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Thread: Please stop doing it !!

  1. #1
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Please stop doing it !!

    I know this thread is going to fly in the face of my one posted in the picture section titled , " Where do I start !"

    It all started with a phone call from my wife yesterday , we get on OK now , she brings me up to speed with rest of the family . I then went onto tell her about the possibility that my paintings might be bought by the Civic Society in my old home town and put on permanent display , she told that was wonderful and she was truly proud of me , then there was a pause and then she asked , " As a matter of interest how were you dressed ?" So I told her , she didn't blow a gasket and said she was getting beyond caring BUT it was too soon for my son and grandsons and my mother to be dressed around my old home town . She then added that she really couldn't understand what it was all about when it only comes down to wearing a skirt , not unless I really wanted to be a woman . She did then drag some old history into the conversation but I just told that was history and had been dealt with .

    My painting class and all the staff at the Art Centre have fully accepted me and I now have the opportunity to finally rejoin the class in September as Teresa .

    So how do I deal with this one , at the moment she is acting as spokesperson for everyone , telling me they won't be happy amd possibly devestating for my grandsons . So I told her my first step is have a one to one conversation with my son and get his true feelings , so she intrerrupted by saying I can tell you what he thinks , then she paused and said if I say more you're going to accuse me of contolling again !! I tried really hard to get an answer from her as to why my revelations would be so harmful especially to my grandsons but she really struggled to find a cast iron reason and all she could come up with they're too young and only really want their grandpa .

    The other conversation I need to have is with my mother , I don't think she has the strong objections my wife implies , in those circumstances it may be better to offer to show a picture of me just to break the ice . My wife didn't realise but my mother and I do have very open conversations about my situation .

    The bottom line I feel is my wife now bites the bullet and visits me in my home and meets me as Teresa , she may say she's not bothered anymore but to me she is still putting words in other people's mouths because of her fears and feelings and seeing me will settle that situation one way or the other . I know we are now separated and I really don't care what she thinks so I won't now accept her influence affecting other people's thoughts , but I fear she will never change .

    I do find all this a little frustrating my wife just wants the dad/grandpa to be available if and when my son chooses to contact me which in the last 18 months has been 3 times . Some may say that's not much to ask and my wife tells me I should respect and consider my son but are they respecting and considering me ? I've told my wife how hard it is now to revert to male mode now I'm living full time .
    Last edited by Teresa; 07-24-2019 at 09:24 AM.
    The real me ,no going back.

  2. #2
    Gold Member Lana Mae's Avatar
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    Hi, Teresa! You need to have that conversation with your son. You have to find out how he feels about it and how that will affect how the grandson feel about it! Oh, and don't forget his wife! Don't take second hand information! There is a member here who dresses full time and is still dad but referred to as "she"! In my opinion, your situation should be about the same if the acceptance is there! Just my thoughts on the matter! Hugs Lana Mae
    Life is worth living!
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  3. #3
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Lana,
    I forgot to mention my daughter in law , again it's second hand from my wife but she does miss the grandpa for the boys , OK I miss them so much but is it right they are possibly being used as pawns in this situation .

    I must admit I have tried to fix up days out with them as their grandpa , I've offered bowling , even a trip to the snow dome for a few hours skiing but they're always too busy .

    I really don't know if I'm flogging a dead horse because the damage is now done even if you could now turn the clock back !
    Last edited by Teresa; 07-24-2019 at 10:27 AM.
    The real me ,no going back.

  4. #4
    Weirdest woman ever! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    I don't see the damage done? Your eventual ex will likely never change. Don't beat a dead horse!

    If u r going to live presenting female, ALL of u r going to have to get used to that.

    I think the sooner everyone faces that fact, the sooner u can all move forward.
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  5. #5
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    Everyone has to bear the consequences of one's actions. You are who you are. It's up to each person to either accept you or reject you. If I was in your heels I would call my son to hear him out and explain what I feel and need. Eliminate the middle person...the go between. Who knows what your wife has really told them. The same goes with your son's wife. I would not without parental approval approach your grandsons to try to explain your actions/lifestyle changes.

    In my opinion whether or not you choose male or female clothing to interact with your grandsons depends on who you really are. Are you a cross dresser with no desire to become a woman or are you a transsexual choosing not to have body modifications (hormones and surgery)? Me? Although I really do not have a clue why I have the need to emulate a woman, I know I do not want to become a woman or abandon my male life.

    Isn't the entire journey rather complicated?

  6. #6
    Yeah Ok like whatever Tracii G's Avatar
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    If you have made offers to see the grand kids and have a day with them and they always "claim" to be too busy then thats on them not you.
    My youngest daughter and her husband and my grandson seem to always go do things around here locally but I never get asked to go We live a few miles apart and I am retired and would love to see my daughter and grand son more often.
    The husbands mother always seems to go but I never get asked.
    I do get asked to birthday parties, Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner but thats about it.
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  7. #7
    Silver Member Debra Russell's Avatar
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    What Doc said … converse with them all, get it out so there is no more whispers or wondering it will be more grounded and settling for all.………………………...Debra

  8. #8
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
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    It seems to me that in every case you’ve cited, the conversation that needs to be had, or in some cases perhaps has already happened is between you and the individual family members other than your (x?)wife. She’s entitled to her opinion, and you can thank her for sharing, but at the same time, you can remind her that while you may keep her comments in mind, but will communicate directly with those she has expressed concerns about.

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    Easy left me long ago...

  9. #9
    I accept myself as is Gillian Gigs's Avatar
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    Quote, "at the moment she is acting as spokesperson for everyone , telling me they won't be happy and possibly devastating for my grandsons". Yes, she is still attempting to be in control.
    Quote, "so she interrupted by saying I can tell you what he thinks , then she paused and said if I say more you're going to accuse me of controlling again". She is well aware of what she is doing, the comment says it all.
    Quote, "I fear she will never change". I think that you are correct on this one. I wonder if she will work up the courage to see you as Teresa in your new home!

    I know that you are living full time as Teresa now, but there is no harm in letting some still see you as Dad/Grandpa once in awhile. If you do it, you are doing it for them, not the wife.
    I like myself, regardless of the packaging that I may come in! It's what is on the inside of the package that counts!

  10. #10
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Kim,
    She did begin to get that message , I also know my son is ducking the issue he's caught between the opinions of his wife and my wife , I may not get a definite opinion from him .

    Stephanie,
    The only conversation will be with my son , I certainly won't attempt to talk to my grandsons over the issue it will be up to the parents . You know the answer to the other question as I'm living full time , this is what the separation was mostly about .

    Gillian,
    I really do think she will drop in one day and see me , she now knows my sister in law has met me several times , I know her curiosity will get the better of her . I can't say if she's quizzed her sister as to what I look like , my SIL doesn't think she'll recognise me .

    I would love to see the boys more often but I feel I now have a similar situation to Tracii , my son is hurt and I feel the damage is done , it's going to take more time .

    Debra ,
    There are no secrets , I'm as open as I'm allowed to be , I can't really do much more .
    The real me ,no going back.

  11. #11
    Fancy For Feet Palaina Nocturnus's Avatar
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    Hello Teresa, I hope things have gotten better for you and your family.

    My oldest son is 20 and he didn't fully get an explanation of my dressing up until a few years ago. I've dressed up but kept it under "normal" clothes since he was born, it wasn't until he was 10 or 11 that I started to show obvious signs of being a CD to the world. By the time he turned 16 I was damn near dressing up in public.

    I don't care if anyone calls me by Brian or Palaina (I'm lucky it's the same name) but I don't really have the opportunity to fully convert. My mom accepts me but asked I don't dress up around her. It's the same with my stepdaughter who is 11, her mom asked me to not dress up around her or our 2 year old son.

    To keep peace, I stay wearing my girly clothes underneath but I have talked to each person that's concerned stating I will keep my toes painted wearing all foot jewelry and girly shoes. One of the things I've done is gone for the ambiguous look. I buy womens Jean's and shorts but not too short. I'm taking advantage of today's style as well since wearing tighter clothing is becoming socially acceptable.

    I know. Not everyone looks good in skinny Jean's I'm just saying the opportunity is there to ride that fine line.

    I compromised and everyone is happier. When I get my chance, you bet I'm dolled up and out the door lol but I'll go where it's less likely that I'll be noticed. However if I am noticed, it's a perfect chance to confront the issue directly.

    I'm hiding in plain sight 😉

    As far as your wife is concerned, I was with a woman for 10 years, 5 of it married. She supported me then she would rip me apart. Yes we divorced, I'm lucky I didn't have kids with her. If you ever need to just vent you can DM me anytime.

    Breathe, take it one day at a time hun 😊

  12. #12
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Palaina,
    Everyone knows I'm now full time , if you check out my thread I mentioned in the picture section you will see how much . Compromises should be a thing of the past for me , I still feel it's my wife trying to keep some control despite her saying she's not bothered what I do , I understand it's harder for her as we were married 44 years . If she had handled it differently and totally accepted me so much of this wouldn't be a problem .
    The real me ,no going back.

  13. #13
    Aspiring Member Eemz's Avatar
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    It's like you're all stuck on a desert island and your wife's only contribution is to keep saying "life would be much better if we weren't all stuck on this desert island" over and over. Yep. That's certainly true. But it's not helpful.

  14. #14
    Girl about Town Jodie_Lynn's Avatar
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    I spent most of my life being what everyone else expected me to be. I lived up to everyone else's expectations of who I should be, what I should do, how I should live my life, and was miserable.

    Now, my life is my own, I can live it as I see fit, and dress how I wish.

    Like the old song says:
    "Ya can't please everyone, so you got to please yourself"

    When my wife told me she wanted a divorce, because she "couldn't be married to a woman", I moved out of our home, after she had said that she made her decision, and that talking & counselling would be a waste of time. For the first six months of our separation, I was a "good boy": I had trashed everything feminine I owned, had a "macho man's job" and hoped and prayed that she would reconsider. Then, after six months, I realized that she wouldn't change her mind. There were other elements that I don't want to go into that influenced her decision as well.

    I also realized, that for the first time in my life, I owed no one anything. I no longer had to be a good son (my parents were long deceased), or a good brother (my beloved sister had passed away), my wife wanted nothing from me so my duties & responsibilities as a husband were null & void, and my adult daughter accepted me for who I was. I could finally live my life, FOR MYSELF.

    And since then, I have.
    Before you can love another, you must first like yourself

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  15. #15
    Silver Member Amy Lynn3's Avatar
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    Teresa, I don't have the answer to your situation, but allow me to make a few comments that may help you. Do all that is possible to stay in the life of your son and other family members. Do things such as sending cards and gifts to all of them on special occasions. Call them and just talk about any thing, other than the issue at hand. Tell them you miss them and love them. Whatever you do, don't burn any bridges.

    You can't change other people, but you can change your situation, by changing yourself. In other words, you take the high road, because they will end up doing what they desire. The very best to you. I feel your pain.

  16. #16
    Senior Member Jean 103's Avatar
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    It is time.

    You are you and that is it.

    Really? Don't you know your mom?

    I don't think she is or is anyone else ,going to disown you. At this point they are going to be finding out that they are on the wrong side of this.

    You are way overthinking this.

    I lived with a 5 year old girl, a roommate's daughter for a year. Not to mention lots of my friends have kids.

    It is really not as big a deal as you are making it out to be.

    Face it, your wife will likely never get over it. It comes down to feelings.

    Time will help, and it is time to stop hiding. Be sides how is everyone going to feel when everyone around the world knows and they don't.

    I think you will find that in the end they are more hurt that they are the last to know.

  17. #17
    Gold Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
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    Teresa,

    You bravely have taken such momentous strides. If you are to continue living the life you've created for yourself then at some point you'll need to bite the bullet and address those issues around family members. It's down to you to decide if delaying those interactions will lead to a better outcome of to move forward albeit one step at a time.

    It seems your son is the first person, I steer away from obstacle, that you need to engage with to progress things. If that goes well you have an ally. If badly then grandchildren for now at least seem a lost cause.

    You need to decide if movement is possible. Relying on you ex isn't reliable. You've reach a point of no return. That's not to say you shouldn't tread carefully. More than you're at a point where you either stand still, accept the status quo, or continue on your journey. No pressure then eh!
    Who dares wears Get in, get out without being noticed

  18. #18
    Miss Judy Judy-Somthing's Avatar
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    Hello Teresa,
    Let me start by saying, Thanks for being the first one to welcome me 2-1/2 years ago when I decided to be a part of this Forum!
    I read allot of what post But I don't read everything on this site, that would take way to much time. So I do miss alot.
    Do yo dislike male mode so much that you can't do it just for family?
    You do look great dressed.

    I work with a Guy who's fully dressed every day and even know I'm a cross-dresser I find it a little uncomfortable. (I don't know the whole story)
    Who know, maybe I'm jealous.
    "This is ME" I am not CRAZY, I'm just a GUY who likes dresses!
    Since allot of men dress up in woman's clothing that makes it a manly thing to do!
    Much more fun than fishing.
    I do construction like house building and I love CD-ing, what's the difference?

  19. #19
    Gold Member Rachael Leigh's Avatar
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    Teresa I so relate to your situation with family, especially your son and grandchildren, I’ve not seen mine in 2 plus years even after my son knew I was not going all the way with a full transition. My son and I rarely see each other and only text
    now and again. I know for certain he would never want to see me as a female in any kind of way.
    So I feel your pain but it does seem you have found some family support, something I will never get.
    Hang in there and know your not alone in this

  20. #20
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Jodie,
    My mother is a very fit and capable 90 year old , I have an older sister who knows about my TG situation all her family also know . If my wife had her way she would still have me doing projects around her home , she knows my capabilities and misses them . My daughter and her husband and daughter have met me and I've been on outings with my daughter and granddaughter .

    Amy,
    I did make the point of asking for full addresses and all the relevant dates , such as birthdays , wedding anniverseries etc. so I always send a card , which is something I was not too good about when I was with my wife , I wanted to show I thought about them and still care .

    Jean,
    I understand your comments but the subtle difference is you are talking about friends and I'm dealing with family , my flesh and blood and I really don't want to loose that contact , no I don't think I'm overthinking it . What my wife thinks isn't important it's her influence that's the problem . I'm certainly not hiding now and that's what the problem is .

    Helen,
    It would be easier for me to leave the sitaution as it is , for what I see of my son and grandsons now . No matter what did happen I'm sure they would never cut me out of their lives permanently . I do feel the situation is creating an obstacle for me , the bottom line is they still don't understand what being TG means and obviously can't accept I'm openly living my life as a TG , I'm sure it will happen in time . In the past I would have argued the point that the boys are possibly too young to take it on board but the situation has changed so much and so quickly especially in schools , my grandchildren are going to be exposed to gender issues far sooner than we experienced . The great thing is the schools are now geared up for it , so I'm just sitting back and waiting for them to encounter it .

    Judy,
    Thanks for your kind words , I guess I can scrub up well on occasions !

    I guess it's the inconsistency between my son and daughter , my daughter is totally on board , which is wonderful and I'm so grateful . She gave me a picture book at Xmas featuring the year of my granddaughter , I featured in it as dad/grandpa . On Xmas night I had a quite word with my daughter telling her I loved the book as a present but how much I hated seeing myself in male mode . When you get to the point of 24/7, who is being unfair in this situation ? My wife accused me of not respecting my son, his wife and grandsons but should I expect them to respect me now I've made these changes in my life . Lets face it I decided to transition the choices would be more black and white .

    Don't be jealous , I still have my fingers crossed that you will find a solution that works for you , I will add it is wonderful living it !

    Rachel,
    I know we're on very similar paths , the problem with most of us we not only care but possibly care too much , that leaves us vunerable and hurt too easily but I will never change now I've found who I really am .
    The real me ,no going back.

  21. #21
    Aspiring Member GretchenM's Avatar
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    Among the transitioned women I am acquainted with, they all admit that there are a lot of sacrifices and losses they suffer by being their true selves. A couple have lost all their family. I suspect there might have been more to it than just the switching sides that they had to do to save themselves from total misery. But it is not unusual for such losses to happen.

    With kids though it is a delicate matter as you really need to toe the line and comply with what their parents want. So, that makes it come down to biting the bullet and visiting in male mode or just staying away. To do otherwise I think is trying to do your own type of controlling. Some of the TSs can still be suitably male for those kinds of visiting purposes, but others whose body has actually changed greatly can't do that effectively anymore.

    Doing difficult things such as switching back to male mode for the benefit of someone else during a visit may be hard, but we all need to keep in mind that total acceptance by those who knew you as someone else just isn't going to happen with some. So, it really comes down to how much you value that relationship and what you are willing to give up to have those visits. I would make the change, but then I am not you and only you can decide that.

  22. #22
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Gretchen,
    I do agree but I feel I must bypass my wife and get the facts directly about how they truly feel and not through her , then I can work on a balance between roles . Who knows my son might even agree to meet me , what my wife would make of that wouldn't be my problem apart from she did give my daughter a hard time when she found out we had been out together with my granddaughter .
    The real me ,no going back.

  23. #23
    Senior Member Jean 103's Avatar
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    No you are.

    Some people take some adjustment. That is they are unsure, they need to get to know you.

    These people already know you. All you have to do is demonstrate that you are still the same person. How many years does that take?

    With the death of my sister I no longer have any family.

    There is my wife's family. we were only married for thirty years, and still are. I haven't seen them in almost four years. This is a decision I made, as i don't want to hurt my wife.

    Her oldest daughter has reached out to me, and we have talked on the phone. She said however my wife feels, I am still part of the family and they still love me. They all live an hour away in an other town. We are planning to meet soon to talk. Looks like for me it's time.

    This is new to everyone. There isn't an instruction book, you just have to wing it.

  24. #24
    Aspiring Member Eemz's Avatar
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    I don't understand how you can tell us (a) your wife hates your guts and at the same time (b) you believe everything she says.

    "So I have this person in my life who hates my guts and would do anything to hurt me. And apparently everyone else hates me too - she told me that, so it must be true!!"

    I can't get my head around it. I think you like the drama or you're addicted to it or something.

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    > With kids though it is a delicate matter as you really need to toe the line and comply with what their parents want

    I think that's fine if they're 6 years old. But Teresa no offense your kids must be adults by now, and I doubt they need or want "Mom" making executive decisions about their lives at this stage (or if they do they have serious issues).

    Your grandchildren - fair enough. I have nephews 7 & 9 and I asked their parents - my brother and his wife - how they wanted to handle it. It's not my decision to make.

    But that means you talking to the parents about how they want to handle their kids. Not grandma.
    Last edited by Eemz; 07-25-2019 at 12:10 PM.

  25. #25
    Gold Member alwayshave's Avatar
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    Teresa, I feel the pain in your post and my heart goes out to you. I have been divorced for more than 15 years and my ex-wife, who lives 500 miles from me, still attempts to control me. I just won't allow it anymore. It has had some costs, but I am much happier.
    Please call me Jamie, I always_have crossdressed, I always will, "alwayshave".

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