Just a melancholy post - you may want to skip it

[Robin-in-TX]

Hi everyone. This is not uplifting or generally interesting, so, you may want to skip it.

I have been alone with my son for the last couple of months. My wife went back east for the summer. This has given me more opportunity to dress. For the last couple of weeks, I've been home alone as my son flew back to spend time with her and family. So, I've been dressing full-time at home since he left. That time is coming to an end.

She doesn't know the extent of my dressing. She knows I wear panties all the time. I've been doing that since 2013. We almost split up that year and it was a condition of us staying together. The reasons for us having difficulties had nothing to do with dressing. Until I told her that I was deciding what underwear I would wear, she had no idea. She wanted to stay together and if I were going to do it, then she had to accept that fact. Her only request was that I not wear floral patterns. She doesn't like them or wear them herself.

It was a missed opportunity. I should have disclosed all then and I don't know why I did not. Now, I rarely get to dress and, while I know it is not usual in the general public, it is a part of who I am and I think I suffer for it. This is something that has been apart of me since my earliest memories. In fact, I can't remember a time when I wasn't this way.

So, I missed an opportunity but not just one. Everyday that I let it go on, is another opportunity missed and I remain less me. I wonder if I, some or many of us will ever be who we actually are?

I'm not asking for recommendations, or suggestions that I go to therapy or anything else. It is just a little venting is all.

Anyway, thank you for reading.

[Alice Torn]

I have never had a lover or wife in my 65 yrs, But i know no woman i ever was interested in, approved of me crossdressing. It really has helped isolate me more, I tried to quit many times, but the desire never goes away completely. It is not an easy life even without this strong compulsion but with it, more complications and challenges. One day at a time, I found i must not let it take over my whole life , and keep it under control. It is a hungry compulsion and obsession, and i found just admittin it is part of me, helps, but it is not ALL of me. I still like doing guy things, getting dirty and greasy. Alice is my substitute for the woman i never had too. One day at a time

[Thelise]

Hi Brookes. I know you're not after advice, but it seems from the way you've written up your situation there may be wriggle room for you. 1. I doubt your wife really believes the dressing stops at panties. 2. It sounds like she's committed to being with you, and your initial 'deal' seemed easy enough for her to accept. Something to consider. Or maybe I'm off the mark due to lack of information. Either way, good luck! Hope you find some happiness.

[Tracii G]

Sounds too fatalistic to me.
I remain less me? What does that even mean? You are going to be you no matter what.
You are aware that we make our own opportunities most of the time and other times they drop in our lap then we capitalize on them.
Sounds more like you are feeling sorry for yourself and not venting.

P.S. I am not being mean just being honest.
I hate to see people being hard on themselves and giving up when all they have to do is take charge and address the situation and rectify the problem.

[GretchenM]

There are always solutions to this kind of problem. It is just a matter of finding them. Making agreements and setting boundaries that are agreed to between both is the path to suitable compromise. Each must refrain from trying to dominate the other or force the other to accept something they simply cannot accept. My wife and I have been dealing with this for years. She is not very flexible in this regard while I am very adaptable. She has always feared change while I have always embraced change. But, in spite of all that, we have been married 50 years and still very much love each other although, as is common, after that many years we are more friends than lovers.

Right now we do not live together and that has been the case for going on 2 years. It is because she is the primary care provider for our daughter who needs special medical and mental health care that has been established in a city 450 miles away. We don't want to give up our home here and it would take too long and be too difficult to establish a new care situation here. Kind of tough situation.

We rarely see each other, but our relationship is still strong. My gender behavior is still about the same as it would be if she lived here as before. I continue to honor the agreements and boundaries we set. The key is to accept our differences and work with them rather than one insisting on this or that pattern being followed without regard for the feelings and principles the other person embraces or needs to be themselves. Not perfect by any means, but very workable. Sort of a "If life gives you lemons make lemonade" approach. Communication and consideration for the feelings of the other is key to finding a successful solution.

Sorry about the advice, but I think you might need to adjust the thinking that you and your wife engage in and recognize there are compromises that can be quite comfortable.

[docrobbysherry]

OMG, Brookes! U KNOW what u need to do. So, why do need advice or permission from us?

My advice is:
You're alive and well now. But, u won't always be. If one day u will look back on your life and think, "Well, I sucked it up for 50, (70?), years and for the sake of our marriage I'm glad I did!" Then, keep on hiding and lying.

But, if u look back and think, "Well, I blew it! I buried a part of me for 50 years and wish I hadn't!"

Like I said, u KNOW what u need to do!

[Robin-in-TX]

Thank you all for taking the time to read my post. Sometimes it is good to just write something you are feeling just to get it out there. First, I'm making conscious decisions. There was little downside risk when I came out in a limited fashion. I was ready to walk away. Now, there is a lot of downside risk. We have a child going into his freshman year of HS. I'm not going to do anything that might disrupt his life. That is a decision. I'm not wallowing in self-pity, nor am I sacrificing anything. Having done combat tours during my 24 years of Army service, I know what sacrifice is. I'm making decisions and I live with them.

Next, I'm certain when my son graduates HS, I will change this dynamic. I don't really want her involved in it, I eventually want to hang my clothes in the closet, and have her give me my space when I need it. She'll either do it or she won't. My sense is that she will.

Tracii, you are not being mean you are being judgmental based on very limited facts. You don't know me at all, so, please dial back the conclusion machine. I made a very clear statement that I have opportunities every day. I make the same decision every day that it is best for all concerned to keep this silent. The next day may bring a different decision based on the facts then. I don't have a crystal ball, so I don't know what tomorrow will be.

Finally, I wanted to use this forum for my very rare vent on a moment and an emotion I was experiencing. If that is unwelcome here, I'll go back to occasionally lurking.

[Tracii G]

I may have limited facts thats true but I have worked with couples and seen this same same situation many times.
I don't think being honest as being judgemental at all I was just pointing out what I was seeing in your post.
Your decision to stow it until your son graduates and moves on is a very responsible and a wise decision.

[abbiedrake]

Brookes, I do hope you find a way to see past people offering advice. It's a very human, and even stereotypically male, thing to do, to offer solutions when presented with a problem. Please understand the spirit in which support was offered, even if it was not appreciated.

For me, I'll heed and respect your clarity in saying you were venting and not seeking assistance. I read and was moved by your post. Please don't hesitate to talk out loud when the need presents itself.

I wish you and yours well.

[Fran-K]

Hi Brookes

Unfortunately our priorities in life do not always let us chose the the option we would like. We need to make trade offs - give a little to get a little and all that. We need to balance competing and sometimes conflicting goals/needs/desires. It sounds to me like you are doing that reasonably well - It ain’t perfect, but sounds more or less good enough.

Could you tune things up a bit - work with your wife to see if she’d be willing/able to accept more dressing? Probably. But you, and only you,, must balance that against the possibility of an extremely negative reaction on her part.

“Not disrupt his life” ... nothing (to me, anyway) is as important is not f-ing up our kids. “You go girl!”

Fran

[AllieSF]

First, thank you so much for being there for us. I really do appreciate that. Second, I agree with Abbie. Please enjoy your time here and hopefully you will realize what a wonderful place that this is, even with the sometimes unnecessary comments and recommendations. I am so bad at that that I sometimes preface my comments to someone that my personality is to resolve problems and help people out and I have to truly learn how to be the good listener when someone needs to vent or rant.

[Teresa]

Brookes,
I do find it sad that you can be honest with us and not your wife but that's how many of us live or use to in my case . Missing the odd chances isn't really the problem it's more to do with what you really want long term , how long can you live with the current situation ?

Please try and not rule anything out, sometimes therapy/counselling helps you move forward , at some point many of us hit the wall and feel we have no where to turn . It can be mentally exhausting , it's a hard place to come back from when you cease to function .

[Kelly DeWinter]

Brooks;

Big hugg for you. I think everyone has some family member that they have a difficult relationship with. Keep your chin up. Venting is OK, we all do it from time to time. Just remember the good times when you are feeling the bad times.

[Jenny22]

Brookes, in your opening post, you said, " She wanted to stay together and if I were going to do it, then she had to accept that fact. Her only request was that I not wear floral patterns. She doesn't like them or wear them herself". Then you said it was a missed opportunity. So, here's my take on your situation.

At some point, tell her of your dressing while she was away. She may not be surprised. Then, as to remind her of her earlier comment, tell her that you did not wear any floral patterns. That should help open further discussions on your CDing. Tell her how much you love her and that you will always be her husband when her man is needed. You don't know why you need to CD, but the need is there and will never go away. I wish you two the best.

[Robin-in-TX]

Again, thank you all for reading. I do appreciate it. The reason I am not asking for advice is because I don't need it. I know my wife, I know my situation, I know myself and I'm not at a loss for ideas. I'm not bringing it up to her because she gets a vote on how she is going to live her life too. I'm not disrupting my family now for any reason. I have no intention of raising the issue when it could disrupt the relatively peaceful home that we have provided for our son.

I've waited through 57 years of life, 21 years of marriage, I can wait a little longer and then I'll address it. It doesn't mean I don't occasionally feel down about it and, mistakenly, I thought this would be a good place to post. I'm not so sure I was right about that.

Tracii, I would suggest that you not extrapolate the issues or the remedies of your clients to those who are not clients of yours or anyone. That is the fallacy of hasty generalization. Your sample is limited to those who have sought guidance from you or seek guidance at all. It is a small sample and you cannot apply whatever rule you have formed to the general population. You were not being honest, you were being judgmental. You don't have enough facts to give an honest opinion and I was not seeking it.

Again, I appreciate all of you taking the time to read my post and think about it. Thank you for your comments as well.

[Tracii G]

When you vent here or make a post people will offer opinions and advice thats just the way this place has always been so kind of expect that even if you don't want it. I wasn't the only one to offer it so don't just single me out.
You do what you feel is best for you.
I just gave suggestions from my experiences and not here to argue with anyone.