the whole avoiding conflict bit I completely understand, you know your wife wont want to talk about such things and doing so will only hurt her, so you bottle it up and say nothing. Well actually we dont know what our wives think, and not talking about it will only make it worse in the long run and risks building feelings of resentment. Again I do this again and again.

    I wish you the best of luck

  3. #3
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    I think you already know the answer. You did miss an opportunity to have a meaningful conversation. The quips and comments may turn into anger if you don't come clean and tell her exactly what is going on in your head. She seems to have already figured out that you have an interest in her clothes, makeup, etc. I can almost guarantee you that unless you let her know how you feel, she will come to her own conclusions - which may or may not be true in your case. She may be "turned off" but that is the chance you have to take. Her feelings are valid to her.

    Oh, by the way, I would not recommend wearing her underwear. Better to buy your own.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Crissy 107's Avatar
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    Hi Darci, I was reading your post and was thinking we are very much in the same situation. I came out to my wife over 5 years ago and in the beginning she seemed to accept this side of me. Things went along slowly as I did not want to push her and we even wore matching VS high leg briefs often and even joked about it after showing each other. Things got quiet from her and over time she seemed to not at all be interested, she mentioned she thought it was a phase I was going through. We all know, thanks to forums like this, that it is not a phase and will not go away.
    I think to just continue along and if/when you get a chance to open a conversation take it and read how she reacts, if she seems open to talking by all means keep going but don’t overwhelm her with this.
    Good luck and believe me we have many members in a similar situation.
    Crissy

  5. #5
    Aspiring Shopaholic BTWimRobin's Avatar
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    Hi Darci,

    You say you are scared where it will go..... what? Your desire to crossdress? Well that is probably not going anywhere. Your wife's acceptance? You might want to sit down with her and have a serious conversation, try to answer all her questions, and perhaps set some ground rules for dressing. If you take it super slow and keep the lines of communication open, all should be well.

    Good Luck,
    Robin

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    Darclin,
    I was going to make the same comment as Char but go onto add buying your own makeup .

    I'm not sure if it may be a good advice or not but if your wife raised the same question again at least you could say I have my own . It's more than likely the converstaion may then continue which could open up the whole dressing situation for you .

    Again it comes down to how deep your need is and how much you are suppressing it to appease her , I know from that experience it can't go on indefinitely , at some point she has to accept what it means to you .

  7. #7
    Silver Member Rogina B's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DarciInTx View Post
    Some quick background without turning this into a dissertation.

    My wife knows I have crossdressing desires, and does not approve. When I first shared with her several years ago (I had worn a pair of her panties to work), her initial response was that she thought it was humorous ("I'm blown away that you wore my panties."), but then it became "I'm afraid I'd be turned off."

    I brought up the topic again a few weeks ago, and nothing came of it other than her reiterating that she was "uncomfortable" with it. Since then, we've had several "brushes" with the topic - quick remarks that didn't lead to anything further. A week ago, after we got home from church, she asked if anyone had said anything about my purse. (In recent weeks, I've started carrying a purse - She was touching up her mascara, and I probably was paying a little bit too close attention, and she says "I suppose you wish you could wear makeup, too?"

    I wasn't about to deny it, but I was unprepared for a conversation at that point, so I just chuckled.

    It's hard to read into her tone. But any thoughts are welcome. Thanks.
    Perhaps,your wife might be more comfortable if you desired a full transformation as perhaps it might seem a whole lot less "pervy" to her than the piecemeal things you do now..
    It SURE is my hair ! I have the receipt and the box it came in !

  8. #8
    Rural T Girl Teri Ray's Avatar
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    Hey there Darciln,

    I also am not an advice giver here but I am willing to say That having the "big talk" with my wife was very difficult for me. I thought when my wife found out I had the desire to crossdress that she would leave me. But in my situation I was caught by photos I had thought I had hidden in the computer. Well I can tell you that having the big talk without the opportunity to become more prepared was rough. I just figured I had nothing more to loose so I came out to my wife with honesty answering all her questions.

    It has not been perfect for my wife and me since then but I know that my wife is willing to support me if I stay within agreed to boundaries.

    For my wife and me being open and honest about my desires has been the best path. Best wishes to you and your wife in whatever you decided is best.

    Teri
    Teri Ray Rural Idaho Girl.

  9. #9
    Senior Member GretchenM's Avatar
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    I agree with Char that you should not "borrow" your wife's things. Women rightfully get possessive of their clothes, especially underwear. It is time to have "The Talk." You need to tell her about your feelings and that there is some kind of need. Be willing to find agreed to boundaries to your dressing. Then assure her that you are sorry you wore her things and want to get your own to be used within the agreed to boundaries. That is respecting her feelings and wishes but also telling her that she doesn't have total control over you and your need to meet your needs. You have to have the freedom to do that all on your own, but within agreed to boundaries.There is a middle ground and you know it and she knows that exists as well. Most important is asking her about her feelings and why she feels the way she does along with her knowing your feelings.

    Notice that I have used the word "feelings" here a lot. You can talk facts and figures as much as you wish, but none of that will have the impact of talking about feelings. Men are not accustomed to talking about feelings and certainly not like women are, but if you show her there is more to this than just the fact that, for some mysterious reason you don't understand, you have a desire to crossdress it is going to be hard to penetrate her barriers which are likely based on men should be men and women should be women. The fact is, that is hardly the reality, but facts won't make nearly as much difference as feelings.

  10. #10
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    Hi Darci. You mentioned your wife stating that she is uncomfortable and then bringing it up a few times since. It sounds like she is not happy with the current situation. Maybe she is open to having "the talk" also. I agree that doing it before going out would be a bad move. It is possible that some boundaries can be set to make both happier. As others have said communication is the key. Good luck.

  11. #11
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    Oh, Darci, I know exactly how you feel. My wife will make comments when watching television news or entertainment that are favorable towards any sexual minority. She has a female cousins whose daughter is transitioning to a man. She has gay professional friends. After almost fifty years of marriage she has figured out I am still the guy she married except there is a little unwanted quirk in me. Talk about it? Nope. Ostrich sticks her head in the ground to the extent I wish she'd scream or yell something toward me. Once she made a comment she thought she detected a trace of makeup I had not removed. The comment was made a decade after the event. Once she retrieved the mail which is my job and the community mailbox is several houses down the street and found a parcel from ebay. No questions asked. She will never open my armoire out of fear of seeing something she does not want to see. It is totally frustrating. In my personal situation my wardrobe would probably be a lot smaller if there was some sort of conversation. Otherwise the only discussions I have are on the forum and engaging in retail therapy. Yep, today there is another Amazon delivery of four panties in new colors to add to my growing therapeutic collection of Vanity Fair panties. Retail therapy is calling!!!!

  12. #12
    Lady By Choice Leslie Langford's Avatar
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    And therein lies a big part of what is so wrong with DADT, and the unwritten "power" that our wives and SO's wield over us because of it...a mixture of female entitlement aided and abetted by (still) illogical societal norms as to what is acceptable behavior for a man vs. a woman.

    "I suppose you wish you could wear makeup, too?" Translation: "I can, but you can't...nyah!" nyah!. Sense of entitlement? Check.

    Can't wear makup? Sez who? Last time I checked there were no laws against that. Your wife needs to do a reality check. The only reason you choose not to wear makeup in her presence is out of respect for her and how that might affect her social standing. She should be grateful for your consideration and deference to her in putting her needs/wants above yours, rather than mocking you for it.

  13. #13
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    This exactly ^^^^^^^^^^.
    Don't ever be afraid of your wife and talking to her about what you need.Don't play the martyr game that lots of guys do.
    Its a partnership and she doesn't have the right to deny you what makes you feel good be it a hobby of some sort.
    You don't have the right to deny her either.
    If she thinks she runs the show in the marriage then you have let her and you are the problem you can't enjoy your little pleasures.

  14. #14
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    Hi Darci , The problem is there is no road map or GPS for the road that you are traveling

    Just trial & error as to which turns to make in this journey.


    I am lucky to have a very workable DA/DT. >Orchid .oooo.
    Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......

    I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !

    If at first you don't succeed, Then Skydiving isn't for you.

    Be careful what you wish for, Once you ring a bell , you just can't Un-Ring it !! !!

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    Darci, just how well informed is your wife about crossdressing or Transgender? Has she made any attempt to become better informed? Does she know any other females whose husbands or SOs are CDers? Have you considered the two of you going to a well informed therapist to discuss it and learn? The two of you do need to have the talk, perhaps with a glass or two of wine on a quiet evening. Good luck!

  16. #16
    Junior Member DarciInTx's Avatar
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    Well, that did not go well.

    First, thanks to all who responded, and for the advice. I realized that you are right, that communication is essential. So I asked if she wanted to talk about the question she had asked me. I won't bore you all with the blow-by-blow, but there were a few key statements she made.

    She reiterated that it made her VERY uncomfortable, then added that she would not support me in it, and that I "pushed it or persisted in it" that she believed it would be the "death of our marriage". She suggested that I "get help". She said what bothered her most was that I didn't think it was wrong. To which I responded that what bothered me most was that she would declare it wrong with no foundation. She then pulled out her ipad and started searching the internet, I assume for articles to bolster her position that crossdressing is wrong.

    Soooo... I have some choices to make. I am lucky in that, unlike many of you, I know, this is NOT my identity. It something I'm drawn to and that gives me pleasure, but it is not the core of who I am. So I need to decide if this is a hill I'm willing to die on, metaphorically speaking. And I think the answer clearly is no. But how far do I go in defending it? We'll see.

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    Darcilin,
    OH DEAR !! I've heard all this before ! You're the one that's broken and needs fixing , go get help and get cured !

    I do feel it's time to decide how you truly feel and what your needs are , at the moment the noose is getting tighter ! It takes two to make this work not a onesided compromise . Is it the hill you will eventaully die on or not ? The bottom line is you're stuck with it , it never goes away all you will be doing is burying a part of yourself which should be allowed to exist and believe me the more it's buried the more it knaws at you until something has to give , I've been there and lived all this and more .

    I may sound like an old record player but have you considered finding a social group, I was surprised when my wife accepted it ,OK the eventual outcome was we separated because we both accepted it still wasn't enough but we are now both happier .

  18. #18
    Platinum Member Crissy 107's Avatar
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    Darci, I am sorry to hear that you took our advice and opened a conversation that did not go well at all. If it was me I would not revisit this too soon and let the dust settle. Ultimately there will be more conversation about this as painful as it may seem now. Teresa is correct that you are stuck with this part of you, we all are. That is one thing almost all if not all of us agree on. I successfully, I thought, had suppressed this part of me but of course it never works.
    I am not one to go to a therapist, not at all, but this may be something to look into. I may actually do that myself though my wife may never even consider it.
    You have come to the right place here as you are with others that have had similar situations.
    Crissy

  19. #19
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    Sorry about your conversation, Darci. I would suspect that her reaction would have come out sooner or later since she knew you were interested in CDing.

    Only you know what your situation is and how you proceed. I wish the best for both of you.

  20. #20
    Aspiring Artist Kelly DeWinter's Avatar
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    Darcie

    A couple of things, First there is a lot of information she can find on the internet that will give a more balanced perspective.
    Second, Communication in any form is good in a marriage or relationship. Establishing "why" she feels it's wrong and being able to
    convey why you don't agree while respecting her right to her position is important. Use her internet search results and talking
    about them is a good thing as well. A competent counselor will tell you that only things that keep you from functioning and having a healthy life
    are problems that you need therapy for.

    Some people need use/need dressing as a stress release.
    Some it's just a comfort thing.

    The only thing i find distressing is when a spouse says something like "death of our marriage", really ? there are soooo many things that are worse then a bit of dressing
    that it always makes me wonder what the real issues are in the marriage.

    I would tell your wife, that by talking about a very important issue you are trying to "save our marriage"

    Find a counselor who is trained in Gender issues and have a few sessions. It's actually very therapeutic to have someone to talk to.
    Kelly DeWinter
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  21. #21
    Aspiring Shopaholic BTWimRobin's Avatar
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    Hi Darci,

    I'm sorry to hear that she has such a negative position on dressing.

    When I came out to my wife I added that I wanted to seek professional help for two reasons. The first, and most important, was how to preserve my marriage and second was to understand why my desires to dress became so unbearable at such a late age. In the end my therapist said that there is nothing wrong with me and there is nothing wrong with crossdressing. In my case it is a healthy form of stress relief. As far as marriage preservation goes communication, ground rules and compromise.

    I would agree with Kelly in that seeking professional help might be something to consider.

    Big Hug,
    Robin

  22. #22
    Junior Member Tanya J's Avatar
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    You need to be upfront and honest. You need to understand that she is trying to find the person she married, not the stranger you've become. She prods you hoping to either anger you to make you snap out of your own world you have created in your head. Honestly it is unfair to keep her in limbo like this. She will either be willing to work toward living with this or not. Please dont insult her by kinda dressing and either hoping she doesn't notice or will magically be ok with it as long as it is just a little

  23. #23
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    Tanya,
    Being up front and honest is fine providing they are prepared to listen , to some DADT does mean nothing is mentioned on the subject full stop ! The situation normally gets worse as the lies and deciet build up , the more you try and appease the more the suppression builds up . How many of us think age will see an end to it only to find it builds up with age , very few of our situations improve, Darcilin feels it's not going to be a deal breaker today but will she be able to say that in the future ? If she goes for counselling despite what her wife feels she won't find a cure but counselling will soon flounder if the wife doesn't take it on board , again I know what it's like to hit that brick wall !

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    Hi Darci. I'm sorry that things didn't go well. I hope you can find a workable solution that fits with your desires and priorities. Best of luck.

  25. #25
    Member Dana3's Avatar
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    A couple of things come to mind, .........

    Regardless of the situation, whether it be work, marriage, or any other kind of interpersonal relationship, (Or, anything, IMHO ), NO ONE OR NO SITUATION we may find ourselves in; has ANY more control over us, than we ourselves give them.

    Noner, zilch, and!

    In the New York Times Best Seller, "The Subtle Art of NOT Giving A #$%&!!" by Mark Mason, the author explains what he refers to a "VCR Question"

    A VCR Question is a question that I'm individual ALREADY knows the answer to? But is hesitant, experiences "Paralysis by Over Analysis" because they're unable to reconcile the dilemma posed between their logical ~ rational mind and their emotional mind.

    There's NOTHING right it wrong, except thinking makes it so. To quote Eddie Lizzard, "I don't believe there's anything wrong with wearing women's clothes, because I don't believe there's anything wrong with women, (Or being one, expressing oneself as one or in expressing
    ~ experiencing femininity )

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